Things I Should Say To A Hooters Waitress

Did I just refer to them as waitresses? The term waitress is indicative of work and effort. I digress, ah The Hooters. One of the last bastions of politically incorrect forms of "guy-time." I won't go into a terrible diatribe bashing Hoots, I don't care enough, but I'll say this; the food and service is terrible. At the end of the day, it's still a place of dining. Maybe your PG-13 version of sex and stripper-like clubs, but still a place of business nonetheless. I have never gone for the food, it's terrible. To me, it gets my Spike TV loving, thrill-seeking douchebag friends a chance to look at scantily-clad women pour beer into a mug while staring at some cleavage. One thing I noticed about the service is that the girls seem to show pity and thus some inkling of a personality towards fat losers, cripples and white trash people that bring the entire family, including the kids. I don't fall into any of those categories, so most of the time, I am shit out of luck in the customer service realm. With that said, here is a short list of things I'd like to say to a Hooters server:

Do you fuck while while wearing the "uniform?"
Make the hand-quotes when you ask too, just so they get the point. Unless she has a great personality (which I seriously doubt) or is too hot for you to ask, I really see no point in dating a "server" without doing this. Who wouldn't want to drop those tiny orange shorts at least once in their lifetime? Hmmm, perhaps that's another restaurant altogether (tossing the name Cooters around), but I'll save that for another blog.

You're gorgeous! You must be a high-end working girl!
I've been told I have an eye for the ones that are banging local mayors.

Do you have a boyfriend? I bet he has never introduced you to his parents!
I wouldn't either.

Thank you for the bill, may I grab your tits?
Even though I am the one getting fucked with overpriced, shitty food, I still like to grab a girl's boobs during any halfway decent American sexual encounter.

Get me some eggs, will ya?
Hey, no deep-seed issues with this one, sometimes I just want some damn eggs from time to time. They're fuckin healthy for ya.

Fuck off.
Kids learn this early on; the good looking people win in life in the interim. Sorry Molly Ringwold, but its usually true. You're good looking, you get attention, so you can get away with lousy, insincere service and still get that great tip by the fat, crippled guy. Looks fade, the tits will get saggy, unless crippy boy get you that lift. Fuck off.

When it's all said and done, when my friends go to Hooters, I walk to the nearby Friendlys and get better food at a friendlier price, then meet up for a beer. I'll take a fat chick serving me good food while providing excellent customer service any day of the week over a miserable Hooters girl that is more focused on having her loser boyfriend in the 1998 Honda Civic with the bad rims pick her up so she can get a "Mani" or a "Pedi." Chances are the fat chick at Friendly's is better in the sack too, after all, she did provide better service, right? I'm just sayin...

-JF