Alright here's some stuff that REALLY pisses me off... or at least it's been pissing me off recently.
1. Cal Ripken
What the fuck is there to like about this guy??? Because he played alot of baseball games in a row??? Wow what a TEAM player. This guy is the quintessential bad sportsman. Everyone likes to talk about his streak, but no one talks about the games where he was nothing more than a balding, hulking, old, doughy faced drip out there sucking it up for the O's... and hindering the team. "Hmm.. Cal can you play today, you don't look very good, I mean you're bleeding pretty profusely from the eyes, nose, ears, ass and mouth." SURE I CAN!!! Nice record asshole. There is no I in team, unless you played for the O's in the 80's, then there was ... it was called Cal Ripken
2. Soccer
Heres and Idea for a sport... We get a bunch of guys and a ball, follow me so far? Ok so we all run around a HUGE field, I mean big, like almost TOO big.. you still with me? Ok so here's the best part, we try to kick said ball into a net! I'M SERIOUS!! We totally kick the fuck out of it and try to get it in the net... oh and we can't use our hands. "Well... we'll anybody guard the net?" OH FUCK YEAH!!! A guy will def be there and get this... HE can use his hands. Dude your mind is so blown right now! "Alright well... what happens if no one scores, or it's tied?" I knew you'd ask that... if that happens we get to totally kick it at the net! "So the game is alot of running and then at the end if its tied we make the game ridiculously easy to end it?" Exactly dude, exactly. "Ok well what if we still cant score, and the other team can't score either?" You ready for this man?? We go home... I swear dude we just end the game. TIE GAME MAN!! EVERYONE WINS!!! "I'm gonna go home and smash my head open with a balpeen hammer." HOLY SHIT BRO!! I WAS DOING THAT ALL MORNING AND THEN I CAME UP WITH SOCCER!!
3. Hippies
Take a shower, cut your hair, stop listening to music which was created years ago to rebel against people like yourselves and get a fucking job. If anything, the music of the 60's and 70's was all about expression, and not following the crowd... so how better to celebrate that music than dressing like that guy at the cafe who's always grinning, growing dreadlocks, and saying "man" after everything. Get over yourself douchebag you drive an SUV.
4. Sandals
Nothing like the look, or smell of feet. Especially in the summer... when you naturally sweat more. Feet are hideous. Sorry girls, you can paint them, wash them, scrub them, whatever you do to them and their still going to be gross. No one wants to look at them. Guys... what the fuckin hell are you thinking? "Well Johnnyboy, its comfortable." Go fuck yourself that's a load of horseshit. Have you ever seen a guy keeled over of wincing in pain and anguish? I'm sure most of us have at one time or another... Now imagine that guy... you walk over, and ask him if he's alright. Now imagine you hear him reply with, "AHHH MY FEET ARE HOT!!" I know that personally I would probably pee on the guy, or at least break a thumb or two.
5. Frisbee
I'd like to think that we've come pretty far as a group... yet we're still bewildered by a fuckin lime green plastic plate. You know what I do when someone tosses me a Frisbee? I take it and purposely launch it in the wrong direction. After a couple of tosses like that, whoever is throwing me the stupid thing gets the point and we can move on to wiffle ball. "But dude its fun!" So is jerking off but I don't do it at picnics. Get a new hobby Mongo.
More soon but I'm tired... there's another thing that pisses me off, being tired. I'll talk about that some other time.
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
I Think That’s The Tops…List!
The last list I created was a truly a pain. It was a Top Ten that provoked a lot of thought and effort on my part. That’s not what this blog is all about. This time, I’ve decided to branch out with multiple categories and just create the top “what-have-you” in said category. Without any further dissertation on this, let’s get right into the scary…
Top Woman I Be Intimidated To Have Sex With
Jamie Lee Curtis – Now, I know what you Macho Men are thinking, “He just can’t fit his winky in her pinky, uhuh.” No, I’m cool on that front, hell a very early me had a very early boner from watching Ms. Lee Curtis show her tits in Trading Places (still do). While she seemed like a happy hooker in that flick, it’s the real woman that has scared me. My old man gets AARP magazine (not a bad read for bad shits) and JLC “bares all” from the shoulder up and one thing’s for sure: I’m still frightened. Congrats, she still has a great body and all, but looking at those menacing, wincing eyes, that now pepper grey short hair cut, and that stiff upper lip still makes my dick cringe in fear. What would it be like to have sex with Jamie Lee Curtis? I assume there is NO foreplay whatsoever and I’d probably have to be fully clothed (assuming she is disgusted by all men) with only my fly open for penis access. It is a rather militant operation that lasts as long as Ms. Curtis sees fit. During the whole thing she is probably watching the WE Channel or Monster Truck races very loudly and since Gravedigger doesn’t turn me on that much, I’m in big trouble. For the life of me, I better keep this thing up before she clenches together and rips my junk right off. After I receive a few black eyes and JLC angrily gets off, a report card of what I did right and mostly wrong is received, as I lay in the fetal position and I feel like less of a man because of the whole experience. The other reason I Jamie Lee Curtis scares me? I don’t go for dudes (sorry Sigourney Weaver).
Sigourney Sidenote: I have to admit feeling weird for thinking Sigourney Weaver was hot in Ghostbusters considering she turned into what we all thought she was in the first place: a monster.
Top Douchebag I Should Hate, But Secretly Admire
Bret Michaels – Glam Rock to me is the metal equivalent for disco, but I kind of respect the guy. He was the first rocker to bang Pamela Anderson (Tommy Lee and Kid Rock are still fighting over his sloppies). He’s stayed true to his shit form of rock and it’s worked. Bret is an idiot, a douche, a womanizer and doesn’t stray away from that stigma. He’s parlayed it into a reality show and now new generations that were in diapers when Poison was on the charts want to jump his bones. As I look in my closet at my played-out obnoxious Ed Hardy polo, I see a little Bret Michaels in me. Straight men of America can all see Bret in them figuratively. Women of Rock of Love have seen Bret in them literally.
Jordan Bratman (the guy who knocked up Christina Aguilera) – He impregnated one of the hottest, actually talented pop stars and he as neck flab! He’s worse-looking and in worse shape than me. Good for him. Thanks for the hope, Brat Man.
Top Casting for a Crazy Homeless Guy
Top Woman I Be Intimidated To Have Sex With
Jamie Lee Curtis – Now, I know what you Macho Men are thinking, “He just can’t fit his winky in her pinky, uhuh.” No, I’m cool on that front, hell a very early me had a very early boner from watching Ms. Lee Curtis show her tits in Trading Places (still do). While she seemed like a happy hooker in that flick, it’s the real woman that has scared me. My old man gets AARP magazine (not a bad read for bad shits) and JLC “bares all” from the shoulder up and one thing’s for sure: I’m still frightened. Congrats, she still has a great body and all, but looking at those menacing, wincing eyes, that now pepper grey short hair cut, and that stiff upper lip still makes my dick cringe in fear. What would it be like to have sex with Jamie Lee Curtis? I assume there is NO foreplay whatsoever and I’d probably have to be fully clothed (assuming she is disgusted by all men) with only my fly open for penis access. It is a rather militant operation that lasts as long as Ms. Curtis sees fit. During the whole thing she is probably watching the WE Channel or Monster Truck races very loudly and since Gravedigger doesn’t turn me on that much, I’m in big trouble. For the life of me, I better keep this thing up before she clenches together and rips my junk right off. After I receive a few black eyes and JLC angrily gets off, a report card of what I did right and mostly wrong is received, as I lay in the fetal position and I feel like less of a man because of the whole experience. The other reason I Jamie Lee Curtis scares me? I don’t go for dudes (sorry Sigourney Weaver).Sigourney Sidenote: I have to admit feeling weird for thinking Sigourney Weaver was hot in Ghostbusters considering she turned into what we all thought she was in the first place: a monster.
Top Douchebag I Should Hate, But Secretly Admire
Bret Michaels – Glam Rock to me is the metal equivalent for disco, but I kind of respect the guy. He was the first rocker to bang Pamela Anderson (Tommy Lee and Kid Rock are still fighting over his sloppies). He’s stayed true to his shit form of rock and it’s worked. Bret is an idiot, a douche, a womanizer and doesn’t stray away from that stigma. He’s parlayed it into a reality show and now new generations that were in diapers when Poison was on the charts want to jump his bones. As I look in my closet at my played-out obnoxious Ed Hardy polo, I see a little Bret Michaels in me. Straight men of America can all see Bret in them figuratively. Women of Rock of Love have seen Bret in them literally.
Top 80's Trainwreck Clip That's Fun To Watch
Corey Haim - The clip says it all and yes Lost Boys 2 is in fact coming out straight-to-DVD with both Coreys (although I question Haim's speaking lines after watching this).
Top Person I Enjoy Seeing Get Fat
Al Gore – I’m 25, I’m in relatively good shape, it just comforts me knowing that he’s getting bigger and I’m getting thinner. Moving on…
Top 2 Guys I’d Like See An Enemy Stuck In An Elevator With
David Lee Roth and Flava Flav – Sure, you might be thinking, “I can party with these guys. I like hip-hop and rock, I can have a great time with these guys.” Ugh, that’s what I first thought. Imagine being totally sober in an elevator. In comes David Lee Roth. Awesome, right! Wrong. I love DLR as much as any fan of Van Halen, but think about how obnoxious he’d be. Highsteping and kicking like a Rockette, all the while making incomprehensible scat noises (bippy-bop!) and such. He’s wasted with a bottle of something really expensive, doesn’t want to share that bottle, and tells you he is the reason Van Halen is successful again (foreshadowing yet another break-up). Then when things couldn’t get any worse on this excruciating elevator of death, in walks Flava Flav. Yelling and screaming and not making any sense, his gigantic clock (and maybe glock as well) make the ride more claustrophobic than Diamond Dave’s highstepping ever was. So Flav’s yelling and Dave making mocking kissy lips with a victim sandwiched in between...I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy (who am I kidding, I would wish much worse). Bippy-boop, indeed.
Top Story We Need To Get Over Forever
Yo Roids! 
Watching Barry Bonds cheat his way past Hank Aaron’s record and see his massive head (dome, not just ego) inflate grotestly is disgusting. Did Roger Clemens do it? His stats reached an all-time peak after the Red Sox stint, coincidentally when he is being accused are being of enhancing performance. While I thought he was a bad-ass throwing a broken bat at fumanchu wearing Mike Piazza (the Pizza-Man was always a little light on his feet anyway), there was some roid-raging going on there. The debate remains…should they be in the Hall of Fame in Cooperstown? I say without a doubt, absolutely 100%. I think half of Roger Clemens should be there for real reasons, while Barry Bonds should get his own wing, possibly in a bathroom, utility closet, or how about just a hole (think Silence of the Lambs-ish). Throw Cancesco (whose name Spellcheck wanted to correct to “cancers”, how fitting) in there, Sosa, hell even Palmeiro. Why, you ask? I graduated the eighth grade and high school along with five and a half years of college…barely. One of my teachers senior year of high school wrote: “Close Call” (asshole Mr. Wright). In grammar school, I made first and later second honors six years in a row. Alright, so I hit puberty and did nothing for the next six years academic wise. Did my father praise me? No, I got the “you barely made it so we don’t care about your previous accomplishments.” That’s how it should be in baseball. While the halls of academia have honored me with a piece of paper, my family did not let me forget how I screwed up in the past. That’s what life is: a series of trials and errors. Create the Bonds Wing in Cooperstown so we all have a place to piss freely and throw our garbage. Hatredy Sidenote: Fuck Barry Bonds.
Top Guy To Really Overachieve With Women (aka the Lyle Lovitt 2008 Award)
Jordan Bratman (the guy who knocked up Christina Aguilera) – He impregnated one of the hottest, actually talented pop stars and he as neck flab! He’s worse-looking and in worse shape than me. Good for him. Thanks for the hope, Brat Man.
Top Casting for a Crazy Homeless Guy
Jerry Lewis (Law and Order) - From Jerry’s Kids to Jerry’s, uh, Shit. “Got any spare change, glaven.” And he was a murder suspect too! Ah, the hilarity. A small part of me would find it hilarious if it were real too. Somewhere in heaven Dean Martin is laughing. Ain’t that a kick in the head.
Top (Former) Fat Guy That I Gave Up Hating
Jared from Subway – It was one of the first “healthy” aimed commercials for fast food and he was (still is) all over their marketing. I grew tired of him. Then South Park parodied him. That was six years ago. His real ads have been running for nearly 10 YEARS. I got my license, lost my virginity, graduated high school, graduated college, saw a few deaths, saw a few births, moved, and had a few jobs all the while this guy has stayed true to his diet and hocked these fucking subs on us. I give up, keep pimping out those hoagies Jared.
Top Disturbing Thing I’d Like To Do
Punch a really, really hot girl in the face – Think of the scenario, guys. You’re drunk. You’re frisky. You’re courageous. You decide to spit game at a girl that’s way out of your league. Then she rejects you, cold. Not even the old “I have to catch up with my friends” bit. Just plain rude to you. Your friends saw the whole thing. Your confidence is shattered. It ruins your night (until the next drink). Picture the same scenario: rejected. Let’s make it worse, her mini-van shaped friend laughs in your face too. That’s okay guy, you’ve got the power of the punch! She laughs at you, so you deck her square in her face. Your buddy then throws his drink in the fat friend’s face. Then security escorts them out in a huff. You win. Perfect. Actually, I am firmly against violence against women, so let’s just have a dog pounce them instead. Oh and let’s stop making those slutty kissy faces!!!
Sorry Phil...
So I just read the bowl of gizz that my colleague Phil has posted about his love for Hulu. If you haven't read it yet, please do now, or this post wont make much sense. Let me explain why I'm flaming his post. Couple weeks back, Phil and I were on our way back from NYC and he was telling me about this great new site where they had EVERY MOVIE AND TV SHOW YOU COULD THINK OF!!!!! Every show I named, every movie I named... Phil assured me I could find it on Hulu. He told me how it was a relatively new site and he had just discovered it... now this SHOULD have sent up red flags in my mind but at the time I didn't think about what he had just said. We'll get back to that shortly...
So I get myself an account and begin to use the site. There's not much to say about it ... other than the fact that I had been completely lied to. Chock full O Simpsons episodes? Try 3, and they all sucked. Every movie I could think of?? More like 50 and the best one that I could find on the list was "Very Bad Things", which isn't a very good movie. "Dude they have like everything on there, its fuckin awesome, they have alot of shit that you can't find anywhere else." <--- Complete Bullshit. Every show I searched came up with nada. If you're a fan of obscure, hard to find and truly hilarious or for that matter, awesome drama/suspense, Hulu... is not where you want to try to find it. I've found a ton of stuff on Youtube, and three lousy episodes of the Simpsons and a thousand clips from SNL, heres the kicker folks; I don't watch SNL. Great.
I realized shortly afterwards why Phil loved(s) this site so much; because HE found out about it before his group of friends did. That reason alone will fuel his love for it until eventually a brightly colored ball rolls by his window and he decides to chase it. The Hulu brass could fuck his dog with a plunger, break Phil's leg and then force him to fellate a corpse and he'd still think it was "the shit" because HE found out about it before I did, and the site was in its infancy when he did. Now I realize that the site is new, and that its going to take time before more people upload their shit onto it (or however it works) and make it decent, but honestly folks I'm not willing to wait. I have Youtube, I have Limewire, hell I even have netflix... so I don't have to be a Huluboy. Aside from those reasons now I have another reason to hate it.... Phil loves it. That's all I needed.
So I get myself an account and begin to use the site. There's not much to say about it ... other than the fact that I had been completely lied to. Chock full O Simpsons episodes? Try 3, and they all sucked. Every movie I could think of?? More like 50 and the best one that I could find on the list was "Very Bad Things", which isn't a very good movie. "Dude they have like everything on there, its fuckin awesome, they have alot of shit that you can't find anywhere else." <--- Complete Bullshit. Every show I searched came up with nada. If you're a fan of obscure, hard to find and truly hilarious or for that matter, awesome drama/suspense, Hulu... is not where you want to try to find it. I've found a ton of stuff on Youtube, and three lousy episodes of the Simpsons and a thousand clips from SNL, heres the kicker folks; I don't watch SNL. Great.
I realized shortly afterwards why Phil loved(s) this site so much; because HE found out about it before his group of friends did. That reason alone will fuel his love for it until eventually a brightly colored ball rolls by his window and he decides to chase it. The Hulu brass could fuck his dog with a plunger, break Phil's leg and then force him to fellate a corpse and he'd still think it was "the shit" because HE found out about it before I did, and the site was in its infancy when he did. Now I realize that the site is new, and that its going to take time before more people upload their shit onto it (or however it works) and make it decent, but honestly folks I'm not willing to wait. I have Youtube, I have Limewire, hell I even have netflix... so I don't have to be a Huluboy. Aside from those reasons now I have another reason to hate it.... Phil loves it. That's all I needed.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Going Out On A Friday Night In America
I drink more than an IRA hitman living in London... above Scotland Yard. I also smoke cigarettes, and I am in my early, soon to be mid, twenties. Put those three facts together along with a serious escapist mentality, you have someone who like alot of other people, likes to go out on the weekends. When I was in my teens going out was a release. We would go out looking for girls, parties, we'd skateboard in parking lots, try desperately to score beer, some of us smoked weed, some people did other things but all in all it was good ol' fashioned American fun. I live in close proximity to New York City, (about 45 minutes by highway) so that was always an option too. All in all kids in this area, although just as bored as kids in any other area, had a good amount of options. Now I am in my mid twenties and skateboarding would end up with me breaking something, weed puts me to sleep and parties give me the heebie jeebies. I still like chicks though, so hell... I go out. If I didn't have a healthy sex drive I would probably never leave the house. Lets face it, its a hell of a lot cheaper to have your friends come over to drink a case of beer and a handle of whiskey... but you cant fuck your friends.... Well I suppose you could but my friends are ass-ugly and I haven't reached that level of horniness yet. (sorry bro's you're not ugly ... but in my eyes you're all hideous swamp monsters)
So lets go out. Alright first off, my friends and I are not the kind of drinkers where we can have a couple to feel loose and laugh the night away. We have a set way of doing things. Pretty much boils down to this... shower, put on nice clothes, do the hair, brush the teeth, throw on cologne and head out to find something with a vagina that sees this neatly wrapped package and decides she wants to unwrap it and ruin all the hard work. So we hit the bar, inevitably its too loud to speak at a normal tone so there is alot of yelling. Throw a fiver on the bar and suck down a beer. Alright the hunt is on. Now I'm not going to go through the whole play by play of a night out on the town, but maybe some of you guys reading this will agree with this next break down of the night... in three parts.. 1. Drink and try to meet girls... 2.(A) Get lucky and meet a girl, drink with her and either strike out or hit a homerun, (B) Don't meet anyone, and decide to get shithoused drunk to the point of blacking out... 3. Crashing.
It goes to say that not everyone in the group agrees on the spot so there is always someone at least peeved to be there in the first place. (that's usually me) At one point in the night everyone does a shot together, oh what fun! Then whoever the cheap one is, asks who has the round covered. Normal people buy rounds, we don't. So the bartender has to wait there as we all scuttle through our wallets to try to find the right amount, sort of like a hobo trying to score a free burger at McD's... hoping that eventually the person behind the counter will say, "ahh just take it." Gotta love this little nugget of the male mind during a night on the town. We will buy any girl we have JUST met with tits and pretty eyes anything she wants, but buying a drink for guys you've laughed, cried and grown up with... fuck that shit. Sometimes you do it, and figure that covers you until the end of the year, but most of the time its every man for themselves. Its a fucking jungle out there, and its a jungle full of groups of guys doing the SAME FUCKING THING YOU'RE DOING!!!! I'm amazed anyone gets laid these days. Ever notice that theres ALWAYS more dudes than chicks at a bar? Don't get it twisted lads... girls maybe insane but they ain't stupid. So lets move on... the drinking is in full swing and people are making moves. The less successful hunters hang by the bar, the "winners" are chatting up their catches and the environment hasn't gotten any more inviting... in fact its getting old.
Now someone wants to leave... and if everything is aligned perfectly in the cosmos, the rest of the group concurs. So you leave, and head to another bar. A fresh scene and guess what this brand new canvas is full of? Groups of guys getting drunk and trying to get laid. Sometimes you recognize them from the bar you just came from. Bars in the United States, and all over the world really are around for two reasons... to get drunk and to try to find someone to fuck. If you have a girlfriend, wife ... whatever you don't take her to the bar to get hammered to fuck her, you can do that sober. People take their significant others to bars to have fun but these people make me sick. You're just taking up space... buy a bottle of wine, throw on a movie and get the hell away from the bar, I'm on the job here, you're just visiting. Lets say its getting late in the night and now some of the boyos are getting hungry, tired or far too drunk. What the hell is "too drunk"?? Drunk is drunk. It would be like if you said in conversation... "boy I really miss my old dog but he is wayyyy too dead." From now on if you're feeling nauseated or like you're at the point of passing out just say, "I'm drunk"... we'll all get the point. The guys who say they're "really drunk" are the guys who can tell you every fucking drink they had the next day.
If you got lucky, well then congratulations but more likely than not, you didn't. Its like baseball... if you hit the ball three out of ten times you're a three hundred hitter and you can get your ass into the hall of fame. If you get laid once every couple of months hitting the bars, well shit you deserve to have your number retired. So at the end of the night when you're home, alone, ears still ringing from all the shitty music you had to listen to that you don't like in the first place, head spinning from mixing liquor and throat sore from endless cigarettes, and well... in the same place you started, but a little broker and just as horny... welcome to being a young male adult in the U.S. The game is just as difficult now as it ever was and it's never going to get any easier. So why do we do this to ourselves over and over again? Because my friends... well... I don't know. Is it fun? Sure. Is meeting girls a thrill? Sure. Do you think it was everything you thought it was going to be a few hours earlier when you were making plans for the big night? No. Don't get discouraged though, there's always next weekend.
So lets go out. Alright first off, my friends and I are not the kind of drinkers where we can have a couple to feel loose and laugh the night away. We have a set way of doing things. Pretty much boils down to this... shower, put on nice clothes, do the hair, brush the teeth, throw on cologne and head out to find something with a vagina that sees this neatly wrapped package and decides she wants to unwrap it and ruin all the hard work. So we hit the bar, inevitably its too loud to speak at a normal tone so there is alot of yelling. Throw a fiver on the bar and suck down a beer. Alright the hunt is on. Now I'm not going to go through the whole play by play of a night out on the town, but maybe some of you guys reading this will agree with this next break down of the night... in three parts.. 1. Drink and try to meet girls... 2.(A) Get lucky and meet a girl, drink with her and either strike out or hit a homerun, (B) Don't meet anyone, and decide to get shithoused drunk to the point of blacking out... 3. Crashing.
It goes to say that not everyone in the group agrees on the spot so there is always someone at least peeved to be there in the first place. (that's usually me) At one point in the night everyone does a shot together, oh what fun! Then whoever the cheap one is, asks who has the round covered. Normal people buy rounds, we don't. So the bartender has to wait there as we all scuttle through our wallets to try to find the right amount, sort of like a hobo trying to score a free burger at McD's... hoping that eventually the person behind the counter will say, "ahh just take it." Gotta love this little nugget of the male mind during a night on the town. We will buy any girl we have JUST met with tits and pretty eyes anything she wants, but buying a drink for guys you've laughed, cried and grown up with... fuck that shit. Sometimes you do it, and figure that covers you until the end of the year, but most of the time its every man for themselves. Its a fucking jungle out there, and its a jungle full of groups of guys doing the SAME FUCKING THING YOU'RE DOING!!!! I'm amazed anyone gets laid these days. Ever notice that theres ALWAYS more dudes than chicks at a bar? Don't get it twisted lads... girls maybe insane but they ain't stupid. So lets move on... the drinking is in full swing and people are making moves. The less successful hunters hang by the bar, the "winners" are chatting up their catches and the environment hasn't gotten any more inviting... in fact its getting old.
Now someone wants to leave... and if everything is aligned perfectly in the cosmos, the rest of the group concurs. So you leave, and head to another bar. A fresh scene and guess what this brand new canvas is full of? Groups of guys getting drunk and trying to get laid. Sometimes you recognize them from the bar you just came from. Bars in the United States, and all over the world really are around for two reasons... to get drunk and to try to find someone to fuck. If you have a girlfriend, wife ... whatever you don't take her to the bar to get hammered to fuck her, you can do that sober. People take their significant others to bars to have fun but these people make me sick. You're just taking up space... buy a bottle of wine, throw on a movie and get the hell away from the bar, I'm on the job here, you're just visiting. Lets say its getting late in the night and now some of the boyos are getting hungry, tired or far too drunk. What the hell is "too drunk"?? Drunk is drunk. It would be like if you said in conversation... "boy I really miss my old dog but he is wayyyy too dead." From now on if you're feeling nauseated or like you're at the point of passing out just say, "I'm drunk"... we'll all get the point. The guys who say they're "really drunk" are the guys who can tell you every fucking drink they had the next day.
If you got lucky, well then congratulations but more likely than not, you didn't. Its like baseball... if you hit the ball three out of ten times you're a three hundred hitter and you can get your ass into the hall of fame. If you get laid once every couple of months hitting the bars, well shit you deserve to have your number retired. So at the end of the night when you're home, alone, ears still ringing from all the shitty music you had to listen to that you don't like in the first place, head spinning from mixing liquor and throat sore from endless cigarettes, and well... in the same place you started, but a little broker and just as horny... welcome to being a young male adult in the U.S. The game is just as difficult now as it ever was and it's never going to get any easier. So why do we do this to ourselves over and over again? Because my friends... well... I don't know. Is it fun? Sure. Is meeting girls a thrill? Sure. Do you think it was everything you thought it was going to be a few hours earlier when you were making plans for the big night? No. Don't get discouraged though, there's always next weekend.
Saturday, April 5, 2008
Bastardly Sports: The Boys of Shitty Summers
In the not too distant past, there was a ruthless billionaire who ruled the most widely recognized sports franchise in history with an iron fist. Like all Greatmen, he has slowed down with age. The team spends millions to win, yet doesn’t win the championship (eight years in New York is feeling like 20). Every spring, “it’s going to be different.” This year, the son of a ruthless billionaire takes over the reigns as vocal asshole. Yet, it’s coming off in hilarious fashion, like Tommy Boy taking over for Big Tom Callahan. The ending was happy, so I’ll remain optimistic for this road trip we are on of a season called 2008 New York Yankees baseball. With Mr. April A-Rod back, Yankee Stadium being torn down, and the Mets looking good, I do have one question, what the hell has happened?
I grew up being a fan of the New York Yankees. I love that team. From the House That Ruth Built, the logo, the colors, from the Curse of the Bambino, to Legends Field, to Don Mattingly, from the fence, the late 90s dynasty, and look, the smell (of the grass anyway), and the presence of Yankee Stadium…its’ hard not to respect the traditions growing up where I have. I’ve been a proud man about this for a long time, but the tables have changed and we all have to except it. As a child, the Reggie Jackson-era Yanks won those World Series about five years before I was born. Then came the 80s. The Summer of Sam was over, the World Series titles were over, and the only murders involved season ticket holders. Irrational decisions from an irrational billionare (George Steinbrenner) and the many firings and rehirings of Billy Martin, all the while Donnie Baseball is struggling to keep his sanity on mediocre teams and putting up MVP numbers comprised my Yankees from 1983-1995. In 1996, Mattinngly retired, Joe Torre (a National League guy who recently was fired from the Cardinals) was hired, and the Yankees were a mix of seasoned veterans, unknown young players (Rivera, Jeter). I didn’t have much hope. Then it happened, they won the World Series. I treated this as I did the NY Giants Superbowl this year, an impromptu miracle season that likely wouldn’t be duplicated. Not only was it duplicated, but starting in 1998 the Yanks won three more. It was a great time to be a Yankees fan. Johnnyboy on this very column proudly sported an offical Yankee jacket; the very same one Joe Torre would smugly slump on the bench on for the next seven years. That jacket was a sign of things to come. Johnnyboy almost got into a pretty big bruhaha over that piece of cloth and nylon and it was one of the earliest instances of people disliking not just the Yankees, but anyone that had anything to do with them (it’s not like we live in Boston) in the dominant era of the franchise. The Yankees struck fear in the heart of their victims and as much as I loved the ruthless aggression the Yanks showed, I knew they became the evil empire along the way.
Slowly, yet surely I sensed the danger looming ahead. September 11, 2001 was the biggest tragedy I have witnessed in my lifetime. The Yanks were in the Series that year. “Let do it for New York! Let’s do it for America! Let’s do it for Jonny (me, not that Melnikov asshole in the photo)!!!” They didn’t. They lost to a team in Arizona. Arizona?!?!? They were only an expansion team three years before and Arizona is where old people go to die. All I know is that I am still rather enthusiastic about this year’s team. Maybe Torre’s way was running old, maybe the Curse of the Don is erased (sorry, Mr. Mattingly, sir), maybe Hank will rule with a successful fist. Maybe Redsox fans have done the same thing (that being faked optimism) year after year until 2004. God, this bizzaro world has got to stop. Go Yanks!!!
P.S. Sending me Yankee cheers on Facebook won’t necessarily make the team win, so screw off.
Monday, March 31, 2008
5 Ways to Ruin a First Date
We've all been there. Anxiety, sweat, anticipation, constipation... The first date. Maybe you've met the person before. Maybe it's a blind date. Whichever the case may be... if you get to the line of scrimmage and don't like the look of the defense, here are 5 sure fire ways to get your ass out of there.
1. Start Masturbating Furiously
Subtly. Don't whip it out or throw your hand down your pants... slide them down there, like a gentleman, or lady. Right about the time where the un-holy beast is telling you about how much they're job sucks... just nod 'uh huh', and slide your hand down to your crotch slowly, begin to rub.. vigorously. Your date will ask, "are you ok? do you like, have an itch?" Respond by saying... "Nah I don't, I'm jerking off." If he or she doesn't excuse themselves from the table at that point... move to number 2.
2. Announce that you think that, 'Hitler was cool, but he had some bad ideas.'
If your date is Jewish, they will leave immediately. If not they will question your statement. Counter with... "I just think that maybe if like he hadn't killed just Jews, Poles, Russians, French, Belgians, Retarded people, Intellectuals, Doctors, Artists, Lawyers, Priests and Pollacks, maybe his shit wouldn't stink so bad, ya know?" If your date is still at the table. You have got yourself a Nazi. Run with it, into number 3...
3. Re-cant everything you have just said.
Laugh it off, tell your date that you just said all that stuff about Hitler to see what kind of reaction you'd get... because what you really wanted to say was.... and then tell him/her that you enjoy watching your underground copies of 'New York Midget on Midget Plus Donkey.' What is NYMMD you ask? Who the fuck knows... at this point you're dealing with a Nazi.. time to get tough. Tell him or her, how you enjoy watching that cute face of pain wash into a lovely face of angry pain, and how animals were put on this earth for us to use... not just for food. Alright I'm getting sick just thinking about this and I'm the one fucking writing it. You get the point though... just start spouting out stupid bullshit about underground German porn, or something that you find nauseating. If your date at this point hasn't left... its time for the big guns.
4. Run to your car and change into the Spanish Conquistador costume you stashed away in the trunk.
Return to the table, or bar and start saying things like; "Cortez has given me a map, a map which marks a place, where dreams are made, ancient songs ring in the air, a place which I will take you, after your crab cocktail." "You remind me alot of the Aztec God of obesity." Refuse to take off your helmet, for it is in such hospitable environments, that men can turn to the most deplorable demons. Start throwing things at neighboring tables, and when the patron turns to you, blame it on the God quetzalcoatl. This should work. Insanity is usually a deal breaker in most cases, unless the person youre with also insane.
5. Ask your date if they're, 'into diarrhea'
If he or she says yes.... marry them. Ok so diarrhea is disgusting, but its also intriguing. I'm not saying you should think about jumping into a diarrhea fetish, but think about the sexual possibilities with a person who is that depraved. If the hump you're about to hump is in to liquid poop... you've got it made in the shade. That is truly the last frontier and if you have reached that on the first date... May all the whiskey in Cork sing you to thy rest.
P. S. - I do not endorse coprophagia, beastiality or midget pornography in any way shape or form. If YOU do... hey, it's your world I just live in it.
1. Start Masturbating Furiously
Subtly. Don't whip it out or throw your hand down your pants... slide them down there, like a gentleman, or lady. Right about the time where the un-holy beast is telling you about how much they're job sucks... just nod 'uh huh', and slide your hand down to your crotch slowly, begin to rub.. vigorously. Your date will ask, "are you ok? do you like, have an itch?" Respond by saying... "Nah I don't, I'm jerking off." If he or she doesn't excuse themselves from the table at that point... move to number 2.
2. Announce that you think that, 'Hitler was cool, but he had some bad ideas.'
If your date is Jewish, they will leave immediately. If not they will question your statement. Counter with... "I just think that maybe if like he hadn't killed just Jews, Poles, Russians, French, Belgians, Retarded people, Intellectuals, Doctors, Artists, Lawyers, Priests and Pollacks, maybe his shit wouldn't stink so bad, ya know?" If your date is still at the table. You have got yourself a Nazi. Run with it, into number 3...
3. Re-cant everything you have just said.
Laugh it off, tell your date that you just said all that stuff about Hitler to see what kind of reaction you'd get... because what you really wanted to say was.... and then tell him/her that you enjoy watching your underground copies of 'New York Midget on Midget Plus Donkey.' What is NYMMD you ask? Who the fuck knows... at this point you're dealing with a Nazi.. time to get tough. Tell him or her, how you enjoy watching that cute face of pain wash into a lovely face of angry pain, and how animals were put on this earth for us to use... not just for food. Alright I'm getting sick just thinking about this and I'm the one fucking writing it. You get the point though... just start spouting out stupid bullshit about underground German porn, or something that you find nauseating. If your date at this point hasn't left... its time for the big guns.
4. Run to your car and change into the Spanish Conquistador costume you stashed away in the trunk.
Return to the table, or bar and start saying things like; "Cortez has given me a map, a map which marks a place, where dreams are made, ancient songs ring in the air, a place which I will take you, after your crab cocktail." "You remind me alot of the Aztec God of obesity." Refuse to take off your helmet, for it is in such hospitable environments, that men can turn to the most deplorable demons. Start throwing things at neighboring tables, and when the patron turns to you, blame it on the God quetzalcoatl. This should work. Insanity is usually a deal breaker in most cases, unless the person youre with also insane.
5. Ask your date if they're, 'into diarrhea'
If he or she says yes.... marry them. Ok so diarrhea is disgusting, but its also intriguing. I'm not saying you should think about jumping into a diarrhea fetish, but think about the sexual possibilities with a person who is that depraved. If the hump you're about to hump is in to liquid poop... you've got it made in the shade. That is truly the last frontier and if you have reached that on the first date... May all the whiskey in Cork sing you to thy rest.
P. S. - I do not endorse coprophagia, beastiality or midget pornography in any way shape or form. If YOU do... hey, it's your world I just live in it.
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Mets Fans... A Gathering of Ignorance
I do not hide my deep love for the New York Yankees, my hate for the Boston Red Sox and for the city of Boston itself, but recently there has been a new little flicker of hatred growing inside me... and its for Mets Fans. Not the Mets themselves so much, because I mean lets face it... what is a Met? A Met is a baseball player, who although plays for a major league team in NYC, is still a second class athlete in the eyes of the majority. I feel kinda bad for Mets, its like being the middle child, or the ugly dog at the pound.. you walk by and say ... "awww poor guy", and then immediately move on. The fans however... alright lets get started...
The Met fan is the guy who decides to root for a team because "everyone else likes the Yankees." Which brings me to my first point... Met's fans have this belief that its "easy to be a Yankee fan." Are you fucking kidding me? The Yanks are the most hated team on the planet. Every time they play the other team plays a little harder because they're playing the big bad Yankees. The Yankees have a solid history of winning and domination, their fans are loyal, and everyone hates us. Major League... they played the hated Yankees, that stupid movie with Kevin Costner where he pitches for Detroit.. they played the hated Yankees, and as I remember there is a scene in the movie where a Yankee fan sitting at a bar is made to look like a complete bozo and the bartender whispers something like, "damn Yankee fans" or something. People hate us so much they lambaste us in the movies. Have you ever seen a movie, TV show, or fuckin comic book where the apex of the action is the big game versus The Mets? No you haven't.
If anything its easy as pie to be a Met fan. No one gives a shit about the Mets, they try to hate us and bait us into some new Red Sox - like rivalry but sorry Mr. Met... we got our rivalry. The Mets have never been good... aside from 1969 and 1986, there is no expectation for them to do well from year to year and that fact alone makes it easy to be a Met fan. Oh the Mets didn't go anywhere this season?... that sounds bout right.
Another thing that Mets fans try to parade around as a reason to hate the Yankees; is the payroll Issue. Lets get this straight.... the highest payroll..... doesn't mean shit. The Yanks haven't won in 7 years Douchenuggets. Last year the Yank's payroll was $189,639,045. The Mets $115, 231,663. The difference of about 73 million bucks doesn't mean a fucking thing in pro sports. And the Mets have the money by the way... they're building a new stadium... they just don't spend it. Load of horse shit.
Finally, the Met fan is a truly pathetic animal, desperately searching for a rivalry. I mean what kind of a team can you have when you don't even have a good rivalry? The Braves? the Phillies... wow cant wait to tune in to those grind out grudge-matches. The colors suck, blue and orange... just screams baseball to me. The stadium... oh God ... Id rather watch a baseball game in Fallujah. They have a mascot... Mr. Met. What the fuck man? That's bush-league shit... sorry Philly, but you know its true. Its a sad state of affairs in Queens, and I for one am happy to hear it.
NYY WS CHAMPIONSHIPS - 1923, 1927, 1928,1932, 1936, 1937, 1938, 1939, 1941, 1943, 1947, 1949, 1950, 1951, 1952, 1953, 1956, 1958, 1961, 1962, 1977, 1978, 1996, 1998, 1999, 2000.
NY METS WS CHAMPIONSHIPS - 1969, 1986.
What a rivalry!
The Met fan is the guy who decides to root for a team because "everyone else likes the Yankees." Which brings me to my first point... Met's fans have this belief that its "easy to be a Yankee fan." Are you fucking kidding me? The Yanks are the most hated team on the planet. Every time they play the other team plays a little harder because they're playing the big bad Yankees. The Yankees have a solid history of winning and domination, their fans are loyal, and everyone hates us. Major League... they played the hated Yankees, that stupid movie with Kevin Costner where he pitches for Detroit.. they played the hated Yankees, and as I remember there is a scene in the movie where a Yankee fan sitting at a bar is made to look like a complete bozo and the bartender whispers something like, "damn Yankee fans" or something. People hate us so much they lambaste us in the movies. Have you ever seen a movie, TV show, or fuckin comic book where the apex of the action is the big game versus The Mets? No you haven't.
If anything its easy as pie to be a Met fan. No one gives a shit about the Mets, they try to hate us and bait us into some new Red Sox - like rivalry but sorry Mr. Met... we got our rivalry. The Mets have never been good... aside from 1969 and 1986, there is no expectation for them to do well from year to year and that fact alone makes it easy to be a Met fan. Oh the Mets didn't go anywhere this season?... that sounds bout right.
Another thing that Mets fans try to parade around as a reason to hate the Yankees; is the payroll Issue. Lets get this straight.... the highest payroll..... doesn't mean shit. The Yanks haven't won in 7 years Douchenuggets. Last year the Yank's payroll was $189,639,045. The Mets $115, 231,663. The difference of about 73 million bucks doesn't mean a fucking thing in pro sports. And the Mets have the money by the way... they're building a new stadium... they just don't spend it. Load of horse shit.
Finally, the Met fan is a truly pathetic animal, desperately searching for a rivalry. I mean what kind of a team can you have when you don't even have a good rivalry? The Braves? the Phillies... wow cant wait to tune in to those grind out grudge-matches. The colors suck, blue and orange... just screams baseball to me. The stadium... oh God ... Id rather watch a baseball game in Fallujah. They have a mascot... Mr. Met. What the fuck man? That's bush-league shit... sorry Philly, but you know its true. Its a sad state of affairs in Queens, and I for one am happy to hear it.
NYY WS CHAMPIONSHIPS - 1923, 1927, 1928,1932, 1936, 1937, 1938, 1939, 1941, 1943, 1947, 1949, 1950, 1951, 1952, 1953, 1956, 1958, 1961, 1962, 1977, 1978, 1996, 1998, 1999, 2000.
NY METS WS CHAMPIONSHIPS - 1969, 1986.
What a rivalry!
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Voting Is For Losers
Ok, I know what all you little haters out there are wondering, when are these guys going to talk politics? Johnnyboy already touched on those annoying Bush bashers, but never officially stated a political affiliation (or at least as far as I read). Well, I am your beacon of hope and I will tell you who to vote for…The Sane Choice: Jim “The Ultimate Warrior” Hellwig and Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake. Hellwig is a beast for one, he won’t get polio like that lame old FDR from a few years back. Beefcake, well, I suppose Hellwig could have chosen anyone for a running mate, but the Warrior/Beefcake ticket just seems to flow. "Dad, I'm voting for Hellwig & Beefcake." I like the sound of that. What are Hellwig’s policies you ask? Here’s a taste of what you can expect…Bin Laden: smashed. Taxes: tapped out. Homelessness: powerbombed. The Budget: balanced due to more smashing. Steroids: legalized and encouraged (finally). AIDS: Piledriven. Children: fighting machines. That’s right kids, Uncle Warrior and Vice Uncle Beefcake will no longer tolerate insubordination. Junk food out (sans Slim Jims, of course). X Boxes and Playstations will be destroyed and melted into weapons of mass destruction (not Wiis though, Hellwig is intrigued). Everyone must have the proper children’s hairstyle from the 1980s, no questions asked, after all our new VP is a professionally untrained barber. Oh, and cigarettes? Still worried if little Tairy or teenie Henrietta might starting smoking young? What the hell(wig) do you think?I blog, I update. Hellwig and Beefcake are reclusive and computers are foreign to them. In turn, America will now be updated with handwritten holiday cards like so. Here is a Thanksgiving update:
I case you haven’t figured it out, I don’t care about voting. It’s not for losers (that was just a hateful title), but I don’t care what or who you’re voting for. As far as everyone knows, on Election Day I’m voting, but in reality I’m just going to treat myself to ice cream. Where? I’m not sure yet, but I’m looking forward to it. Then when I have kids and it’s time to vote for Chelsea Clinton, Hammock Obama, Flava Flav, or whoever else, guess what? Yes, we are not voting and going out for ice cream (unless my kids are fat, then just Slim Jims for them). So when you’re deciding Obama, Hilary, or McCain, my choices of chocolate, vanilla, or cookie dough will be more delicious than yours. Remember, your vote doesn’t count and no one will blame you if you stay home and eat, it’s the American Way.
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Things I wish I could do... and Will Probably Try
Alright so Ive gotten some positive feedback from my list of away messages posts and I'm told that people ... "like lists". That's a direct quote, from myself. I like lists and I'm a people. So here's another one. The 5 things I would like to do before I die.
5. Get a blowjob while eating a cheesesteak
Honestly, think about how fucking unreal that would be. Even better if you could time your last bite to coincide with your orgasm. There is really no way to pull this one off though, I mean think about it, how would that conversation go... "honey Id really love a blowjob, I had such a bad day and I'm so stressed out, you can make it an early Christmas present to me... oh and while you do it I'm going to eat a loose meat sandwich, you know... to save time." Not going to work. I suppose you could hide the sandwich until she starts sucking you off but theoretically its a logistical nightmare. The smell of the sandwich would definitely tip her off and then you'd probably have to share it with her and that defeats the purpose of the cheesesteak blow. The prospect of dropping hot onions and mushrooms on her head while shes knobbing me is actually making me horny.. and hungry. Lets move on.
4. Buy a hobo a tuxedo
For no real reason. I think that if I bought a hobo a tux, I would feel fulfilled. Think about it, if you see some bum rustling through the garbage with a bindle and a scraggly beard with a squirrel living in it you get depressed, angry, murderous, horny... I don't know, but you don't feel good. Now imagine that same bum... in a tux, BAM James Bond. The bum may be able to parlay his new duds into some sort of job, or money making enterprise... and then you would that something you did for someone changed their life for the better. The bum would also feel better about himself and become an idol for all the other 'gentleman of the street' or as I like to call them, 'knights of the sacred order of sleeping in shit'. Its a humanitarians wet dream.
3. Open a school and name it, Its Never Going to Get any Better Academy
I'm sick of generation after generation of kids getting their hopes up to be ultimately disappointed in the end. Remember when you were a little kid and you started grammar school? Alright it sucked not being able to play Nintendo... or Sega (if you were one of those pretentious little bastards) but all in all it was pretty fucking tits. Snack time, recess, lunch, taking a piss and then going home. That's really all it was. So I'm sure many of you, like myself thought it was just going to get better as the grades wore on. Well it fucking doesn't and we all found out the hard way. I would do away with "kindergarten" in my school... and start off by telling the students... "you're all going to be stuck in this building for the next nine years respectively. Then you will go to another depressing building and listen to things you don't care about for four years, and you'll get to do it while your body goes through terrifying, disgusting changes, sorta like swampthing. Then after that you'll go to a bigger building and it will be alot of fun for four years, then after that you will sit at another desk until the day you die. So take this year and play like you will never play again, because honestly boys and girls... that's pretty much whats going to be the case." Then when 1st grade rolled around Id start whomping ass.
2. Have anal sex with the queen of England
Someone once told me that to be the President of the United States would be great, but being a king or queen would be even better. Well, they were right. But even better than that... would be fucking the queen in her ass. As an American, I really don't care either way about the Brits, but as an Irish guy, I fucking hate them. Alright shes crusty and old and it would be like having sex with a box of raisins but lets be honest here, it would be worth it. Every job interview would be so fucking cool... "I know I am grossly unqualified for this job, I am also aware that I'm not wearing pants right now or to make up for that fact, a clean shirt, but what you don't know is that Ive had my dick in the queen of England, and that alone makes me more successful than anyone you are going to interview today." Holy shit that would be so cool.
1. Adopt a kid and raise him to be a complete asshole
I'm ripe with problems, and Ill be the first to admit it. At this rate reproduction with a human female while probable, just seems like it would be a very bad idea. I wouldn't want some kid walking around with the same issues, health wise and behavioral that I deal with. That being said I really want to have a kid to carry on the good name of being a jerk. There aren't enough cynics in this world, and there aren't enough people out there telling kids that they suck. If you grow up thinking you suck, you're going to try to better yourself. If you're told that you're awesome your whole life... theres no incentive to be anything other than what you already are, and 9 out of 10 kids are fucking losers. So yes, I am going to tell my son that he sucks and everything he does is wrong, and he will be a better person for it. Eventually he will kill me. Which in a way is pretty fucked up but perhaps he will adopt and spread the true word like his old man did. Maybe he'll grow up to be president, and then he could have a real shot at fucking the queen in the ass. Two birds with one stone... eh makes sense to me.
5. Get a blowjob while eating a cheesesteak
Honestly, think about how fucking unreal that would be. Even better if you could time your last bite to coincide with your orgasm. There is really no way to pull this one off though, I mean think about it, how would that conversation go... "honey Id really love a blowjob, I had such a bad day and I'm so stressed out, you can make it an early Christmas present to me... oh and while you do it I'm going to eat a loose meat sandwich, you know... to save time." Not going to work. I suppose you could hide the sandwich until she starts sucking you off but theoretically its a logistical nightmare. The smell of the sandwich would definitely tip her off and then you'd probably have to share it with her and that defeats the purpose of the cheesesteak blow. The prospect of dropping hot onions and mushrooms on her head while shes knobbing me is actually making me horny.. and hungry. Lets move on.
4. Buy a hobo a tuxedo
For no real reason. I think that if I bought a hobo a tux, I would feel fulfilled. Think about it, if you see some bum rustling through the garbage with a bindle and a scraggly beard with a squirrel living in it you get depressed, angry, murderous, horny... I don't know, but you don't feel good. Now imagine that same bum... in a tux, BAM James Bond. The bum may be able to parlay his new duds into some sort of job, or money making enterprise... and then you would that something you did for someone changed their life for the better. The bum would also feel better about himself and become an idol for all the other 'gentleman of the street' or as I like to call them, 'knights of the sacred order of sleeping in shit'. Its a humanitarians wet dream.
3. Open a school and name it, Its Never Going to Get any Better Academy
I'm sick of generation after generation of kids getting their hopes up to be ultimately disappointed in the end. Remember when you were a little kid and you started grammar school? Alright it sucked not being able to play Nintendo... or Sega (if you were one of those pretentious little bastards) but all in all it was pretty fucking tits. Snack time, recess, lunch, taking a piss and then going home. That's really all it was. So I'm sure many of you, like myself thought it was just going to get better as the grades wore on. Well it fucking doesn't and we all found out the hard way. I would do away with "kindergarten" in my school... and start off by telling the students... "you're all going to be stuck in this building for the next nine years respectively. Then you will go to another depressing building and listen to things you don't care about for four years, and you'll get to do it while your body goes through terrifying, disgusting changes, sorta like swampthing. Then after that you'll go to a bigger building and it will be alot of fun for four years, then after that you will sit at another desk until the day you die. So take this year and play like you will never play again, because honestly boys and girls... that's pretty much whats going to be the case." Then when 1st grade rolled around Id start whomping ass.
2. Have anal sex with the queen of England
Someone once told me that to be the President of the United States would be great, but being a king or queen would be even better. Well, they were right. But even better than that... would be fucking the queen in her ass. As an American, I really don't care either way about the Brits, but as an Irish guy, I fucking hate them. Alright shes crusty and old and it would be like having sex with a box of raisins but lets be honest here, it would be worth it. Every job interview would be so fucking cool... "I know I am grossly unqualified for this job, I am also aware that I'm not wearing pants right now or to make up for that fact, a clean shirt, but what you don't know is that Ive had my dick in the queen of England, and that alone makes me more successful than anyone you are going to interview today." Holy shit that would be so cool.
1. Adopt a kid and raise him to be a complete asshole
I'm ripe with problems, and Ill be the first to admit it. At this rate reproduction with a human female while probable, just seems like it would be a very bad idea. I wouldn't want some kid walking around with the same issues, health wise and behavioral that I deal with. That being said I really want to have a kid to carry on the good name of being a jerk. There aren't enough cynics in this world, and there aren't enough people out there telling kids that they suck. If you grow up thinking you suck, you're going to try to better yourself. If you're told that you're awesome your whole life... theres no incentive to be anything other than what you already are, and 9 out of 10 kids are fucking losers. So yes, I am going to tell my son that he sucks and everything he does is wrong, and he will be a better person for it. Eventually he will kill me. Which in a way is pretty fucked up but perhaps he will adopt and spread the true word like his old man did. Maybe he'll grow up to be president, and then he could have a real shot at fucking the queen in the ass. Two birds with one stone... eh makes sense to me.
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
Motherboy: Television For Women
Sometimes the things I hate are byproducts of things I love. Case in point: I LOVE the series Arrested Development and regard it as one of the best shows ever produced. I HATE the fact that it was cancelled. The legacy lives, however, as the Motherboy (a dinner dance aimed at promoting mother/son bonding) episode is being slightly reproduced by the twisted bastards at Lifetime (television for women). They are pimping out a new show, Your Mama Can’t Dance. The Motherboy concept, albeit twisted, lives on. In this reality series, some of America's hottest dancers auditioned for a chance to be a part of a new dance rivalry show under the fictitious name Dance Nation (they had to be tricked, let’s face it), but they had no idea that they would be getting screwed over majestically. They soon discovered that they'd be working with a partner and that their partner would be one of their parents and/or guardians! Now, five female dancers will be fox-trotting with their fathers (Fathergirl doesn’t sound as good) while five male dancers will be doing the mambo with their mothers as they vie for praise from the judges (yes that is directly from the Lifetime site, I had to leave it in).
So who are the judges you dare ask? They are the inevitable who’s who of shit-stains on Hollywood's Walk of Fame. First there’s Chris Judd, who’s bio on the Lifetime website (internet for women) mentions nothing of his failed marriage to J-Lo, his most famous work ever (if he knocked her up, he’d be sitting pretty like K-Fed). Then there’s Vitamin C, yes the Graduation (Friends Forever) songstress bitch, who made every girl and gay dude cry in the 2000 graduating class and I’m sure today’s classes have to painstakingly have to deal with that same garbage every summer. Then there’s the biggest goon of them all, Ben Vereen. 
Mister Vereen is widely regarded as a legendary actor and is probably a very credible judge…so I hear. To me he is nothing more than an asshole. Remember that episode of the Fresh Prince where Will’s dad (Ben Vereen) actually visits?? Things are going just swell (aside from the disappointment that Mr. Smith was a short, borderline homeless looking man). So much like Uncle Phil predicted, Papa Smith ditches Will…and I wish Uncle Phil whipped ass that day (yes that’s all I know Benjamin Vereen from, what’s it to ya?). Back to Motherdance, so the whole thing’s host by Steve Sanders himself, 90210’s Ian Ziering (so Mario Lopez is THAT busy these days I guess). So Captain Ziering uses whatever charm he stole from Luke Perry and Jason Priestley, while the producers worry if Ben Vereen will make up another lame excuse and bail on the show like he did Will. Oh, yeah and a bunch of kids get tricked into dancing with the parents much to Lifetime viewers’ pleasure. Well, all I know is this Friday, I’m watching some freestyle waltzing, boy’s choice! Ah, I digress, now if you want to see kids and adults interact in creepy and hilarious fashion, stick with Dateline: To Catch a Predator, thank you.
Mister Vereen is widely regarded as a legendary actor and is probably a very credible judge…so I hear. To me he is nothing more than an asshole. Remember that episode of the Fresh Prince where Will’s dad (Ben Vereen) actually visits?? Things are going just swell (aside from the disappointment that Mr. Smith was a short, borderline homeless looking man). So much like Uncle Phil predicted, Papa Smith ditches Will…and I wish Uncle Phil whipped ass that day (yes that’s all I know Benjamin Vereen from, what’s it to ya?). Back to Motherdance, so the whole thing’s host by Steve Sanders himself, 90210’s Ian Ziering (so Mario Lopez is THAT busy these days I guess). So Captain Ziering uses whatever charm he stole from Luke Perry and Jason Priestley, while the producers worry if Ben Vereen will make up another lame excuse and bail on the show like he did Will. Oh, yeah and a bunch of kids get tricked into dancing with the parents much to Lifetime viewers’ pleasure. Well, all I know is this Friday, I’m watching some freestyle waltzing, boy’s choice! Ah, I digress, now if you want to see kids and adults interact in creepy and hilarious fashion, stick with Dateline: To Catch a Predator, thank you.
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