The Lovely Bastards

It Happens

2011-10-30T23:36:00.001-07:00

My Grandmother died today.

It happens. It happened to me today.

Nothing more need be said. Grab a family member or a friend. A loved one. Hell... grab a complete stranger. Embrace them. Life is too short.

Sorry I can't be funny about this. Just don't feel like being a clown tonight.

Eugenia Melnikov. God hold her.

Hold us all.

-John

The Decline of Western Civilization Part One Million

2011-10-16T18:42:00.000-07:00

No, I’m not going to insult the Jersey Shore. I watch the Jersey Shore. I like the Jersey Shore. I’ve made many foolish mistakes in my past, but this show broadcasts public displays of stupidity out to the public and it actually makes me feel better about myself. One of the foolish mistakes on the show is right on cast member Deena’s face. No, it’s not a herpe, although it may be a bedazzled herpe nonetheless. Yes, it’s that weird piercing the ladies of this era have, where a natural beauty mark would be.

Cindy Crawford reluctantly has kept her trademark beauty mark, but weird fans have made her want to get rid of it, while Enrique Iglesias wisely removed what looked like a squashed bug from his cheekbone. The point is people don’t want/need shit on their face. Yet girls that don’t have a beauty mark pierce one on their face. I’ve seen and heard of piercing the ears, nose, breast, tongue, even clit, but face? I was at a college recruitment event and as the presenter speaking she turned to the side, the light hit her face at a certain angle and I noticed this same piercing. A professional recruiter?!? Her presentation still had about 15 minutes to go, but now the only presentation going on was in my mind, imagining how good and raunchy at sex she must be.

Fellas, ever been with a girl with a piercing in a “non-traditional” area? Three thoughts come to mind.

The sex is going to be great
I’m definitely not bringing her home to the parents
I better use protection

It tends to play out this way every time too.

Once the back tattoo was officially classified as the “tramp stamp,” it became cliché for whorish girls to have. What better way to announce your sexuality rather than a weird piercing that makes absolutely no sense? I sought answers, so I went to a local Black Bear Saloon (a shitty bar/restaurant chain) to investigate. Within 16 seconds of being in that sweat hole, a shot girl approached me asking me if I’d like a gelatin drink that tastes shit, but thinks I should purchase because she’s been told she’s attractive her entire life. Now, stupidity, but ultimately guilt makes men purchase these drinks. If we don’t buy, the pretty girl might make a frowny face. This particular girl had a frowny disposition given her lot in life, so naturally she happened to have the face piercing. I asked her why she had it. She replied, “Five dollars.” I asked again, this time pointing to my face where her piercing was. She wiped her face, thinking something was on it (other than body glitter, tanning lotion and that cunty piercing) and replied, “Five dollars.” I’d bet hookers have better bedside manners, so I turned around bought my own shot at the bar and tried to black out what had just happened.

Girls, we'll never notice nor give two shits about piercings. I never been erect due to noticing a piercing, but if you're going to pierce, stick to the ears or places we can't notice right off the bat. In terms of Deena's (or Black Bear shot girls') piercing, I'd adhere to Christian Bale's line in American Psycho, “Not in the face! Not the fucking face!!”

Fuck It: A 2011 Bucket List

2011-09-25T14:04:00.000-07:00

Everyone wants to get rich, go skydiving or share an intimate last moment with a significant other before they die. My goals are a little different than most, so with that said, here is my own bucket list of things I want to do before I die.

Walk into a hot girl’s house and start playing the beginning to Van Halen’s Right Now. After finding out that the girl has no frame of reference because she is hot and thus unimpressed with my piano playing, I flip the piano over and set it ablaze.
Recant a story to my children about running over a bunch gang bangers that attempted to mug me with my car. When my pussy son asks if any of them died, I reply, “Don’t know. Never turned back to look.” Then I put a cigarette out on my tongue.
Break an iPad in half over my knee like a baseball bat.
Give someone a VCR as a Christmas present.
Pull off my father’s mustache and yell, “A-ha!!” He later tells me I’m adopted and disowns me.
Jump into a public swimming pool with a knife between teeth.
Take a girl out to a smoky jazz club, whisper something to the doorman that gets a chuckle out of him and gets us in for free. When the girl asks what I said, I look at her like she’s crazy.
Fend off a large Samoan with a tiki torch.
Get rich and famous enough to tell my current Facebook friends to go fuck themselves.
When a girl refuses to kiss me due to a scruffy 5 o’clock shadow, I pull out a bowie knife and shave in front of her. We make love for several hours afterwards.

In the end, I'm probably just going to take a last breath, crap my pants and be buried in my suit that I wore for my Confirmation when I was 15, so I might as well enjoy life before my body says, "fuck it."

-JF

Books That Should be Written Vol. 3

2011-09-12T09:35:00.000-07:00

Hey people. How are you? I don't care. Last night I posted something quite serious about, 9/11. To offset the somber note I left this blog on, I shall honor you with more books that I think should be written. Read, become inspired, and then don't bother me.

1. SHIT!
Shit follows the story of the darkest day in this blogger's life. The day I was coming home from breakfast and shit my pants instead of the innocent fart which I had anticipated. A story of pain, it is only a few pages long and ends with me getting my front seat steam cleaned.

2. Winds of Time
An ancient mariner, Morty, returns to his mystical land to find that nothing is as it seems. His wife is nowhere to be found, his children are missing and the council of elders' chamber is empty. After a pretty slow moving three days, Morty the mariner stumbles upon some bullshit dog and pony show about the end of the world and realizes his kids and all the rest of 'em have taken off on a long hike to find a gold fleece or something. Morty gets tanked and takes a nap.

3. De-fence
A scrappy, rough-and-tumble football team made up of inner city youths finds itself thrust into the limelight when their coach finds out he has, cancer, AIDS, Diabeetus and Crabs all at the same time. This inspires the little team of minorities to come together and play some serious Gatdamn football. They reach the national championship where to their horror, the coach finds out all of his diseases are gone. With nothing to play for they end up robbing the other teams.

4. Lets Get the Lead Out
A pencil company exec has to face reality after his pencils end up in the hands of stupid kids. He must come to grips with the fact that lead is much more than just a writing instrument, it is also a Zeppelin. He spends the rest of his days stalking Pete Townshend who to his bemusement, is almost enjoying the stalking until he realizes that Townshend was in, "The Who." He then shoots himself.

5. Just This Once, Phil
Badger Whackstick is a new father. He is terrified and wants to do a good job. He absolutely obsesses over his baby son. Nothing but the best for Badger's boy. The words, "Just This Once, Phil" will however, forever haunt Badger after a night of drinking where his overweight, dipshit of a friend Phil swears that he can juggle a rabid possum and a baby at the same time.

Were you there? 9/11 Tribute

2011-09-11T22:42:00.000-07:00

As a Christian, I have heard the hymn, "Were You There" many times. It is usually sung during the Veneration of the Cross on Good Friday service in my Parish. I am sure, many of you have heard it. It is haunting and solemn. The way it should be. Recently, however, I have listened to the lyrics and paid closer attention. So, on this ten year anniversary of the most horrific attack on our American soil, I ask the Lord; were you there?

Were you there, when the planes were hijacked? When the innocent faces of the passengers turned from the dull gaze of a plane trip to the terrified stares of a confused people?

Were you there when the first tower was hit? Did you feel the anguish of the lives that ended too suddenly?

Were you there when the second tower was hit? Did you feel the anguish of yet another group of people who's lives ended before their time should have been up?

Were you there in Pennsylvania and Washington when the planes took more lives? Were you there when the United States of America was brought to its knees by the misguided hatred of those who swore to serve your mission on Earth? A mission that humans manufactured in order to serve a purpose born of hate.

Were you there when the towers collapsed and buried their sons and daughter under tons of debris?

Did you hear the prayers of those who jumped from such a great height?

Did you hear the prayers of the families left behind who begged you to let their wives, husbands, daughters, sons, aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews, friends, co-workers, live?

Were you there when the terrorists screamed your name in invocation of the murder of thousands?

Are you present in the tears of the families who will never see their loved ones again?

Were you there when we cried and begged you to make it stop?

Are you here now?

Does our pain still ring in your Spirit?

Do you feel us when we give up on you?

Do you try to bring us back to you?

Are you listening?

Do you know why I feel it is alright to be angry with you sometimes?

Because I know that you will always forgive me.

But...

Sometimes,

It causes me to tremble.

9/11

Roids For Jay!

2011-08-17T19:53:00.000-07:00

The Lovely Bastards Podcast 2: Super Bowl Shuffling/Audio Fun

2011-08-17T18:36:00.000-07:00

Better late than never...join The Bastards as we review the Super Bowl as special guest Peyton Manning drops by. Plus disturbing tales of our pal Drew along with some fun with real audio.

He’s White, He’s Loud, He’s Conservative…

2011-08-09T15:58:00.000-07:00

No, I’m not talking about Rush Limbaugh either. I’m talking the lazy co-author of this blog.

Truth be told, I’m half white, fully loud and I respect a man that can say he’s right wing (and makes sense like a Dennis Miller for example). My problem with him is, while self-deprecating at times, he is proud. Being an only child, the gap of having human contact has been replaced with John’s ethnic pride.

Don’t get me wrong, if it were national, honest, too stupid to be wrong American pride, I’d be on board. If he drove a Chevy Silverado and brandished a 2x4 everywhere he went, he’d be an icon, like this dude…

As it stands he’s Irish. A lot of my best friends are Irish…and they piss me off. While, St. Patrick wasn’t even Irish, the “holiday” is an excuse to get drunk, have a parade and drive tourism. I have no problem with the Irish fabricating a holiday just to get more loaded than usual. Kiss me I’m Irish, ladies? No thanks, you probably have a swollen, clotted, gin blossom of a nose, a gut and some form of depression that will kill my buzz and libido. Oh and fellas, when you realize you better “cash in” on you (mis)forutune of being Irish and try to score with the ladies and inevitably strike out, you’ll try to start a fight and, of course, ruin everyone’s time around you, not unlike the Italians.

But back to John, nationalities aside (which we’ll get back to shortly), he really dislikes the decade in which he was conceived and born…the 1980s.

Keep in mind that he hated high school (started in the 90s) all the way to present. I’m pretty sure he’d hate the 70s and complain about disco…he’s essentially has the perpetual disposition of a male (or just) Penny Marshall. While I shout, shout, shout it out loud that the 80s where a decade of big hair and even bigger guilty pleasures, Johnnyboy screams, “Feh!”

When talking about the movies of the 80s, Johnboy says,

The Breakfast Club - I wanted every kid in that library to die. The Big Chill - I wanted everyone in that house to die. Rain Man - I wanted everyone in that casino to die. Top Gun - I wanted everyone in that plane to die, and got lucky by getting to watch one crap out. Back To The Future - I wanted everyone in 1955 to die. I don't think I need to go on.

He wants everyone to die. That’s for comedic shock value, right? Not quite, let it be known that ole Johnnyboy is actually half Russian and this pretty much falls in line with the country’s sentiments in the 1980s.

If I were to sit my 5 year old nephew down and have him watch 80s tv and movies, he’d probably hate Russia. President Reagan told us they were the evil empire. The 1980s US Olympic hockey team defeated the evil Russians in one of the most iconic sports moments in history. Ivan Drago took steroids, kills Apollo Creed, then gets pummeled by Rocky on Christmas and eventually Russia turns on Drago. Even Russia knows they are evil. But John doesn’t think he is evil and he damn well should. If tar and feathering could still exist, may Johnyboy be the first.

God Bless America and the Happiest of Belated Birthdays to one of the funniest pricks I know.

-JF

Tiny Bauco

2011-08-08T18:06:00.000-07:00

Recently, my old pal Johnnyboy got into a Twitter-war with his buddy, Gentle Ken. Ken is a longtime partyer, but trying to keep a clean professional image on Twitter of all places...naturally John chose to tease him until he was blocked. So, who won? Well Ken looks a lot like Elton John, so let this video sway your vote.

Face it, you love that scene in Almost Famous...unless you're John, he hates everything.

-JF

The Fixie Bike Craze

2010-03-03T08:15:00.000-08:00

Well this post may raise the ire of some people. A few which I know on a first name basis. I harbor no ill will towards them and I think everyone should have interests. Schizophrenics have pacing, the obsessive compulsives have washing their hands, mathletes have masturbation and the chronically dull have fixie bicycles. Don't know what a fixie is? Well you lucky devil you... here is a picture...Take a look at that. It's what the product of an incestuous relationship between one of Dr. Seuss's nightmares and one of his wet dreams would look like. This notwithstanding, scads of young people have taken to this nonsense like flies to shit ; which truly is the perfect analogy. It is a bicycle my friends, no more, no less. The bicycle which for all intents and purposes is a lovely creation stemming from the need to get around is nothing more than a mode of transportation. In some instances it is used for competitive sport and in others, for exercise. Some people like to just take a leisurely ride on a Sunday afternoon in the warmer months. Yet my generation for some reason has decided that this utilitarian way of getting around has to be artistic. It HAS to be, or else the passion would be exposed for what it is ; a hobby.

The sad truth folks is that when people look back a hundred years from now they will look at this generation as a group of people who were pissed off that they had nothing to be pissed off about and that was so bereft of anything truly inspirational that they tacked, "art" on to anything they could find. Biking counter-culture? For the love of God why? The cynical need for everyone to have their own niche is getting frustrating to the point of angering. Must everything have a counter-culture attached to it? From now on I'm going to gussy up my Q-Tips. Dye them, maybe import synthetic materials to form the swabs. OH OH OH I know... I'll get groups of other depressing fuckers who cling to these hobbies for the fact that they are personally boring and need these pursuits to have something to talk about together, and we can swap stories about particularly "gnraly" veins of earwax we had "shredded." I will call them, "Tipsy's' and it will become the next sensation! It's not too far from the truth.

Is there merit to the fixie bike craze? You'd think that I would say no but you'd be wrong. There is a tremendous amount of merit to it and the most glaring kernel of merit is this ; it keeps these kinds of people away from me and from other like minded people who don't have their heads in the clouds about bicycles or sing songs about Druids. I suppose that anything that inspires you to the point of creativity or passion is meritorious. That being said, I am smarter than you and thus my opinions hold much more water. To then end this post after the last point... save yourselves youth of America, contribute your piss an' vinegar to something that really matters, find hobbies that don't make others point and stare... and get some fucking jobs.

-Johnnyboy

Grab Back, Fight and F***

2010-01-21T23:08:00.000-08:00

Who doesn't want to be back in their glory days? I for one, miss them more than anything. For me, they were quickly arrived and even more quickly gone. I wont go through the guts of the days I miss, because frankly, they are my memories and I want to keep them as such. Just think back for a moment... to your fondest years. Soak those memories in and then open your eyes. How can I forgive myself for letting them go by so quickly?

Songs flood my memory, images, instances, feelings of immense happiness and dread. Sometimes all the same. Where are those faces that run past my mind's eye at this moment? All alive but yet some are dead, truly. Some of those faces are gone. Never really gone though because I am thinking about them and writing about them. Can I be angry at myself because I never said some of the things I should have said when the time was right? No. The time wasn't right then, but now it is past due. So my apologies and thank yous are in the mail . Better late than never right?

Warm Summers gave way to cold Winters, yet ups and downs not withstanding the seasons were and are just as vibrant and alive in my mind as memories from earlier today. Something had to make them stand out. Skating with Scofield and Dro (may he rest in peace in God's hands) behind Border's in the parking garage, and that weird puddle, Phil and his old house with my best friends watching Prime Time Glick, Jon's old house in Bridgeport which to this day even though he no longer lives there I would NEVER, ever beep my horn in front of, Kevin's basement and writing songs which were played live to kids by myself and my old band who will never remember the night they heard our efforts nor felt our nervousness, kisses, kickflips, 40's, Saabs, mix CD's, addresses, faces, names, numbers, faces, parties, beers, shots, blunts, smiles, instances, faces, time, memories.... I'll never be there again. I just thank God that they're all in my head and I pray not for salvation, but that those memories never leave.

And maybe that is salvation. Who knows?

-John

About the Lovely Bastards; and Why You Should Listen to our Podcasts

2010-01-12T12:56:00.000-08:00

Greetings. Jon eluded to the man-hours it takes to put this amazing oasis of literary gold on the Internet. For the first time ever. we are going to show you step by step how it's done. First off a little background on the Lovely Bastards themselves.

By: Graham D. Dee

John M. and Jon F. have been associates since they attended high school together in the late 1990's. They met whilst playing truly inspirational baseball for their beloved, Crowszerton High School for Gifted Fellas High School, High School.

In the Summer of 2001, John and Jon had a run in with a gang of skate-boarders and the two quickly became interested in all forms of roller-sports. After being exposed to such music as Camp Kill Yourself, Deftones, Hed pe, Nonpoint and other forms of angry white boy music, the two realized that they had a very different view of the reality which we all see around us. They hated it! After brief stints in and out of prison, Jon eventually trained and became a very influential and elusive abortion doctor. He currently resides in Connecticut and blogs about his brutal calling. After commercial success with his DVD series, "Celebrity look-alike 'Bortions" Jon decided it was time to leave the placenta behind and concentrate more on his beloved writing and disturbing hair. Here is the latest portrait painted of Jon, during his effeminate years

John has found major success in his drinking and slow procession to an early grave which he so dearly desires. As of now, no presentable photo of John is available and he likes it that way. Pathetic, he has taken to furious bouts of masturbation which leave him weak and unable to clean up. His friend and trusted colleague J. Son, : "I don't know, ya know. He's a beautiful guy, mind, body, soul and body. His powerful hands really have a power to them, I don't know.... ya know." At present neither heads nor tails can be made of this string of non-sequitors. John enjoys such hobbies as, writing imaginary dialogue for his two cats, siphoning whiskey through his penis and sneezing at babies.

The Lovely Bastards, which are almost a year old, is the offshoot blog of a former blog which in the end was a waste of time. The owner of said blog has fallen into a deep depression since the two intrepid authors declared their Independence and began their own page. He is currently the President of the Hamden Chapter of Diner Waitress-obsessed Zoophiles, or the "tan ten" as they are known. The Bastards, take huge amounts of time out of their lives to create and bring to you, FOR FREE, they might add, excellent literature, poetry and voice-entertainment.

The Bastards do most of their work here,

Once an idea is given ample attention, it is then decided if it, "has legs." Most of them do and it is then off to the races. The two will feverishly work on their prose until it fits their most demanding standards. Then, it is allowed to become a bonafide Lovely Bastards blog post. The podcasts, are another story all together. To hear what goes into an LB pcast, you must listen to the boys as they broadcast CONSTANTLY.

Yes the boys have come a long way and in other ways, little or no progress has been made. They will however keep on trucking and we can only thank God for that.

-G. D. Dee

Internet…As Defined By a Lovely Bastard

2010-01-11T18:10:00.000-08:00

When I am not finding new ways to stick it to The Man, I oft contribute to this blog. Hmm, I guess I haven’t posted in a while. On second glance, I haven’t posted in a long while. I suppose that I have been sticking it to The Man a whole lot these days. With good reason I might add! Simply by looking at our title graphic, we love our music and movies ‘round here. Thanks to technology, I have been finding newer quicker ways to get the music, movies and television I so desire at my fingers through any means necessary (except anally, that’s just not practical, you sick fuck).

All you have to do is YouTube a video tutorial and you can find what you want without even having to read much…

This is because of Internet. Internet has dictated how we ignore others, watch sexual acts that I dare not try on a lady before 3 or more drinks, reconnect with old train wrecks and talk shit about (un)loved ones we only wish the worst.

Internet is also what helps keep me employed and provides the means I need to post my essential opinions to this Information Superhighway. While this post may turn out to be a bit on the short side, I want you all to know that writing a blog is truly hard work that takes many grueling hours. It is severe and unrelenting task and I want to give you all a little window into our blog infrastructure with this hi-resolution photo of Johnnyboy, myself and “the gang” hard at work. Enjoy…

Oh Internet, how I love thee.

-JF

Some Resolutions

2010-01-08T10:34:00.000-08:00

Well Happy New Year I guess... so far none of the resolutions that I decided for myself have been working out. That's ok. I feel that I'm pretty perfect as it is, and it's you, the reader who needs to shape up to fit my specific needs. That's a topic for another post though, without further ado... some resolutions which I will actually TRY to make a reality.

1. Watch Jersey Shore Religiously

And why not? The girls are hot, except for Snooki and there is nothing more satisfying in our modern world of feminism and progressive thought than to hear a big, hulking neanderthal with a thick (put on) NY accent call girls, "creatures." I'm not Italian and as someone with Irish blood, I'm pretty happy that I'm not. In fact the Irish and the Italians don't really like each other. That being said, I love these guys. There's a fight every episode! Snooki has had her clock cleaned twice in three weeks! It's great stuff. If anyone says that there arent anymore extreme forms of entertainment like feeding people to lions, or gladiator fights... show them this freak show. By the way... the hot chick on the show, J-WOWW, with the huge fake boobs who wants a "guido"... her last name is Farley. Sorry Guiseppe go dunk your balls in some "gravy."

2. Watch Teen Mom Religiously

And why not? Once again, it's a freak show. MTV has really upped the anty with these horrible, yet addictive shows. I love this show for the simple fact that it makes me feel better about my life. I'm not a teenager anymore, but at least I don't have a fuckin kid. Also it's a great show to drink to... and yes by the end of each episode we're all talking about which one we'd bang. Plus when we watch the show, there is usually a moment in every episode where the obese chick with the squinty eyes cries, and that's just TV magic. There is something about watching that land-whale bawl that warms my heart and makes me smile. The sad thing here is the kids will all grow up to be awful wastes of life who will end up killing their mother's for exploiting their statuses as bastards during their infancy's. Oh man even better, when is it gonna be Tuesday????

3. Use a Chainsaw

And why not? I feel like a man should own a chainsaw. I don't really have any trees to cut down, but if one crops up, what the hell am I gonna do? Use an axe like my great great great granpappy did? Hell no, homey don't play that. I also want to get a picture of me wielding the chainsaw in a menacing fashion. So really, all I need is a camera and a chainsaw for like two minutes. If anyone out there could hook that up, that'd be dynamite. Get back to me.

In the end folks, I have a pretty good feeling about these three little resolutions. What will 2010 bring us? Last year, we had alot of celebrity deaths, our young energetic President didn't do a single thing he said he was going to do, the war in Afghanistan got worse, more jobs were lost, people got poorer and I got a really bad sunburn on vacation. I have a feeling it will be more of the same this year, but as long as I have television, alcohol and my best of the Monkees CD, I'll be all set. As for you, dear reader, I could care less, just don't bother me while I'm watching my stories.

Every Battle Is Won Before It's Fought

2009-12-25T22:13:00.000-08:00

Jon and I like to have fun with this blog, and although our readership is minuscule, we do this for your benefit. So after my holiday post I feel it important to make this post. It's 1:15 on Christmas night... or more like 1:15 in the morning on Boxing Day. I didn't go to church today, but I spent the whole day with my family and sending Christmas pleasantries with my friends via texts and calls. I take this opportunity to say, Merry Christmas to you. CHRISTMAS. Not happy holidays. Whether you are Christian, or not you have to understand that the reason that you have a tree in your house, and that your received presents from loved ones today is because that Jesus Christ was born today. Or at least we've chosen this day to celebrate His birth. Love Him or not, believe in Him or not, without Him there's no Santa Claus, there's no egg nog, there's no nothing without Him, or the people who still have the balls to say they believe in and love Him. I say this for the simple fact that when I see a Jewish friend around this time of year I make it a point to say Happy Hanukkah. Because, after all it is Hanukkah time and I respect faith. If I see a Wiccan, after I stifle my vomit, I say Happy Solstice. Because I respect faith. When I see someone around Christmas, I as a Christian, am inclined to say Merry Christmas, just as the Wiccan is inclined to say Happy Solstice, or as a Jew is inclined to say Happy Hanukkah because it is something they believe in. Do I hold belief against someone if it is different from mine? No. I hear alot of keep Christ in Christmas talk. That's fine. He belongs in Christmas. The fact of the matter is that Christmas has taken on a mythic position in the minds of all. We're all a little nicer, and maybe we give the Salvation Army Santa a fiver instead of the dollar we give to the war vets who then hand you a cray paper flower. I say it is time to respect what the meaning of Christmas truly is. A time where we all realize that we are human beings with flaws, shortcomings and not all of us drive luxury cars. A time where I realize that alot of people don't have a beautiful Christmas tree next to them as I do, people who don't own a computer to blog on, great friends who would crawl for hell through them as I have, and a family that stands as a standard against time who's love is truly divine as I believe I have. Those people who don't... they need Christmas. We like it, they need it. Don't take Jesus out of Christmas. If we do, we eventually lose all of what Christmas means, as it is and is always, a very slippery slope. So I say to you as a Roman Catholic, Merry Christmas and glory to the world, as we have been given not only a Savior, but a time of year where we care a little bit more. If that isn't a product of the divine... well I really don't want to think about that.

Merry Christmas from Jon and John. Try to keep it through the year... you might surprise yourself.

Happy Holidays from the Lovely Bastards

2009-12-11T10:28:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas from Jon and myself. Probably won't be blogging between now and ol' Xmas so let me take this time to say... Enjoy your fucking egg nog and your over-cooked turkey. I hope your tree doesn't catch fire in the middle of the night on Xmas Eve and burn your house down. I truly wish that you aren't arrested for drunk driving on Xmas morn and raped by trogaladitic mongoloid inmates on Three Kings Day. Have a wonderful Kwaanza and any other bullshit, made up holidays that you feel important enough to celebrate. I know that this year I am truly looking forward to Crum Day, the day on which you profess your love for your family by eating cheesesteaks and drinking copious amounts of whiskey. May your Chanukkahdhsahjklfsd be filled with the glory of cheap oil heating, as it is this miracle which kept the Jewish people in affordable housing with utility costs at a bare minimum. All you lovely Wiccans out there... well... just die, please, seriously you're pathetic. Go read your "Cathy" comic strips and drink Chai Lattes until your gout finally claims your right foot and you have to hobble around like a chunky disabled witch. I'd sooner believe in the power of Dumbledor than the power of chanting nonsense words in a basement of some spinsters house while Enya endlessly drones on in the background.

Let me end this by paraphrasing the immortal words of The Night Before Christmas...

To My Dear Children, Love... Dad.
"Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house,
not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
and I was upstairs backdooring your mother, and pulling her hair.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I pulled out of ol' mom to see whats the matter?
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
my boner regally poking up against the glass.
When what to my wondering eyes did appear,
but some fat fucker in a red suit chugging a beer.
The moon on the crest of the new fallen snow,
made me realize that tomorrow I'd have to shovel and that just blows.
More rapid than horses his coursers they came,
and he whistled and shouted and called them by name:
On Slippy on Drippy on Gassy and Faggy,
on Dermot on Mongo and move your ass Mackey Sasser,
to the top of the house to the top of the wall, now dash away dash away
do it you fuckers!
His deer didn't look healthy and neither did he,
his clothes were all sooty and he was covered in piss. (Thought I'd say, 'pee' didn't ya?)
Snot was running all down his 'stache and his pants were worn away
at the seat of his ass,
His bag of toys was a joke as it was all filled with trash,
and he referred to Mrs. Claus as, "his old, whiney gash"
Santa said I, what the fuck bro?
He looked at me and told me where to go.
He turned and he farted and pull out his hog,
he pissed on my tree and shit on my dog.
He threw some crap into the stockings,
coughed violently for a minute and vomited from hocking.
Santa, do you need some help? I exclaimed
"I don't need your help clown, now get back upstairs,
finish banging that broad but go easy on the hair."
The next morn we woke up to find the presents all there,
but so was Santa as he had passed away on the stairs.
The tox report said that he'd been on ludes and blow,
and the cold air didn't help nor did the snow.
But I'll never forget the last thing he said as turned with a wink,
"Merry Christmas you jagoff, go puke in the sink."

The End

Happy Holidays!!!

The Lovely Bastards Speak!

2009-11-22T17:22:00.000-08:00

Join the Lovely Bastards as we exploit the world of podcasting with special guests Alex T, Sweet Daddy Wargs & play "Where In The World Is Jayson Sandiego" with Jayson Smuckface.

Click on the icon to play...

2009 : A Baseball Odyssey

2009-11-09T09:07:00.000-08:00

Ok, so let me start off by congratulating the New York Yankees, the greatest team in the history of sports... the most wonderful group of human beings on the planet for their victory over the Phillies in the 2009 World Series. Phillies? Yeah... I want to root for a team named after a female horse. Blow me Jimmy Rollins, you are an idiot. Moving along, I want to convey to you dear reader, what it's like watching a baseball game with my friends. It is exhausting, angering and utterly disgusting at times. I watched the majority of the Yankee games I saw this season (probably close to 145-155 if we're counting radio broadcasts and blackberry alerts) In my own home. The rest of them, I'm gonna say maybe 35, at my friend's house. Lets call him Ray. That's alot of baseball to watch with someone who asks questions like, "are they playing at home right now?" Most of the time, I just shrugged the questions off and enjoyed the game, but after a while it got painful at best.

I don't pretend to be the biggest Yankee fan in the NY Metropolitan area, I am the biggest Yankee fan in the NY Metro area. I live and die with this team and have since my first game at the old stadium against Cal Ripken's Orioles in July, 1990. My Great Grandfather called a game with Mel Allen in the late 1940's, at Yankee stadium, in the booth. That's fucking cool. Needless to say, I am a bit obsessed. Sportswise, I enjoy football. Basketball is alright if its the playoffs. Hockey is cool live. Soccer isn't a sport, its a torture, but baseball, in my eyes, is the greatest game ever devised on this planet. The timing, accuracy and pace are pure perfection. Ken Burns put it best, "It is a leisurely game, that demands blinding speed. The only game, where the defense has the ball." Ok now that you understand where I'm coming from, you will see why Ray, our other friend Gill and Gill's dog, Flerberus made my post season a living hell.

I love my friends. They are great and I depend on them, I can only hope they look at me as someone they can depend on. Watching baseball with them though, well that's another story. Here are a couple instances from the 2009 post season which made my blood boil. Everything in Quotations is from the lips of Ray, Gill and Flerberus.

1. "Ok so wait, why is Jeter out?" Well, because he bunted it foul for a third strike. "But it went foul." Exactly, that's a strike. "I know bro, but it's a foul ball." Yes, but it was a fucking bunt... when you bunt it foul for a third strike, you're out. "Since when?" SINCE BASEBALL WAS INVENTED IN THE 19th CENTURY. "Calm down, I just didn't know."

2. This ump isn't giving Pettitte any room to breathe tonight. "Yeah well I mean shit." ..... Yeah, well? "Well what?" What do you mean? Do you think he's not throwing strikes or... just not getting the calls? "Either way dude." (I don't need to explain why this is aggravating.)

3. "Bro don't even worry I'm getting like 50 wings in about ten minutes, so we can just eat em and then get all drunk and fucked up" That's not the point Gill, we need to wrap this up tonight, I can't take another night of this stress. "Whatever bro its whatever, I mean shit we can win it at home, and so what if it goes to seven games dude, the Yankees always win game 7 at home, you know that." Um, the Yankees have never played a World Series game 7 at home. "Well whatever bro I mean seriously dude, its gonna be fine dude, we got CC going Wednesday." No we don't, its Pettitte on short rest. "Well whatever bro, I'm gonna go get the wings."

4. "Woof." Shutup Flerberus.

5. "When the Yankees win tonight..." - FUCKING JINX. Didn't these idiots ever play a sport before?

6. (I just pulled up to my friends apt. about 15 minutes into the 1st inning, Game 5) Why are you guys out here and not watching the game?? "Flerberus beefed pretty hard dude, we can't go in there right now." Wait, we can't go in because your dog farted? "Yeah bro it was pretty gnarly, he's been eating alot of cheese an shit recently." This is fucking stupid dude, I wanna watch the game, that's why I came here in the first place. "Well it should be kosher by the bottom of the 2nd at the latest."

Ladies and gentlemen, the problem here is that Ray claims to have played baseball as a kid so his questions about rules and the like are even more absurd. Gill likes the Yankees if they're in the playoffs. Palex Mudor, my other friend was there for a couple of games but he kept quiet and enjoyed the baseball. Thank you Palex. Flerberus is just a fucking goon who was put on this Earth to eventually eat Gill's dead body after his girlfriend inevitably shoots and kills him. The Yankees won though, and it was a fun post season I guess. Next year if the Yanks are good and lucky enough to get back to the tournament.... I may just catch the games at home.

Getting To Know Me...

2009-10-25T19:21:00.000-07:00

So I've been blogging in some form for a while now and I feel I have failed you the reader to get to know me. With that said, I'm finally submitting my staff biography here at The Lovely Bastards...enjoy!

"Both as a wannabe graphic designer and co-author of this blog, Jonny F is a lifelong problem solver. Companies and semi-professionals of all ilks turn to him for help resolving their graphical and assorted nonsensical concerns. A human being in Connecticut for nearly 27 years, he knows the state's alcohol and Italian cuisine infrastructures in depth. Drawing upon his extensive knowledge and his knack for creative thinking, he prank-calls local laughingstock John “Beatboy” Melnicough on a weekly basis recurrently making fun of the same incessant individuals, oft “beating a dead horse.”

Mr. Jonny’s life encompasses virtually any type of dispute, whether between associates or involving outsiders. Mr. F cut his teeth in the schoolyard, being bullied and picked last in the “gym room”, making him bitter at individuals better suited for success than he. Through the years, he pigeon-holed his life to where it is today. While drinking and pointing out the shortcomings of others remain key areas of his focus, he now represents a wide variety of losers in a vast array of matters. Of particular emphasis to him are sleeping, eating, doing the same routine at the gym, spend money he really does not have and sabotaging any relationship he could potentially have due to his crippling fear of commitment and monogamy.

As his practice has grown and diversified, so has his involvement in community affairs and state and local politics. Mr. F sits on the board of directors of 4B Land-trust Foundation of Connecticut, Local 12 of the Ball Buster’s Union, The International House of Sauteed Onions, and Greater New Haven Alchemist’s Aid. He is extremely inactive in many local non-profit organizations, and has written many articles including Short Arms, Deep Pockets: I Need a Tax-Write-off, Okay? and Volunteerism Only Masks Your Deep Insecurities and Constant Need for External Approval.

Growth and diversification likewise characterize Mr. F’s leadership of the firm as its managing partner. He has been instrumental in helping The Lovely Bastards become one of Connecticut's leading organizations in underachieving. Under his management, the firm significantly lessened and weakened its practice areas. His lack of commitment to community has been a catalyst for the firm's greater captivation in doing absolutely nothing. Additionally, he was recently elected to the Bridgeport Bar Association with limited access to sleep on hardwood floors when applicable.

For his clients, Mr. F’s experience is key - experience in the lunchroom, in the bathroom and in the bar. Clients know that these elements add up to a man they can barely trust to solve any business problem they face, all the while keeping in mind what great hair he has…"

Thanks for reading,

-JF

Labels

2009-10-08T10:44:00.000-07:00

First off, let me say that the amount of emails Jon and I have gotten in this unannounced, "off-season" have been really obnoxious. We are busy, just give it some time and we will post. Anyway... hi. So one thing that I have been struggling with lately is the fact that everyone and everything is ascribed a label these days. Nerds are "gamers." Really? I thought they were just dorks who were better at fake situations and using their thumbs than real situations and using their dicks. Closet homosexuals are now, "hipsters." Complete with their own clothing, bicycles and slang. Here's one for ya brah.... hey bro wanna dip down to the corner alley and give each other blowjees? It'll be hella sick. AIDS may not be such a bad thing.

I am at my wits end with all this bullshit. I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to kill someone for the simple fact that I can tell they have something like Coldplay, or Frou Frou playing on their Ipods. Fuck this, I'm done writing. Just wanted to let our thousands of fans know we are still alive. I love you all.

5 People You Don't Wanna Leave Your Kids With

2009-08-16T11:08:00.001-07:00

Its a fucking jungle out there. Or so the story goes. Anyway, I was thinking about kids the other day, and more to the point my kids (if I ever have any) and I wondered what my screening process would be for babysitters. Everyone is pretty messed up in one way or another, but who would be the MOST messed up? That's who I'd pick. Toughen them up young, I don't want some whiny crybaby who is going to throw a fit every time I say the word "no." Without further ado... here are 5 people that YOU don't want to leave your kids with. Some of them are dead... but you get the point.

1. GG Allin Well just take a look at that picture. It says it all. Alot of people don't know who GG Allin was, and thats kind of a shame. I'm not going to describe exactly who GG was, but lets just say that if you went to a Murder Junkies show in the late 80's or early 90's there was a good chance you would either get raped (orally, vaginally and anally) beaten to within an inch of your life, or had piss, shit, blood and cum thrown on you by that guy right up there. So yeah leaving your kids with this guy would be a bad idea. Oddly enough, GG had a daughter. She's off the grid and with good reason, so we're not sure if she's started raping people yet, but we're almost positive shes thrown piss on at least one person. Oh and GG is dead, but I'm guessing you wouldn't wanna leave your kids with his ghost either.

2. The Character, Vern Schilinger from the Show Oz

Ohhh yeah you remember this guy. He raped Beecher and then carved a swastika into his ass with a red hot ball point pen. NOT a good guy to leave your kids with. Now there are two schools of thought here... Mine (the right one) and Yours, the reader's (the wrong one) Mine goes as follows: with the way the world is going and the direction this country is heading in, it might not be bad for a tyke to learn how to survive in prison, or at least how to make a shank. Yours goes like this: oh boo hoo I need another latte, little Piearson and Madison need to be taken care of when I'm out taking my daily constitutional, oh my stars boo hoo. You fuckin' pansy. But no seriously folks, don't leave your kids with nazis.

3. Lt. Dan TaylorI always liked this guy. Even in Ransom. Sinise is a good actor but Lt. Dan would be awful as a babysitter. Not because of his drinking, or his penchant for banging strippers, or his dirty appearance... but because he wouldn't be able to get around that easy and what if your kids decide to play in the stove? His wheels could get caught on something. Don't leave your kids with Lt. Dan or anyone else in a wheel chair.

4. Janeane Garofalo

Somehow she'd figure out a way to turn your kids into lesbians. Even if you have boys. There is something about this woman that just makes me queasy. She's not funny, attractive or important in any way shape or form in the entertainment business. She's a superfluous jerk. If you left your kids with her for a couple of hours they would instantly lose any future in having a sense of humor. Sometimes I think this woman was spawned just to remind us from time to time that there is always someone worse off than we. I know she has more money than me and that shes a C maybe B list celebrity but I can say without a doubt that I'm better than her. So are you. So are we all.

5. Me

Look at how regally my ascot is tucked into my waistcoat. Sheer poetry in clothing. Anyway no really I suck at watching kids. I was a camp counselor for about 5 years too... that didn't help anything. I used to play a game called "executioner" with my kids where everyday I'd select one of my campers to be my "hitman" and throughout the day we would pick out campers at random, take them about ten feet away from the group, make them kneel, execution style, and he or she and I would whip dodgeballs at the back of the kid's head - much to the delight of the other campers. They actually loved the game, and I got a kick out of throwing dodgeballs at kids. It was win win. I think one of the reasons that I don't think you'd want me to watch your kids is because I really don't like them. Maybe when they're my own I'll change my mind but I really doubt it. So I guess I am going to have to pawn them off on my parents until they reach an age when I won't find them so annoying... maybe around 23. Then I'll do the whole father thing with them. At this rate, I'm not worried about it because I don't even remember what a vagina looks like.

Woe is me.

I'd Run The Gamut If I Knew What The Fuck a Gamut Was

2009-08-09T22:45:00.000-07:00

Apparently, a gamut is every note in a hexachord. Great so what the hell is a hexachord? Please don't respond with the answer. Fact of the matter is that everywhere I go during the course of a regular day I am confronted with someone, or something, or someplace which claims to be an expert. For instance; Wendy's. Wendy's has the bacon cheeseburger market cornered. On their high deceptive menu I see at least 10 different sandwiches I can purchase. At least 8 of them have bacon on them. OK I get it, you like bacon. You know that we like bacon. So lets just bask in the greatness of your marketing department who after painstaking research have finally understood that the American people like bacon. That would be like Playboy coming out and giving us new and exciting ways to jerk off. Maybe if you slap your swinebeast between a bun with lettuce and ketchup you'll achieve the greatest orgasm of your life.

Bottom line; I am sick of people marketing things to me that I already know I like. I am also pissed that I am dim-witted enough to buy into the bullshit. I like being clean... but Axe makes you so clean that an army of women will wash me down. I like driving my Volkswagen.... but Volkswagen reaffirms my allegiance to their company. I like beer. Budweiser tells me I am right. Thank you faceless company, life was almost not worth living until your commercial reaffirmed my correctness. I love life. Thank you God. Thank you God: that should be enough. But it ain't. How far have we strayed as a people that non-sequitors become benchmarks albeit subconscious, in our own personal lexicon. I feel like yelling, "just do it." Just blow me. When I'm done, clean me with a warm towel. Only if it's sporting the swoosh though.

Well I suppose that is the nature of life. If it were as cut and dry as we would all like it to be, we would be able to order a cheeseburger, and decide if we want bacon when they ask you, "what would you like on that?" But we're too stupid. They have to show us a picture of a cheeseburger with bacon to remind us that we like bacon. Maybe we all have too much to think about, and this is the product of it. I doubt it though. Fact of the matter is... they realize how stupid we are. They make money off of it. In the end, we're all a little more idiotic, but at least we're eating the burger we wanted. Or at least the one we saw in the picture. Isn't that the point?

Hip Hop Once Saved My Life

2009-08-09T20:29:00.000-07:00

Dear Children of Today,

You might hear some of us older (25 years+) fans of the rap genre clamoring for the days of yore as it pertains this creative outlet of artistic expression. Names like Gangstarr, De La Soul, A Tribe Called Quest and even the Wu-Tang Clan likely mean little to you. If you are reading this, you probably want to know what it was really like. Well kids, this was hip-hop as we all knew it:

If this music video teaches us anything its:

1) You can walk into a complete stranger's house and "rap" your way out of a breaking and entering.
2) Other than the obviously necessary bling and fly kicks, you can "flow" your way into taking whatever you want.
3) DO NOT include your ulterior motives in your rhymes.
4) Have fun!

Make sense? Long story short, my great grandparents might not have been too keen on Elvis' "crazy" (at the time) dance moves, my grandparents probably didn't "get" The Doors, my dad doesn't see the skill in rapping spoken word over a sample and I don't enjoy the new music with the auto-tuner in every song (although I feel my generational gap of good music has ended way too early). Every generation, by and large, dislikes the current trend and clamors back to the old days. Unfortunately, I have to come to grips with this at the age of 26. Can't music just be yabba-dabba delicous forever?

-JF

Flops

2009-08-03T10:47:00.001-07:00

Recently, while on vacation I noticed a new trend which seems to be all the rage amongst young women these days. Let me set the scene for you ; walking down the street with my friends on our way to whatever bar looks like the most appealing, dressed well and looking not too shabby for a crew of drunk assholes, we spot a group of girls heading towards us and from a distance and they look great. Then we get closer and I notice that they're out looking for the same thing we are... which not to put too fine a point on it, is sex or any number of sexual activities that will eventually lead to an orgasm. Get a little closer and now we can see that theyre dressed to kill. Expensive dresses, makeup, hair, the whole nine yards. Basically they put some time and effort into looking the best they could for their night out. And then we notice it. They're all wearing flip flops. Did I miss something here? Or more importantly... didn't you miss something ladies?

A couple of months ago I posted about how I think it's ridiculous that women put so much emphasis on getting pedicures. The fact of the matter however, is that pedicures are apparently mucho important to alot of women. That's fine. So when you wear flip flops on a dress to impress night, what are you telling the world exactly? Last night while at a bar I asked the bartender whom I'm friendly with about this whole thing. Without missing a step she said, "Oh you mean dressy casual?" What the fuck does one thing have to do with the other? If I go on a job interview and wear a jacket and tie, you better believe I'm not gonna wear flip flops. So where the hell do the flip flops come in? Who decides this crap? Also... flip flops are annoying. Shoes are meant to keep feet warm and away from broken glass, not to announce your presence five steps before you get there. It's just lazy. Girls, you look stupid when you wear them with some five hundred dollar frock.

The other trend that I've noticed which isn't as bad as the whole flip flop thing but pretty close, is the apparent desire of young girls to walk around looking like Roman Centurions. It is the complete opposite of the lazy chicks who decide flip flops set off the final touch on their outfits. These women are telling the world that not only are their feet fantastic, but to frame that splendour (notice the brit spelling) with the most intricate leather-work sandals imaginable is the only way to go. (Girls thought process) - "I really wanna meet someone tonight, so I'm gonna go for the sexy casual look by way of Gladiator." Ladies, guys don't want to date a girl who looks like she could be pulling an oar on a galley, leave the sandals back in the 1st century where they belong.

In the end, I know absolutely nothing about fashion. I can look good if I try, but most of the time I just bum it. Unless I'm heading out to nice places. So I don't know what women should wear on their feet that would be sexy and not obnoxious. That's where fashion designers come in. They're falling down on the job. Don't even get me started on Uggs.

Facebook Suggests That You and I Become Friends, I Suggest You Drop Dead

2009-07-14T11:30:00.000-07:00

I remember the first day of high school, and I remember the last. Ok, the first day of high school was nerve wracking, uncomfortable, new, exciting, and in the end started four years of my life that I would really rather forget. The last day, was liberating, exciting and offered me the options of either making connections that hopefully would last, or turning around and saying a big "drop dead" to the majority of people that were wearing caps and gowns that day. I chose to say drop dead. In fact, to this day I only speak to two people from high school regularly, and maybe a grand total of 5 altogether. Here's my point ; graduation offers every kid a crossroads, at a very special time in their adult-formative years and whichever road they choose says alot about how things are going to turn out for them. It is the first real social decision you'll ever make completely on your own. Up until that point, your social path has been laid out for you by parents and the inevitability of school. Then school itself shapes you: the music you like, the kind of person you are, the clothes you wear, the things you enjoy, will more than likely determine what "clique" you fall into. Graduation is the young man or young woman's first opportunity to decide about his or her path as they move away from being a kid and take the first step on the road to adulthood. You can either stay within the safety net of your clique, that comforted you for the previous four years or you can say 'fuck you' to the clique and decide to become your own person.

I said fuck you. So did Jon. So did my friend Paul. That is why the three of us who were friends in high school, became great friends over time after high school. So when facebook asks me if I'd like to be friends with someone that I went out of my way NOT to be friends with, it pisses me off. This is yet another option facebook came up with to try to keep the user on the site for a few more minutes than they would usually stay on... for the purposes of advertising. Now I know that to make a buck and more importantly, to keep facebook free of charge, they need to make money off of advertising. Great, I got it. This is another invasion of privacy that facebook has decided will make all of our lives better. I know I forget my best friends all the time... thank you facebook for reminding me of their presence on the planet. Its blatant, and annoying. Every once in a while, someone will "friend" me and I will wonder how the hell they even remembered my name from years ago; then it will dawn on me. "Suggestions." Fuck.

In the end it is not a big deal. I just feel that we are regressing slowly. Now technologies are subtly second-guessing important social and developmental decisions that we made / make. Do you really not want to be friends with this guy or girl? Shouldn't you bury the hatchet? Don't you want to be friendly? Give me a break. I'll make these decisions for myself and accept the consequences. If I blow someone off when I am 18 and then desperately want to re-connect ten years later but can't because I buried their name in my memory... I'll have to deal with that and maybe, just maybe I'll end up learning a lesson from it. Am I overreacting? Yes, I probably am. My point stands though; make up your own minds about people, and ignore the suggestions from machines.

I Have To Say I Really Don't Mind That All These "celebs" are Dying.

2009-07-13T11:33:00.000-07:00

Ed McMahon. Farrah Fawcett. Michael Jackson. Billy Mays. Steve McNair. I think I'm probably missing a couple. But lets face it, who gives a shit? When I heard Ed McMahon died, I sorta shrugged. He was old, and unfortunately old people have a tendency to die. Now I'm not saying I wanna see more celebs drop dead, but I wouldn't mind a few more. It's been entertaining to say the least.

INTERNATIONAL FREAKSHOW AND WORLD'S GREATEST ONE-GLOVED PEDOPHILE DIES IN CREEPY CHILD-LIKE MANSION IN CALIFORNIA. A NATION MOURNS.

What a guy. His funeral bankrupted California. Talk about the king of the freaks sticking it to the State of clowns. That'd be like if Osama Bin Laden's funeral bankrupted Al Qaeda.

ANNOYING GUY WHO NEVER STOPPED YELLING THANKFULLY FOUND DEAD IN HIS HOME. A NATION MOURNS.

I guess I feel bad that this guy is dead. He never really pissed me off, aside from the yelling and slight lisp. I will say this... his pitch technique almost always made me not want to buy anything he was selling. So his shtick worked in reverse on me, but nevertheless it worked.

OLD MAN WITH HEALTH ISSUES DIES AT 86. WHY IS THIS NEWS? A NATION MOURNS.

We expected this guy to hang on? Look at him. He looks like an extra on "The Sopranos : The Autumn Years" Whats with the velour track suit? Oh well. See ya Ed.

FAMOUS NIPPLE DIES. A NATION MOURNS

I bet alot of guys out there who jerked off to this poster fantasized about fucking Farrah Fawcett up the ass, and I hope the irony is not lost on them. That being said, she is the one celeb that we lost that I feel genuinely sorry for. She was overshadowed by the prince of jackass's death and Farrah was pushed to the back. Plus, she was gorgeous in her day. RIP Farrah

Death is a part of life. Or so they say. Either way when its a famous person we tend to care a bit more than say, oh I don't know a war hero or somebody like that. We give air-time and extravagant funerals to perverts though, and dammit, we're the best at that. God Bless the USA.

Books That Should Be Written, Vol. 2

2009-07-07T10:53:00.000-07:00

Well, after weeks and weeks of reading sub-par books I've decided that I am going to compile another list of books that should be written. Without further ado...

1. Carrot Fucker ; The Katherine Hepburn Story.
We follow Kate's steps as she grew from a precocious spoiled little brat to a homely man-faced thespian. Also, we delve into my theory that she maintained her sanity on the set of "Suddenly Last Summer" by soothing her throbbing sexual urges with carrots, the popular phallic vegetable found in many salads. She then dies.

2. The Rainbow's Heart of Love
A biography on Adolph Hitler written by Al Sharpton, and in the voice and tone of Dr. Seuss' "Cat In The Hat." "Too cold to go out, to wet to play ball, so we sat in the Reichstag and did nothing at all... brothas and sistas."

3. Return Game
James is a retired CIA operative who is thrust into the world of underground slave trafficking. James has been down on his luck since he left the Agency, but now whether he likes it or not, he's going back undercover in a heroic attempt to save a young man's life. On his way to Mumbai to track down the little tyke, he loses interest completely and ends up blowing it hard over the weekend in London. Andy may be lost forever, but James will have stories to tell for years to come.

4. Watch Out!
A picture book of people doing everyday things, such as ; firing handguns at orphanages, masturbating with a wooden glove, old women picking fights with shadows, a cat shitting on the President's golf bag, two drunks dueling with dil-doh's, a Priest pimp smacking a ho, a toddler with "fuck off" tattooed on his forehead. Things like that.

5. Move Over Rover and Let Schlomo Take Over
Schlomo, the slow witted kosher butcher who has a love for rock music and checkers, decides to take his show on the road. He is mocked and beaten in every town he performs in until he hires, Reggie, the gruff old Irish dock worker to be his bodyguard / lover. Things get weird when Schlomo books a gig at a KKK rally, believing it to be the popular, " kool kosher kids " group he was thrown out of in his youth. After years of mediocre success, Schlomo challenges Matisyahu to a fight to the death, but Matisyahu is busy getting laid. Schlomo decides to kill himself, but Reggie has the gun and he's all the way across town so he grabs a burger instead.

6. Damage Report If You Please
A young girl is forced to come to grips with reality when she discovers that she beer she had been sipping had a cigarette in it.

7. Fudge
The dark, dismal story of Ebeneezer Fudge, the sexually retarded ice cream truck driver who gets his jolly's from peeing on hobo's in the night.

In the end none of these books will ever be written. That's why this country is going to hell.

Putting The "I" In Team

2009-07-06T18:04:00.000-07:00

So I have made an attempt to join LinkedIn today (professional social networking for folks looking for employment contacts). It was an "attempt" because I realized I haven't received an award since the 8th grade (once I realized the system was bullshit) or been a part of a team deemed resume-worthy. I actually regretted this, but I don't really care anymore. I hate ass kissers and to be a "team player" in your bosses' eyes, that is what you have to do. I have a newer boss, I buck the system whenever I can. I work with others, but still maintain my individuality.

I know at some point someone is going to tell my nieces and nephew, "There is no "I" in team." I say maybe so, there is an "I" in Intelligence, Integrity, Independence and Individuality. I don't want to tell Facebook, LinkedIn and the like about my private life. After all, the best actors have maintained their individuality and privacy: Jack Nicholson, Edward Norton, Christopher Walken, Robert De Niro, you get the point. They aren't on Access Hollywood and The Insider, why should I be overexposed on "social networking?"

I say, avoid the hype that is teams. My circle of friends is getting smaller as I get older and that's how I like it. I'll only join a group if I must (union, silly Facebook group to shut someone up), but I don't care to participate.

Next time someone tells me that I'm not a team player, I'll just tell them how attentive I think they are. Are we playing fucking baseball here? Unless you want to be benched with the other unemployed “team losers” then get some hard facts behind your job. Chances are you hate your job (sometimes I do too), so be yourself and do it half ass. It's the American Way!

-JF

Things I Should Say To A Hooters Waitress

2009-07-05T18:44:00.000-07:00

Did I just refer to them as waitresses? The term waitress is indicative of work and effort. I digress, ah The Hooters. One of the last bastions of politically incorrect forms of "guy-time." I won't go into a terrible diatribe bashing Hoots, I don't care enough, but I'll say this; the food and service is terrible. At the end of the day, it's still a place of dining. Maybe your PG-13 version of sex and stripper-like clubs, but still a place of business nonetheless. I have never gone for the food, it's terrible. To me, it gets my Spike TV loving, thrill-seeking douchebag friends a chance to look at scantily-clad women pour beer into a mug while staring at some cleavage. One thing I noticed about the service is that the girls seem to show pity and thus some inkling of a personality towards fat losers, cripples and white trash people that bring the entire family, including the kids. I don't fall into any of those categories, so most of the time, I am shit out of luck in the customer service realm. With that said, here is a short list of things I'd like to say to a Hooters server:

Do you fuck while while wearing the "uniform?"
Make the hand-quotes when you ask too, just so they get the point. Unless she has a great personality (which I seriously doubt) or is too hot for you to ask, I really see no point in dating a "server" without doing this. Who wouldn't want to drop those tiny orange shorts at least once in their lifetime? Hmmm, perhaps that's another restaurant altogether (tossing the name Cooters around), but I'll save that for another blog.

You're gorgeous! You must be a high-end working girl!
I've been told I have an eye for the ones that are banging local mayors.

Do you have a boyfriend? I bet he has never introduced you to his parents!
I wouldn't either.

Thank you for the bill, may I grab your tits?
Even though I am the one getting fucked with overpriced, shitty food, I still like to grab a girl's boobs during any halfway decent American sexual encounter.

Get me some eggs, will ya?
Hey, no deep-seed issues with this one, sometimes I just want some damn eggs from time to time. They're fuckin healthy for ya.

Fuck off.
Kids learn this early on; the good looking people win in life in the interim. Sorry Molly Ringwold, but its usually true. You're good looking, you get attention, so you can get away with lousy, insincere service and still get that great tip by the fat, crippled guy. Looks fade, the tits will get saggy, unless crippy boy get you that lift. Fuck off.

When it's all said and done, when my friends go to Hooters, I walk to the nearby Friendlys and get better food at a friendlier price, then meet up for a beer. I'll take a fat chick serving me good food while providing excellent customer service any day of the week over a miserable Hooters girl that is more focused on having her loser boyfriend in the 1998 Honda Civic with the bad rims pick her up so she can get a "Mani" or a "Pedi." Chances are the fat chick at Friendly's is better in the sack too, after all, she did provide better service, right? I'm just sayin...

-JF

CKY Carver City... A Review From a Fan

2009-07-01T22:13:00.000-07:00

Ok so first off... yes I am a fan. As is Jon. CKY has played as the soundtrack to our lives from juniors in high school until now. I even went out and bought a Parker Nitefly when I was 20. Saw them twice and still have an autographed set list hanging on my wall. I wanna talk about Carver City, CKY's new opus.

First off, Jess Margera has come a long way as a drummer. His skill is maturing. Wonderful. Deron Miller knows this as well and is now using Margera's drumming as a focal point to his songs. The stutter steps of Margera's drumming are not beyond, but in a different (yet familiar realm) than the music. Miller is improvising his guitar riffs over Margera's new role as not only the time keeper and backbone of the band, but as the driving force. This leaves Miller's riffs a bit underdone and overdone with production as a result. Nevertheless the man can write a hook. Bass accompanies, and CIG just does what he's told. He's happy to be part of something and I'm afraid to say it... that is where his influence ends. Moving on..

Miller's lyrics and emotional drive have matured. From "96 Quite Bitter Beings," immortal line, " they've deleted all the tourists at the bottom of the lake"... to "Boardwalk Body"'s "all evidence was washed out by the tide"... we see a growth from horror infused lyrics to an emotional cry born out of personal, and maybe a bit too esoteric memories. Bottom line is... horror movies are fun and a great platform to rock a band, but to endure that horror, one must be made to eat away at the listener. Favorite song on the album by far. Mainly because I don't like listening to it... the harmonies and riffs are too into the emotion. Miller has done it. I don't want to look at the body, just as the character in the song doesn't, but cant turn away. I cant turn away from this song or this album.

Some of the effects in the song are a bit overdone. Am I listening to Owl City, or am I listening to CKY? Its overdone and un-needed in some places. The genius guitar riffs and accompanying bass lines stand alone and are more than enough. The drumming is almost too good for the album and it seems as if the band is over-compensating for the fact that they now have a drummer who can really bring it. Drums aren't the show... fuck Grateful Dead... I want to hear rock. Margera's artistic voice is lost in Miller's whimsy. But this doesn't bother me.... but it may down the line.

Miller's lyrics aren't comic book anymore. He's getting older, the band is getting older and so are their fans. Margera's drumming is becoming a force in the band. The overall message remains the same, yet the imagery is becoming darker and more thought provoking. Well... well done I guess. It'll never be the first album, and it comes close to as good as IDR. But, not yet.

In the end, Carver City is a really good album. It needs some tweeks... and it needs some eliminations. Long story short; CKY is growing on the back of Miller's songwriting, and it is now being allowed to do so with the advent of Margera's new found ability to be a jazz drummer in a metal band. I personally think their next album may be a masterpiece just as the first was. maybe not in the same boat, but definitely in the ocean... I just feel that the talent and new found ability need to mesh with the lyrics and message in a way where we can remember the first album. Those guys were as good as they were going to be at such a young age with lyrics to match. The lyrics have matured.. and so had the music... but I feel like those driving forces are running opposite of each other. Every once in a while they crash. And every once in a while they hit the same track and run together. Once Jess and Deron finally fall on the same track... I can only imagine it will be terrific. Or at least I can hope.

Recent News... And Why I don't Give a Shit

2009-06-29T08:23:00.000-07:00

Ok well first off, I am sure you were well aware that I had to write something about Michael Jackson. So let me get this one out of the way...

1. The Death of Michael Jackson : Firstly, I have to disagree with my colleague Jon on this one. There is no possible way this man was the greatest entertainer of all time. Elvis may not have had the pop craze that Jacko enjoyed, but Elvis' music made black rock and roll acceptable to white audiences. He influenced generations of musicians and to put it quite simply, without Elvis you wouldn't have had MJ. So Elvis supersedes him in musical importance. As a showman, Sinatra reigns supreme. Number of hits, longevity of career, the way his voice is considered the soundtrack to a generation (and not a compartmentalized generation - all listening to different music to show their individualism) movies, and his overall influence on the people of a country trumps Jacko's resume by light years. That 0ut of the way, I have to say I felt bad that I didn't feel bad when he died. He was around when I was a kid obviously and I remember him. I also remember thinking he was odd and that his music sucked. That being said, "Off The Wall" is a terrific album. There is no denying the man was talented, but the cons outweigh the pros here. I would also like to point out to my African American readers (if I have any) that this man is not an ambassador for you or for your race. He hated being black so much that he bleached his skin. Loving this man because he was your color once, for a brief time back in the day doesn't make him an icon. Also... and I mean this ; I believe that if you hurt, touch, molest or do anything to a child after making them drink "Jesus juice", you should be executed with a bottle of rubbing alcohol and nail clippers. That wipes out everything... wrote some good songs, danced like a maniac, ended up a freakish punchline for all the world to enjoy? Good. Touched a kid? Burn in fucking Hell. End of story. I have no patience or sympathy for pedophiles. I say burn down Neverland Ranch and salt the ground... it's a weird place anyway.

2. Health care Reform : I'm Pretty Positive Obama Has No Idea What He's Doing Now
That's what I want folks... politicians making my medical decisions for me. Nationalized health care... that's where he wants to head with this. What a joke. I like how democrats just want to give absolutely everything away for free, at the expense of the middle class to the point where the lazier people (and from looking around that's about 80% of the country) won't have to do a Goddamn thing one day and will be able to live quite comfortably. Bullshit. If the government can't get anything right, and sure as hell can't organize and execute their chosen offices and departments... what makes you think they'll be able to pull this off? Nationalized health care is stupid for alot of different reasons, but the one that really scares me ; is the fact that now your personal business will be EVERYONE'S business. Now if you're walking down the street, you have a small stake in everyone elses lives as they pass. "Hey buddy, put out that cigarette, I'm paying for your health care" - "Hey fatty lose some weight, I'm paying for your healthcare" - "Hey slutso stop sucking that guy off, I'm paying for your health care." And so on. It also gives the government free reign to ban all sorts of things. Imagine lowering your health care tax, by eliminating cancer research... by banning smoking! Lovely. I don't bring this specific point up because I'm a smoker... smoking is bad for you, no doubt about it, but this is a free fucking country that I am taxed to live in and at one time could have been drafted to go and die for. If I want to smoke, I am going to smoke. I am going to smoke, I am going to drink, I am going to go on roller coasters and go swimming and eat red meat and have sex with questionable women and here's the thing... if any of those activities that I participated in cause me to become ill or injured... I'll pay for it myself. I will not ask you to pay for it for me, nor will I expect you to. I am really starting to worry about the future of this country.

3. North Korea / Iran : One sick fuck wants missiles, ones got em. These two deranged assholes should get a timeshare together somewhere and let it be filmed. I know how to fix these problems people... ready? Drop a ton of porno, Budweiser, Jameson, Thomas Paine's Common Sense, Xbox's and Maxim Magazines by the ton into those countries. Let the youth see what they're missing and then when they get older they'll want it all the time. Iranian women are butt ugly from what I've seen and Korean women ain't much better (any attractive Iranian or Korean women who wish to prove me wrong can contact me through this blog and then come to my house and prove their beauty by blowing me) so I think American porn is just what the doctor ordered. I bet if we could convince Megan Fox to bang Kim Jong Ill (spelling?) and Ahmadinejadawhoositzmegalomaniacaljerkoff... there will be no more problems in either region. If that doesn't work I say we just let them do their thing. Take the leash off of Israel and let them turn Iran into a parking lot, and North Korea? Well I guess we're just gonna have to wipe you off the face of the planet and in your place build water slides and the like. That would be fucking awesome... a country completely made up of water slides. We could call it "Waterworld" and it wouldn't be half as confusing or aggravating as Kevin Costner's water opus.

So in the end, the country is on the brink of collapsing under our rookie President's best intentions, the North Koreans are threatening to wipe us off the map, the Iranians are being beaten and killed in the streets by the government because they are exercising their divine right to free speech, and all over the news... we are mourning the loss of a little boy touching punchline, a woman who made a career out of showing her nips through a shirt on a poster in the late seventies, and a guy who sold detergents on television. And you wonder why I'm so angry?

Dead Up, Yo: A Blog For The Morbidly Deceased

2009-06-28T20:04:00.000-07:00

Good Mourning, friends and well-wishers! Seeing all of my friends, peers and local laughingstocks tweet and Facebook stati (there's got to be a verb for the word status), everyone's got an uber "important" opinion on the recent slate of deaths. Since my words are not limited to 140 characters, here are some quick thoughts that I like to call, This Week In Celebrity Deaths:

Let's start in chronological order:

Ed McMahon - June 23, 2009
My dad told me about this one right as I was, as usual, running late to work. I grumbled, "Ah, no surprise." Harsh, yes, but Ed was old and lived a full life and career. One of the last times I saw him was briefly on some lousy Family Feud primetime special. The only reason I stopped at the channel was because I thought, "Shit, Ed McMahon looks bad." An 85 year old guy in a neck brace kind of drooling is not a sight for primetime television. It nearly broke my HD tuner. I pitied Ed till I found out how much back taxes he owed. Not even all those years on the Tonight Show, then Publisher's Clearing House and The Feud could save old Ed. Baby Boomers insist that the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson was great, I'm sure it was, but I was too young to care. I'm sure many, many (I hope) years from now when I tell my kid what a great man Andy Richter was, he or she or he-she won't care much either. I never did win that Publisher's Clearing House and met Ed McMahon or Dick Clark. R.I.P. Ed. Keep on truckin' Dick.

Farrah Fawchett - June 25, 2009
Another unsurprising one. A long battle with anal cancer, a fate best reserved for a person of Hitler-like proportions. I really don't have much to say on this one, I'm miffed that people I know that weren't even alive when Charlie's Angels was on the air, call her an 80's icon. Angels was canceled in 1980 and after that it was pretty much a supporting role in Cannonball Run....and a poster a LOT of young boys became men to (you know, slapping hand) in the 70's. In fact, it is the best selling pin-up poster of all time, selling 12 million copies. No other women could pose effortlessly seductive in 33 years??? A tribute to her hotness, although I never personally spanked it to that poster (and I'm NOT going to start now). Ryan O' Neal had plans to rewed Farrah when she was on her deathbed. Romantic? I guess, but then again there are some that see Natural Born Killers as a fantastic romantic romp. Expect Ryan O' Neal in some sort of TMZ-related mess in the near future.

Michael Jackson - June 25, 2009
A blog in itself. My personal focus group, which is social networking, has created two camps. One, which is he was a molester, fuck him. Two is he was the King of Pop, he entertained me. Truth be told, I was a big fan as a kid. I wore the one glove and danced around to his music. My mom even bought me a toy microphone, but I grew out of it. The problem with Michael, is that he never grew out of childhood. He was the ultimate Man-Child. Pedophilia is a terrible and frightening crime....yet I fall into the second camp that chooses to remember his wealth of music and entertainment value. Oh well to those kids and fuck their greedy parents too. MJ was the greatest showman of all time (fuck Elvis, a watered down "safe" choice for lame whites). Jacko didn't molest me and was a great entertainer. The bad is equal with the good, but the good says he was the greatest all around showman ever.

Billy Mays - June 28, 2009
While all of my peers posted about everyone else, I was among the first to post this one (I even included a picture in case you didn't know). Out of the other 3, why was this the only death I commented on publicly? Simply put, he was the only relevant one. The others were past their primes (even MJ, too much to comeback from), but Billy was a multi-millionaire (that means not in serious debt like Ed or Michael) and arguably the greatest pitchman of all time. He hocks cheesy titled products, but he also gave new inventors an opportunity to live their dreams. If you can sell a boatload of products this country doesn't really need, you are a success in my book. Boisterously hawking products to unsuspecting consumers on all hours of the day...maybe this is the American Dream these days? Billy did it better than them all and I look forward to Pitchmen on the Discovery Channel every week. The least famous, but most relevant will be missed.

It is sad to see people that we may have seen on our television screens through the years pass on, but to my peers with opinions, I didn't hear half as much talk when thousands died during Hurricane Katrina. Sorry they were not entertainers, pedophiles (as far as we know), talk show sidekicks, TV sluts and pitchmen. Get your GED, make your one comment and move the fuck on. Michael Jackson doesn't care what you think about him anymore now than when he was alive. It's over folks. Let's just hope the list of people celebrities and otherwise drying can stay low. R.I.P. to the deceased and a "Keep On Truckin'" to the rest.

-JF

Fuck Hope

2009-06-21T16:18:00.000-07:00

It's a strong title, but since this blog is a free-flowing one-sided conversation that regularly deals with mature subjects, I say on this Father's Day 2009, fuck hope. I also realize that my comrade Johnnyboy has dated a girl named Hope (better than a boy named Sue I suppose), I am not bashing her by any means Johnboy. I am bashing the idea of hope; perhaps what some feel is the "American Dream."

Why no hope? Well, honestly there is not all that much I believe in. Working hard certainly hasn't benefited the middle-class. Fuck, I did it. I usually refuse to associate myself with these lame affiliations we have been believed to hold sacred. I love many of the people I have met through the years, but I loathe that of which the associate themselves with mostly. I'd rather not be involved, cause a disagreement, war or something. I am particularly sick of political and social entertainers that always feel they have something important to say. I don't care for Jon Stewart and Steven Colbert (although I enjoy Bill Mahr's diverse forum from time to time). Political comedians seem to feel that things were once much better and with an ounce of effort, things could be much better and the way they were, you know the "good old days." Sure, I think they are talented and funny at what they do, but it gets tiring and they come off like catty girl scouts linked with wishful outcome and solution. It's bullshit.

George Carlin once said, "If you think there's a solution, then you are part of the problem." Amen, George. I concern myself with my own world. My friends, my family, women worthy of penetration and making money for selfish reasons (alcohol-fueled fun on the weekends, movies and "getting by" mostly). By not being emotionally attached to the outside world, my life has been much easier. Nothing I do is going to change the world for the better. I am not running for office, thus I have no reason to care.

Sure, I believe in a few things. I believe in limited happiness (mostly confined to orgasms, hearty laughter, chocolate chip cookies, alcohol & friends, but not necessarily altogether), some type of karmic God and love (along with mounds and mounds of toleration). Is this blog gloom and doom? No, I am a personal optimist. If I were a real cynic, I'd tell you everything is "gunna be alright." I'd bullshit you, but I don't do that, so fuck hope.

Since I started off mentioned Father's Day, it would only be proper to finish off by saying Happy Father's Day to my dad, Johnnyboy's dad, all the good dads out there and even the moms who do double duty thanks to deadbeat dad situations. Fuck those guys. Also, a small "fuck you" to the moms that picked out a real winner of a dad (a jail cornholder with a drug/drinking/murder problem) and put kids they weren't ready to have in a shitty situation. Thoughtless cunts. Anyway, Happy (good) Father's Day!!!

Things.... That I Fuckin Hate

2009-04-25T22:34:00.000-07:00

Ok so lists are a gimme now on this blog... but they work well and people seem to like them. Plus they're easy to write... so here goes yet another.

1. People Who Don't Text Back : I saw recently that there was a whole facebook group dedicated to this. Well fuck you guys too, I'm writing a whole paragraph on it. How lazy, or inconsiderate can you be? It takes about 30 seconds to write a text message. "Yo dude, you goin out tonight?"..... three hours pass by..... well either your friend isn't going out, theyre in jail, they're going out, but its with a girl you used to date, or their just lazy pieces of camelshit. How hard is it to use your thumbs to say, "No man sorry, call you soon"? It's tantamount to calling someone, they pick up and you say hello - and they don't answer. They just stay on the phone and breathe. Great, thank you. To all you soulless bastards and bitches who don't have the common decency to text back... I hope you are killed by a giant thumb.

2. Guys Who Always Want To Leave A Bar For A Different Bar : These are the guys who never get laid. There's no action here. The drinks are warm. This place sucks. I hate that guy. That bartender stiffed me. My ex girlfriend hangs out here. I've never met a girl here. I hate the music. It's too loud in here. Wait a minute.... that's actually me. Nevermind, you guys are awesome. Kings among men, and dick sizes that rival the Empire State Building in vertical splendor. God bless and keep you.

3. Girls Who Make Kissy Faces In Pictures : Awesome you can purse your lips! Congratulations, you have the same facial ability as Steven Hawking. What are you trying to say? That you have the ability to kiss? Excellent so does everyone. Are you blowing a kiss to whomever may be looking at your picture? Wonderful, so you're willing to kiss about a million people (if you post it on Fbook or Myspace). Well done, you're a whore. How about a nice smile? That always works. When was the last time a photographer said, "ok in three, two ... look like a guppie!:? It never happened and it never will.

4. Girls Who Religiously Get Pedicures : Sweet, your toenails are pink but your feet still smell like exactly what they are...a utilitarian appendage that sweats and not only sweats, but sweats in something as constricting as a sock. My favorite is the girl who goes out of her way to show them off. "I got my feet done today, aren't they pretty?" No they're not... they are deformed hands that sit at the bottom of a bulky arm that you have to shave. The worst are the ones who get little flowers, or designs on them. Do you think we can tell if your pedicure has a lotus blossom on it from where we stand?? At most it looks like someone fucked up your pedicure and you have a paint splotch on them... and you were too lazy to fix it. Here's and idea girls.. take that foot... and put it in a fucking shoe. I don't want to see your horny old toes.

5. People Who Like The Song, "Sweet Caroline" : Good times have never ever been near people who sing along to this song. Touching hands... touching you... killing myself with a gallon of canola oil. You will hear this song alot at the end of a night in college bars. People are so drunk that the chorus is easy enough that all you have to sing is, "oh oh oh." Rhodes scholars, the lot of you. You know what the best thing about Neil Diamond is? It's that he's 68, and has lived the life of a pop-star so he may die soon.

6. Guys Who Think Cologne Will Hide The Fact That They Didn't Shower That Day : Nothing like the sickly sweet smell of B.O. mixed with Cool Water to send a girl over the top with lust. They mine as well carry around a bag of horseshit with a Yankee Candle lit in the middle of it. Listen pal, we get it... you're lazy. I don't care, no one does... so stay at home, or take the 8 minutes it takes to shower out of your crowded schedule of masturbating and watching Antiques Roadshow and stop stinking up my night. Cool Water is pretty awesome though.

7. The Word, "Nigger" : Black men and women... what the hell are you thinking? Why would you EVER refer to anyone with a term that was used to humiliate and de-humanize your entire race? White guys, who because they have black friends think that they can get away with saying it are the worst. What a crock of shit. Try these words instead... bro, pal, dude, buddy, man, sister, brother, guy, chief, slick... etc...

I know I always say, "more to come"... but I will post more soon. Just very angry tonight.

The 80's

2009-03-23T21:00:00.000-07:00

Such an ambiguous title you may say. Where is he going with this? This post is going to upset my colleague Jondrama as he is a lover of the 80's... but man... the 80's sucked. OK OK OK, before you lose it... there were certain things in the 80's that didn't completely blow, but they were few and far between. Here goes yet another list. Things that sucked :

1. The style. Nothing like ridiculously big hair on girls or tight stone washed jeans with white high top sneakers. Face it, if you were walking down the street and saw someone with a mullet, or with big thick hair, wearing a white tee-shirt, black suspenders and jeans so white they mine as well just be painters paints, tucked up almost to the belly button, and a pair of white Reebok's at the bottom of this lovely ensemble, what would you say? I'll tell you what you'd say... "Oh my God, I hope the retard isn't the drooling type." And then you'd probably cross to the other side of the street. Be sure, there were some pretty gorgeous women who made it big in the 80's, but lets face it... if you're beautiful, you're beautiful. If you're somewhat decent looking, wearing clothes from the 80's will do nothing but hinder your attempt to get laid.

2. The Music. It's a punchline now. For all the good bands that found their way in the 80's i.e. U2, Tears for Fears, etc... there was a plethora of dog shit. There hasn't been a decade so vacant of musical quality since the year 50 A.D. When all you were able to listen to would have been the sound of lepers dying of sunstroke, with the back beat of rampant coughing from cholera outbreaks. It was that bad people. There are a few songs from the 80's that I'll sing along too whether it is alone in my car, or with my friends on a Friday night after a couple... but that's where the music ends. There is no lasting value and for that I guess we can be lucky.

3. Movies. Name one excellent movie from the 1980's and I'll name 5 that to this day make me fume over with anger. There are a few iconic movies from the 80's, and they're iconic for all the wrong reasons. The Breakfast Club - I wanted every kid in that library to die. The Big Chill - I wanted everyone in that house to die. Rain Man - I wanted everyone in that casino to die. Top Gun - I wanted everyone in that plane to die, and got lucky by getting to watch one crap out. Back To The Future - I wanted everyone in 1955 to die. I don't think I need to go on.

4. Television. Give me a fucking break... the Facts of Life - here's a fact, you're all a bunch of homely lesbians. Charles In Charge - of what, sucking dick... because if that's the case, you'll get no argument here. The Cosby Show - how many uncles and grandfathers did these kids have for fuck's sake? Major Dad - thank God for the first Gulf War because there was a chance the Major would be court martialed for trying to sell secrets to the Iraqis. Mr. Belvedere - nothing like a pretentious Brit flit around the t.v. for a half hour. Roseanne - look they're poor white trash! huh hulk, I's can sure relate! Night Court - forget it.

So there's just a short list of some of the reasons why the decade just sucked flat. From the awful pop culture to that lovely cocaine/crack explosion, it was unbelievably sub-par. You wanna know what the strange thing is though? After all that, the 80's have a soft spot in my heart, and also... it's been downhill ever since.

Johnstradamus : I Got Your End of the World, Right Here!

2009-03-02T16:58:00.000-08:00

I have been reading about this 12/12/12 crap for a while. Apparently the world is supposed to end, because the sun will be in line with the center of the Milky Way. Here's the thing folks.... GOOD! For it was spoken to me, Johnstradamus on this very night, 3/3/09, that I have; if thou most humble readers pleasest... the spoken word of the time keeper of the universe. A recounting of the revelation in the most humble prose:

Angel of Time : BEHOLD, for I am the angel of time... Roger.

Me: Roger?

Roger : Oh fuck yeah.

Me: Well... Roger.. what word from the sands of infinite future do you have for us?

Roger: Ok first off... forget this 12/12/12 B.S. It's gonna happen when the Earth crashes into some gay-ass meteor and everyone and everything is gonna be like.. "whooooooaaaa holy shit this is so fucked up!"

Me: When might that be Rog?

Roger: My name is Roger dipshit.

Me: Sorry dude.

Roger: Whatever, you're so fucked, and you have no idea. You humans have labored under the assumption that you have knowledge that goes far beyond that of God's. You have been "building" this world... and you're still working at it.

Me: But Roger, it's gonna be pretty ok, and it's gonna look pret... (Roger interrupts)

Roger: It's gonna look like shit bro!!

Me: I'm sorry?

Roger: Me too dude. Do you have any soda, or like seltzer? I don't want beer. I'll even take milk.

Me: I might have some root beer.

Roger: Oh fucking great, I can't wait until you all die.

Me: Alright ROGER... tell me something about the apocolypse... something that I can at least tell my friends.

Roger: Fine Johnstradamus... the heavens have collided and from Deidre'sbosom and her cool tears I am arrived. Here is the prophecy of the end of time. "You are so doomed. All of you. The environment? There's a whole galaxy out there you egotistical butt rangers. Ok, so, your world is what concerns you... You know what concerns us, up in heavean? The fact that you've bestowed coronation ceremonies on Donal Trump, Bill Maher, Anne Coulter and Stevie Ray Vaughan.

Me: But Stevie was ... (interrupted by a smack from Roger)

Roger: Stevie was what? A lame dirtdink who could cover Little Wing... woahhh boy... I could do that right now.

Me: No you couldn't.

Roger: Whatever can I fucking finish? Ok so yeah, you're all screwed. Time... which you made, will most definitely one day end. It wont be because of anything you did you egotistical assholes... It'll end because we said so. Get over yourselves and Dane Cook is the Antichrist.

I woke up hours later with the stale taste of cigarettes and whiskey in my mouth. I thought it was all a dream... until I picked up Word Up magazine and saw a picture of Biggie and Iggy Pop drinking piss out of an upturned tambourine. The end is time... not the other way around.

America's Obsession With The Oscars

2009-02-23T08:38:00.000-08:00

Well, it's all over folks... Oscars that is. We have to wait another year to watch a boring spectacle featuring the most unbelievably pretentious celebrities the earth has ever puked up. Sean Penn.... no one cares about your politics. He made a jab at protestors during his acceptance speech. How liberal and free is that! I guess in Penn's mind it is only acceptable to protest or yell loudly, or scream whole-heartedly when whatever you're screaming about is something that Penn agrees with. Moving on, it was just really fucking boring. Hugh Jackman... tried but fell far short of the mark. So what to do? Heckle! Without further ado, this is a full transcript of Jon and I ripping the awards apart via AIM.

Johnnyboy (10:06:46 PM): Apeshit, the new fragrance by Christopher Walken
jondrama (10:07:02 PM): why?
Johnnyboy (10:07:15 PM): why not?
jondrama (10:08:04 PM): i think Apeshit, a new fragrance by Glenn Danzig
Johnnyboy (10:08:06 PM): NICE, heath ledger just won the academy award
jondrama (10:08:59 PM): he looks different
Johnnyboy (10:09:18 PM): yeah, he looks kind of dead
jondrama (10:33:19 PM): Gee i really dont want to see this slumdog horseshit anymore
Johnnyboy (10:33:31 PM): youre watching too i see
Johnnyboy (10:33:42 PM): yeah im pretty done with wanting to see it
Johnnyboy (10:33:52 PM): this may be one of the worst academy awards ive ever seen
jondrama (10:34:02 PM): well you reeled me in for heat bars award
jondrama (10:34:11 PM): we need to see best actor
Johnnyboy (10:34:38 PM): that isnt until right before the end
jondrama (10:35:09 PM): i actually wanted to see nrost/fixin
Johnnyboy (10:35:14 PM): meh
Johnnyboy (10:35:22 PM): i dont want to see any of these awful movies
Johnnyboy (10:35:23 PM): milk?
jondrama (10:35:33 PM): i dont tolerate lactose
Johnnyboy (10:35:43 PM): the only reason that dude got any press was because he got whacked by a dude who blamed his insanity on junk food
jondrama (10:36:03 PM): who Michael Milk?
Johnnyboy (10:36:13 PM): haha
jondrama (10:36:40 PM): Milky Cabereha
Johnnyboy (10:36:49 PM): jerry lewis?
jondrama (10:36:53 PM): glavin
Johnnyboy (10:37:16 PM): i would so fuck heidi klum with my .... DICK!
jondrama (10:37:44 PM): jerry lewis is like us throwin a 4B tribute to paul w...whats the point
jondrama (10:37:50 PM): daddy wargs
jondrama (10:44:23 PM): i think jerry lewis has jerked off to a pciture of a child...@ least once
Johnnyboy (10:44:56 PM): even worse, i bet out there, there is a child that has jerked off to a picture of jerry lewis.... way more than once
jondrama (10:45:06 PM): guilty
jondrama (10:45:16 PM): i am right now
Johnnyboy (10:45:38 PM): who wrote the pizza boy sketch?guilty....
jondrama (10:45:54 PM): thats a good example of a great sketch
Johnnyboy (10:46:21 PM): jerry looked.... off
jondrama (10:46:34 PM): great now when lewis dies we gotta hear all this shit about it

jondrama (10:48:17 PM): i dont love him, but i respect that he was funny in his younger years
jondrama (10:48:27 PM): and he influence ppl i like
Johnnyboy (10:48:33 PM): i respect his body of work
jondrama (10:49:13 PM): i thought george carlin made better movies
Johnnyboy (10:49:23 PM): i thought everyone made better movies
jondrama (10:49:26 PM): bill and ted, jersey girl
Johnnyboy (10:50:12 PM): yeah but j lewis beat him by living longer
jondrama (10:50:24 PM): i dislike huge cocksmen (Hugh Jackman)
Johnnyboy719 (10:50:32 PM): hes terrible this year
jondrama (10:50:51 PM): i liked him better in 97
Johnnyboy (10:51:13 PM): i liketed him better when i didnt know he existed
jondrama (10:51:14 PM): defiance, shh

Johnnyboy (10:51:53 PM): youre right
Johnnyboy (10:52:51 PM): nominated for best song in a motion picture, Glenn Danzig, Art Garfunkel, Mos Def and Clint Eastwood.... Gran Torino
jondrama (10:54:04 PM): zac effron looks like a robot
Johnnyboy (10:54:30 PM): he looks like a young jared leto. i guess hollywood just keeps churning out jared leto look alikes
jondrama (10:55:29 PM): im sick of dogdick hundredair
Johnnyboy (10:55:46 PM): so am i
Johnnyboy (10:56:07 PM): after best song, you have actress actor, director, foreign film and best movie
Johnnyboy (10:56:14 PM): so at least the good shit will be coming up

(At this point a lavish performance of whatever Indian bullshit song was nominated from Slumcock Fuckstickair)

jondrama (10:56:31 PM): that is how the next xmas party should be
Johnnyboy (10:56:44 PM): like this song?
jondrama (10:56:56 PM): start planning
Johnnyboy (10:57:04 PM): why do i feel like this is the kinda song you hear right before the terrorists cut off your head?
jondrama (10:58:12 PM): i really dont love his music, but john legend is still better than most new r&b
jondrama (10:58:37 PM): he tries to be old school, but yes i know...
jondrama (10:58:47 PM): he should sit in the back of the bus
Johnnyboy (10:58:50 PM): i like the song from the blacksinger!
jondrama (10:59:17 PM): hahaha
Johnnyboy (10:59:23 PM): this is awful
jondrama (10:59:26 PM): did you see the drummer in the aisle
jondrama (10:59:45 PM): i wish i could do that at the oscars...
Johnnyboy (11:00:13 PM): i can just imagine my grandmothers reaction to this spectacle, shes watching it right now
jondrama (11:00:17 PM): but naked w/ only thre drums hiding my charlie browns
jondrama (11:00:42 PM): lot of dark meat on stage, cripes
Johnnyboy (11:01:13 PM): this is some bullshit

(A. Rahman and Some dude named S. Gulzar have just been announced as winners for best song, for Slumfuck Thousandair)

jondrama (11:01:18 PM): ghoulzar???
jondrama (11:01:24 PM): LOL
Johnnyboy (11:01:25 PM): YES GHOULZAR!!!
Johnnyboy (11:01:47 PM): sounds like a ghostbusters arch villain
jondrama (11:02:16 PM): hahaha
jondrama (11:02:23 PM): this is a disaster
Johnnyboy (11:03:36 PM): hey mom, dad, this is Ghoulzar, she and i are to be wed.
Johnnyboy (11:03:51 PM): it and i *

(An Asian man accepting for best foreign film has just captivated the audience by say "Sank ooo" about five times because he can't speak English.)

jondrama (11:07:56 PM): spoken like a true prodigy
Johnnyboy (11:08:11 PM): seinfeld four!!!
jondrama (11:08:25 PM): he always here
jondrama (11:08:44 PM): ah i hope mickey wins and thats it
Johnnyboy (11:09:11 PM): that and i hope meryl streep doesnt win anything, or that cunt anne hathaway
jondrama (11:11:39 PM): ill take mickey or richard jenkins from stealing harvard to win
jondrama (11:11:48 PM): or trapped in paradise
Johnnyboy (11:12:35 PM): little brooks should be up soon
Johnnyboy (11:12:42 PM): whitmore died like two weeks ago
jondrama (11:13:06 PM): jaws died?
Johnnyboy (11:13:13 PM): yeah, sad day for me
Johnnyboy (11:14:29 PM): ha
Johnnyboy (11:14:46 PM): alone on the bus
jondrama (11:14:50 PM): didnt chuck heston die a while ago
Johnnyboy (11:15:29 PM): they keep brining him up.... just so we dont fuckin forget

In the end... it was pretty bad. Sean Penn won because he played a gay guy, Kate Winslet won because she was in a movie about nazis, Slumdog Millionaire won because... well it was actually a pretty shitty year for movies. That being said, I'm looking forward to next year. Toodles movie fans!

Little Brooks

2009-02-15T19:30:00.000-08:00

With Oscar season upon us, one thing we can agree on this blog is that we all enjoy a good movie. Last year, I finally got to see The Shawshank Redemption. I mostly held out all of these years because it looked painfully long on cable, but once I saw it, I knew what so many others have been telling me all these years. It was just a great story. A scene in the movie that stayed with me is Brooks being released from prison after 50 years and having to adjust to the world as it was in the 1940s. There was a lot of change the world was going through and for those of you unfamilar check out the video around the 4:00 mark...

Now just imagine if someone were being released from prison trying to catch up with today's everchanging technology? It would drive them mad. With that said, I give my own little short story entitled Little Brooks

After being sentenced in 2001 at the wily age of 18, the now 26 year old Brooks Hatlen III is released from minimum security prison in the winter of 2009. Like his grandfather before him, he finds that life on the outside is quite different than the world he once knew. YouTube, Smartphones, Bluetooth, and googling are words that are quite foreign to this ripened civilian. This is a story of a man dealing with the maladjustment of his new life. This is a story of a man who feels the world has passed him by just like his grandfather once did. This is the story of Little Brooks.

Dear fellas,

“I can’t believe how fast things are moving in the unfathomable year of 2009. If the soaring prices of gasoline weren’t bothersome enough, cars that don’t even run on gas try to run me down now. I guess the world I once knew has a little less gas than it once did. I once saw a cable modem as a child, now they’re everywhere. The internet went and got itself in a big damn hurry. I can barely even Lycos or Ask Jeeves search anymore. Everyone wants me to “google”, but my hands hurt from typing the “Gs” and the “Os.” Sometimes after work I sit by my landline phone and wait for someone to call, but they never do. My once cherished VHS tapes have now been replaced with movies on compact discs and “blue rays.” My old friends back home now play Halo 3 on TVs bigger than a breadbox, but I’m too old for that nonsense. I barely played Halo 1. I don’t think they like me very much. I don’t like it here. The buildings are too big. I like pizza. I’m tired of being Twittered all the time and I’ve decided not to stay. I doubt they’ll kick up any fuss, not for an old dial-up connection like me.

P.S. Tell Little Heywood I’m sorry I put a knife to his balls. Just another day another dollar.”

-Little Brooks

I've been sitting on this silly idea for sketch for awhile now, I think it would be pretty funny, but we are a creative, yet fairly lazy bunch. With that said, Rest In Peace to the real man who played Brooks, James Whitmore and Rest In Peace to you, Little Brooks.

Books That Should Be Written

2009-02-05T19:35:00.000-08:00

I do loves me a good book. Problem is, theyre not easy to find. Sure anyone can grab a book off of some ponderous library book shelf, or buy something that catches their eye when theyre browsing through Borders or B&N, but that doesn't mean youre going to enjoy it. I can't tell you how many times I've bought a book and then realized two chapters into it that I would have been better giving a homeless guy 15 bucks to smack me in the face with his bottle of ripple. That being said, I still love books. What I am proposing, is that instead of writing a short synopsis of the book on the dust jacket, the authors themselves write it on the front, with big red letters, so we the consumers can decide if we want to read it or not. Without further ado... books I would love to read.

1. The Cold Summer
Sam, a dimwitted bus driver discovers the topsy turvy world of running a bus terminal after his boss is arrested for exposing himself to the President's prized Yorkshire Terrier. Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll... although Sam doesn't realize that the sex will be with men, and not consensual, the drugs are prescription and make him gassy, and the Rock and Roll is Coldplay.

2. Money Well
Roger is a guy who finds some cash on the street, and a bunch of shit happens to him. It's not that great, but it's only 162 pages so whaddya say?

3. Sarah Von Rattledink Goes To Washington
Sarah, the precocious cock-tease that works at that Starbucks near my kids' school goes to Washington and bangs everything in sight. In the book, we follow Sarah as she showers, shaves her legs slowly, wears next to nothing and goes to sleep everynight with whatever catches her fancy, man woman or beast. In the end she learns a little something about Government when she is forced to run for President by Old Mr. Mcgillicuddy, the cratchety old chimney sweep.

4. Punch Me! The Story of a Small, Smelly Dipshit
Walter smells like urine and maple syrup. He's also really short, and kind of fat. We follow Wally around as he gets the ever-living shit kicked out of him by bigger cooler guys. In the end he tries to kill himself by eating as many marshmallows as he can and washing them down with a bottle of bleach.

5. Abe's Boys
Abraham O'Connel is a bit of a grumpy old miser. He is constantly being bothered by the neighborhood kids' attempts to bring a little love and friendship into his life. Eventually the boys grow up and return to the old 'hood to see if Mr. O'Connel is still loveless and sad. They find that unfortunately he's sadder than ever. After a meeting with the local Priest, the boys decide it's their duty to show Abe that he is loved. They accomplish their mission by mentally torturing the shit out of him for a period of six straight days, until Abe decides that he better love something and soon, or these deranged fucks are gonna finish him off.

6. A Child Abuser Gets Sodomized In Half by a Horse
Needs no description.

7. Ring Around The Rosy
A young man is forced to come to terms with his own mortality after he smokes a joint laced with dogshit.

In the end these books will never be written. I can dream. More to come!

Generation Y Should I Give A Fuck?

2009-02-02T20:14:00.000-08:00

Before I go off on this bastardization of the English language, please let me preface. For those of you lucky enough to not be intimately familiar with “Generation Y,” Webster’s Dictionary defines it as:

Generation Y n. The generation following Generation X, especially people born in the United States and Canada from the early 1980s to the late 1990s. [Modeled on Generation X.]

Generation X was just a cool, somewhat mysterious way to name the post baby boomer era, the post “Father Knows Best” mentality. So I was born post Gen-X, during Reganomics, Wall Street yuppies, big hair metal days when Phil Collins ruled the world and a young Metallica was looking to destroy world as we knew it (you know before technology confused and scared them). A guy like He-Man kicked ass, Frankie said relax, Rocky IV ended the Cold War, early cell phone and video game technology was upon us and we weren’t having clip shows talking about this stuff, we were damn well living it. To me, the 1980s just plain rocked. I was too young to understand or concern myself with Regan’s politics. I didn’t care. I was growing up in an interesting time, discovering new technologies, contently laughing at cliché cartoons and sitcoms of the era. All right, AIDS and crack cocaine may have been a product of the time but I was too little to engage in hardcore drugs and sexual relations (would have been a really interesting first 7 years of my life though). Anyway all good chapters must come to an end and someone with a bullshit job just had to label our generation. Post Gen-X, how about Generation Y? Creative? Hardly. Bullshit? Indubitably.

My overall contempt of this term has come from my professional life (which I will not indulge any further in case Jon Drama and the man behind the keyboard get ousted). People nearly twice my age are telling me the “millennials” (another ricockulous term for Gen-Y) are the waaaave of the future and that I should be reading blogs to understand what my professional peers are up to. They tell me that I should be blogging (which I have been doing long before co-workers told me of the “fad”). I do this for fun and when I am old, married and slipping into senility, I can look back and see my thoughts of varying subjects and have a laugh and remind myself that I was once a witty, charming young man. Why would I want to talk about whatever I want, when I could find 5,000 different ways to talk about what Generation Y will do to “change the world.” As I said before, the people telling me to grasp these changes are twice my age, withered old dreamers of a bygone era and just don’t have a clue.

Sometimes my peers send me blogs to make me think about the changes this crazy world is undergoing. One of my co-workers knows my true feelings on Generation Y and sends me blogs to get me fired up so I can send a witty retort. Unsurprisingly, it works every time. My latest response was to a blog about Mobile Marketing And Generation Y. The bottom line is that our generation is annoyed with text message advertisements. I will not post “their” blog for sake of not creating a hassle, but here was my response:

“I actually just read this blog (I tend to have more free time up here) and it is utterly horrible. 514 words to simply say: Text advertisements aren’t effective. Period. It’s not a generational issue either. That’s another crock of shit. That is simply *****’s attempt to market and brand themselves (which has worked to a degree I guess). By doing this, aging people who think they are “up with the change” (here’s a hint his name rhymes with Crack) think they stumbled onto something revolutionary. Text message advertisements don’t work. Big shit. I think if my 90 year old grandma (bless her heart) had a cell phone, she would agree text messages selling a product suck balls. I think if I start a blog stating the painfully obvious, maybe I will get some unjustifiable respect. Here’s one:

Shitty Days Ahead: Why Generation Y Will Not Stand For 1-Ply Toilet Paper

Great! Throw it on Twitter. Twitter my balls I say. Twitter them indeed.”

For those of you unaware of what Twitter is, it is simply another social networking application that pretty much seems to function the same as Facebook’s status update. Fucking pointless. The more technology I have the more update to date I will be. Everyone’s status is awful too; for once I would just like to leave “Jon Drama is masturbating furiously before his date so he doesn’t blow a unctuous load on the off-chance the girl touches his dangle before night’s end.” Back to Generation Y, the blogs on the matter are obvious and redundant. Plus as much as it’s cool see know that my peers are “taking a stand” and attempting to carve out a niche for our era, where does all of this “advice” come from? Google, their parents, college professor, a “really neat” NPR podcast or just out of plain air? Its just plain subjective thinking at its finest marketed as key tips, “facts”, and various countdown lists that us youngens need to survive in today’s workplace. Who needs a book when you can just curl up with your laptop? Ugh, I love technology, but I still prefer a real book, a good newspaper and a phone conversation not inundated with text messages to get my point across. Since these Gen-Y blogs are so subjective, here is a top 10 list (!) of attention-grabbing, Gen-Y blog topics equally asinine:

Double Sided Dildos - The Future of Peer 2 Peer Networking…Today!
Today’s Pain In The Ass: Why Millennials Will Change Conventional Thinking About Anal Sex
Top Four Ways To Hide An Erection In The Office & Still Show How Horny You Are
Entrepreneur Or Korean Sex Trafficker? Does It Matter?
Why Swamp-ass Will Give You The Edge At The Company Picnic
How To Effectively Utilize A Bullwhip & A Bottle Of Gin In Today’s Workplace
Is It Better To Have A Raging Semi Or Stay Flaccid During Business After-hours?
Dildonic Delights: Plugging Up Estrogen Levels In The Millennial’s Workplace
How Showing Your Tits On Facebook Will Stimulate The Economy...and My Pants
Trim The Hedges or Scorch The Earth? Pubic Hair Grooming Tips For Young Professionals

Thanks for the tips Gen-Y, but if you are looking for real advice, here it is: live. Be young, make mistakes and learn from them. Live your fucking life. We are human. Fall on your ass and get up because tomorrow is a new day. So come back hungrier…or hornier, but live dammit, live.

"I pee sitting down." - Larry David

2009-01-28T22:14:00.000-08:00

And what's wrong with that? I for one pee sitting down. At home of course. Have you ever tried to sit on a toilet seat in a bar, school, place of work, the Vatican for that matter? It is an exercise in the truly disgusting. First off, sitting down when you pee, gentlemen, does NOT make you any less of a man. If during your visit to the tinkle fairy you are reading Better Homes and Gardens, you may want to take inventory of your masculinity. If you aren't reading, or for that matter are reading (something gung-ho, or masculine)... guess what; you are amongst the silent and comfortable army.

Should we stand when we pee at all times? Looking over our shoulders at that pile of clothes on the floor that never made it into the hamper, that pile which started out as a molehill and now rivals Pike's Peak in vertical splendour? Should we have to be uncomfortable when comfort is just a knee's bend away? The answer is plain and simple and for all of the homophobic, painfully obvious. Sit your ass down. How many times have you exposed your tubesteak in a valiant show of manhood with legs stiff and hands on hips, only to let loose with the stream of beer, or soda, or whiskey, or vodka or you name it, to then at once with a twinge of urgency, realize that if you had sat down you would have been able to carry this measure of humanity through it's perfect product? Well at that point of male negligence on account of our ridiculous, ingrained notions of masculinity, you would have to stop mid-stream, thus posing serious mental and physical pain to both of your brains. Had you been sitting, nature could have taken it's course in the boldest form of testosterone driven antics... the full on fart n' shit. There is a reason why we as men, still chuckle at fart jokes. We laugh because essentially they are one of the things that evens the playing field, and quietly reminds us that, no matter our social position, we are just as crude and base as the Queen of England. (Can't tell me that Lizzy don't rip... at her age)

Moving along, I find it pathetic that men would view something as basic and essential to the subsistence of an individual as the explusion of waste to sustain a somewhat healthy life, to have boundaries and battle lines. If you sit when you pee, "you're a homo." Great, will if I stand when I pee should I admire my own wang? Should I marvel at God's creation of the ultimate utilitarian limb? Give me a break. I'm standing when I could be sitting and trying not to hit the rim. If I am sitting.. I am trying to have the greatest non-sexual orgasm of the day. Humankind's best thoughts have been articulated whilst someone was sitting. Thomas Jefferson didn't write the Declaration of Independence when he was jogging, the Gettysburg Address wasn't written on a treadmill and the Constitution wasn't penned during a 5k. Those great minds who wrote those famous pieces of human emotion and reason were sitting, and pondering in comfort when they eloquently set down our country's greatest notions. Notions that have since become gospel to the populous.

In the end, I did not intend for this post to be lengthy or to proselytize at great lengths about the joys of a good sit down pee. I just want it to be known that there are men on the planet who do sit when they pee... born of greatness? Perhaps. Born of complete laziness? You bet your ass cochese... and who amongst us can't rally behind that standard?

This One Could Get A Little Racy

2009-01-28T17:20:00.001-08:00

I guess you knew this topic needed to be spoken about sooner or later and I really don’t know how funny this blog is going to be (its not trying to be mean, I swear). With MLK and Barack Obama’s inauguration fresh in our minds and hearts, I wanted to give my take on the age-old subject of race. Like Dr. King, I truly do want equality amongst the races. When black people (yes I DON’T say African American either, but I’ll get to that) attain a victory, be it small or momentous like Mr. Obama’s win, some cry, others are joyous and other rub it in everyone else’s face or worse yet riot. I just don’t get it. During black suppression or the 50s and 60s, I understand the Black Panther movement and the need to use aggressive action. Perhaps that’s all the younger baby boomers and Generation X knew. Why is it still continuing? I want to explore a few racial issues that I have seen in my years on the planet.

Prologue: I “Get” It
I suppose it would only be a bit more politically correct and authentic if I were to preface this. I am a young adult, half Italian, half Puerto Rican and very proud of both heritages. I love the NBA, rap music, James Brown, Motown, fried chicken (hey my nationalities are only associated with pasta and rice, so fuck off) and I’ve even gotten me some brown sugar a time or two (and plan on it again someday). It’s not an apology before the storm; I just want you to know where I’m coming from. In fact, historically I always befriend my Hispanic and black contingent in the workplace because I feel I can relate to them as I myself have always been raised to be racially accepting and for that matter, lower middle-class. “I can’t believe you know so much about hip-hop music!” “Wow, I didn’t know you liked basketball so much?” Even worse, “Jon, you’re alright for a white boy.” Who said I was bad? Why does the fact that I’m an okay guy or can relate to any minority yet alone black people seem so surprising? Larry David has been quoted as saying, “I nod to black people so they know I’m one of the good ones.” I feel as though I have to do the same still today. So I’m going to take a page out of his book, George Carlin’s and even George Lopez (yes he is an equal opportunists when it comes to race jokes in his stand-up), when I explore the pale fascination I have with black people.

Chapter 1: Not all contrasting races are xenophobic.
Yes, I know a white person might not hold the door or given you a dirty look while you were driving or walking, but that does not mean it is because of the color of your skin. Maybe it is because that person is an asshole, you were driving like a jerk, walking in the middle of moving traffic (many do it and it ALWAYS pisses any race off) or you are just plain ugly. But it’s okay there are plenty of ugly bloated, drunken Micks, Mexicans, Mexicants, greasy Dagos, dumb Pollocks, Swedes, Gooks, buffoonish Canadians and hook-nosed Jew bastards. My point is everybody of any race knows or has seen an ugly person. Maybe Garry White didn’t hold the door for LeShawn Black because he is a fucking asshole not a racist. People are assholes, not necessarily racists. I didn’t hold the door because I didn’t want to wait for the person to walk over to make it and Rosa Parks didn’t want to give up her seat. Why? Likely because we were both tired (did I just compare myself to Rosa Parks?). Just the other day I went to use the treadmill at my local gym, my only option were too jog next to a white guy or a black guy. I quickly glanced at both or them and they both caught me. Hey, I wanted to get an idea of who I would be jogging along side of for the next 30 minutes. In the end, I jogged next to the white guy. I think I saw the black guy give me a look that screamed, “Cause I’m black, huh.” I felt guilty for the next 0.0001 seconds. The black guy was going full speed with full sweat bouncing everywhere listening to “his shows” on the television. The white guy was quiet as a mouse, never distracted me once and left 5 minutes into my workout (hey, I was not offended). It’s a free country he could listen to whatever he wants and grunt to his heart’s content. That doesn’t mean I have to chill next to his sweaty ass, no matter what color he damn well is.

Chapter 2: The Politically Correct Way To Say “Black”
I never have nor will ever say African American. I say black. Black people say black, why can’t I? Then again they say nigga and I don’t (unless I am rapping along to a song in a car with whites or Hispanics), but what are you going to do? Elitist white people look at me funny when I say black. Listen up Tucker and Doreen, politically correct does not make up for the fact that you don’t want to be seen with “those people” or that you think Michael Buble (I say Bubbly) is the world’s greatest recording artist. I think Afro-American is just plain retarded too. All black people have afros then? My father (a white man, man) had an afro perm in the 70s, does that make him an Afro-American? It’s just retarded. That’s another word I think everyone should be able to use. Retarded. The PC way of saying retarded or slow is saying a person is mentally challenged. That’s what I say when referring to the mentally “troubled.” First those with problems way back when were called village idiots, then retarded, now mentally challenged. We can say idiots just fine, now retards (or wee-todds for you kids) should not be an issue. It’s just evolution of vocabulary slang. Anyway, black people have called me white (as I look too pale to be Puerto Rican to some, whatever) and I call them black. I call it being socially correct. To quote Zach Galifinakis, “I drank so much last night, I African Americaned out.” See we can be politically correct here too. So screw off, Tucker.

Chapter 3: Nappy Headed Media Hoes
So, do I think Don Imus was being racist when he called the women’s Rutgers basketball team “nappy headed hoes?” I’ve heard many of his shows through the years, so deep down he is just kind of a bigot who doesn’t know any better. Does that excuse him? Not really. Was I disappointed that he was taken off the air (he’s back but hidden in a station no one really gets)? Not really. It was a lame attempt at shock humor and any relevance the I-Man has had long since been fading. The people who brought him “to justice” were just bored and needed something to get riled up about (not unlike Johnnyboy said about liberals today). Howard Stern can get away with saying “racy” things because Robin is his trusted radio partner, has listeners of all races and is actually funny.

Michael Richards. His outburst was strange to everyone, which led to a media fixation around it. When Kramer enlisted the services of Jerry Seinfeld himself to help him apologize on David Letterman that was not good enough. His career was definitively over and Mr. Richards would now be known as Cosmo Kramer and the dude who is racist. That’s enough punishment for him to not leave the house during the day. Not for our racial media “leaders.” Al Sharpton has a perm and talks a lot; I don’t really care about him. My beef is with Jesse Jackson. Yes, the same Jesse Jackson who blew his political bid by calling New York Hymie Town. Then over 2 decades later, the United States is finally ready to embrace a black president, Jesse should lend his full support, right? Well if this is support, I don’t want to know what opposition is…

I understand. He didn’t know his mic was on and it was taken “out of context.” That’s where Kramer failed. He should have said the n-word when his mic was off by that way of thinking. They are both idiots, Jesse just has a better publicist. Cut my nuts off if I'm wrong, but i think this is why Obama distanced himself from the "great" Reverend.

So a “nappy headed ho” is not a good thing to be called, but I think the Jesse Jacksons and Al Sharptons of the world are something worse, media hoes (I prefer the word “whores” as it has stronger context). Enjoy your company as a media whore Jesse, right up there with Paris Hilton, Britney, K-Fed, The Beckhams, Fergie, Kim Kardashion and countless other fucks. To be a media whore, it is equal opportunity, regardless of race, religion, sexual orientation or gender. All you have to be is a douchebag looking for attention and a quick news story. Checkmate. Looking for real black leaders? Try Richard Pryor, Bill Cosby or even Warwick Dunn (an extremely charitable athlete) and many others. They pushed the boundaries of free speech, made us laugh, think and used their celebrity and fortune to benefit those who really needed it. Unlike some prick who preys on the ignorant to screw up and is bitter that he wasn’t president first.

Chapter 4: “We’ve Come A Long Way, Baby”
What makes this blog fun (or at least until we are taken down) is that Johnnyboy can write a blog about being a conservative Republican and regardless of what I say (I consider myself an indecisive moderate) I voted for Barack Obama. John has made some great points to deter the Obots, but the fact remains I voted for him and what’s done is done. I felt when I voted for him that a lower middle class young adult such as myself would have the best chance for a prosperous future. What happens from here is up in the air, but the fact is a black man is our president. It’s about time a higher standard has been set for minorities. After all of these years Jackie Robinson was a huge deal (and was for the time in baseball), but young people today can’t relate to that since segregation is almost a dead issue in sports (I’ll take a black guy as my quarterback if he is good and I could care less about hockey unless the Whalers come back). A lot of young inner city youth don’t even care about baseball (Real Sports will be the first to tell you) as Hispanics and even the Asian population seems to be gravitating towards the sport. So as gritty urban dramas and rap records have told us, there is either rapping, playing ball or hustling. That’s pretty much it for minorities in poverty. Well, adding president to that short list is definitely uplifting for those who think they don’t have a future. As my 90 year old gram put it, “He’s a very well spoke colored man. I would have voted for him.” Get over the fact that she said “colored” and pay attention to the fact that she would have voted (if she was in better health). She grew up in the Great Depression, World War II and the racial separation era. She says colored because that’s the era. The fact that a person at her age is accepting of the “change” (I’ll believe it when the economy is back on its feet) this country is undergoing; we really are making tremendous strides on that front.

Epilogue:
Have you ever been the only black person in a crew of preppy cracker asses? How about the only white guy in a crew of gangsta ass, well I better not say, type people. It can be awkward. Cultures are different. People are strange. Jeremy’s spoke in. Mama said knock you out. Punks jump up to get beat down. But we’re all living for the city, so big bang baby, don’t throw ya gunz, baby I need your loving sometimes it’s a cruel summer, we can all be a cult of personality, so put on your red shoes and dance the blues because dancing days are here again. After all, I’m on a plain, I can’t complain. So what does this mean for the contrasting races that make up this grand land of man and woo-man? As the late great George Carlin once said, “Make fuck not kill.” I think those are words we can all live by.

These have just been my views and if you stumbled on to this article, I hope you understand that I am an equal opportunist at calling out people on this forum. I feel I am a better person for talking about different races like I would my own. I understand there will always be racial sensitivity in some form, likely for the rest of my life. What if white was black and the history books been reversed? It’s a blog I dare not take to task, but The Pharcyde did in this video what is undoubtedly one of my favorite songs of all time and just a weird way to end this thing we call a weblog…

Welcome To Louder Than Bombs... "I would have blogged tonight, but I haven't got a stitch to wear."

2009-01-26T20:09:00.000-08:00

Welcome to Louder Than Bombs. Ahhh so much has changed in the ten hours since Jon and I decided to start our own blog. Out with the old, and in with the new. Just because the term, "hatred" is not in our blog's name... does not mean this is going to be a sunshiney love-fest. On the contrary dear reader, Jon and I are still quite angry. On behalf of Jon and myself, welcome and enjoy. Check frequently and keep your chin up kids.

A Thank You to The Democratic Party, From a Conservative Republican

2009-01-21T20:39:00.000-08:00

Firstly, I do not pretend to be a font of brilliant political thought. I read the National Review and I read the New York Times. To be fair, I read the latter because I believe it to be important to understand your opponent. I am not a racist, I am not a fascist, I am not a sexist, I am not a religious fundamentalist and I fall to the pro-choice side of the abortion issue. I am not a tobacco chewing, moonshine drankin' son of the Confederacy. On the contrary, I am a middle class white male from New England, and more specifically, the New York Metropolitan area. That being said, I would like to comment on how unbelievably ridiculous it is that I have to preface my post with all those facts about me just to dissuade you from the idea that because I am a Republican, I am Cletus the Slack Jawed Yokel, ya know... this guy...

My reason for wanting to thank the Democratic Party is quite simple. By electing a black president, you have unwittingly destroyed one of your most important rallying cries. What can you whine about now?

If we set the clock back to last year, we can see a completely different Democratic landscape. The mere fact that the DNC decided to push Obama past the Clinton political machine, (which rivals Tammany Hall) should have sent up red flags all over the place. Nevertheless, deals must have been made... ahem Mrs. Sec. of State. The Democrats were hell bent on running a black candidate, and because of that, I feel bad for Mr. Obama. They wanted desperately to look like the party of progress, the party of hope and the party of change. What better way to do that than throw a black American into the show. It is almost sickening, because when you boil down to it... yet again we see an instance of rich white people using a black man for their advantage. Way to go progressives, you set the bar high for being manipulative. The underlying damage they did to their ethos was the destruction of their most poignant socio-political point; the proclivity of Americans to be racists. There are a multitude of other issues that the left hold important and essential to their existence, but this one was their trump card.

If we look back to the fall of the Soviet Union, we see the death of the great Conservative cause... the end of European Communism and undeniable victory in the Cold War. Reagan took care of that with the help of Maggie Thatcher, the Pope.. and a crumbling Soviet economy. Nevertheless, Republicans seemed lost after that pivotal moment in world history. Small issues were then manically thrown into the forefront of our political thought as Republicans, and things such as prayer in school, gun laws, and abortion rights were given far too much attention. Attention that would have been aimed at ending the Cold War, and more importantly, winning it. If you lose every dime you've ever made in a fire, you will more than likely be hell bent on getting it back. You will put all of your effort into recovery. It may take years, and you will become accustomed to having to put a ton of effort into one aspect of your life. When you gain that fortune back... what do you do with the surplus energy? Undoubtedly, you will expend it on important yet somewhat petty things until people start to shy away from you because you tend to seem "manic" in their eyes. Republicans eventually found their way back to the Republicanism of the Roget's Dictionary definition and decided a return to the fundamental principle of Republicanism, which is, and has always been, personal freedom and state's rights, was the best course of action.

Now the Democrats face the same issue. Don't be surprised if you see the Congress and the President start to really make a full court press on the Global Warming issue, or an attempt to strengthen Roe v. Wade. Don't be alarmed if you hear the term, "affirmative action" again, and above all, keep your cool if your taxes seem a bit higher to fund entitlement programs. The kicker though, is that although these issues may seem a bit fresher because of the new administration, they have all been around and discussed ad nauseum for years. The Democrats will be doing alot of re-iterating in the next few years. This is partly due to the fact, that if "new" issues are in the forefront of the American media, which is fueled by the left, Americans will not forget, but have something else to talk about other than the fact that they no longer have retirement funds. They've lost their big gun with this historical election. Now, we just have to see what they return to and how hard they drive towards whatever new goal is popular amongst college professors and the mass-media.

I am going to end this post with this statement; I am an American and I support my president. I am proud of my country for coming so far and I wish Mr. Obama success, for no other fact than, I have to live here... and I would like it to be a pleasant experience. I don't agree with the man, and in all honesty I do not trust him fully. He's an Illinois politician, and the last Illinois politician that was trustworthy was Abe... and I'm not even a big fan of him. If you are a Republican reading this, take solace in the fact that the Democrats sustained a major blow to their backbone and if history is any judge, it will not be an easy road to recovery. As for now, wishing the president to do poorly would be like punching yourself in the groin. Why? You're only going to end up hurting yourself. It is nice to say, "I told you so" and I have no doubt we'll get to say it more than a few times before this administration is phased out, but it's nicer to say, "wow America is pretty damn ok." In the mean time, look into Bobby Jindal. Above all Conservatives, cheer up, the next election is going to be here before you know it.

Writer's Note: I do not use the term African-American, just as I do not refer to myself as an Irish-American. American is just fine with me, and should be with you.

Recipe..... for Greatness! : people who DON'T deserve props, but get them anyway

2009-01-19T15:24:00.000-08:00

There are alot of people out there who are treated like Gods when they should actually be treated like ... well like everyone else. So I guess I can start this list now... before I do, let me state that these are obviously just my humble opinions. Also, I would like to ad that I am smarter than you, so these opinions should be yours as well. If they are not, work on it.

Let me get this one out of the way....

1. Barack Obama

You really have to worry about the population of a country that decides God doesn't exist, so instead they'll worship a politician. I realize that this is history in the making. I realize that Obots from here to L.A. have been excited as hell since November. I also realized a couple weeks ago that during the Israeli incursion into Gaza, more people were talking about what kind of dog Bammers was going to get for his daughters than a Middle Eastern war. (The Middle East effects us... in case you haven't noticed.) Love him or hate him... I don't care. Lets let the guy have some time in office before we decide he's the greatest American president since George Washington. People seem to be forgetting the fact that black, white, red, brown, Democrat, Republican, Christian, Muslim... all of that doesn't matter, what matters is that after all of that, under all of those adjectives; he's a politician. We all know how honest and caring politicians are. The morons in this country who have decided that this junior senator from Illinois (the most corrupt state in the union) is the Messiah have better come to grips with reality, and soon. One man is not going to change the world, or the course of this country. We will ultimately be deciding in which direction we are heading. So just try this out Obots... listen to what he says from now until he's out of office, listen to it and think... and then decide if you want to be behind whatever he is saying. Don't just pop up because Barack said 'jump'. I know it's a difficult concept to wrap your head's around, but just give it a shot. Oh and by the way, he only got 52.9% percent of the vote. That means almost HALF of the country did not vote for him. Get over yourselves.

2. Joe Torre

I am a Yankee fan. So how could I possibly say this??? Easy, he didn't win the 96 World Series, handing the Yank's their first title in 18 years. Buck Showalter and Gene Michael did. That was Showalter's team boys and girls. Showalter got the boot after the 95 season and we got big Joe. We won!!! Then we won in 98, 99, and 2000.... the talent on those teams was at such a high level that anyone could have managed those man-gods into and through the Series. I can't tell you how many times I screamed at the television, at the radio, and in the stands at Joe to get off of his big fat ass and show some spirit, get pissed off, or take a pitcher out who had been giving up dinger after dinger. Yanks win in '04 if he hadn't put Mo in the game, and just let Gordon keep doing his thing. That was the moment I realized that not only did I think Torre was overrated, but that I actually, hated the man. After we axed him last year he went to the Dodgers as you may or may not know and took his team farther than the Yanks... here's the kicker ; it was actually Manny Ramirez who pulled that team into the playoffs. Once again that pudgy fruit got to ride someone else's coat-tails into the post season. Unbelievable. He sucks.

3. Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart... well where do I begin? First off, I don't trust, nor do I respect anyone who tries to hide the fact that they are Jewish. If you're Jewish be proud. Jon Stuart Leibowitz, you are an asshole. There's nothing more pathetic than a celebrity who thinks their opinions hold water with the American public. Bill Maher falls into this category as well. Apparently, a failed comedy career is a pre-requisite in the world of liberal, pseudo journalistic entertainment. "Couldn't hack it on the stand-up circuit huh? Well that's alright, just start talking politics. Don't know anything about politics huh? Well that's alright, you're non-threatening enough. Enjoy fame!" Every comedian has to have a quick wit, and good timing. Just because you may posses those two very fine traits, it doesn't mean you're intelligent. There are alot of people in this country who apparently confuse a quip, or a punchline with cogent, serious political thought. This doesn't surprise me though. It is easier to not care and just laugh at something than to actually learn about it and form your own opinion. Jon Leibowitz, you are a putz.

4. Bruce Springsteen

Bruce Springsteen... let's call him BS to save time, and I think it's also quite fitting. Where do I begin? He's definitely the most overrated clown in the music industry. His guitar playing is sloppy and uninspired. His voice sounds like a guy singing with a dil-doh jammed up his ass, and the fact that he considers himself the working man's ambassador makes him the most unbelievable douchebag on the planet. He had a couple of hits... and since the mid nineties he's just gotten pudgier and lamer. His albums and singles flop before they drop and he's become a punchline. I remember a time when if you mentioned the words, 'worthless, pompous, self-righteous, liberal, activist, musician, jackass and butthole' in the same sentence, whoever you were talking to would immediately chime in with, "Bono!" but alas, not anymore.... Congratulations BS, you are now the crowned king of the assholes.

This list could go on and on and I will add more installments one day... but it's time consuming and I'm tired. So here is a short list of people that I have no use for..

Joni Mitchell, Rosie O'Donnell, Jerry Seinfeld, Paul Mcartney, Jim Carey, Stephen Colbert, 50 Cent, Snoop Dogg, Courtney Love, Kevin Smith, The bands, Poison, Chicago, The Eagles, Guns n' Roses ... just way too many out there to put down right now. Give me a week.

“Honestly Dude…” An Editor’s Rebuttal

2009-01-14T19:42:00.000-08:00

Some had been said of Johnnyboy’s recent post. I happen to know said “Jon” in the previous article and while some of that post maybe true, I know that man to be loyal, hard-working and at the very least honest. I know the man who wrote the post to occasionally be the exact opposite of those traits. This is not a tear on Johnnyboy, it’s just an observation. Like the reporter that will make the interviewee seem like more of an jerk than they really are, this is my take, stance and overall reply to Johnnyboy, as this is his life.

Chapter 1: The Saying
“Honestly Dude…” A saying said on an extremely consistent basis by John, sometimes followed up by an obvious, yet blatant lie. Honestly dude, I know you really needed a ride back from purgatory, but I had to chop down a tree with my dad for random reason #543. He really said the tree part too. Honestly dude, Rick Black’s girlfriend sucks, Ray Riggiel is a creep, Khil Macobs is too loud, Don Moncento is a meanie head, Mete Feer is this, Malex Hudor is that… Man this guy kind of dislikes a lot of people. Honestly dude, I can’t make it out, I have a laundry list of things to do including laundry. Why don’t you not waste my phone minutes and say, “To be honest sir, I really don’t want to hang out where you are going.” Period. Honestly dude, some honesty would honestly be refreshing, dude. I totally vouch for the kid, though.

Chapter 2: “At Your Convenience Except Not At All”
John is the opposite of a convenience store. Come to his doorstep and maybe he will oblige you. “Hey man, what are you doing tonight?” he might ask. Well if you are not going to visit John in the closest allotted distance to his house, your conversation ends right there. Everywhere is too expensive for him and if we could hark back to gas prices from the 70s, it would still be too expensive for John. Oh, plus he’d have to leave his house just to get said gas. In fact a friend of his just had to move down literally within walking distance to see John on a regular basis, but we’ll get to that closet case in a little while. I totally vouch for the kid, though.

Chapter 3: When Life Gets A Bit Rough, Wear The Same Clothes
Some guys try to mix it up with a tie or a blazer like the asshole in the previous article, while others don’t have that option because they don’t have the money to do so. John-knee –boy on the other hand, just doesn’t feel like it. Don’t go with what works, go with what you know. “Not everyone at the same empty bar I go to saw me in my turquoise half-zip fleece with a cigarette burn from Kohl’s, let’s make sure they do.” Well, he’s not materialistic; I’ll give him that. I totally vouch for the kid, though.

Chapter 4:The Laziest Rev. Jim Jones or Bow To Me Faithfully
So why does John rarely leave his own backyard or as my old man says “become a gangster in your own neighborhood?” The answer is simple; he has his own 1 member fan club. For the sake of sakes and to produce at least some semblance of anonymity we’ll call this Cable Guy of a fan/friend Rayson Reiggiel. So no matter who never wants to hang out ever again, John has Raye to answer to his every whim. At the very least John never has to worry about losing a friend or fear that everyone will revolt against him because Rey will always be there. A long time ago, John was the life of the party, city, and southern Connecticut (the area not school). Hanging out with John meant that you stood a chance of getting laid (with a woman), you will meet random cool people, go to a party you never knew you wanted to attend and get drunk. It was like watching the original Caddyshack for the very first time, it was great. The past 3-5 years have played up like Caddyshack II. Some glimmer of promise and hope, but let’s face it, now you’ll get drunk, but only on his terms. The show’s over. Don’t tell that to Rhayson though. He still feels that ol Johnnyboy still gots it and it’s a matter of time before those happy days will be here again, henceforth will do whatever John asks of him. At least Barney Rubbel, Gillian, Sideshow Mel, Sideshow Bob and Chachi had some backbone and their own opinions/storylines. I guess having your own personal lackey by your side means at least one person thinks you are always right all of the time. Remember the scene in Boogie Nights where Philip Seymor Hoffman (or Philmore Hoffman for you drinkers out there) tries to kiss Mark Walberg. Our entire group of friends have been waiting for Raymore Hoffman to attack John Diggler any day now for years. (The similarities between John and Dirk end there too). I totally vouch for the kid, though.

Chapter 5: Fountain of Youth
John has managed to find the fountain of youth, but apparently you are a young college man if you go to school for your bachelor’s degree for over eight years. You don’t stop getting older because you continue to go to school. John I would encourage to respond to this, but you probably can’t because you are writing a term paper…but likely blowing it off (which is why you are still in school to begin with). I only graduated two years earlier (putting my lazy ass at nearly six years), so I can’t fault John at all. Besides, it’s not like he’s doing nothing with his life, simply waiting for some inheritance he doesn’t deserve. I totally vouch for the kid, though.

Aside from these factors, along with alcohol abuse, cigarette abuse, dirty cars and talking over people he’s a great friend. Strong family values, funny stories, natural charm when he wants to use it, the gift of the gab, intelligence and another random character trait that escapes me right now describe John very well. He is my friend and I can’t really conclude this positively, so I’ll end it on that, besides I just came from Black Rock myself and don’t feel like it. Happy New Year. Adios.

"Everyone plays the rules", Things I've Learned from My Friend Jon

2009-01-06T09:36:00.000-08:00

Well, What can you say about a guy who greets every serious question you ask him with the same face you see above? Actually, there is a great deal to be said. Let me start off by saying that this lovable bastard is a good friend of mine, in my top three without a doubt. That being said, and out of the way, he is a bit of an asshole. It's hard to say you grew up with someone without having a friendship tenure of at least ten years, and Jon and I are almost there, so for the purposes of this post, I will say that we grew up together. In many respects we did. High School, College and everything that goes along with it an along side of it. I think the true value of a friend is being able to observe the way you deal with situations, and then realize that what you are doing, or thinking, or saying is exactly what your friend would do. Without further ado.... some things I've learned from Jon.

1. Saying you're sorry should have an end result of the other person feeling bad.

It's easy to tell where this list is going to go from that first lesson. This is one lesson that I kind of already knew, but it was perfect in the personage of Jon. I have never gotten an apology from this kid that didn't end with, "but you know John, you did some pretty rotten ... etc..", or begin with, "I wouldn't have said what I said if you hadn't done _____ to me..". Saying sorry is a pain in the ass and a waste of time. Let's face it, if you do or say something that pisses someone off or hurts someone, even though you're "sorry", you said or did it anyway; which means at the time you wanted to say or do whatever you said or did. If you want to apologize, say that you're sorry for hurting the persons' feelings... leave it at that. Or you can take a page out of Jon's book... and make the person feel worse for asking for an apology in the first place. You can't be wrong if the other person is never right.

2. Every once in a while, wear a tie.

This is a very thought out approach to camouflage a life made up of complete misery, drunkenness, womanizing and theft with a little bit of class. I used to have a saying back in college, "never let 'em see the wizard." I used to use this expression when I was referring to girls and not letting them see the "real" you. I used to get alot of flack for that saying, and alot from Jon. He thought it was lame. Now, 5 years later, he's not saying it... he's fucking living it. There is no reason for this man to ever wear a tie, unless he is at a funeral, wedding or his inevitable arraignment, trial and sentencing. That being said... it looks good. Every man looks good in a tie, and theres no denying it. A tie says to all those who see the person, "this guy either has money, a decent job, or has a large inheritance." The cold truth is much different, but that's not the point. While you have that tie on, you're Don Draper, in real life... you're more like Don Carney; kinda funny, used to have an edge but now you're just fucking dead. That last analogy was not meant just for Jon, but for you, dear reader; you fucking hump.

3. If you're not successful, pretend.

I don't know much about what Jon does for a living. I have no idea what a day in the life of Jon at work is like but from what I can tell, it basically consists of making copies, discussing lunch options with "clients" and prank calling me. For the past few years, Jon has been "making moves", to quote the man himself. Not only has he been making moves, he's been smugly holding them over his friends' heads. A. if that is the case... the moves are baby steps as he is still in the same boat as the rest of us to one degree or another. B. He has made no moves whatsoever and leaves home in the morning and sits in libraries, coffee shops and museums until he can come home after a "long day's work." Either case, the man makes an interesting point. Who wants to be around a loser? If I told it like it was to everyone, I would only have a friend or two left. No one wants to hear the true story. Gussy that tale of woe and heartbreak up, and if possible, throw a nice job into the mix. I have no doubt that Jon will be a success one day, he is talented enough and intelligent enough; and if he doesn't... well, I want to say "good", but I can't do that. If he doesn't I'm sure one of us will bail him out. Won't be me though, I'll probably still be in school.

4. Always look on the bright side.

I did NOT learn this from Jon. Jon will always look at things in the worst way so that if they turn out good, it will be a pleasant surprise for him. He believes this to the point where at one time I was worried that he was contemplating suicide when he was actually excited about a date. Listen people, always look on the bright side of life. I believe that firmly because if we don't we will all become like Jon. The world has one J.A.F... and it doesn't need, nor could it survive another. If you don't know Jon, this won't make much sense, but to all of those who are reading this who do know the man... lemme guess, seconds ago when you read, "The world has one J.A.F... and it doesn't need, nor could it survive another..", you smiled to yourself, chuckled to yourself, cringed or whatever, but you fucking agreed.

5. Have a role model.

I'll finish this list off with this most important of points. I know Jon has some role models, in fact I'm pretty sure I could name a couple. But I think they suck, and this is my post, so I give you... Old Gil Gunderson. Jon and Gil are not alike really, but in a way parallels can be drawn. Look at that picture of up there and lets see, they both wear a tie, they both have desk jobs, they both keep bottles of antacids around, and they both have a defeatist attitude and low expectations all the time. Come to think of it, they're not only alike... they're the exact same person. Jon Gunderson. It sounds good. Having a role model will lead you in the right direction, and if it doesn't... in the words of the man I am honoring, "I could really care less, I have my own shit to deal with."

To be clear, this post is in no way an attack on Jon. It's an attack on you, and more importantly me. I have to be friends with this guy.

Happy New Year From Louder Than Bombs

2008-12-31T20:22:00.000-08:00

While I am sick as I type this, it is apparently clear that cold and flu season is upon us. As 2008 concludes, the one constant is shitty weather and runny noses. We need a formula that speaks to US for a cure. We need a syrup that is as gritty and old school as the weathered streets of Bridgeport, Connecticut. I give you a fresh face with a taste of yore, I give you Farmer Stinky John's Melikough Syrup...

That's right Louder Than Bomb's own Johnnyboy's first endorsed product! Honestly dude, I can't wait to get me some pessimistic goodness from Garden Terrace (a subsidiary of the Gillman Group).

Side effects may include: upset stomach, dirty jackets, musty living, black lung, erections lasting less than 32 seconds, whiskey dick, more bills, an angry wang and extreme bouts of laziness well after symptoms subside.

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

2008-12-22T15:59:00.000-08:00

“What’s your favorite show?” “I don’t have time to watch television.” First of all, you are a fucking liar. Everybody squeezes in their share of hours on the tube, at the very least weekly. If you are too busy eating tofu and trying not to break your own neck (as you try to suck your own dick), then surely your wi-fi connection at Starfucks on your Macbook Air, you watch Hulu or any number of online webcasts. My point is everyone watches television. Everyone also has to deal with commercials that come with this form of entertainment. We always will, you have to pay the bills somehow. Back in the day, be it cars, beer, food, toys and household products that dominated these 4 minute breaks. Now, even during a damn NFL game, I see commercials for pills and other medications. Whether it is acid reflux (motherfucking check on that) or trying to pop a boner (check in 10-30 years or when I’m way too drunk), these commercials are rampant. Then I see these anti-depressant commercials, ah I don’t need pills to make me happy (Although other staff here would beg to differ). That’s what booze are for. But those commercials make a fair point. However, I am more of a natural high type of guy. I hate working out, but I like the feeling I get when I lose a couple of pounds and avoid growing a nice rack of man-boobs for another few years. I like the smell of fresh baked cookies or a mid-day nap. But then again there are some things I like that I can’t necessarily talk about at lunch with my co-workers, so here it is a list of things that make me happy. A long few years ago, a big Yale offensive lineman in a drunken rage told my father that I am an asshole. He then stared me down, with a frozen pizza box in hand and uttered these words, “Jon, you are a miserable bastard and are going to die alone.” He then threw the pizza box at my beloved Lazy Boy chair. I then thought to myself, “Well, I can barely share a queen size bed with a lady, much less a casket.” While that man still holds a lifelong grudge against me, I am really not that bad of a guy. I’m not that miserable, but what is being happy? I’ll tell you what happy is…

Getting a blowjob without having to return the favor. Don’t get me wrong if the maincourse is just of the oral consent, I don’t mind going down on a fresh, nubile vagina. In fact, I’ve repeatedly been told that I am a champ at it (it can be a hairy situation at times though). Sometimes after a long day it just hurts my neck and I don’t feel like it. If the girl doesn’t care (or I don’t care about her) I’ll take a benevolent blowjob any day of the week. I know what you’re thinking: penetrating is great (and it is!), but there are days (specifically lazy Sundays) where I’ll just as well take that blowjob and get off just as much. You know what got me off the most? The fact that I contributed absolutely nothing to the cause…oh yeah and her mouth. Next...

Taking a big, old fashioned dump. Oh I just did one, which is making me write this post. So as I’ve alluded to earlier, I have an acid reflux issue and yes it sucks. The short end of the story is that I oft take shits. Some messy, some refreshingly quick, some after drinking beer (the uglies). Every now and again there will be the perfect dump. It’s hard to explain, but I’ll try. There was a time several years ago when I took Imodium…in massive amounts. I was on vacation and with my stomach problems mounting, I wasn’t going to let anything stop me from letting loose, pun intended. I guess I got Imodium confused with Tums and Gas-X and didn’t take a shit for nearly five days. Five days of burgers, fries, milkshakes, cookies, chips, beer, hard alcohol, soft alcohol, chicken wings, pizza and late night bags of greasy chips and other unhealthy garbage all sitting in my stomach. After three days, I embarrassingly told a buddy about this problem. Was it a change in scenery? Were my stomach and asshole on non-speaking terms? He bluntly explained just what Imodium does so now I play the waiting game and have to stew in my poopy juices. Well the waiting game concluded once I returned from my vacation…at work. Relieved, I went…and went. It might have been a Guinness Book record. I even took a picture of it to share with my co-workers. Now I know what it feels like to give birth to a little shit of a child.

Eating enough raw cookie dough to give me a stomachache. Actually that one is pretty straight forward, it’s just delicious.

Imitating a friend’s voice…until he or she wants to physically harm you. So I have a small talent, or so I’ve been told that I can imitate some people pretty well. We all know it is an extrapolation of how the imitatee acts, but it’s not always seen that way. I’ve been told imitation is the best form of flattery, so I view my imitations as just that. If I really hated someone’s guts, why would I have put the time in to do an imitation in the first place? When people are drunk or angry…or both, they often tell you how they feel about you without pulling any punches. Some is said at merely the heat of the moment and should not be taken seriously at sober, less raging, happier times. The same goes for an imitation. Once you discover funny words to say as an imitator, you test it out in the car, then in front of a friend, then a group of friends, then a bar, all while doing this behind the imitatee’s back (especially if it is a dead-on imitation). Eventually, this becomes a cycle of life for you and your group of friends. You get ready to go out, get in your car, buy the beer, get drunk and do the imitation. After a period of time, you start to do the voice (usually in a very sly manner) in front of the person you are imitating. Sometimes, the person will recognize this and say, “Hey is that me!?! Haha, that’s pretty good.” In a perfect world, said person would even embrace it to the point where, it grows old and runs its course. Most of my friends, however, are the ones that will tell me my faults and quirks. Tell me how I don’t know when enough is enough, tell me how drunk I got last night and tell me about the regrettable women I’ve pleasured or displeasured. Out of all of my friends, I will be the first to admit that my tongue is way to sharp for its own good. I can break a person down to a point where their only riposte is physical harm towards me. Good comeback. Where was I going with this?

Retro video games, hanging out with my nieces and nephew (because they are more interesting to talk to rather than the miserable adults in the family), sex in which the woman lets me really have my way, a great meal of Italian or Spanish food, the first date with a chick I actually might like, money, gigantic HDTVs, refreshingly pleasing customer service, watching a great flick, stupid viral clips, the perfect haircut, knowing I have the drive to be more successful than most of my friends, discovering a great band’s catalog for the first time, being pleasantly surprised (by an unsuspecting movie/CD), a great sports game, the feeling you get from drinking right in between the buzz and being too drunk, buying gadgets/movies I don’t really need and laughing so hard it hurts are other less detailed things that place me in high spirits. Overall, I am not very difficult to please. A big flaw, at least in the eyes of people that think they know me, is that I love to laugh. Sometimes at what, is questionable. The bottom line, is while you are breaking down my character in your head while angrily crying yourself to sleep listening to Papa Roach’s Last Resort, I am having a rough time sleeping as well, but only because my 50 inch television gives off a ton of light. The truth of it all is this: I’m better than you and during this ecomonic crisis some extra money can in fact buy happiness. Just remember kids, a laugh at someone else's expense, exhilarating dumps and blowjobs (if you apply yourself) are free and great. So be a jerk, take a shit and whip it out life is too short (just not in my direction).

Embracing Economic Collapse

2008-09-29T11:37:00.000-07:00

I think its fucking great. I just read that the bail-out plan posed by Congress has been shot down, and I for one almost blew my load. I bet by tonight or by the end of the week, they'll have passed something which will bail out Wall Street, and save the country blah blah blah... but as for right now, I can be happy. Buying up the bad debt in this country is paramount to becoming socialists. Couldn't afford a 2 million dollar mcmansion but took out a mortgage you wouldn't be able to pay off anyway? Then FUCK YOU, welcome to the trailer park.

The people who are going to be hurt by this, or more importantly the only people that I give a shit about in this instance, are the middle class Americans who are going to see their 401 K's etc. raped by this. That reason alone should be enough to send those Wall Street cocksuckers to jail for life. Greed corrupts, and we all know that, but now we can actually see it. I am grinning from ear to ear just contemplating the clenched fisted anxiety and panic that the "upper crust" are feeling right now.

I say fuck em. Get together in groups, if you're retirement plans, or your hard earned money has been negatively effected by this, and go storm the Country Clubs. Burn them down, sink the boats at the yacht clubs, slash tires on Mercedes, throw dog shit at mansions, and when you see a guy walking down the street wearing shoes that are worth more than you make in two weeks, beat the ever living shit out of him and shove his shoes up his ass. Man it feels good to watch them cringe.

(I am in no way advocating violence, destruction of property or vandalism... If you feel the need to engage in such activities, enjoy prison.)

The Olympics... Give Me a %@%$!#& Break

2008-08-25T11:36:00.000-07:00

Alright the Olympics are over, and fat-assed house wives from the mid-west and the elderly are crying in their porridge. I for one, am happy. The Olympics are the biggest, most hyped-up bullshit collection of sporting events around today. Does anyone really care? Maybe Jamaicans and Estonians but as Americans, we have entertaining sports to watch. Most Americans who watched the Olympics watched the U.S. basketball team and Michael Phelps... do you know who those Americans were?? Answer : American basketball fans and people who enjoy watching a good freakshow. Michael Phelps is a double jointed, stubby legged, calorie slurping troglodyte who resembles Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel from the Simpsons. Retard strength at its finest. Who knows, maybe the clown was born in Atlantis.
I would respect, and maybe even watch the Olympics if they were played every four years, in Greece, and only if the sports were classic and period. Discus, Javelin, Running, Wrestling..... the real shit. I doubt the original Olympians had synchronized diving, BMX'ing or ping pong in their plans. Shit, I bet if you had proposed one of those "hobbies" to the original Olympians, they would probably have given you a quizzical look and then skewered your beer gut on a spear. (Due to the fact that they wouldn't have any idea what a BMX was, and you probably wouldn't be speaking ancient Greek.) Alas, 'ti's not to be. We're stuck with a bunch of bullshit sports that no one gives a shit about.
Running. Theres a fucking joke. Every race some lanky Jamaican or Nigerian wins. I don't even know why white guys try. Lets face it folks, they're running either in a straight line, or a big loop. Wow, what athletes. How 'bout next time around, the crowd can throw things at the runners, or even try to tackle them. Snipers should be dispatched all around the arena and every once in a while a runaway car should make an appearance on the track. Lets see you outrun a .556 Usain. I say fill the pools with salt water and aggressive sharks. If you can swim fast, great... now lets see if you can outrun Jaws, Michael.. my bet is you can't.
That IOC (International Olympic Committee) is a waste of time. What a great beacon of sports and sportsmanship. Allow blatant cheating when it comes to an athlete from the host country, and then on top of that, allow the whole damn thing to take place in a communist country that has been systematically destroying the spirit of not only it's own people, but the people of an oppressed country called... oh... Tibet for years. Justice and sport for all! If Michael Phelps had any class, or any sort of real American Patriotism, he would take his medals and return them to the committee. Or ask that the gold be melted down and the money sent to a family in Tibet. All the American athletes should. Would they accept medals from Iran, or Syria? Same thing people. Just goes to show that the Olympic spirit of thousands of years ago is dead and gone.
At least the shitshow known as the Olympics is over, and I don't have to hear about it for another four years. Just knowing that it's coming back though is enough to make my blood boil. If that wasn't bad enough... the Winter Olympics are coming up... I think. Great. The ancient Greek tradition of ski-jumping and bobsledding will live on for years to come. I think I'm going to be sick.

No Hatred Tonight... G'bye To a Great Yankee

2008-07-12T22:44:00.000-07:00

Two R.I.P posts on a blog created for laughs seems a bit much. Sorry kids, Jondrama, Phil and I are Yankee fans. Adios Bobby Murcer.

He never won a ring with the Yanks. He played his ass off though. Batted a career .277 with 252 homers and 1,043 RBI's. Not too shabby. As a Yankee fan who began his journey through the wonder of the pinstripes during the 80's, I missed his time on the squad. He played his last year the year I was born though, so I feel that I was around for the Murcer years. I knew of Murcer through his wonderful commentary. His back woods, small town, hicky slang mingled with and burned in the bright lights of the big apple. The kid from Oklahoma was more a New Yorker than half of the guys on the grand squad from the Bronx these days. He bled baseball, and more importantly, he bled pinstripes. Love the Yanks or hate them, no one can say they didn't have a soft spot in their hearts for Bobby.

Allen is a story we hear from our grandparents, Rizzuto is a fond memory, Sterling is a great alternative to watching the Bombers on the tube, and Bobby is a player/announcer Yankee legend. From his, "doggoneit's" to his, "that's a fine play right there" and finally to his, "ahhh, well... that's baseball" s <----if you know that one, you're a Yankee fan.. we are going to miss Bobby and his re-assuring voice. On the field, the scrappy outfielder never said die, and against cancer, he fought it tooth and nail, but even legends are human beings. Bobby, we hope you're in a better place, playing ball on perfect green fields, catching balls on great hops in short center, giving you great chances at nailing the opposition's speedster at the plate. We're going to miss your voice, your presence and your love for the game, and for the pinstripes. Rest in peace Bobby... have a round with Gherig, Ruth, DiMaggio and Mantle on us down here. I for one can't wait to meet you one day.

R. I. P Bobby Murcer

NYY 1965-1974 1979-1983

A Few Reasons Why I'm Better Than You

2008-07-01T18:53:00.000-07:00

I've decided to put down a few of the reasons why I am superior to you, dear reader. I could go on for volumes on the topic but I simply do not have the time. So here are a few...

1. My Voice
I have the kind of voice that makes James Earl Jones sound like a cub scout. No matter how many cigarettes you smoke, how many times you scream until your throat is sore and red... you will never have the same velvety, masculine tone that I can pull out at a moments notice. Rupert Murdock actually asked me never to go into radio, as this move would destroy his Fox Network and T.V. in general. One time a girl sucked my dick in front of her parents just because of the way I said, "I really dig your shoes."

2. Intelligence
Don't even try it mongo, I am smarter than you. Sometimes I find it hard to date because of the inevitable feeling, of being unworthy to wipe my ass, women feel when they, "pick my brain." I can make someone feel stupid in seconds by ripping apart their deepest and most secure dreams and aspirations. Plainly put, I make people want to kill themselves because they know they'll never reach my level mentally. You'd think, that this kind of belief would inspire someone to increase their level of intelligence, but you're wrong. Because you're stupid.

3. Sexual Prowess
Oh yeah, that's right. Every move you've ever put on a partner, fails in comparison to the lamest moves in my vast repertoire. While you're struggling to slip your greasy finger into some co-ed's pants, I am gently setting the mood by lighting incenses from the fairest regions of the mysterious Orient.. while you're trying to unbutton your button fly pants ( yeah you're probably one of those losers who wears button fly ) I am hand feeding my conquest fresh cherrystone's on the half shell with drawn truffle butter. While you're feebly humping away at Krystal, or Sharice, or whatever your pathetic target's name is, I am holding back my orgasm with ancient tantric pelvic restriction methods, whilst taking my conquest to new levels of ecstasy while my horse-cock does a calisthenics routine three feet deep in her snatch. Have you ever heard a woman you've JUST met say, "by everything holy in this universe I pray that you got me pregnant."? No you haven't, and you never will. I hear it two, three times a week.

4. I Never Lose Fights
Oh sure, I bet you've won a fight or two.... but have you won them all? Nope. Well guess what, I have. I carry a large caliber hand-gun. No one is going to beat me in a bar fight, road rage incident or anything which may lead to fisticuffs. You know what I call fisticuffs? 'Pulloutmygunicuffs'. I would fight Kimbo, Tyson, or any of those UFC fuckers, and I'd win ; because the night before the fight I would sneak into their homes and shoot them. Cowardly? Sure, but I'm alive, you're dead, I win.

There will be more soon my friends, but right now I need to rest my superior brain and jerk off with my bigger more powerful hands and wang.

The Funniest Grandpa I Ever Knew

2008-06-23T19:23:00.000-07:00

I never really knew my grandfathers. On my Italian side, my grandfather was your traditional hard worker that made sure he put food on the table for his family. He seemed like a great man, but died ten years before I was born. On my Puerto Rican side, my grandfather lived on the island, while I lived here in the states. He seemed like a fun-loving, great guy, but passed away when I was five, so I never really got to know him and my memories of him are pleasant, but limited. Where am I going with this? When I have kids and they have kids, I guess my days are numbered.

So where does an impressionable young boy go to find a grandfather-like figure? Many, many years ago our family received (by accident and illegally) HBO. Sure there were your new movies as always on Saturday nights, but on rare occasions (even rarer today) they would have stand-up comedian preform. As a young kid, I saw this mean looking man with a white beard and ponytail, dressed in all black standing alone on stage making people laugh by saying bad words. He cursed, made funny faces, acted animated, and made my brother and father laugh. Most importantly, there was some push back on my mom’s part with me watching it, so I knew I absolutely had to. I was memorized. I didn’t even know what I was laughing at most of the time, but it was never forced laughter. It was George Carlin. He could tell you about the state of the economy, question religion, present some observational ramblings, then crack a few fart jokes. That what I loved about Carlin. He was never above what makes us all laugh (even if we think we are too old for it) with the most intelligent things a mortal man would never think of or the simplest things in life that we take for granted. He challenged and pushed the boundaries of free speech, makes no apologies and made it look easy. Comedians like Carlin don’t grow old and die, they become legends and pioneers. If my family, friends, colleagues, associates, romantic interests, and co-workers have wondered why I complain, make off-the cuff remarks, say things that others are afraid to say, make inappropriate jokes, and question “the system”? It’s because I probably listened to too many George Carlin records in my time and have tried to emulate his style, sometimes knowingly, often unknowingly. I write on this blog and feel like an asshole-weirdo with some of the absurd things I say. Why do I say these things? Why do I think these things? Am I insane? Am I adopted? Am I drunk? (yes, no, and most of the time). About a month ago, I listened to some of my old Carlin CDs and realized one thing: he did it first. I no longer felt alone. He set the standard and all I can do is follow in footsteps, as only this patriarch and grandfather of comedy can do.

On the subject of George Carlin, I wrote a blog a couple of months ago after listening to a few his CDs. I got inspired and wrote this blog, which is angry, weird, and absurd. In the vein of (but not as good as, hey I’m not a professional, fuck off) George Carlin, here is…

Thinking Wilde

"Quotation is a serviceable substitute for wit." Oscar Wilde

Oscar Wilde said that. Nothing more wilde has ever been so true (although that dude was a freak). Truth be told, be it written, printed, AIM away message (more on that here), or Facebook, a lot of people quote. Why? Some people want to be holistic (The Bible), some people want to be clever (insert comedian here), and some people want to get punched in the face (Paris Hilton or random whore here). Frankly, we have all quoted someone’s brain droppings at some point because we ourselves have nothing overly creative to say. Even in high school, we sum up the accumulation of 4 years (or more) by inserting a quote in our senior yearbook. I never did that, though. While my peers were quoting Steely Dan, The Bible, and Positive K (I got a man), I had zilch under my name. In hindsight, I deeply regret it. In further hindsight, I don’t at all, but in the furthest hindsight, I kind of do again. My biggest initial obstacle in failing to choose a person to quote was making sure another classmate (especially one I loathed) hadn’t already chosen the quote I likely had my probably bloodshot (I don’t remember) eyes on. I always wanted to quote someone that has never been quoted before. My choice today would have to be George Carlin. Although he is a quotable fellow that had been cited a ton of times, I recall George on stage one night pondering a sentence that had never been uttered by another human being…ever. It had to be first-rate and completely outlandish. He then came up with, “As soon as I pull this hot poker out of my ass, I’m going to chop my dick off!!” Carlin was the first ever to string those bizarre words together (I hope at least). Has that ever been quoted, in a yearbook no less? I think not.

As seen here at the 1:16 mark:

Ok, so that one is a bit extreme. I have actually seen the quote "Make love, not war" in a yearbook. While I thought that was cliche, George Carlin actually wished he was the man that created it. He didn't, so he offered up this one: "Make fuck, not kill." We have a winner, teach. It’s great to be the first. I can’t wait for that 10 year reunion coming up. So with the way technology changes, the way we can “quote” changes as well. For those of us who are too money for reading, you can watch videos online instead. Dig this, daddio, you can embed (or “put in” for you normals) videos into your own website text or Blogger account (that’s us!). I like that word embed, it’s a classy way of saying rape. That would make the news less nauseating. While we have the sentence “Serial killer Prance Hartfeld raped this latest victim”, the word “embed” and some additional synonyms could change that. Entertainment in installments eradicator Slick Prance Hartfeld embedded his swinebeast in his least tardy chicky-poo that was askin’ for it. Okay, that’s appalling. Admittedly, I’ve raped YouTube videos onto this blog. Our own Blogger Phil even tried serial rape his way into becoming the unofficial poster-boy for HULU. What better way to be original than show a video someone else made (several years ago at that). I digress, I suppose I never really cared what my peers thought of my in high school. In fact, a Carlin quote I always used for my AIM profile (talk about hypocritical) was "People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think. " Anyway, back to my yearbook quote, I wonder what that quote would look like had I been on our crack yearbook staff…..

In any case, thanks, George. You will be greatly missed by this asshole. Let us know if God is anything like Joe Pesci like you wanted. Rest in Peace, you will not be forgotten.

Saying Goodbye To the King... R.I.P George Carlin

2008-06-23T18:46:00.000-07:00

The world of bitching lost it's greatest ambassador today. Rest In Peace, George Carlin. From rants ranging from tongue-in-cheek to true on hate... we are going to miss his gruff voice, his ratty goatee, and his stance on well, everything. JonDrama is planning a tribute post in the man's honor and I am sure that it will not disappoint, but I felt it proper, that this blog should put up a post on the date of his passing. Thanks for the years of hilarity, the way he made us think about things we took as fact and the escape from social bullshit that he offered. I'd say, "he's with God now", but he'd probably call me a schmuck for it. Anyway... see you in the good land Irishman.

LTB Sports: A Single, A Double, and a Walk-off Mustache

2008-06-18T18:46:00.000-07:00

Okay, so this blog is as worthless as Phil's HULU suckfest, but come on, look at that. It's Jason Giambi's moving tribute to Don Mattingly circa his "Hitman" era playing days. I for one love it. Clean-cut Yankees manager Joe Girardi has viewed all the scouting reports and believes the Yankees owe their recent success to the power of the mustache. Johnny Damon and others are following. As for Giambi, he's breaking slumps and the hearts of single 40-something women everywhere. No mortal man can be certain as to when the first whiskers sprouted on Giambi’s upper lip but since May 15th Giambi has a .388 batting average with 5 dingers and 11 RBIs. Oh, not to mention he has upped his batting average 77 points from .181 to a much more respectable .258. How cool are Burt Renyolds and Tom Selleck now? Now the Yanks have a bit of a winning streak, so come along for the mustache ride, drink a brew or 10 and enjoy the summer.

P.S. I realized the ladies may like a fella with a clean-cut look. Well sorry, ladies if you want a clean stache, it's going to look a lot like this....

So do you want to know why you can never have this guy, ladies? Because he is strong, sensitive, and has a boyfriend. And yes, he is the best Met of the past 15 years. Kind of sad really. My third blog on mustaches, but don't worry I don't play on Piazza's team.

A Declaration Of Independence

2008-06-12T21:13:00.000-07:00

In CONGRESS, June 13, 2008

The unanimous Declaration of Independence from the Blog of Hatredy

When in the course of human events it becomes painfully clear that the founder of a blog has forsaken its' existence and left its' contributors to piss blindly into the wind it becomes self evident that it is altogether fitting and proper that the contributors should dissolve all allegiance to said blog and its' tyrannical creator. Phil R. Jacobs has become an abomination to the world of blogging. It has been thusly left to myself and my colleague Jonathan A. Dramathan to rear this bastard-child into a productive beacon of hope for all those who hate. In the beginning our creator posted regularly, and with much studious hilarity. In recent times, the posts have been few and when they do appear they bring much shame to the Blog of Hatredy. Hulu Phil? C'mon. We are told half-truths of busy days toiling for mere dollars and tails of a dog which has become a behemoth of hell which plagues our nights out with the Tyrant, Phil. We are told of female troubles. We are told of personal health issues. We are told of others whom just recently have returned to the fold with false-promises of powder-snow dreams. We have been replaced with false idols and have suffered through all slings and arrows without a word. Today June, 13 2008, Jonathan A. Dramathan and John N. Melnikov have decided to pledge to ourselves our sacred honor as writers of Hatredy and hereby as of this day dissolve all allegiance to the Blog and its' creator, which govern all matters of tact, prudence and language. From here out as contributors we shall post freely what we truly feel, yet were unable to properly convey, due to our newly destroyed ties to the original creator. As of this day, Hatredy will no longer exist an Shitshow Blog is created. In name we are to remain hatredy, but in spirit, Shitshow shall reign forever. We are to no longer be be-littled, we are to no longer be subject to talking about Phil's hair, nor shall we stand for the slander of our Sacred crew of 4B, by the names and petty anecdotes of outsiders. We hold these truths to be self-evident that all men are created somewhat-equal, but it is our sacred right, to rebel against tyrants in the name of free literary expression.

John N. Melnikov

Jonathan A. Dramathan

June 13 2008

This One Might Piss Some People Off

2008-06-08T21:32:00.000-07:00

Here we go folks... another list. Tough titty, deal with it

Things Hitler Could Have Done To Make Himself Seem Less Evil

1. Get Rid of That Moustache
What the hell was he thinking? That thing just reeks of evil. Hell even psychos in old timey movies had Snidely Whiplash handle bar moustaches. Even though 'ol Snidely was trying the blond virgin to the train tracks, there was something about that 'stash that made you think, "eh I kinda like this guy." Sorry Adolph... the moustache was a bad idea.

2. Instead of Killing Millions of Jews, Kill Millions of Coldplay Fans.
So what if they didn't exist in the 1930's-1940's... They all deserve to get it. There's nothing more dis-heartening than flipping on the radio and hearing that whiny bullshit band clanging away. It almost makes me want to drive my car into a tree. Maybe he could have killed the forefathers of Coldplay fans... how would he have know you ask? Just round up all the guys out there who cry when they see a flower, or guys who wore socks that matched their shirts. Bastards all of them.

3. Stop Yelling All The Fucking Time
Did he have to yell all the time? I mean c'mon Aloise (yes if you didn't know the bastard's real name was Aloise Shicklegruber, Adolph Hitler doesn't sound too bad now does it?) just pipe down. What was it like taking that guys order in a restaurant? "And for you mien fuhrer?" "GIVE ME THE CHICKEN, THE CHICKEN, NO RICE, I HATE RICE, MAYBE SOME ICE WATER TO HAVE WITH IT, MY TUMMY HURTS!!! DO YOU HAVE ALKA SELTZER??" No wonder his ho offed herself.

4. Stop Trying to Kill My Grandfather
OK so maybe Hitler didn't personally try to kill my Grandfather, but his fucking army sure as hell made it a mission to do so. That shit pisses me off. My Grandfather waxed a shitload of Nazi's and that's pretty awesome. He probably would have gotten alot more if they hadn't been shooting at his tank constantly. Dirty Nazi schmucks... they had to make things complicated.

5. Shot Himself About Twenty Years Before 1945
What would people say about him then? "Oh yeah Hitler? yeah he was that short weirdo painter who wrote that book about how he was the man and that Jews and pretty much everyone else in the world were bad. He was a dick dude... but who cares, lets get some pizza."

Hitler was a mass-murdering cocksucker, but there are still backwards psychos out there who think he was A-OK. What a world. Wow I want pizza now.

A Couple Things To Try ...

2008-06-08T21:20:00.000-07:00

Yes people, yet another list. You have to understand that my job mainly consists of sitting on my ass with long periods of time where I do nothing but stare blankly until something gets my attention like a fly landing on my eyeball, or something as equally stupid. (That happened today) I was bored... very bored and I was thinking of a couple things that if I had not been at work might have served as lovely time-passing distractions.

1. Write An Article For The Newspaper

Not just any article folks... an op-ed piece. Ranting maniacally about something that happened to you when you were jerking off the other day. "So there I was, elbow deep in my own ass, hand vigorously going to town on myself and what happens? I hear a siren! Well that just threw me into a tizzy. I couldn't finish. I was too worried about wherever the police were heading. From now on I say that if anyone is going to be calling the police ..

Lazy Sunday Blogging

2008-06-08T06:27:00.000-07:00

Fuck effort. For the record, I do put some into this, but I'm hungover today. My head hurts. My stomach is growling (I don't know if it wants food or wants to reject it). I'm pretty sure I made an ass out of myself last night (as my late night phone log would dictate). Yet the world is at my fingertips. It's Sunday. I might sleep all day. I might buy an X Box 360. I might visit Grandma. I might buy Grandma an X Box 360 and take a nap. Who knows? There's a lot to do today, so I don't have time to type. Instead, I'll use this as a forum to post old Photochopped (I don't want to get sued by Adobe) images that have been sitting around for awhile.....

RuddBate
I think Jason Bateman and Paul Rudd are underrated comedic actors that could star in a really good movie, but together, it would be box office gold. When thinking of a title for said buddy flick, what would the title be? RuddBate. It made me laugh hysterically for five minutes given the fact that there is absolutely no plot. After creating this, I didn't find it as funny (I'm sure you dont either). Onward....

Congratulations to my buddy Tony. He's the first of my bros to start a family. Here's a picture of that happy family.....
Ok, maybe not. This bizarre photo was supposed to be part of a greater creation as a comedic foray into video, but you guessed it, I was too lazy. Maybe the video will appear on the site one day.

R.I.P. Hatredy's very own Phil. His dog ate him.

But who would commission such an act of trechary? Hmmm. Clearly someone that knows him but doesnt like him much. But I dont know any angry, evil millionaires, wait....

Mutual admiration, right there folks.

Speaking of anger, I've saved the best for last. Ladies who are pro-choice, I want to give you an option. I'm not about pro-choice, I'm about pro-choices. This is a new option....

Thanks to blogger for fucking up the picture, but I'm to lazy to do anything about it and could care less if you enjoyed this. Have a great day.

Kids Are Assholes

2008-05-28T15:50:00.000-07:00

As a full grown human adult, I realize one thing: I can be, at times and generally, an asshole. Some say its my most negative and some (especially my comrades here) think its so negative, it’s almost a positive trait. Whether it’s “borrowing” a DVD I don’t intend on ever giving back to an aquaintance, photochopping a friend in an unflattering light, avoiding or pretending I didn’t see someone in public from high school, work, or from my not that distant past (oh yeah, I saw you), I am an asshole. Hell, we are a society based on assholes. We’ve all purposefully ate the last slice without asking, parked where we weren’t supposed to, not picked up the phone for someone that doesn’t know what a loser they are, “called out sick,” threatened harsh acts of death towards fellow drivers, or just plain killed a guy. Some of our most successful public figures are assholes (Donald Trump, Gene Simmons, most U.S. Presidents, etc.). I could go on and on, but I am here to talk about a whole other society of assholes that oft times go well overlooked: children.

Children are assholes. Sure, when they are born they come out of one hole, but they act like the other in turn. Ever wonder why people say, “Don’t act like a baby.” Simply stated, you are acting like a first class, Grade-A, Glenn Guilia asshole. I’m not bashing kids, I love my nieces and nephew. I think they are awesome, but like any decently flawed human being, they do act accordingly. Crying to get your way, pandering for the newest toys, dominating the television, wearing your shoes on the wrong foot, watching the same DVD over AND OVER again, and knowingly taking what’s not yours, I even know some people my age that still act that way. I have to admire it in a way. If life was hockey, children would be goons. Yet, why aren’t children brought to justice and called out on these flaws? Well, some are grounded and some get a “time out” (mostly by pussy white parents that need to go back to “Caucasia” forever), but we forgive children because they are young, unknowledgeable, immature and don’t know any better, like your typical Mets fan. If you knew, sooner or later, that you would have to grow up, wouldn’t you really milk acting however you want? Bear in mind that there are many adults who act this way and, of course, the mentally challenged are excused. However, should you read this and still do any of these acts of childhoody, you may in fact be mentally challenged. If so, ask your folks what the deal is or if they are too busy drooling and laughing at a pink bouncy ball (or watching According To Jim on syndication), please see a doctor. With that said, I am majestically segwaying into another list. Why majestically? Because I myself am a royal asshole. Anyway, here’s a short list of things children do to make themselves Lil Denis Learies…

Pee wherever you want (while sober) – I miss this one, especially in the tub. Nothing like waking up, taking a shower to clean off the grime of hours elasped, and getting rid of some excess urine in the process (sorry, ladies). Taking a piss naked is great (I am man, hear me roar…and drip). Somewhere down the line, I knew that my parents standing on my old urine (soap can’t rid everything) was wrong and stopped (regardless of pipes leading to one place, Costanza). I think when I was an infant and fully potty-trained I remember knowingly pissing myself one last time, thinking, “Mom, will make the arrangements.” That, my friends, is the work of a true asshole. Great work, pissy pants.

Spill something and NOT pick it up – This was awesome. There is nothing funnier and scarier than a really little kid trying to pour a 2 liter or gallon container into a tiny cup or glass. Best and worst case scenario, the glass is missed, the beverage container is dropped, spilled, and the glass is shattered. It really sucks if you are the adult and have to clean it up and naturally you would be peterbed. This leads to anger at the child. If you are a smart child, you cry, the parent feels sorry, and said child gets the beverage and didn’t have to clean up anything. Nice play, bucktooth.

Eating “stuff” – Stuff isn’t limited to food, either. How do you think we know that grass, ear wax, boogers, and Legos tasted bad (alright this blog is turning into the Freddy Got Fingered script). “Excuse me waiter, I’ll have the dandelion, mashed french fries sprinkled with your finest boogers and for desert I’ll have some ear wax along with the Lego. You know, the ones small enough to get lodged in my throat, so I may possibly die, sir.” Excellent choice. Way to live on the edge, Bingo. Moving on…

Wear whatever you want (while being deemed a “normal”) - I once went out of the house to play in a cartoon-Magic Johnson sweatshirt, cheap neon sunglasses, red jean shorts, yellow Hulk Hogan wristbands, purple Donatello TMNT kneepads, cheap neon green and blue sneakers from Bob’s, a cape and a tophat (yes, I had one back then too). I was the Teenage Mutant Hogan Johnson Magician Turtle Retard (I don’t feel tardy). My brother concurred to say the least. Way to dress, Palooka.

Wear flip-flops everywhere and not be an asshole – As a kid I wore my fair share of cartoon-themed sandals. To me it’s a beach and kid thing. But from stoners with “Jesus” sandals to women wearing them out at night, flip-flops are everywhere. I am writing this at work as we speak (a professional office job) and I hear that unmistakable flip-flop sound…and it gives me a friggin tumor (actually, it’s not a tuma). Flippity-floppity, open-toed whores. It annoys me, you ain’t at the beach sweetpants and unless you’re a kid, don’t do it. Be a fuckin pro, dollface.

If you are a kid and are smart enough to read this, keep it up, your cuteness will die sooner than you think. A Long Island drunk once said, these are the times to remember, so do just that. P.S. – if you are an ugly kid: beware. The tables will drastically turn. As Americans, we feel sorry for ugly kids, but in adulthood, you’ll get what coming to you, you ugly stupid kid. Until next time, learn to love it, learn to live with it, diamonds are forever, but your youth ain’t, you little shits.

Why I Will Never Watch, "The Notebook"

2008-05-08T21:47:00.000-07:00

I like to consider myself something of a movie buff. I watch a ton of movies all ranging from silent films to current day supermegaboner box office hits. I give everything a chance. Movies are a legitimate artistic medium and I believe they all, to some degree of another, have merit. I will never watch the Fucking Notebook. Every girl from here to hell seems to automatically orgasm at the mere mention of it. The movie has taken on something of a mythic proportion. AIM away messages, (see my post on them) profile quotes, hell even ring tones are dedicated to whatever sappy line is currently making them teary eyed and gushy. Enough is enough.

When I see a quote from that movie in any form on the net, posted by anyone, guy or girl my fucking blood boils. Not a quote from the Bible, Koran, Torah, Declaration of Independence, Gettysburg Address, Constitution, hell even the Communist Manifesto.... no I am forced to read something from a movie which was created for the supreme reason of making money on the fragile hearts of young girls. If you didn't think we were going to hell before, well guess again. Some movies can be categorized by the majority as, masterpieces. Goodfellas, The Third Man, Gone With The Wind, Citizen Kane, Fight Club... the list goes on and on. Sit any girl down to watch any of these movies and more than likely mid-way through she'll get up and walk away. Show her a movie with some guy with a five o'clock shadow going through some sort of romance related hell and a scene where to people make out in the rain and she'll probably cry like a fucking pansy.

Ladies, you don't have to be the stereotypical ditz that loses her shit when the boy gets the girl in these kinds of movies. Anyone who has experienced love knows that for all the wonderful moments that it presents us, there's and equal number of moments that feel like you've been sodomized in half by a horse. Do you want men to treat you equally? Do you want women to treat you equally? Do you want to me looked at as intellectuals? If so, it may be a good idea not to fall to pieces at a pre-dertemined time, put into a movie purposely by a billion dollar industry that feeds on your emotions. If Hollywood only made movies for one whole year, along the lines of the movies nominated for best picture last year, i.e. No Country For Old Men, There Will Be Blood... you'd see Brad Pitt driving around L.A. in a fucking Scion. Doesn't work that way.

I agree that movies, essentially, are made to entertain... but when entertainment becomes a model for you to deal with real-life situations concerning love, or the human heart in general, it's time to stand up and look in the mirror. What do you see? I'll tell you honey... I see a bonifide dipshit. Wake up... and for God's sake put on some make up.

P.S. Ladies, go to Blockbuster this weekend, and just pick a random movie... something you've never heard of. Go online and post a quote from it. Do something unique. Oh and once you're done put on something tight and go out and use what God gave you. For my sake.

Some More Things That Piss Me Off

2008-04-27T20:40:00.000-07:00

Alright here's some stuff that REALLY pisses me off... or at least it's been pissing me off recently.

1. Cal Ripken
What the fuck is there to like about this guy??? Because he played alot of baseball games in a row??? Wow what a TEAM player. This guy is the quintessential bad sportsman. Everyone likes to talk about his streak, but no one talks about the games where he was nothing more than a balding, hulking, old, doughy faced drip out there sucking it up for the O's... and hindering the team. "Hmm.. Cal can you play today, you don't look very good, I mean you're bleeding pretty profusely from the eyes, nose, ears, ass and mouth." SURE I CAN!!! Nice record asshole. There is no I in team, unless you played for the O's in the 80's, then there was ... it was called Cal Ripken

2. Soccer
Heres and Idea for a sport... We get a bunch of guys and a ball, follow me so far? Ok so we all run around a HUGE field, I mean big, like almost TOO big.. you still with me? Ok so here's the best part, we try to kick said ball into a net! I'M SERIOUS!! We totally kick the fuck out of it and try to get it in the net... oh and we can't use our hands. "Well... we'll anybody guard the net?" OH FUCK YEAH!!! A guy will def be there and get this... HE can use his hands. Dude your mind is so blown right now! "Alright well... what happens if no one scores, or it's tied?" I knew you'd ask that... if that happens we get to totally kick it at the net! "So the game is alot of running and then at the end if its tied we make the game ridiculously easy to end it?" Exactly dude, exactly. "Ok well what if we still cant score, and the other team can't score either?" You ready for this man?? We go home... I swear dude we just end the game. TIE GAME MAN!! EVERYONE WINS!!! "I'm gonna go home and smash my head open with a balpeen hammer." HOLY SHIT BRO!! I WAS DOING THAT ALL MORNING AND THEN I CAME UP WITH SOCCER!!

3. Hippies
Take a shower, cut your hair, stop listening to music which was created years ago to rebel against people like yourselves and get a fucking job. If anything, the music of the 60's and 70's was all about expression, and not following the crowd... so how better to celebrate that music than dressing like that guy at the cafe who's always grinning, growing dreadlocks, and saying "man" after everything. Get over yourself douchebag you drive an SUV.

4. Sandals
Nothing like the look, or smell of feet. Especially in the summer... when you naturally sweat more. Feet are hideous. Sorry girls, you can paint them, wash them, scrub them, whatever you do to them and their still going to be gross. No one wants to look at them. Guys... what the fuckin hell are you thinking? "Well Johnnyboy, its comfortable." Go fuck yourself that's a load of horseshit. Have you ever seen a guy keeled over of wincing in pain and anguish? I'm sure most of us have at one time or another... Now imagine that guy... you walk over, and ask him if he's alright. Now imagine you hear him reply with, "AHHH MY FEET ARE HOT!!" I know that personally I would probably pee on the guy, or at least break a thumb or two.

5. Frisbee
I'd like to think that we've come pretty far as a group... yet we're still bewildered by a fuckin lime green plastic plate. You know what I do when someone tosses me a Frisbee? I take it and purposely launch it in the wrong direction. After a couple of tosses like that, whoever is throwing me the stupid thing gets the point and we can move on to wiffle ball. "But dude its fun!" So is jerking off but I don't do it at picnics. Get a new hobby Mongo.

More soon but I'm tired... there's another thing that pisses me off, being tired. I'll talk about that some other time.

I Think That’s The Tops…List!

2008-04-15T19:21:00.000-07:00

The last list I created was a truly a pain. It was a Top Ten that provoked a lot of thought and effort on my part. That’s not what this blog is all about. This time, I’ve decided to branch out with multiple categories and just create the top “what-have-you” in said category. Without any further dissertation on this, let’s get right into the scary…

Top Woman I Be Intimidated To Have Sex With

Jamie Lee Curtis – Now, I know what you Macho Men are thinking, “He just can’t fit his winky in her pinky, uhuh.” No, I’m cool on that front, hell a very early me had a very early boner from watching Ms. Lee Curtis show her tits in Trading Places (still do). While she seemed like a happy hooker in that flick, it’s the real woman that has scared me. My old man gets AARP magazine (not a bad read for bad shits) and JLC “bares all” from the shoulder up and one thing’s for sure: I’m still frightened. Congrats, she still has a great body and all, but looking at those menacing, wincing eyes, that now pepper grey short hair cut, and that stiff upper lip still makes my dick cringe in fear. What would it be like to have sex with Jamie Lee Curtis? I assume there is NO foreplay whatsoever and I’d probably have to be fully clothed (assuming she is disgusted by all men) with only my fly open for penis access. It is a rather militant operation that lasts as long as Ms. Curtis sees fit. During the whole thing she is probably watching the WE Channel or Monster Truck races very loudly and since Gravedigger doesn’t turn me on that much, I’m in big trouble. For the life of me, I better keep this thing up before she clenches together and rips my junk right off. After I receive a few black eyes and JLC angrily gets off, a report card of what I did right and mostly wrong is received, as I lay in the fetal position and I feel like less of a man because of the whole experience. The other reason I Jamie Lee Curtis scares me? I don’t go for dudes (sorry Sigourney Weaver).
Sigourney Sidenote: I have to admit feeling weird for thinking Sigourney Weaver was hot in Ghostbusters considering she turned into what we all thought she was in the first place: a monster.

Top Douchebag I Should Hate, But Secretly Admire
Bret Michaels – Glam Rock to me is the metal equivalent for disco, but I kind of respect the guy. He was the first rocker to bang Pamela Anderson (Tommy Lee and Kid Rock are still fighting over his sloppies). He’s stayed true to his shit form of rock and it’s worked. Bret is an idiot, a douche, a womanizer and doesn’t stray away from that stigma. He’s parlayed it into a reality show and now new generations that were in diapers when Poison was on the charts want to jump his bones. As I look in my closet at my played-out obnoxious Ed Hardy polo, I see a little Bret Michaels in me. Straight men of America can all see Bret in them figuratively. Women of Rock of Love have seen Bret in them literally.

Top 80's Trainwreck Clip That's Fun To Watch

Corey Haim - The clip says it all and yes Lost Boys 2 is in fact coming out straight-to-DVD with both Coreys (although I question Haim's speaking lines after watching this).

Top Person I Enjoy Seeing Get Fat

Al Gore – I’m 25, I’m in relatively good shape, it just comforts me knowing that he’s getting bigger and I’m getting thinner. Moving on…

Top 2 Guys I’d Like See An Enemy Stuck In An Elevator With
David Lee Roth and Flava Flav – Sure, you might be thinking, “I can party with these guys. I like hip-hop and rock, I can have a great time with these guys.” Ugh, that’s what I first thought. Imagine being totally sober in an elevator. In comes David Lee Roth. Awesome, right! Wrong. I love DLR as much as any fan of Van Halen, but think about how obnoxious he’d be. Highsteping and kicking like a Rockette, all the while making incomprehensible scat noises (bippy-bop!) and such. He’s wasted with a bottle of something really expensive, doesn’t want to share that bottle, and tells you he is the reason Van Halen is successful again (foreshadowing yet another break-up). Then when things couldn’t get any worse on this excruciating elevator of death, in walks Flava Flav. Yelling and screaming and not making any sense, his gigantic clock (and maybe glock as well) make the ride more claustrophobic than Diamond Dave’s highstepping ever was. So Flav’s yelling and Dave making mocking kissy lips with a victim sandwiched in between...I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy (who am I kidding, I would wish much worse). Bippy-boop, indeed.

Top Story We Need To Get Over Forever
Yo Roids! Watching Barry Bonds cheat his way past Hank Aaron’s record and see his massive head (dome, not just ego) inflate grotestly is disgusting. Did Roger Clemens do it? His stats reached an all-time peak after the Red Sox stint, coincidentally when he is being accused are being of enhancing performance. While I thought he was a bad-ass throwing a broken bat at fumanchu wearing Mike Piazza (the Pizza-Man was always a little light on his feet anyway), there was some roid-raging going on there. The debate remains…should they be in the Hall of Fame in Cooperstown? I say without a doubt, absolutely 100%. I think half of Roger Clemens should be there for real reasons, while Barry Bonds should get his own wing, possibly in a bathroom, utility closet, or how about just a hole (think Silence of the Lambs-ish). Throw Cancesco (whose name Spellcheck wanted to correct to “cancers”, how fitting) in there, Sosa, hell even Palmeiro. Why, you ask? I graduated the eighth grade and high school along with five and a half years of college…barely. One of my teachers senior year of high school wrote: “Close Call” (asshole Mr. Wright). In grammar school, I made first and later second honors six years in a row. Alright, so I hit puberty and did nothing for the next six years academic wise. Did my father praise me? No, I got the “you barely made it so we don’t care about your previous accomplishments.” That’s how it should be in baseball. While the halls of academia have honored me with a piece of paper, my family did not let me forget how I screwed up in the past. That’s what life is: a series of trials and errors. Create the Bonds Wing in Cooperstown so we all have a place to piss freely and throw our garbage. Hatredy Sidenote: Fuck Barry Bonds.

Top Guy To Really Overachieve With Women (aka the Lyle Lovitt 2008 Award)

Jordan Bratman (the guy who knocked up Christina Aguilera) – He impregnated one of the hottest, actually talented pop stars and he as neck flab! He’s worse-looking and in worse shape than me. Good for him. Thanks for the hope, Brat Man.

Top Casting for a Crazy Homeless Guy

Jerry Lewis (Law and Order) - From Jerry’s Kids to Jerry’s, uh, Shit. “Got any spare change, glaven.” And he was a murder suspect too! Ah, the hilarity. A small part of me would find it hilarious if it were real too. Somewhere in heaven Dean Martin is laughing. Ain’t that a kick in the head.

Top (Former) Fat Guy That I Gave Up Hating
Jared from Subway – It was one of the first “healthy” aimed commercials for fast food and he was (still is) all over their marketing. I grew tired of him. Then South Park parodied him. That was six years ago. His real ads have been running for nearly 10 YEARS. I got my license, lost my virginity, graduated high school, graduated college, saw a few deaths, saw a few births, moved, and had a few jobs all the while this guy has stayed true to his diet and hocked these fucking subs on us. I give up, keep pimping out those hoagies Jared.

Top Disturbing Thing I’d Like To Do
Punch a really, really hot girl in the face – Think of the scenario, guys. You’re drunk. You’re frisky. You’re courageous. You decide to spit game at a girl that’s way out of your league. Then she rejects you, cold. Not even the old “I have to catch up with my friends” bit. Just plain rude to you. Your friends saw the whole thing. Your confidence is shattered. It ruins your night (until the next drink). Picture the same scenario: rejected. Let’s make it worse, her mini-van shaped friend laughs in your face too. That’s okay guy, you’ve got the power of the punch! She laughs at you, so you deck her square in her face. Your buddy then throws his drink in the fat friend’s face. Then security escorts them out in a huff. You win. Perfect. Actually, I am firmly against violence against women, so let’s just have a dog pounce them instead. Oh and let’s stop making those slutty kissy faces!!!

Sorry Phil...

2008-04-15T18:47:00.000-07:00

So I just read the bowl of gizz that my colleague Phil has posted about his love for Hulu. If you haven't read it yet, please do now, or this post wont make much sense. Let me explain why I'm flaming his post. Couple weeks back, Phil and I were on our way back from NYC and he was telling me about this great new site where they had EVERY MOVIE AND TV SHOW YOU COULD THINK OF!!!!! Every show I named, every movie I named... Phil assured me I could find it on Hulu. He told me how it was a relatively new site and he had just discovered it... now this SHOULD have sent up red flags in my mind but at the time I didn't think about what he had just said. We'll get back to that shortly...

So I get myself an account and begin to use the site. There's not much to say about it ... other than the fact that I had been completely lied to. Chock full O Simpsons episodes? Try 3, and they all sucked. Every movie I could think of?? More like 50 and the best one that I could find on the list was "Very Bad Things", which isn't a very good movie. "Dude they have like everything on there, its fuckin awesome, they have alot of shit that you can't find anywhere else." <--- Complete Bullshit. Every show I searched came up with nada. If you're a fan of obscure, hard to find and truly hilarious or for that matter, awesome drama/suspense, Hulu... is not where you want to try to find it. I've found a ton of stuff on Youtube, and three lousy episodes of the Simpsons and a thousand clips from SNL, heres the kicker folks; I don't watch SNL. Great.

I realized shortly afterwards why Phil loved(s) this site so much; because HE found out about it before his group of friends did. That reason alone will fuel his love for it until eventually a brightly colored ball rolls by his window and he decides to chase it. The Hulu brass could fuck his dog with a plunger, break Phil's leg and then force him to fellate a corpse and he'd still think it was "the shit" because HE found out about it before I did, and the site was in its infancy when he did. Now I realize that the site is new, and that its going to take time before more people upload their shit onto it (or however it works) and make it decent, but honestly folks I'm not willing to wait. I have Youtube, I have Limewire, hell I even have netflix... so I don't have to be a Huluboy. Aside from those reasons now I have another reason to hate it.... Phil loves it. That's all I needed.

Going Out On A Friday Night In America

2008-04-09T20:39:00.000-07:00

I drink more than an IRA hitman living in London... above Scotland Yard. I also smoke cigarettes, and I am in my early, soon to be mid, twenties. Put those three facts together along with a serious escapist mentality, you have someone who like alot of other people, likes to go out on the weekends. When I was in my teens going out was a release. We would go out looking for girls, parties, we'd skateboard in parking lots, try desperately to score beer, some of us smoked weed, some people did other things but all in all it was good ol' fashioned American fun. I live in close proximity to New York City, (about 45 minutes by highway) so that was always an option too. All in all kids in this area, although just as bored as kids in any other area, had a good amount of options. Now I am in my mid twenties and skateboarding would end up with me breaking something, weed puts me to sleep and parties give me the heebie jeebies. I still like chicks though, so hell... I go out. If I didn't have a healthy sex drive I would probably never leave the house. Lets face it, its a hell of a lot cheaper to have your friends come over to drink a case of beer and a handle of whiskey... but you cant fuck your friends.... Well I suppose you could but my friends are ass-ugly and I haven't reached that level of horniness yet. (sorry bro's you're not ugly ... but in my eyes you're all hideous swamp monsters)

So lets go out. Alright first off, my friends and I are not the kind of drinkers where we can have a couple to feel loose and laugh the night away. We have a set way of doing things. Pretty much boils down to this... shower, put on nice clothes, do the hair, brush the teeth, throw on cologne and head out to find something with a vagina that sees this neatly wrapped package and decides she wants to unwrap it and ruin all the hard work. So we hit the bar, inevitably its too loud to speak at a normal tone so there is alot of yelling. Throw a fiver on the bar and suck down a beer. Alright the hunt is on. Now I'm not going to go through the whole play by play of a night out on the town, but maybe some of you guys reading this will agree with this next break down of the night... in three parts.. 1. Drink and try to meet girls... 2.(A) Get lucky and meet a girl, drink with her and either strike out or hit a homerun, (B) Don't meet anyone, and decide to get shithoused drunk to the point of blacking out... 3. Crashing.

It goes to say that not everyone in the group agrees on the spot so there is always someone at least peeved to be there in the first place. (that's usually me) At one point in the night everyone does a shot together, oh what fun! Then whoever the cheap one is, asks who has the round covered. Normal people buy rounds, we don't. So the bartender has to wait there as we all scuttle through our wallets to try to find the right amount, sort of like a hobo trying to score a free burger at McD's... hoping that eventually the person behind the counter will say, "ahh just take it." Gotta love this little nugget of the male mind during a night on the town. We will buy any girl we have JUST met with tits and pretty eyes anything she wants, but buying a drink for guys you've laughed, cried and grown up with... fuck that shit. Sometimes you do it, and figure that covers you until the end of the year, but most of the time its every man for themselves. Its a fucking jungle out there, and its a jungle full of groups of guys doing the SAME FUCKING THING YOU'RE DOING!!!! I'm amazed anyone gets laid these days. Ever notice that theres ALWAYS more dudes than chicks at a bar? Don't get it twisted lads... girls maybe insane but they ain't stupid. So lets move on... the drinking is in full swing and people are making moves. The less successful hunters hang by the bar, the "winners" are chatting up their catches and the environment hasn't gotten any more inviting... in fact its getting old.

Now someone wants to leave... and if everything is aligned perfectly in the cosmos, the rest of the group concurs. So you leave, and head to another bar. A fresh scene and guess what this brand new canvas is full of? Groups of guys getting drunk and trying to get laid. Sometimes you recognize them from the bar you just came from. Bars in the United States, and all over the world really are around for two reasons... to get drunk and to try to find someone to fuck. If you have a girlfriend, wife ... whatever you don't take her to the bar to get hammered to fuck her, you can do that sober. People take their significant others to bars to have fun but these people make me sick. You're just taking up space... buy a bottle of wine, throw on a movie and get the hell away from the bar, I'm on the job here, you're just visiting. Lets say its getting late in the night and now some of the boyos are getting hungry, tired or far too drunk. What the hell is "too drunk"?? Drunk is drunk. It would be like if you said in conversation... "boy I really miss my old dog but he is wayyyy too dead." From now on if you're feeling nauseated or like you're at the point of passing out just say, "I'm drunk"... we'll all get the point. The guys who say they're "really drunk" are the guys who can tell you every fucking drink they had the next day.

If you got lucky, well then congratulations but more likely than not, you didn't. Its like baseball... if you hit the ball three out of ten times you're a three hundred hitter and you can get your ass into the hall of fame. If you get laid once every couple of months hitting the bars, well shit you deserve to have your number retired. So at the end of the night when you're home, alone, ears still ringing from all the shitty music you had to listen to that you don't like in the first place, head spinning from mixing liquor and throat sore from endless cigarettes, and well... in the same place you started, but a little broker and just as horny... welcome to being a young male adult in the U.S. The game is just as difficult now as it ever was and it's never going to get any easier. So why do we do this to ourselves over and over again? Because my friends... well... I don't know. Is it fun? Sure. Is meeting girls a thrill? Sure. Do you think it was everything you thought it was going to be a few hours earlier when you were making plans for the big night? No. Don't get discouraged though, there's always next weekend.

Bastardly Sports: The Boys of Shitty Summers

2008-04-05T19:26:00.000-07:00

In the not too distant past, there was a ruthless billionaire who ruled the most widely recognized sports franchise in history with an iron fist. Like all Greatmen, he has slowed down with age. The team spends millions to win, yet doesn’t win the championship (eight years in New York is feeling like 20). Every spring, “it’s going to be different.” This year, the son of a ruthless billionaire takes over the reigns as vocal asshole. Yet, it’s coming off in hilarious fashion, like Tommy Boy taking over for Big Tom Callahan. The ending was happy, so I’ll remain optimistic for this road trip we are on of a season called 2008 New York Yankees baseball. With Mr. April A-Rod back, Yankee Stadium being torn down, and the Mets looking good, I do have one question, what the hell has happened?

I grew up being a fan of the New York Yankees. I love that team. From the House That Ruth Built, the logo, the colors, from the Curse of the Bambino, to Legends Field, to Don Mattingly, from the fence, the late 90s dynasty, and look, the smell (of the grass anyway), and the presence of Yankee Stadium…its’ hard not to respect the traditions growing up where I have. I’ve been a proud man about this for a long time, but the tables have changed and we all have to except it. As a child, the Reggie Jackson-era Yanks won those World Series about five years before I was born. Then came the 80s. The Summer of Sam was over, the World Series titles were over, and the only murders involved season ticket holders. Irrational decisions from an irrational billionare (George Steinbrenner) and the many firings and rehirings of Billy Martin, all the while Donnie Baseball is struggling to keep his sanity on mediocre teams and putting up MVP numbers comprised my Yankees from 1983-1995. In 1996, Mattinngly retired, Joe Torre (a National League guy who recently was fired from the Cardinals) was hired, and the Yankees were a mix of seasoned veterans, unknown young players (Rivera, Jeter). I didn’t have much hope. Then it happened, they won the World Series. I treated this as I did the NY Giants Superbowl this year, an impromptu miracle season that likely wouldn’t be duplicated. Not only was it duplicated, but starting in 1998 the Yanks won three more. It was a great time to be a Yankees fan. Johnnyboy on this very column proudly sported an offical Yankee jacket; the very same one Joe Torre would smugly slump on the bench on for the next seven years. That jacket was a sign of things to come. Johnnyboy almost got into a pretty big bruhaha over that piece of cloth and nylon and it was one of the earliest instances of people disliking not just the Yankees, but anyone that had anything to do with them (it’s not like we live in Boston) in the dominant era of the franchise. The Yankees struck fear in the heart of their victims and as much as I loved the ruthless aggression the Yanks showed, I knew they became the evil empire along the way.

Slowly, yet surely I sensed the danger looming ahead. September 11, 2001 was the biggest tragedy I have witnessed in my lifetime. The Yanks were in the Series that year. “Let do it for New York! Let’s do it for America! Let’s do it for Jonny (me, not that Melnikov asshole in the photo)!!!” They didn’t. They lost to a team in Arizona. Arizona?!?!? They were only an expansion team three years before and Arizona is where old people go to die. All I know is that I am still rather enthusiastic about this year’s team. Maybe Torre’s way was running old, maybe the Curse of the Don is erased (sorry, Mr. Mattingly, sir), maybe Hank will rule with a successful fist. Maybe Redsox fans have done the same thing (that being faked optimism) year after year until 2004. God, this bizzaro world has got to stop. Go Yanks!!!

P.S. Sending me Yankee cheers on Facebook won’t necessarily make the team win, so screw off.

5 Ways to Ruin a First Date

2008-03-31T21:53:00.000-07:00

We've all been there. Anxiety, sweat, anticipation, constipation... The first date. Maybe you've met the person before. Maybe it's a blind date. Whichever the case may be... if you get to the line of scrimmage and don't like the look of the defense, here are 5 sure fire ways to get your ass out of there.

1. Start Masturbating Furiously
Subtly. Don't whip it out or throw your hand down your pants... slide them down there, like a gentleman, or lady. Right about the time where the un-holy beast is telling you about how much they're job sucks... just nod 'uh huh', and slide your hand down to your crotch slowly, begin to rub.. vigorously. Your date will ask, "are you ok? do you like, have an itch?" Respond by saying... "Nah I don't, I'm jerking off." If he or she doesn't excuse themselves from the table at that point... move to number 2.

2. Announce that you think that, 'Hitler was cool, but he had some bad ideas.'
If your date is Jewish, they will leave immediately. If not they will question your statement. Counter with... "I just think that maybe if like he hadn't killed just Jews, Poles, Russians, French, Belgians, Retarded people, Intellectuals, Doctors, Artists, Lawyers, Priests and Pollacks, maybe his shit wouldn't stink so bad, ya know?" If your date is still at the table. You have got yourself a Nazi. Run with it, into number 3...

3. Re-cant everything you have just said.
Laugh it off, tell your date that you just said all that stuff about Hitler to see what kind of reaction you'd get... because what you really wanted to say was.... and then tell him/her that you enjoy watching your underground copies of 'New York Midget on Midget Plus Donkey.' What is NYMMD you ask? Who the fuck knows... at this point you're dealing with a Nazi.. time to get tough. Tell him or her, how you enjoy watching that cute face of pain wash into a lovely face of angry pain, and how animals were put on this earth for us to use... not just for food. Alright I'm getting sick just thinking about this and I'm the one fucking writing it. You get the point though... just start spouting out stupid bullshit about underground German porn, or something that you find nauseating. If your date at this point hasn't left... its time for the big guns.

4. Run to your car and change into the Spanish Conquistador costume you stashed away in the trunk.
Return to the table, or bar and start saying things like; "Cortez has given me a map, a map which marks a place, where dreams are made, ancient songs ring in the air, a place which I will take you, after your crab cocktail." "You remind me alot of the Aztec God of obesity." Refuse to take off your helmet, for it is in such hospitable environments, that men can turn to the most deplorable demons. Start throwing things at neighboring tables, and when the patron turns to you, blame it on the God quetzalcoatl. This should work. Insanity is usually a deal breaker in most cases, unless the person youre with also insane.

5. Ask your date if they're, 'into diarrhea'
If he or she says yes.... marry them. Ok so diarrhea is disgusting, but its also intriguing. I'm not saying you should think about jumping into a diarrhea fetish, but think about the sexual possibilities with a person who is that depraved. If the hump you're about to hump is in to liquid poop... you've got it made in the shade. That is truly the last frontier and if you have reached that on the first date... May all the whiskey in Cork sing you to thy rest.

P. S. - I do not endorse coprophagia, beastiality or midget pornography in any way shape or form. If YOU do... hey, it's your world I just live in it.

Mets Fans... A Gathering of Ignorance

2008-03-23T13:38:00.000-07:00

I do not hide my deep love for the New York Yankees, my hate for the Boston Red Sox and for the city of Boston itself, but recently there has been a new little flicker of hatred growing inside me... and its for Mets Fans. Not the Mets themselves so much, because I mean lets face it... what is a Met? A Met is a baseball player, who although plays for a major league team in NYC, is still a second class athlete in the eyes of the majority. I feel kinda bad for Mets, its like being the middle child, or the ugly dog at the pound.. you walk by and say ... "awww poor guy", and then immediately move on. The fans however... alright lets get started...

The Met fan is the guy who decides to root for a team because "everyone else likes the Yankees." Which brings me to my first point... Met's fans have this belief that its "easy to be a Yankee fan." Are you fucking kidding me? The Yanks are the most hated team on the planet. Every time they play the other team plays a little harder because they're playing the big bad Yankees. The Yankees have a solid history of winning and domination, their fans are loyal, and everyone hates us. Major League... they played the hated Yankees, that stupid movie with Kevin Costner where he pitches for Detroit.. they played the hated Yankees, and as I remember there is a scene in the movie where a Yankee fan sitting at a bar is made to look like a complete bozo and the bartender whispers something like, "damn Yankee fans" or something. People hate us so much they lambaste us in the movies. Have you ever seen a movie, TV show, or fuckin comic book where the apex of the action is the big game versus The Mets? No you haven't.

If anything its easy as pie to be a Met fan. No one gives a shit about the Mets, they try to hate us and bait us into some new Red Sox - like rivalry but sorry Mr. Met... we got our rivalry. The Mets have never been good... aside from 1969 and 1986, there is no expectation for them to do well from year to year and that fact alone makes it easy to be a Met fan. Oh the Mets didn't go anywhere this season?... that sounds bout right.

Another thing that Mets fans try to parade around as a reason to hate the Yankees; is the payroll Issue. Lets get this straight.... the highest payroll..... doesn't mean shit. The Yanks haven't won in 7 years Douchenuggets. Last year the Yank's payroll was $189,639,045. The Mets $115, 231,663. The difference of about 73 million bucks doesn't mean a fucking thing in pro sports. And the Mets have the money by the way... they're building a new stadium... they just don't spend it. Load of horse shit.

Finally, the Met fan is a truly pathetic animal, desperately searching for a rivalry. I mean what kind of a team can you have when you don't even have a good rivalry? The Braves? the Phillies... wow cant wait to tune in to those grind out grudge-matches. The colors suck, blue and orange... just screams baseball to me. The stadium... oh God ... Id rather watch a baseball game in Fallujah. They have a mascot... Mr. Met. What the fuck man? That's bush-league shit... sorry Philly, but you know its true. Its a sad state of affairs in Queens, and I for one am happy to hear it.

NYY WS CHAMPIONSHIPS - 1923, 1927, 1928,1932, 1936, 1937, 1938, 1939, 1941, 1943, 1947, 1949, 1950, 1951, 1952, 1953, 1956, 1958, 1961, 1962, 1977, 1978, 1996, 1998, 1999, 2000.

NY METS WS CHAMPIONSHIPS - 1969, 1986.

What a rivalry!

Voting Is For Losers

2008-03-20T20:45:00.000-07:00

Ok, I know what all you little haters out there are wondering, when are these guys going to talk politics? Johnnyboy already touched on those annoying Bush bashers, but never officially stated a political affiliation (or at least as far as I read). Well, I am your beacon of hope and I will tell you who to vote for…The Sane Choice: Jim “The Ultimate Warrior” Hellwig and Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake. Hellwig is a beast for one, he won’t get polio like that lame old FDR from a few years back. Beefcake, well, I suppose Hellwig could have chosen anyone for a running mate, but the Warrior/Beefcake ticket just seems to flow. "Dad, I'm voting for Hellwig & Beefcake." I like the sound of that. What are Hellwig’s policies you ask? Here’s a taste of what you can expect…Bin Laden: smashed. Taxes: tapped out. Homelessness: powerbombed. The Budget: balanced due to more smashing. Steroids: legalized and encouraged (finally). AIDS: Piledriven. Children: fighting machines. That’s right kids, Uncle Warrior and Vice Uncle Beefcake will no longer tolerate insubordination. Junk food out (sans Slim Jims, of course). X Boxes and Playstations will be destroyed and melted into weapons of mass destruction (not Wiis though, Hellwig is intrigued). Everyone must have the proper children’s hairstyle from the 1980s, no questions asked, after all our new VP is a professionally untrained barber. Oh, and cigarettes? Still worried if little Tairy or teenie Henrietta might starting smoking young? What the hell(wig) do you think?

I blog, I update. Hellwig and Beefcake are reclusive and computers are foreign to them. In turn, America will now be updated with handwritten holiday cards like so. Here is a Thanksgiving update:

I case you haven’t figured it out, I don’t care about voting. It’s not for losers (that was just a hateful title), but I don’t care what or who you’re voting for. As far as everyone knows, on Election Day I’m voting, but in reality I’m just going to treat myself to ice cream. Where? I’m not sure yet, but I’m looking forward to it. Then when I have kids and it’s time to vote for Chelsea Clinton, Hammock Obama, Flava Flav, or whoever else, guess what? Yes, we are not voting and going out for ice cream (unless my kids are fat, then just Slim Jims for them). So when you’re deciding Obama, Hilary, or McCain, my choices of chocolate, vanilla, or cookie dough will be more delicious than yours. Remember, your vote doesn’t count and no one will blame you if you stay home and eat, it’s the American Way.

Things I wish I could do... and Will Probably Try

2008-03-16T20:49:00.000-07:00

Alright so Ive gotten some positive feedback from my list of away messages posts and I'm told that people ... "like lists". That's a direct quote, from myself. I like lists and I'm a people. So here's another one. The 5 things I would like to do before I die.

5. Get a blowjob while eating a cheesesteak
Honestly, think about how fucking unreal that would be. Even better if you could time your last bite to coincide with your orgasm. There is really no way to pull this one off though, I mean think about it, how would that conversation go... "honey Id really love a blowjob, I had such a bad day and I'm so stressed out, you can make it an early Christmas present to me... oh and while you do it I'm going to eat a loose meat sandwich, you know... to save time." Not going to work. I suppose you could hide the sandwich until she starts sucking you off but theoretically its a logistical nightmare. The smell of the sandwich would definitely tip her off and then you'd probably have to share it with her and that defeats the purpose of the cheesesteak blow. The prospect of dropping hot onions and mushrooms on her head while shes knobbing me is actually making me horny.. and hungry. Lets move on.

4. Buy a hobo a tuxedo
For no real reason. I think that if I bought a hobo a tux, I would feel fulfilled. Think about it, if you see some bum rustling through the garbage with a bindle and a scraggly beard with a squirrel living in it you get depressed, angry, murderous, horny... I don't know, but you don't feel good. Now imagine that same bum... in a tux, BAM James Bond. The bum may be able to parlay his new duds into some sort of job, or money making enterprise... and then you would that something you did for someone changed their life for the better. The bum would also feel better about himself and become an idol for all the other 'gentleman of the street' or as I like to call them, 'knights of the sacred order of sleeping in shit'. Its a humanitarians wet dream.

3. Open a school and name it, Its Never Going to Get any Better Academy
I'm sick of generation after generation of kids getting their hopes up to be ultimately disappointed in the end. Remember when you were a little kid and you started grammar school? Alright it sucked not being able to play Nintendo... or Sega (if you were one of those pretentious little bastards) but all in all it was pretty fucking tits. Snack time, recess, lunch, taking a piss and then going home. That's really all it was. So I'm sure many of you, like myself thought it was just going to get better as the grades wore on. Well it fucking doesn't and we all found out the hard way. I would do away with "kindergarten" in my school... and start off by telling the students... "you're all going to be stuck in this building for the next nine years respectively. Then you will go to another depressing building and listen to things you don't care about for four years, and you'll get to do it while your body goes through terrifying, disgusting changes, sorta like swampthing. Then after that you'll go to a bigger building and it will be alot of fun for four years, then after that you will sit at another desk until the day you die. So take this year and play like you will never play again, because honestly boys and girls... that's pretty much whats going to be the case." Then when 1st grade rolled around Id start whomping ass.

2. Have anal sex with the queen of England
Someone once told me that to be the President of the United States would be great, but being a king or queen would be even better. Well, they were right. But even better than that... would be fucking the queen in her ass. As an American, I really don't care either way about the Brits, but as an Irish guy, I fucking hate them. Alright shes crusty and old and it would be like having sex with a box of raisins but lets be honest here, it would be worth it. Every job interview would be so fucking cool... "I know I am grossly unqualified for this job, I am also aware that I'm not wearing pants right now or to make up for that fact, a clean shirt, but what you don't know is that Ive had my dick in the queen of England, and that alone makes me more successful than anyone you are going to interview today." Holy shit that would be so cool.

1. Adopt a kid and raise him to be a complete asshole
I'm ripe with problems, and Ill be the first to admit it. At this rate reproduction with a human female while probable, just seems like it would be a very bad idea. I wouldn't want some kid walking around with the same issues, health wise and behavioral that I deal with. That being said I really want to have a kid to carry on the good name of being a jerk. There aren't enough cynics in this world, and there aren't enough people out there telling kids that they suck. If you grow up thinking you suck, you're going to try to better yourself. If you're told that you're awesome your whole life... theres no incentive to be anything other than what you already are, and 9 out of 10 kids are fucking losers. So yes, I am going to tell my son that he sucks and everything he does is wrong, and he will be a better person for it. Eventually he will kill me. Which in a way is pretty fucked up but perhaps he will adopt and spread the true word like his old man did. Maybe he'll grow up to be president, and then he could have a real shot at fucking the queen in the ass. Two birds with one stone... eh makes sense to me.

Motherboy: Television For Women

2008-03-05T17:21:00.000-08:00

Sometimes the things I hate are byproducts of things I love. Case in point: I LOVE the series Arrested Development and regard it as one of the best shows ever produced. I HATE the fact that it was cancelled.
The legacy lives, however, as the Motherboy (a dinner dance aimed at promoting mother/son bonding) episode is being slightly reproduced by the twisted bastards at Lifetime (television for women). They are pimping out a new show, Your Mama Can’t Dance. The Motherboy concept, albeit twisted, lives on. In this reality series, some of America's hottest dancers auditioned for a chance to be a part of a new dance rivalry show under the fictitious name Dance Nation (they had to be tricked, let’s face it), but they had no idea that they would be getting screwed over majestically. They soon discovered that they'd be working with a partner and that their partner would be one of their parents and/or guardians! Now, five female dancers will be fox-trotting with their fathers (Fathergirl doesn’t sound as good) while five male dancers will be doing the mambo with their mothers as they vie for praise from the judges (yes that is directly from the Lifetime site, I had to leave it in).

So who are the judges you dare ask? They are the inevitable who’s who of shit-stains on Hollywood's Walk of Fame. First there’s Chris Judd, who’s bio on the Lifetime website (internet for women) mentions nothing of his failed marriage to J-Lo, his most famous work ever (if he knocked her up, he’d be sitting pretty like K-Fed). Then there’s Vitamin C, yes the Graduation (Friends Forever) songstress bitch, who made every girl and gay dude cry in the 2000 graduating class and I’m sure today’s classes have to painstakingly have to deal with that same garbage every summer. Then there’s the biggest goon of them all, Ben Vereen. Mister Vereen is widely regarded as a legendary actor and is probably a very credible judge…so I hear. To me he is nothing more than an asshole. Remember that episode of the Fresh Prince where Will’s dad (Ben Vereen) actually visits?? Things are going just swell (aside from the disappointment that Mr. Smith was a short, borderline homeless looking man). So much like Uncle Phil predicted, Papa Smith ditches Will…and I wish Uncle Phil whipped ass that day (yes that’s all I know Benjamin Vereen from, what’s it to ya?). Back to Motherdance, so the whole thing’s host by Steve Sanders himself, 90210’s Ian Ziering (so Mario Lopez is THAT busy these days I guess). So Captain Ziering uses whatever charm he stole from Luke Perry and Jason Priestley, while the producers worry if Ben Vereen will make up another lame excuse and bail on the show like he did Will. Oh, yeah and a bunch of kids get tricked into dancing with the parents much to Lifetime viewers’ pleasure. Well, all I know is this Friday, I’m watching some freestyle waltzing, boy’s choice! Ah, I digress, now if you want to see kids and adults interact in creepy and hilarious fashion, stick with Dateline: To Catch a Predator, thank you.

The Mustachio Bashio Part 2: The Hairy Best…and The Rest

2008-02-23T17:10:00.000-08:00

If you aren’t aware of this list please check out Part 1 for why we are even doing a Top 10 mustache list. So with Alex Trebek, the Original Brawny Man, Rollie Fingers/Keith Hernandez, Top Gun, and Mario dominating the 10 though 6 spots, let’s see just who cracked the Top 5 mustaches of all time (and to shorten any hate mail, there is also a rather lengthy honorable mention list)…

5) Geraldo Rivera – I would be remiss not to mention this “journalist.” In a world of credible news journalists, there is Geraldo. Many strive for perfection; Geraldo gets the dirt, all while stroking that pointy mustache every step of the way.

4) Don Mattingly – Ah, my favorite baseball player of all time. Donnie Baseball was tough, worked hard, and got the job done which is a common characteristic of all mustache-wearers. His Yankee plaque has that famous Yankee stache engraved in stone and in our hearts. So Mr. Mattingly, for the love of God, please stop shaving it. Sometimes we really don’t know which Don we are going to get, but when we get the mustache, you know everything is going to be alright.

3) Tom Selleck – Magnum P.I. to me was Mustache P.I. He has had an awesome run and is most notably known for having a mustache, but like Trebek and the new Brawny Man, sometimes insists on the clean shave, which would normally peg him down on this list. Not Selleck though, I once saw him on Conan O’ Brien sporting the mustache. Like me, Conan was confused on why he switched from time to time. He then handed Tom an electric razor to shave off half of his mustache to please both audiences. Mr. Selleck then noted that he had other interviews to attend to after Conan, now with his bizarre half-mustache. It was awesome. Tom Selleck, a great sport, a great man, a great mustache. (Blogger’s Note: It was really hard to pick one Selleck picture, there are thousands and they are all awesome.)

2) Burt Reynolds – What can I say? He’s a legend. From Smokey and the Bandit to the Boogie Nights beard, Burt’s done it all in mustache style. He looks like a different person without it (Stripetease: I wanted to see Demi in the buff and was disgusted because of Burt’s no-stache atrocity). So did the mustache make the man? No, this man made his own moustache and rules while still knowing he is bad-ass.

1) Hulk Hogan – Anyone that knows me, knew the Hulkster would ring in at number one. Why am I adamant about Hogan? He reminds me of my youth, the good old days, and he talked the talked and beat up the bad guys. He reminded me of a “super” dad because of his awesome fu manchu mustache and how you could look up to him (in all fairness to my dad, he still maintains a killer stache to this day). Hulk Hogan without a mustache is like the American flag without the stars and stripes, it is just unfathomable.

Honorable Mentions (Let's face it, I probably missed someone, maybe this will ease the pain):

Sam Elliott - Whether it's Tombstone (or any western, really) or the Big Lebowski, the Stache abides. The Stache abides. I don't know about you but I take comfort in that. It's good knowin' he's out there. The Stache. Takin' 'er easy for all us sinners. Shoosh. Now I want some good sarsaparilla, moving on...

Goose Gossage– another monster mustache and a legendary Yankee, but in the land of a top ten there is only room for so many baseball players. (wow, 2 Gooses on one list).

Wade Boggs – mustaches rocked the Yankees infield in the mid-90s with both Boggs and the above mentioned Mattingly (united by the stache), however his conversion to the goatee keeps him off the top 10.

Luigi - Don’t think I forgot Mario’s younger brother. His mustache is so important how did they think they were going to have a Mario Bros. movie WITHOUT Luigi sporting a mustache? The movie sucked and I still hold it against John Leguizamo to this day.

Monterey Jack – Chip and Dale’s Rescue Rangers needed some muscle and to the surprise of absolutely no one, this tough guy had a mustache.

Everyone else from 1980s Wrestling – The Hulkster wasn’t the only man sporting a killer stache beating people up in the 80s.

Groucho Marx – He didn’t influence me personally and sometimes it was just painted on, but when you think of the Marx Bros, you think of Groucho and is oversized facial hair from the bygone era.

Robert Goulet – As a kid, I knew Bob Goulet as an old school entertainer for an old school era. The man could sing and croon with the best of them (and was in Beetlejuice and Scrooged), but rose to greater infamy for our generation as “that guy Will Ferrell imitates on SNL”. I always wondered what he thought about that, anyway Mr. Goulet passed away last October, so rest in moustache heaven, Robert Goulet.

Chuck Norris – Although he’s sported a beard for quite some time now, the badass aura Chuck began, of course, rocking the stache.

Ned Flanders – Homer may hate him and Maude may be dead, but the one thing that lives on is the thing we love about Ned, that mustache.

1980s Top 40 Adult Contemporary: Lionel Richie and John Oates - If you didn’t like Oates’ stache, you’re out of touch and I’m of time. As for Lionel, it sum up his mustache is easy, easy like Sunday morning. The mustaches are both gone, but you can easily relive them on WEBE 108 or wherever cheese and guilty pleasures are sold.

Charles Bronson – Before you get your Death Wish, the last thing you’ll remember is his mustache.

Pat O’ Brien – Once respected 80s sports analyst turned rehab-stinting Anna Nicole/Britney updater. Maybe his voice wouldn’t be as nasally if he shaved, maybe that’s a chance we are never willing to take.

Every Awesome Dad Ever – My dad has one, maybe yours does too and they are awesome for maintaining it.

Unhonorable Mention: Adolf Hitler – No, I am not twisted from trying to include him, but it is interesting to note that he was so evil he has the one mustache that NO ONE will ever replicate (outside of Halloween, impersonators, and Laurel & Hardy conventions).

So what have learned through all of this? One thing I learned is that I have not or may not ever possibly see an American President with a mustache in my lifetime. Why because they are just way too relaxed, cool, tough, and importantly real men. When I find that special lady, we have some kids and settle in, one thing is for sure, the stache is coming back. After all ladies, who wouldn’t want a mustache ride?

The Mustachio Bashio: A Top 10 Journey Through Hair Part 1

2008-02-21T16:01:00.000-08:00

Ah, the mustache. There’s something almost comforting about it. My 1980’s heroes had them, my dad has one, and most of my friends’ dads have them as well. Even I had one for around three years. So where are they now?? They were all the rave in the 70s and 80s and were a trademark of the All-American-Man. “So guy, if you love ‘em so much why don’t you just grow one,” you may be saying as you read this. Truth is, I got no nookie partly because of my stache. In my young and naïve way of thinking, I thought only the “coolest dudes” were to have hair above their upper lip. Yet few chill people had them in my high school class, it was pretty much just me and two Indian kids. The only reason they had mustaches is because their facial hair was so out of control they had no choice. Even if they shaved, it’d be back by lunch anyway. As for me, well I accidentally nipped it while trimming and had to shave off the whole thing as a result. After several not-so-prosperous years of having that facial hair, many of my friends, peers, and the female persuasion by and large agreed I was better off without my hairy confidant (I laughed as I typed that). But why?!? Well, after conducting some focus groups and just plain showing girls my freshman year college ID (they made me keep the same picture all 5 ½ years), today’s young women DO NOT want the mustache. Well, screw off; I’m giving you 10 reasons, nay, 10 people that are icons because of their mustaches.

10) Alex Trebek – Here’s a perfect example of the mustache making the man. Throughout the majority of his quiz show tenure he has proudly sported his pepper-gray stache. Then, inexplicably, it was gone. But, oh yes, the memory remains. So much so that every time Will Ferrell partook in the Jeopardy parody on SNL, he wore the mustache. Why you ask? Well because it just would have been Will Ferrell trying to be the host of Jeopardy as opposed to an easily identifiable Trebek. I was hoping Ken Jennings was going to keep that winning streak going until Trebek agreed to grow it back. Alas, it was not to be, but I still think he’ll grow it back someday.

9) The Brawny Man – Let me be clear, THE Brawny Man, the one we all remember. I know there is a newer, younger hairless chap (once again why today’s newer, younger woman hates the excess hair, so there’s forced change) on the cover of today’s paper towels, but I’m talking about the sandy-brown haired beast that scared some kids in their infantile stages. Was I scared? A little, when I was very young. Did I respect him? More than words could do justice. That mustache was the real quicker, picker upper, folks.

8) MLB-Tie - Rollie Fingers/Keith Hernandez – There were so many great mustaches in Major League Baseball, but even if it was before your time, Rollie has the one stache that is the most striking. Curled-up and looking right out of the early 1900s, its so iconic it’s scary. As for Keith Hernandez, he was an 80s man, with an 80s stache which he reminds us every time you see a Just For Men hair commercial. However, he is a Met and kind of a jerk, so I respect him, but only as much as I can respect a Met.

7) Top Gun – How does a movie get on the list? Easy, there are two key mustaches here. There’s the big dog, the wily veteran Cmdr. Mike 'Viper' Metcalf, played by Tom Skerrit, who of course leads with an iron mustache. Then there were the hairless younger guys. This is how I imagine it went down: Director, Jerry Bruckheimer, “Ok one of you guys needs a mustache and damn it, we can’t cover Tom’s face, he’s the money maker and Val doesn’t need it. Anthony Edwards, you ain’t a vengeful nerd anymore, grow a mustache and be Goose…and die.” Alright, maybe that’s not exactly how it was discussed, but even if Goose’s facial hair is a bit unsettling in 2008, it was perfectly fine back in 1986, he even bagged a young, attractive Meg Ryan in the flick. You could do anything (or anyone) with the power of the mustache.

6) Mario - Speaking of death, one mustache that will never die is Mario. Yes, Super Mario who was a staple of my adolescence and continues to be for new generations of video gamers. Sonic the Hedgehog may have had is blow-out, Mega Man had his arm-canon/ helmet combo, and Pac-Man may have a, uh, mouth but Mario still manages to make classic games in his perfect over-the-top, over stereotyped Italian-mustached way.

So, this is all a bit to take in (and let's build some minor suspense), so the top five will be saved for the next post. Who made it? Why no love for Luigi? Don't worry more drama comin' in Part 2...

My Friend Phil….and Why I Hate Him

2008-02-20T15:54:00.000-08:00

Hate? What do I hate? Who do I hate? The answer lies in our blog administrator….

Well, hate is a strong word but it gives the title that extra zing. Speaking of zing, let me tell you about this guy I know named Phil and why we are even friends. So I meet this kid when he was 15, whist I was 18 (and had a killer stache, but that’s another blog). We started off hating each other (truth be told it was on my end because I’m a bitter asshole). So we are at lame graduation party, wasted eating cake. The party ends, I hear of an after party, and inquire about going. I am greeted with a, “Shut the fuck up!” Of course it was from Phil. I brood in silence. I hate this punk. I just wanted to go to the after party. We never went to that after party and Phil would be a major part of what would be the best summer of my life (2001: A 4B Odyssey or the Summer of Love, whichever you wish). Our mutual love of good hip-hop, amputee boxing (remember that?), girls, CKY and Jackass-related forms of comedy, underage drinking (and other forms of getting wasted), and Jiminy Glick (I still can’t say the word “wonderful” without doing a raspy Glick voice) gave us a wonderful common ground for a prosperous and treacherous friendship.

So in the years that followed, Phil dressed really preppy, killed a lot of brain cells, and eventually wound up in a boys’ reform school (as we still call it Bad Kids’ Camp). We were decent friends, but at this point, I really wouldn’t care if the guy ran off to Mexico and started banging cattle. Soon he moved a mere 10 minutes away from me and it’s been great times, but we have got to hate on the shmuck. So, let’s get to just some of his many phases:

Sure, there’s been preppy (previously alluded to), occupational (shit, everyone wants to be something awesome until they realize what a loser they really are, Phil was no exception), line cook, snowboarder, and my personal favorite…METAL.

Sometime in the year 2005, Phil decided, “Fuck brody, I don’t just like metal I LOVE ITITIT!!!” Thus, a new Phil was born. Watching Phil lose his mind (and hair in the form of a mohawk) into a phenomenal genre of music, while temporary roommate Jay had to deal with this and sweep up Phil’s excess man-hair was a hilarious site to behold. In fact, it should have been a sitcom. It would have been the millennium version of Perfect Strangers. Speaking of Perfect Strangers, I think that could some up both of us in terms of our love of metal. I am Larry, calm, quiet, knowledgeable fan of metal, with an incredibly short fuse. Phil is Balki, an idiot. Looks and dresses stupid (ugh, those Travis Barker hoodies, come on Phil), but heart is in the right place. I digress, so there are many ways to show your love of heavy metal. You can really love the music, start a band and have the ballsy idea to make that your job forever while being a success. You can also just be a really big fan, write for a magazine, or have a semi-serious, yet light-hearted band (Tenacious D). Or you can be Phil and make the proclamation that you simply ARE metal without actually winning any actual contests or awards to prove so. Instead, he’s managed to obnoxiously rub it in all of his remaining friends’ faces and play music as loudly as possible. Do I think Phil is metal? Absolutely, if by metal you mean being born with a Silver Spoon in you mouth. But I guess by that way of thinking, Ricky Schroader is metal too. Ah, but wait tattoos make the metal and Phil’s got ‘em. Ask him how he paid for them and maybe you’ll get one too (when daddie comes back from the colonies, meh). So is this “metal” thing just a phase? If it still annoys my other friends and he stays true to the form, I sincerely hope it’s his way of life.

So, it is a new year, and a new phase must come. It has and it is in the form of snowboarding. I think snowboarding looks really fun and takes a degree of patience and skill to master (not as much athleticism as our tubby administrator would have you believe). So a couple of his old friends have moved away and thus, the snowboarding circle of trust has opened up a spot. Phil has jumped at the chance like a homeless dog in heat and is now a snowboarder this year. Sure, I’ve made fun of the boy for “shredding,” but it is because he deserves it for mentioning it every five minutes. Do I care? Not so much. Am I jealous? I am as jealous of snowboarders as much as I am jealous of firefighters. I don’t like too much heat and I don’t like too much cold. I am a rather lukewarm individual. Since this is a hate blog and not a bitch blog (and pretty much the only ones that read this are Phil and some other guy anyway), let’s safely tuck this blogredy up. Phil…

He’s a jerk. He’s out of shape. He gave me LESS food when he was a line cook at a local rib joint. He’ll shower only when he has too. His driving scares all my other friends. You stand the chance of getting arrested just hanging out with him. He listens to music too loudly and doesn’t care about your headache. He controls the TV like a modern day Hitler. He’s an Atheist. He talks too loud. He eats too much. He’s lazy. He’s unemployed most of the time. He never has much cash on him, but stands to inherit millions. He’ll tell you what an awesome time he had when you weren’t there…and painstakingly regurgitate every last detail of said “awesome time.” Yet I trust him with my life. He is one of my best friends. I guess the biggest compliment I can pay him is that I wrote a hateblog on him. Phil, I hate your guts like a brother. God bless. Oh, wait that Atheist thing, Bob Denver was an Atheist too, so Gilligan Bless.

Don’t worry Johnnyboy, you’ll get yours one day too…