Were you there? 9/11 Tribute

As a Christian, I have heard the hymn, "Were You There" many times. It is usually sung during the Veneration of the Cross on Good Friday service in my Parish. I am sure, many of you have heard it. It is haunting and solemn. The way it should be. Recently, however, I have listened to the lyrics and paid closer attention. So, on this ten year anniversary of the most horrific attack on our American soil, I ask the Lord; were you there?

Were you there, when the planes were hijacked? When the innocent faces of the passengers turned from the dull gaze of a plane trip to the terrified stares of a confused people?

Were you there when the first tower was hit? Did you feel the anguish of the lives that ended too suddenly?

Were you there when the second tower was hit? Did you feel the anguish of yet another group of people who's lives ended before their time should have been up?

Were you there in Pennsylvania and Washington when the planes took more lives? Were you there when the United States of America was brought to its knees by the misguided hatred of those who swore to serve your mission on Earth? A mission that humans manufactured in order to serve a purpose born of hate.

Were you there when the towers collapsed and buried their sons and daughter under tons of debris?

Did you hear the prayers of those who jumped from such a great height?

Did you hear the prayers of the families left behind who begged you to let their wives, husbands, daughters, sons, aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews, friends, co-workers, live?

Were you there when the terrorists screamed your name in invocation of the murder of thousands?

Are you present in the tears of the families who will never see their loved ones again?

Were you there when we cried and begged you to make it stop?

Are you here now?

Does our pain still ring in your Spirit?

Do you feel us when we give up on you?

Do you try to bring us back to you?

Are you listening?

Do you know why I feel it is alright to be angry with you sometimes?

Because I know that you will always forgive me.

But...

Sometimes,

It causes me to tremble.

9/11

Roids For Jay!

The Lovely Bastards Podcast 2: Super Bowl Shuffling/Audio Fun

Better late than never...join The Bastards as we review the Super Bowl as special guest Peyton Manning drops by. Plus disturbing tales of our pal Drew along with some fun with real audio.

He’s White, He’s Loud, He’s Conservative…

No, I’m not talking about Rush Limbaugh either. I’m talking the lazy co-author of this blog.

Truth be told, I’m half white, fully loud and I respect a man that can say he’s right wing (and makes sense like a Dennis Miller for example). My problem with him is, while self-deprecating at times, he is proud. Being an only child, the gap of having human contact has been replaced with John’s ethnic pride.

Don’t get me wrong, if it were national, honest, too stupid to be wrong American pride, I’d be on board. If he drove a Chevy Silverado and brandished a 2x4 everywhere he went, he’d be an icon, like this dude…

 

As it stands he’s Irish. A lot of my best friends are Irish…and they piss me off. While, St. Patrick wasn’t even Irish, the “holiday” is an excuse to get drunk, have a parade and drive tourism. I have no problem with the Irish fabricating a holiday just to get more loaded than usual. Kiss me I’m Irish, ladies? No thanks, you probably have a swollen, clotted, gin blossom of a nose, a gut and some form of depression that will kill my buzz and libido. Oh and fellas, when you realize you better “cash in” on you (mis)forutune of being Irish and try to score with the ladies and inevitably strike out, you’ll try to start a fight and, of course, ruin everyone’s time around you, not unlike the Italians.

But back to John, nationalities aside (which we’ll get back to shortly), he really dislikes the decade in which he was conceived and born…the 1980s.

Keep in mind that he hated high school (started in the 90s) all the way to present. I’m pretty sure he’d hate the 70s and complain about disco…he’s essentially has the perpetual disposition of a male (or just) Penny Marshall. While I shout, shout, shout it out loud that the 80s where a decade of big hair and even bigger guilty pleasures, Johnnyboy screams, “Feh!”

When talking about the movies of the 80s, Johnboy says,

The Breakfast Club - I wanted every kid in that library to die. The Big Chill - I wanted everyone in that house to die. Rain Man - I wanted everyone in that casino to die. Top Gun - I wanted everyone in that plane to die, and got lucky by getting to watch one crap out. Back To The Future - I wanted everyone in 1955 to die. I don't think I need to go on.

He wants everyone to die. That’s for comedic shock value, right? Not quite, let it be known that ole Johnnyboy is actually half Russian and this pretty much falls in line with the country’s sentiments in the 1980s.

If I were to sit my 5 year old nephew down and have him watch 80s tv and movies, he’d probably hate Russia. President Reagan told us they were the evil empire. The 1980s US Olympic hockey team defeated the evil Russians in one of the most iconic sports moments in history. Ivan Drago took steroids, kills Apollo Creed, then gets pummeled by Rocky on Christmas and eventually Russia turns on Drago. Even Russia knows they are evil. But John doesn’t think he is evil and he damn well should. If tar and feathering could still exist, may Johnyboy be the first.

God Bless America and the Happiest of Belated Birthdays to one of the funniest pricks I know.

 -JF

Tiny Bauco

Recently, my old pal Johnnyboy got into a Twitter-war with his buddy, Gentle Ken. Ken is a longtime partyer, but trying to keep a clean professional image on Twitter of all places...naturally John chose to tease him until he was blocked. So, who won? Well Ken looks a lot like Elton John, so let this video sway your vote.



Face it, you love that scene in Almost Famous...unless you're John, he hates everything.

-JF

The Fixie Bike Craze

Well this post may raise the ire of some people. A few which I know on a first name basis. I harbor no ill will towards them and I think everyone should have interests. Schizophrenics have pacing, the obsessive compulsives have washing their hands, mathletes have masturbation and the chronically dull have fixie bicycles. Don't know what a fixie is? Well you lucky devil you... here is a picture...Take a look at that. It's what the product of an incestuous relationship between one of Dr. Seuss's nightmares and one of his wet dreams would look like. This notwithstanding, scads of young people have taken to this nonsense like flies to shit ; which truly is the perfect analogy. It is a bicycle my friends, no more, no less. The bicycle which for all intents and purposes is a lovely creation stemming from the need to get around is nothing more than a mode of transportation. In some instances it is used for competitive sport and in others, for exercise. Some people like to just take a leisurely ride on a Sunday afternoon in the warmer months. Yet my generation for some reason has decided that this utilitarian way of getting around has to be artistic. It HAS to be, or else the passion would be exposed for what it is ; a hobby.

The sad truth folks is that when people look back a hundred years from now they will look at this generation as a group of people who were pissed off that they had nothing to be pissed off about and that was so bereft of anything truly inspirational that they tacked, "art" on to anything they could find. Biking counter-culture? For the love of God why? The cynical need for everyone to have their own niche is getting frustrating to the point of angering. Must everything have a counter-culture attached to it? From now on I'm going to gussy up my Q-Tips. Dye them, maybe import synthetic materials to form the swabs. OH OH OH I know... I'll get groups of other depressing fuckers who cling to these hobbies for the fact that they are personally boring and need these pursuits to have something to talk about together, and we can swap stories about particularly "gnraly" veins of earwax we had "shredded." I will call them, "Tipsy's' and it will become the next sensation! It's not too far from the truth.

Is there merit to the fixie bike craze? You'd think that I would say no but you'd be wrong. There is a tremendous amount of merit to it and the most glaring kernel of merit is this ; it keeps these kinds of people away from me and from other like minded people who don't have their heads in the clouds about bicycles or sing songs about Druids. I suppose that anything that inspires you to the point of creativity or passion is meritorious. That being said, I am smarter than you and thus my opinions hold much more water. To then end this post after the last point... save yourselves youth of America, contribute your piss an' vinegar to something that really matters, find hobbies that don't make others point and stare... and get some fucking jobs.

-Johnnyboy

Grab Back, Fight and F***

Who doesn't want to be back in their glory days? I for one, miss them more than anything. For me, they were quickly arrived and even more quickly gone. I wont go through the guts of the days I miss, because frankly, they are my memories and I want to keep them as such. Just think back for a moment... to your fondest years. Soak those memories in and then open your eyes. How can I forgive myself for letting them go by so quickly?

Songs flood my memory, images, instances, feelings of immense happiness and dread. Sometimes all the same. Where are those faces that run past my mind's eye at this moment? All alive but yet some are dead, truly. Some of those faces are gone. Never really gone though because I am thinking about them and writing about them. Can I be angry at myself because I never said some of the things I should have said when the time was right? No. The time wasn't right then, but now it is past due. So my apologies and thank yous are in the mail . Better late than never right?

Warm Summers gave way to cold Winters, yet ups and downs not withstanding the seasons were and are just as vibrant and alive in my mind as memories from earlier today. Something had to make them stand out. Skating with Scofield and Dro (may he rest in peace in God's hands) behind Border's in the parking garage, and that weird puddle, Phil and his old house with my best friends watching Prime Time Glick, Jon's old house in Bridgeport which to this day even though he no longer lives there I would NEVER, ever beep my horn in front of, Kevin's basement and writing songs which were played live to kids by myself and my old band who will never remember the night they heard our efforts nor felt our nervousness, kisses, kickflips, 40's, Saabs, mix CD's, addresses, faces, names, numbers, faces, parties, beers, shots, blunts, smiles, instances, faces, time, memories.... I'll never be there again. I just thank God that they're all in my head and I pray not for salvation, but that those memories never leave.

And maybe that is salvation. Who knows?

-John

About the Lovely Bastards; and Why You Should Listen to our Podcasts

Greetings. Jon eluded to the man-hours it takes to put this amazing oasis of literary gold on the Internet. For the first time ever. we are going to show you step by step how it's done. First off a little background on the Lovely Bastards themselves.

By: Graham D. Dee

John M. and Jon F. have been associates since they attended high school together in the late 1990's. They met whilst playing truly inspirational baseball for their beloved, Crowszerton High School for Gifted Fellas High School, High School.

In the Summer of 2001, John and Jon had a run in with a gang of skate-boarders and the two quickly became interested in all forms of roller-sports. After being exposed to such music as Camp Kill Yourself, Deftones, Hed pe, Nonpoint and other forms of angry white boy music, the two realized that they had a very different view of the reality which we all see around us. They hated it! After brief stints in and out of prison, Jon eventually trained and became a very influential and elusive abortion doctor. He currently resides in Connecticut and blogs about his brutal calling. After commercial success with his DVD series, "Celebrity look-alike 'Bortions" Jon decided it was time to leave the placenta behind and concentrate more on his beloved writing and disturbing hair. Here is the latest portrait painted of Jon, during his effeminate years

John has found major success in his drinking and slow procession to an early grave which he so dearly desires. As of now, no presentable photo of John is available and he likes it that way. Pathetic, he has taken to furious bouts of masturbation which leave him weak and unable to clean up. His friend and trusted colleague J. Son, : "I don't know, ya know. He's a beautiful guy, mind, body, soul and body. His powerful hands really have a power to them, I don't know.... ya know." At present neither heads nor tails can be made of this string of non-sequitors. John enjoys such hobbies as, writing imaginary dialogue for his two cats, siphoning whiskey through his penis and sneezing at babies.

The Lovely Bastards, which are almost a year old, is the offshoot blog of a former blog which in the end was a waste of time. The owner of said blog has fallen into a deep depression since the two intrepid authors declared their Independence and began their own page. He is currently the President of the Hamden Chapter of Diner Waitress-obsessed Zoophiles, or the "tan ten" as they are known. The Bastards, take huge amounts of time out of their lives to create and bring to you, FOR FREE, they might add, excellent literature, poetry and voice-entertainment.

The Bastards do most of their work here,

Once an idea is given ample attention, it is then decided if it, "has legs." Most of them do and it is then off to the races. The two will feverishly work on their prose until it fits their most demanding standards. Then, it is allowed to become a bonafide Lovely Bastards blog post. The podcasts, are another story all together. To hear what goes into an LB pcast, you must listen to the boys as they broadcast CONSTANTLY.

Yes the boys have come a long way and in other ways, little or no progress has been made. They will however keep on trucking and we can only thank God for that.

-G. D. Dee

Internet…As Defined By a Lovely Bastard

When I am not finding new ways to stick it to The Man, I oft contribute to this blog. Hmm, I guess I haven’t posted in a while. On second glance, I haven’t posted in a long while. I suppose that I have been sticking it to The Man a whole lot these days. With good reason I might add! Simply by looking at our title graphic, we love our music and movies ‘round here. Thanks to technology, I have been finding newer quicker ways to get the music, movies and television I so desire at my fingers through any means necessary (except anally, that’s just not practical, you sick fuck).

All you have to do is YouTube a video tutorial and you can find what you want without even having to read much…


This is because of Internet. Internet has dictated how we ignore others, watch sexual acts that I dare not try on a lady before 3 or more drinks, reconnect with old train wrecks and talk shit about (un)loved ones we only wish the worst.

Internet is also what helps keep me employed and provides the means I need to post my essential opinions to this Information Superhighway. While this post may turn out to be a bit on the short side, I want you all to know that writing a blog is truly hard work that takes many grueling hours. It is severe and unrelenting task and I want to give you all a little window into our blog infrastructure with this hi-resolution photo of Johnnyboy, myself and “the gang” hard at work. Enjoy…

Oh Internet, how I love thee.

-JF

Some Resolutions

Well Happy New Year I guess... so far none of the resolutions that I decided for myself have been working out. That's ok. I feel that I'm pretty perfect as it is, and it's you, the reader who needs to shape up to fit my specific needs. That's a topic for another post though, without further ado... some resolutions which I will actually TRY to make a reality.



1. Watch Jersey Shore Religiously

And why not? The girls are hot, except for Snooki and there is nothing more satisfying in our modern world of feminism and progressive thought than to hear a big, hulking neanderthal with a thick (put on) NY accent call girls, "creatures." I'm not Italian and as someone with Irish blood, I'm pretty happy that I'm not. In fact the Irish and the Italians don't really like each other. That being said, I love these guys. There's a fight every episode! Snooki has had her clock cleaned twice in three weeks! It's great stuff. If anyone says that there arent anymore extreme forms of entertainment like feeding people to lions, or gladiator fights... show them this freak show. By the way... the hot chick on the show, J-WOWW, with the huge fake boobs who wants a "guido"... her last name is Farley. Sorry Guiseppe go dunk your balls in some "gravy."



2. Watch Teen Mom Religiously

And why not? Once again, it's a freak show. MTV has really upped the anty with these horrible, yet addictive shows. I love this show for the simple fact that it makes me feel better about my life. I'm not a teenager anymore, but at least I don't have a fuckin kid. Also it's a great show to drink to... and yes by the end of each episode we're all talking about which one we'd bang. Plus when we watch the show, there is usually a moment in every episode where the obese chick with the squinty eyes cries, and that's just TV magic. There is something about watching that land-whale bawl that warms my heart and makes me smile. The sad thing here is the kids will all grow up to be awful wastes of life who will end up killing their mother's for exploiting their statuses as bastards during their infancy's. Oh man even better, when is it gonna be Tuesday????



3. Use a Chainsaw

And why not? I feel like a man should own a chainsaw. I don't really have any trees to cut down, but if one crops up, what the hell am I gonna do? Use an axe like my great great great granpappy did? Hell no, homey don't play that. I also want to get a picture of me wielding the chainsaw in a menacing fashion. So really, all I need is a camera and a chainsaw for like two minutes. If anyone out there could hook that up, that'd be dynamite. Get back to me.



In the end folks, I have a pretty good feeling about these three little resolutions. What will 2010 bring us? Last year, we had alot of celebrity deaths, our young energetic President didn't do a single thing he said he was going to do, the war in Afghanistan got worse, more jobs were lost, people got poorer and I got a really bad sunburn on vacation. I have a feeling it will be more of the same this year, but as long as I have television, alcohol and my best of the Monkees CD, I'll be all set. As for you, dear reader, I could care less, just don't bother me while I'm watching my stories.