Recent News... And Why I don't Give a Shit

Ok well first off, I am sure you were well aware that I had to write something about Michael Jackson. So let me get this one out of the way...

1. The Death of Michael Jackson : Firstly, I have to disagree with my colleague Jon on this one. There is no possible way this man was the greatest entertainer of all time. Elvis may not have had the pop craze that Jacko enjoyed, but Elvis' music made black rock and roll acceptable to white audiences. He influenced generations of musicians and to put it quite simply, without Elvis you wouldn't have had MJ. So Elvis supersedes him in musical importance. As a showman, Sinatra reigns supreme. Number of hits, longevity of career, the way his voice is considered the soundtrack to a generation (and not a compartmentalized generation - all listening to different music to show their individualism) movies, and his overall influence on the people of a country trumps Jacko's resume by light years. That 0ut of the way, I have to say I felt bad that I didn't feel bad when he died. He was around when I was a kid obviously and I remember him. I also remember thinking he was odd and that his music sucked. That being said, "Off The Wall" is a terrific album. There is no denying the man was talented, but the cons outweigh the pros here. I would also like to point out to my African American readers (if I have any) that this man is not an ambassador for you or for your race. He hated being black so much that he bleached his skin. Loving this man because he was your color once, for a brief time back in the day doesn't make him an icon. Also... and I mean this ; I believe that if you hurt, touch, molest or do anything to a child after making them drink "Jesus juice", you should be executed with a bottle of rubbing alcohol and nail clippers. That wipes out everything... wrote some good songs, danced like a maniac, ended up a freakish punchline for all the world to enjoy? Good. Touched a kid? Burn in fucking Hell. End of story. I have no patience or sympathy for pedophiles. I say burn down Neverland Ranch and salt the ground... it's a weird place anyway.

2. Health care Reform : I'm Pretty Positive Obama Has No Idea What He's Doing Now
That's what I want folks... politicians making my medical decisions for me. Nationalized health care... that's where he wants to head with this. What a joke. I like how democrats just want to give absolutely everything away for free, at the expense of the middle class to the point where the lazier people (and from looking around that's about 80% of the country) won't have to do a Goddamn thing one day and will be able to live quite comfortably. Bullshit. If the government can't get anything right, and sure as hell can't organize and execute their chosen offices and departments... what makes you think they'll be able to pull this off? Nationalized health care is stupid for alot of different reasons, but the one that really scares me ; is the fact that now your personal business will be EVERYONE'S business. Now if you're walking down the street, you have a small stake in everyone elses lives as they pass. "Hey buddy, put out that cigarette, I'm paying for your health care" - "Hey fatty lose some weight, I'm paying for your healthcare" - "Hey slutso stop sucking that guy off, I'm paying for your health care." And so on. It also gives the government free reign to ban all sorts of things. Imagine lowering your health care tax, by eliminating cancer research... by banning smoking! Lovely. I don't bring this specific point up because I'm a smoker... smoking is bad for you, no doubt about it, but this is a free fucking country that I am taxed to live in and at one time could have been drafted to go and die for. If I want to smoke, I am going to smoke. I am going to smoke, I am going to drink, I am going to go on roller coasters and go swimming and eat red meat and have sex with questionable women and here's the thing... if any of those activities that I participated in cause me to become ill or injured... I'll pay for it myself. I will not ask you to pay for it for me, nor will I expect you to. I am really starting to worry about the future of this country.

3. North Korea / Iran : One sick fuck wants missiles, ones got em. These two deranged assholes should get a timeshare together somewhere and let it be filmed. I know how to fix these problems people... ready? Drop a ton of porno, Budweiser, Jameson, Thomas Paine's Common Sense, Xbox's and Maxim Magazines by the ton into those countries. Let the youth see what they're missing and then when they get older they'll want it all the time. Iranian women are butt ugly from what I've seen and Korean women ain't much better (any attractive Iranian or Korean women who wish to prove me wrong can contact me through this blog and then come to my house and prove their beauty by blowing me) so I think American porn is just what the doctor ordered. I bet if we could convince Megan Fox to bang Kim Jong Ill (spelling?) and Ahmadinejadawhoositzmegalomaniacaljerkoff... there will be no more problems in either region. If that doesn't work I say we just let them do their thing. Take the leash off of Israel and let them turn Iran into a parking lot, and North Korea? Well I guess we're just gonna have to wipe you off the face of the planet and in your place build water slides and the like. That would be fucking awesome... a country completely made up of water slides. We could call it "Waterworld" and it wouldn't be half as confusing or aggravating as Kevin Costner's water opus.


So in the end, the country is on the brink of collapsing under our rookie President's best intentions, the North Koreans are threatening to wipe us off the map, the Iranians are being beaten and killed in the streets by the government because they are exercising their divine right to free speech, and all over the news... we are mourning the loss of a little boy touching punchline, a woman who made a career out of showing her nips through a shirt on a poster in the late seventies, and a guy who sold detergents on television. And you wonder why I'm so angry?

Dead Up, Yo: A Blog For The Morbidly Deceased

Good Mourning, friends and well-wishers! Seeing all of my friends, peers and local laughingstocks tweet and Facebook stati (there's got to be a verb for the word status), everyone's got an uber "important" opinion on the recent slate of deaths. Since my words are not limited to 140 characters, here are some quick thoughts that I like to call, This Week In Celebrity Deaths:

Let's start in chronological order:

Ed McMahon - June 23, 2009
My dad told me about this one right as I was, as usual, running late to work. I grumbled, "Ah, no surprise." Harsh, yes, but Ed was old and lived a full life and career. One of the last times I saw him was briefly on some lousy Family Feud primetime special. The only reason I stopped at the channel was because I thought, "Shit, Ed McMahon looks bad." An 85 year old guy in a neck brace kind of drooling is not a sight for primetime television. It nearly broke my HD tuner. I pitied Ed till I found out how much back taxes he owed. Not even all those years on the Tonight Show, then Publisher's Clearing House and The Feud could save old Ed. Baby Boomers insist that the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson was great, I'm sure it was, but I was too young to care. I'm sure many, many (I hope) years from now when I tell my kid what a great man Andy Richter was, he or she or he-she won't care much either. I never did win that Publisher's Clearing House and met Ed McMahon or Dick Clark. R.I.P. Ed. Keep on truckin' Dick.


Farrah Fawchett - June 25, 2009
Another unsurprising one. A long battle with anal cancer, a fate best reserved for a person of Hitler-like proportions. I really don't have much to say on this one, I'm miffed that people I know that weren't even alive when Charlie's Angels was on the air, call her an 80's icon. Angels was canceled in 1980 and after that it was pretty much a supporting role in Cannonball Run....and a poster a LOT of young boys became men to (you know, slapping hand) in the 70's. In fact, it is the best selling pin-up poster of all time, selling 12 million copies. No other women could pose effortlessly seductive in 33 years??? A tribute to her hotness, although I never personally spanked it to that poster (and I'm NOT going to start now). Ryan O' Neal had plans to rewed Farrah when she was on her deathbed. Romantic? I guess, but then again there are some that see Natural Born Killers as a fantastic romantic romp. Expect Ryan O' Neal in some sort of TMZ-related mess in the near future.

Michael Jackson - June 25, 2009
A blog in itself. My personal focus group, which is social networking, has created two camps. One, which is he was a molester, fuck him. Two is he was the King of Pop, he entertained me. Truth be told, I was a big fan as a kid. I wore the one glove and danced around to his music. My mom even bought me a toy microphone, but I grew out of it. The problem with Michael, is that he never grew out of childhood. He was the ultimate Man-Child. Pedophilia is a terrible and frightening crime....yet I fall into the second camp that chooses to remember his wealth of music and entertainment value. Oh well to those kids and fuck their greedy parents too. MJ was the greatest showman of all time (fuck Elvis, a watered down "safe" choice for lame whites). Jacko didn't molest me and was a great entertainer. The bad is equal with the good, but the good says he was the greatest all around showman ever.

Billy Mays - June 28, 2009
While all of my peers posted about everyone else, I was among the first to post this one (I even included a picture in case you didn't know). Out of the other 3, why was this the only death I commented on publicly? Simply put, he was the only relevant one. The others were past their primes (even MJ, too much to comeback from), but Billy was a multi-millionaire (that means not in serious debt like Ed or Michael) and arguably the greatest pitchman of all time. He hocks cheesy titled products, but he also gave new inventors an opportunity to live their dreams. If you can sell a boatload of products this country doesn't really need, you are a success in my book. Boisterously hawking products to unsuspecting consumers on all hours of the day...maybe this is the American Dream these days? Billy did it better than them all and I look forward to Pitchmen on the Discovery Channel every week. The least famous, but most relevant will be missed.

It is sad to see people that we may have seen on our television screens through the years pass on, but to my peers with opinions, I didn't hear half as much talk when thousands died during Hurricane Katrina. Sorry they were not entertainers, pedophiles (as far as we know), talk show sidekicks, TV sluts and pitchmen. Get your GED, make your one comment and move the fuck on. Michael Jackson doesn't care what you think about him anymore now than when he was alive. It's over folks. Let's just hope the list of people celebrities and otherwise drying can stay low. R.I.P. to the deceased and a "Keep On Truckin'" to the rest.

-JF

Fuck Hope

It's a strong title, but since this blog is a free-flowing one-sided conversation that regularly deals with mature subjects, I say on this Father's Day 2009, fuck hope. I also realize that my comrade Johnnyboy has dated a girl named Hope (better than a boy named Sue I suppose), I am not bashing her by any means Johnboy. I am bashing the idea of hope; perhaps what some feel is the "American Dream."

Why no hope? Well, honestly there is not all that much I believe in. Working hard certainly hasn't benefited the middle-class. Fuck, I did it. I usually refuse to associate myself with these lame affiliations we have been believed to hold sacred. I love many of the people I have met through the years, but I loathe that of which the associate themselves with mostly. I'd rather not be involved, cause a disagreement, war or something. I am particularly sick of political and social entertainers that always feel they have something important to say. I don't care for Jon Stewart and Steven Colbert (although I enjoy Bill Mahr's diverse forum from time to time). Political comedians seem to feel that things were once much better and with an ounce of effort, things could be much better and the way they were, you know the "good old days." Sure, I think they are talented and funny at what they do, but it gets tiring and they come off like catty girl scouts linked with wishful outcome and solution. It's bullshit.

George Carlin once said, "If you think there's a solution, then you are part of the problem." Amen, George. I concern myself with my own world. My friends, my family, women worthy of penetration and making money for selfish reasons (alcohol-fueled fun on the weekends, movies and "getting by" mostly). By not being emotionally attached to the outside world, my life has been much easier. Nothing I do is going to change the world for the better. I am not running for office, thus I have no reason to care.

Sure, I believe in a few things. I believe in limited happiness (mostly confined to orgasms, hearty laughter, chocolate chip cookies, alcohol & friends, but not necessarily altogether), some type of karmic God and love (along with mounds and mounds of toleration). Is this blog gloom and doom? No, I am a personal optimist. If I were a real cynic, I'd tell you everything is "gunna be alright." I'd bullshit you, but I don't do that, so fuck hope.

Since I started off mentioned Father's Day, it would only be proper to finish off by saying Happy Father's Day to my dad, Johnnyboy's dad, all the good dads out there and even the moms who do double duty thanks to deadbeat dad situations. Fuck those guys. Also, a small "fuck you" to the moms that picked out a real winner of a dad (a jail cornholder with a drug/drinking/murder problem) and put kids they weren't ready to have in a shitty situation. Thoughtless cunts. Anyway, Happy (good) Father's Day!!!

Things.... That I Fuckin Hate

Ok so lists are a gimme now on this blog... but they work well and people seem to like them. Plus they're easy to write... so here goes yet another.

1. People Who Don't Text Back : I saw recently that there was a whole facebook group dedicated to this. Well fuck you guys too, I'm writing a whole paragraph on it. How lazy, or inconsiderate can you be? It takes about 30 seconds to write a text message. "Yo dude, you goin out tonight?"..... three hours pass by..... well either your friend isn't going out, theyre in jail, they're going out, but its with a girl you used to date, or their just lazy pieces of camelshit. How hard is it to use your thumbs to say, "No man sorry, call you soon"? It's tantamount to calling someone, they pick up and you say hello - and they don't answer. They just stay on the phone and breathe. Great, thank you. To all you soulless bastards and bitches who don't have the common decency to text back... I hope you are killed by a giant thumb.

2. Guys Who Always Want To Leave A Bar For A Different Bar : These are the guys who never get laid. There's no action here. The drinks are warm. This place sucks. I hate that guy. That bartender stiffed me. My ex girlfriend hangs out here. I've never met a girl here. I hate the music. It's too loud in here. Wait a minute.... that's actually me. Nevermind, you guys are awesome. Kings among men, and dick sizes that rival the Empire State Building in vertical splendor. God bless and keep you.

3. Girls Who Make Kissy Faces In Pictures : Awesome you can purse your lips! Congratulations, you have the same facial ability as Steven Hawking. What are you trying to say? That you have the ability to kiss? Excellent so does everyone. Are you blowing a kiss to whomever may be looking at your picture? Wonderful, so you're willing to kiss about a million people (if you post it on Fbook or Myspace). Well done, you're a whore. How about a nice smile? That always works. When was the last time a photographer said, "ok in three, two ... look like a guppie!:? It never happened and it never will.

4. Girls Who Religiously Get Pedicures : Sweet, your toenails are pink but your feet still smell like exactly what they are...a utilitarian appendage that sweats and not only sweats, but sweats in something as constricting as a sock. My favorite is the girl who goes out of her way to show them off. "I got my feet done today, aren't they pretty?" No they're not... they are deformed hands that sit at the bottom of a bulky arm that you have to shave. The worst are the ones who get little flowers, or designs on them. Do you think we can tell if your pedicure has a lotus blossom on it from where we stand?? At most it looks like someone fucked up your pedicure and you have a paint splotch on them... and you were too lazy to fix it. Here's and idea girls.. take that foot... and put it in a fucking shoe. I don't want to see your horny old toes.

5. People Who Like The Song, "Sweet Caroline" : Good times have never ever been near people who sing along to this song. Touching hands... touching you... killing myself with a gallon of canola oil. You will hear this song alot at the end of a night in college bars. People are so drunk that the chorus is easy enough that all you have to sing is, "oh oh oh." Rhodes scholars, the lot of you. You know what the best thing about Neil Diamond is? It's that he's 68, and has lived the life of a pop-star so he may die soon.

6. Guys Who Think Cologne Will Hide The Fact That They Didn't Shower That Day : Nothing like the sickly sweet smell of B.O. mixed with Cool Water to send a girl over the top with lust. They mine as well carry around a bag of horseshit with a Yankee Candle lit in the middle of it. Listen pal, we get it... you're lazy. I don't care, no one does... so stay at home, or take the 8 minutes it takes to shower out of your crowded schedule of masturbating and watching Antiques Roadshow and stop stinking up my night. Cool Water is pretty awesome though.

7. The Word, "Nigger" : Black men and women... what the hell are you thinking? Why would you EVER refer to anyone with a term that was used to humiliate and de-humanize your entire race? White guys, who because they have black friends think that they can get away with saying it are the worst. What a crock of shit. Try these words instead... bro, pal, dude, buddy, man, sister, brother, guy, chief, slick... etc...

I know I always say, "more to come"... but I will post more soon. Just very angry tonight.

The 80's

Such an ambiguous title you may say. Where is he going with this? This post is going to upset my colleague Jondrama as he is a lover of the 80's... but man... the 80's sucked. OK OK OK, before you lose it... there were certain things in the 80's that didn't completely blow, but they were few and far between. Here goes yet another list. Things that sucked :



1. The style. Nothing like ridiculously big hair on girls or tight stone washed jeans with white high top sneakers. Face it, if you were walking down the street and saw someone with a mullet, or with big thick hair, wearing a white tee-shirt, black suspenders and jeans so white they mine as well just be painters paints, tucked up almost to the belly button, and a pair of white Reebok's at the bottom of this lovely ensemble, what would you say? I'll tell you what you'd say... "Oh my God, I hope the retard isn't the drooling type." And then you'd probably cross to the other side of the street. Be sure, there were some pretty gorgeous women who made it big in the 80's, but lets face it... if you're beautiful, you're beautiful. If you're somewhat decent looking, wearing clothes from the 80's will do nothing but hinder your attempt to get laid.



2. The Music. It's a punchline now. For all the good bands that found their way in the 80's i.e. U2, Tears for Fears, etc... there was a plethora of dog shit. There hasn't been a decade so vacant of musical quality since the year 50 A.D. When all you were able to listen to would have been the sound of lepers dying of sunstroke, with the back beat of rampant coughing from cholera outbreaks. It was that bad people. There are a few songs from the 80's that I'll sing along too whether it is alone in my car, or with my friends on a Friday night after a couple... but that's where the music ends. There is no lasting value and for that I guess we can be lucky.


3. Movies. Name one excellent movie from the 1980's and I'll name 5 that to this day make me fume over with anger. There are a few iconic movies from the 80's, and they're iconic for all the wrong reasons. The Breakfast Club - I wanted every kid in that library to die. The Big Chill - I wanted everyone in that house to die. Rain Man - I wanted everyone in that casino to die. Top Gun - I wanted everyone in that plane to die, and got lucky by getting to watch one crap out. Back To The Future - I wanted everyone in 1955 to die. I don't think I need to go on.

4. Television. Give me a fucking break... the Facts of Life - here's a fact, you're all a bunch of homely lesbians. Charles In Charge - of what, sucking dick... because if that's the case, you'll get no argument here. The Cosby Show - how many uncles and grandfathers did these kids have for fuck's sake? Major Dad - thank God for the first Gulf War because there was a chance the Major would be court martialed for trying to sell secrets to the Iraqis. Mr. Belvedere - nothing like a pretentious Brit flit around the t.v. for a half hour. Roseanne - look they're poor white trash! huh hulk, I's can sure relate! Night Court - forget it.

So there's just a short list of some of the reasons why the decade just sucked flat. From the awful pop culture to that lovely cocaine/crack explosion, it was unbelievably sub-par. You wanna know what the strange thing is though? After all that, the 80's have a soft spot in my heart, and also... it's been downhill ever since.

Johnstradamus : I Got Your End of the World, Right Here!

I have been reading about this 12/12/12 crap for a while. Apparently the world is supposed to end, because the sun will be in line with the center of the Milky Way. Here's the thing folks.... GOOD! For it was spoken to me, Johnstradamus on this very night, 3/3/09, that I have; if thou most humble readers pleasest... the spoken word of the time keeper of the universe. A recounting of the revelation in the most humble prose:

Angel of Time : BEHOLD, for I am the angel of time... Roger.

Me: Roger?

Roger : Oh fuck yeah.

Me: Well... Roger.. what word from the sands of infinite future do you have for us?

Roger: Ok first off... forget this 12/12/12 B.S. It's gonna happen when the Earth crashes into some gay-ass meteor and everyone and everything is gonna be like.. "whooooooaaaa holy shit this is so fucked up!"

Me: When might that be Rog?

Roger: My name is Roger dipshit.

Me: Sorry dude.

Roger: Whatever, you're so fucked, and you have no idea. You humans have labored under the assumption that you have knowledge that goes far beyond that of God's. You have been "building" this world... and you're still working at it.

Me: But Roger, it's gonna be pretty ok, and it's gonna look pret... (Roger interrupts)

Roger: It's gonna look like shit bro!!

Me: I'm sorry?

Roger: Me too dude. Do you have any soda, or like seltzer? I don't want beer. I'll even take milk.

Me: I might have some root beer.

Roger: Oh fucking great, I can't wait until you all die.

Me: Alright ROGER... tell me something about the apocolypse... something that I can at least tell my friends.

Roger: Fine Johnstradamus... the heavens have collided and from Deidre'sbosom and her cool tears I am arrived. Here is the prophecy of the end of time. "You are so doomed. All of you. The environment? There's a whole galaxy out there you egotistical butt rangers. Ok, so, your world is what concerns you... You know what concerns us, up in heavean? The fact that you've bestowed coronation ceremonies on Donal Trump, Bill Maher, Anne Coulter and Stevie Ray Vaughan.

Me: But Stevie was ... (interrupted by a smack from Roger)

Roger: Stevie was what? A lame dirtdink who could cover Little Wing... woahhh boy... I could do that right now.

Me: No you couldn't.

Roger: Whatever can I fucking finish? Ok so yeah, you're all screwed. Time... which you made, will most definitely one day end. It wont be because of anything you did you egotistical assholes... It'll end because we said so. Get over yourselves and Dane Cook is the Antichrist.

I woke up hours later with the stale taste of cigarettes and whiskey in my mouth. I thought it was all a dream... until I picked up Word Up magazine and saw a picture of Biggie and Iggy Pop drinking piss out of an upturned tambourine. The end is time... not the other way around.

America's Obsession With The Oscars

Well, it's all over folks... Oscars that is. We have to wait another year to watch a boring spectacle featuring the most unbelievably pretentious celebrities the earth has ever puked up. Sean Penn.... no one cares about your politics. He made a jab at protestors during his acceptance speech. How liberal and free is that! I guess in Penn's mind it is only acceptable to protest or yell loudly, or scream whole-heartedly when whatever you're screaming about is something that Penn agrees with. Moving on, it was just really fucking boring. Hugh Jackman... tried but fell far short of the mark. So what to do? Heckle! Without further ado, this is a full transcript of Jon and I ripping the awards apart via AIM.

Johnnyboy (10:06:46 PM): Apeshit, the new fragrance by Christopher Walken
jondrama (10:07:02 PM): why?
Johnnyboy (10:07:15 PM): why not?
jondrama (10:08:04 PM): i think Apeshit, a new fragrance by Glenn Danzig
Johnnyboy (10:08:06 PM): NICE, heath ledger just won the academy award
jondrama (10:08:59 PM): he looks different
Johnnyboy (10:09:18 PM): yeah, he looks kind of dead
jondrama (10:33:19 PM): Gee i really dont want to see this slumdog horseshit anymore
Johnnyboy (10:33:31 PM): youre watching too i see
Johnnyboy (10:33:42 PM): yeah im pretty done with wanting to see it
Johnnyboy (10:33:52 PM): this may be one of the worst academy awards ive ever seen
jondrama (10:34:02 PM): well you reeled me in for heat bars award
jondrama (10:34:11 PM): we need to see best actor
Johnnyboy (10:34:38 PM): that isnt until right before the end
jondrama (10:35:09 PM): i actually wanted to see nrost/fixin
Johnnyboy (10:35:14 PM): meh
Johnnyboy (10:35:22 PM): i dont want to see any of these awful movies
Johnnyboy (10:35:23 PM): milk?
jondrama (10:35:33 PM): i dont tolerate lactose
Johnnyboy (10:35:43 PM): the only reason that dude got any press was because he got whacked by a dude who blamed his insanity on junk food
jondrama (10:36:03 PM): who Michael Milk?
Johnnyboy (10:36:13 PM): haha
jondrama (10:36:40 PM): Milky Cabereha
Johnnyboy (10:36:49 PM): jerry lewis?
jondrama (10:36:53 PM): glavin
Johnnyboy (10:37:16 PM): i would so fuck heidi klum with my .... DICK!
jondrama (10:37:44 PM): jerry lewis is like us throwin a 4B tribute to paul w...whats the point
jondrama (10:37:50 PM): daddy wargs
jondrama (10:44:23 PM): i think jerry lewis has jerked off to a pciture of a child...@ least once
Johnnyboy (10:44:56 PM): even worse, i bet out there, there is a child that has jerked off to a picture of jerry lewis.... way more than once
jondrama (10:45:06 PM): guilty
jondrama (10:45:16 PM): i am right now
Johnnyboy (10:45:38 PM): who wrote the pizza boy sketch?guilty....
jondrama (10:45:54 PM): thats a good example of a great sketch
Johnnyboy (10:46:21 PM): jerry looked.... off
jondrama (10:46:34 PM): great now when lewis dies we gotta hear all this shit about it

jondrama (10:48:17 PM): i dont love him, but i respect that he was funny in his younger years
jondrama (10:48:27 PM): and he influence ppl i like
Johnnyboy (10:48:33 PM): i respect his body of work
jondrama (10:49:13 PM): i thought george carlin made better movies
Johnnyboy (10:49:23 PM): i thought everyone made better movies
jondrama (10:49:26 PM): bill and ted, jersey girl
Johnnyboy (10:50:12 PM): yeah but j lewis beat him by living longer
jondrama (10:50:24 PM): i dislike huge cocksmen (Hugh Jackman)
Johnnyboy719 (10:50:32 PM): hes terrible this year
jondrama (10:50:51 PM): i liked him better in 97
Johnnyboy (10:51:13 PM): i liketed him better when i didnt know he existed
jondrama (10:51:14 PM): defiance, shh

Johnnyboy (10:51:53 PM): youre right
Johnnyboy (10:52:51 PM): nominated for best song in a motion picture, Glenn Danzig, Art Garfunkel, Mos Def and Clint Eastwood.... Gran Torino
jondrama (10:54:04 PM): zac effron looks like a robot
Johnnyboy (10:54:30 PM): he looks like a young jared leto. i guess hollywood just keeps churning out jared leto look alikes
jondrama (10:55:29 PM): im sick of dogdick hundredair
Johnnyboy (10:55:46 PM): so am i
Johnnyboy (10:56:07 PM): after best song, you have actress actor, director, foreign film and best movie
Johnnyboy (10:56:14 PM): so at least the good shit will be coming up

(At this point a lavish performance of whatever Indian bullshit song was nominated from Slumcock Fuckstickair)

jondrama (10:56:31 PM): that is how the next xmas party should be
Johnnyboy (10:56:44 PM): like this song?
jondrama (10:56:56 PM): start planning
Johnnyboy (10:57:04 PM): why do i feel like this is the kinda song you hear right before the terrorists cut off your head?
jondrama (10:58:12 PM): i really dont love his music, but john legend is still better than most new r&b
jondrama (10:58:37 PM): he tries to be old school, but yes i know...
jondrama (10:58:47 PM): he should sit in the back of the bus
Johnnyboy (10:58:50 PM): i like the song from the blacksinger!
jondrama (10:59:17 PM): hahaha
Johnnyboy (10:59:23 PM): this is awful
jondrama (10:59:26 PM): did you see the drummer in the aisle
jondrama (10:59:45 PM): i wish i could do that at the oscars...
Johnnyboy (11:00:13 PM): i can just imagine my grandmothers reaction to this spectacle, shes watching it right now
jondrama (11:00:17 PM): but naked w/ only thre drums hiding my charlie browns
jondrama (11:00:42 PM): lot of dark meat on stage, cripes
Johnnyboy (11:01:13 PM): this is some bullshit

(A. Rahman and Some dude named S. Gulzar have just been announced as winners for best song, for Slumfuck Thousandair)

jondrama (11:01:18 PM): ghoulzar???
jondrama (11:01:24 PM): LOL
Johnnyboy (11:01:25 PM): YES GHOULZAR!!!
Johnnyboy (11:01:47 PM): sounds like a ghostbusters arch villain
jondrama (11:02:16 PM): hahaha
jondrama (11:02:23 PM): this is a disaster
Johnnyboy (11:03:36 PM): hey mom, dad, this is Ghoulzar, she and i are to be wed.
Johnnyboy (11:03:51 PM): it and i *

(An Asian man accepting for best foreign film has just captivated the audience by say "Sank ooo" about five times because he can't speak English.)

jondrama (11:07:56 PM): spoken like a true prodigy
Johnnyboy (11:08:11 PM): seinfeld four!!!
jondrama (11:08:25 PM): he always here
jondrama (11:08:44 PM): ah i hope mickey wins and thats it
Johnnyboy (11:09:11 PM): that and i hope meryl streep doesnt win anything, or that cunt anne hathaway
jondrama (11:11:39 PM): ill take mickey or richard jenkins from stealing harvard to win
jondrama (11:11:48 PM): or trapped in paradise
Johnnyboy (11:12:35 PM): little brooks should be up soon
Johnnyboy (11:12:42 PM): whitmore died like two weeks ago
jondrama (11:13:06 PM): jaws died?
Johnnyboy (11:13:13 PM): yeah, sad day for me
Johnnyboy (11:14:29 PM): ha
Johnnyboy (11:14:46 PM): alone on the bus
jondrama (11:14:50 PM): didnt chuck heston die a while ago
Johnnyboy (11:15:29 PM): they keep brining him up.... just so we dont fuckin forget

In the end... it was pretty bad. Sean Penn won because he played a gay guy, Kate Winslet won because she was in a movie about nazis, Slumdog Millionaire won because... well it was actually a pretty shitty year for movies. That being said, I'm looking forward to next year. Toodles movie fans!

Little Brooks

With Oscar season upon us, one thing we can agree on this blog is that we all enjoy a good movie. Last year, I finally got to see The Shawshank Redemption. I mostly held out all of these years because it looked painfully long on cable, but once I saw it, I knew what so many others have been telling me all these years. It was just a great story. A scene in the movie that stayed with me is Brooks being released from prison after 50 years and having to adjust to the world as it was in the 1940s. There was a lot of change the world was going through and for those of you unfamilar check out the video around the 4:00 mark...



Now just imagine if someone were being released from prison trying to catch up with today's everchanging technology? It would drive them mad. With that said, I give my own little short story entitled Little Brooks

After being sentenced in 2001 at the wily age of 18, the now 26 year old Brooks Hatlen III is released from minimum security prison in the winter of 2009. Like his grandfather before him, he finds that life on the outside is quite different than the world he once knew. YouTube, Smartphones, Bluetooth, and googling are words that are quite foreign to this ripened civilian. This is a story of a man dealing with the maladjustment of his new life. This is a story of a man who feels the world has passed him by just like his grandfather once did. This is the story of Little Brooks.

Dear fellas,

“I can’t believe how fast things are moving in the unfathomable year of 2009. If the soaring prices of gasoline weren’t bothersome enough, cars that don’t even run on gas try to run me down now. I guess the world I once knew has a little less gas than it once did. I once saw a cable modem as a child, now they’re everywhere. The internet went and got itself in a big damn hurry. I can barely even Lycos or Ask Jeeves search anymore. Everyone wants me to “google”, but my hands hurt from typing the “Gs” and the “Os.” Sometimes after work I sit by my landline phone and wait for someone to call, but they never do. My once cherished VHS tapes have now been replaced with movies on compact discs and “blue rays.” My old friends back home now play Halo 3 on TVs bigger than a breadbox, but I’m too old for that nonsense. I barely played Halo 1. I don’t think they like me very much. I don’t like it here. The buildings are too big. I like pizza. I’m tired of being Twittered all the time and I’ve decided not to stay. I doubt they’ll kick up any fuss, not for an old dial-up connection like me.

P.S. Tell Little Heywood I’m sorry I put a knife to his balls. Just another day another dollar.”

-Little Brooks

I've been sitting on this silly idea for sketch for awhile now, I think it would be pretty funny, but we are a creative, yet fairly lazy bunch. With that said, Rest In Peace to the real man who played Brooks, James Whitmore and Rest In Peace to you, Little Brooks.

Books That Should Be Written

I do loves me a good book. Problem is, theyre not easy to find. Sure anyone can grab a book off of some ponderous library book shelf, or buy something that catches their eye when theyre browsing through Borders or B&N, but that doesn't mean youre going to enjoy it. I can't tell you how many times I've bought a book and then realized two chapters into it that I would have been better giving a homeless guy 15 bucks to smack me in the face with his bottle of ripple. That being said, I still love books. What I am proposing, is that instead of writing a short synopsis of the book on the dust jacket, the authors themselves write it on the front, with big red letters, so we the consumers can decide if we want to read it or not. Without further ado... books I would love to read.

1. The Cold Summer
Sam, a dimwitted bus driver discovers the topsy turvy world of running a bus terminal after his boss is arrested for exposing himself to the President's prized Yorkshire Terrier. Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll... although Sam doesn't realize that the sex will be with men, and not consensual, the drugs are prescription and make him gassy, and the Rock and Roll is Coldplay.

2. Money Well
Roger is a guy who finds some cash on the street, and a bunch of shit happens to him. It's not that great, but it's only 162 pages so whaddya say?

3. Sarah Von Rattledink Goes To Washington
Sarah, the precocious cock-tease that works at that Starbucks near my kids' school goes to Washington and bangs everything in sight. In the book, we follow Sarah as she showers, shaves her legs slowly, wears next to nothing and goes to sleep everynight with whatever catches her fancy, man woman or beast. In the end she learns a little something about Government when she is forced to run for President by Old Mr. Mcgillicuddy, the cratchety old chimney sweep.

4. Punch Me! The Story of a Small, Smelly Dipshit
Walter smells like urine and maple syrup. He's also really short, and kind of fat. We follow Wally around as he gets the ever-living shit kicked out of him by bigger cooler guys. In the end he tries to kill himself by eating as many marshmallows as he can and washing them down with a bottle of bleach.

5. Abe's Boys
Abraham O'Connel is a bit of a grumpy old miser. He is constantly being bothered by the neighborhood kids' attempts to bring a little love and friendship into his life. Eventually the boys grow up and return to the old 'hood to see if Mr. O'Connel is still loveless and sad. They find that unfortunately he's sadder than ever. After a meeting with the local Priest, the boys decide it's their duty to show Abe that he is loved. They accomplish their mission by mentally torturing the shit out of him for a period of six straight days, until Abe decides that he better love something and soon, or these deranged fucks are gonna finish him off.

6. A Child Abuser Gets Sodomized In Half by a Horse
Needs no description.

7. Ring Around The Rosy
A young man is forced to come to terms with his own mortality after he smokes a joint laced with dogshit.


In the end these books will never be written. I can dream. More to come!

Generation Y Should I Give A Fuck?

Before I go off on this bastardization of the English language, please let me preface. For those of you lucky enough to not be intimately familiar with “Generation Y,” Webster’s Dictionary defines it as:

Generation Y n. The generation following Generation X, especially people born in the United States and Canada from the early 1980s to the late 1990s. [Modeled on Generation X.]

Generation X was just a cool, somewhat mysterious way to name the post baby boomer era, the post “Father Knows Best” mentality. So I was born post Gen-X, during Reganomics, Wall Street yuppies, big hair metal days when Phil Collins ruled the world and a young Metallica was looking to destroy world as we knew it (you know before technology confused and scared them). A guy like He-Man kicked ass, Frankie said relax, Rocky IV ended the Cold War, early cell phone and video game technology was upon us and we weren’t having clip shows talking about this stuff, we were damn well living it. To me, the 1980s just plain rocked. I was too young to understand or concern myself with Regan’s politics. I didn’t care. I was growing up in an interesting time, discovering new technologies, contently laughing at cliché cartoons and sitcoms of the era. All right, AIDS and crack cocaine may have been a product of the time but I was too little to engage in hardcore drugs and sexual relations (would have been a really interesting first 7 years of my life though). Anyway all good chapters must come to an end and someone with a bullshit job just had to label our generation. Post Gen-X, how about Generation Y? Creative? Hardly. Bullshit? Indubitably.

My overall contempt of this term has come from my professional life (which I will not indulge any further in case Jon Drama and the man behind the keyboard get ousted). People nearly twice my age are telling me the “millennials” (another ricockulous term for Gen-Y) are the waaaave of the future and that I should be reading blogs to understand what my professional peers are up to. They tell me that I should be blogging (which I have been doing long before co-workers told me of the “fad”). I do this for fun and when I am old, married and slipping into senility, I can look back and see my thoughts of varying subjects and have a laugh and remind myself that I was once a witty, charming young man. Why would I want to talk about whatever I want, when I could find 5,000 different ways to talk about what Generation Y will do to “change the world.” As I said before, the people telling me to grasp these changes are twice my age, withered old dreamers of a bygone era and just don’t have a clue.

Sometimes my peers send me blogs to make me think about the changes this crazy world is undergoing. One of my co-workers knows my true feelings on Generation Y and sends me blogs to get me fired up so I can send a witty retort. Unsurprisingly, it works every time. My latest response was to a blog about Mobile Marketing And Generation Y. The bottom line is that our generation is annoyed with text message advertisements. I will not post “their” blog for sake of not creating a hassle, but here was my response:

“I actually just read this blog (I tend to have more free time up here) and it is utterly horrible. 514 words to simply say: Text advertisements aren’t effective. Period. It’s not a generational issue either. That’s another crock of shit. That is simply *****’s attempt to market and brand themselves (which has worked to a degree I guess). By doing this, aging people who think they are “up with the change” (here’s a hint his name rhymes with Crack) think they stumbled onto something revolutionary. Text message advertisements don’t work. Big shit. I think if my 90 year old grandma (bless her heart) had a cell phone, she would agree text messages selling a product suck balls. I think if I start a blog stating the painfully obvious, maybe I will get some unjustifiable respect. Here’s one:

Shitty Days Ahead: Why Generation Y Will Not Stand For 1-Ply Toilet Paper

Great! Throw it on Twitter. Twitter my balls I say. Twitter them indeed.”

For those of you unaware of what Twitter is, it is simply another social networking application that pretty much seems to function the same as Facebook’s status update. Fucking pointless. The more technology I have the more update to date I will be. Everyone’s status is awful too; for once I would just like to leave “Jon Drama is masturbating furiously before his date so he doesn’t blow a unctuous load on the off-chance the girl touches his dangle before night’s end.” Back to Generation Y, the blogs on the matter are obvious and redundant. Plus as much as it’s cool see know that my peers are “taking a stand” and attempting to carve out a niche for our era, where does all of this “advice” come from? Google, their parents, college professor, a “really neat” NPR podcast or just out of plain air? Its just plain subjective thinking at its finest marketed as key tips, “facts”, and various countdown lists that us youngens need to survive in today’s workplace. Who needs a book when you can just curl up with your laptop? Ugh, I love technology, but I still prefer a real book, a good newspaper and a phone conversation not inundated with text messages to get my point across. Since these Gen-Y blogs are so subjective, here is a top 10 list (!) of attention-grabbing, Gen-Y blog topics equally asinine:

1. Double Sided Dildos - The Future of Peer 2 Peer Networking…Today!
2. Today’s Pain In The Ass: Why Millennials Will Change Conventional Thinking About Anal Sex
3. Top Four Ways To Hide An Erection In The Office & Still Show How Horny You Are
4. Entrepreneur Or Korean Sex Trafficker? Does It Matter?
5. Why Swamp-ass Will Give You The Edge At The Company Picnic
6. How To Effectively Utilize A Bullwhip & A Bottle Of Gin In Today’s Workplace
7. Is It Better To Have A Raging Semi Or Stay Flaccid During Business After-hours?
8. Dildonic Delights: Plugging Up Estrogen Levels In The Millennial’s Workplace
9. How Showing Your Tits On Facebook Will Stimulate The Economy...and My Pants
10. Trim The Hedges or Scorch The Earth? Pubic Hair Grooming Tips For Young Professionals

Thanks for the tips Gen-Y, but if you are looking for real advice, here it is: live. Be young, make mistakes and learn from them. Live your fucking life. We are human. Fall on your ass and get up because tomorrow is a new day. So come back hungrier…or hornier, but live dammit, live.