Fuck It: A 2011 Bucket List

Everyone wants to get rich, go skydiving or share an intimate last moment with a significant other before they die. My goals are a little different than most, so with that said, here is my own bucket list of things I want to do before I die.

• Walk into a hot girl’s house and start playing the beginning to Van Halen’s Right Now. After finding out that the girl has no frame of reference because she is hot and thus unimpressed with my piano playing, I flip the piano over and set it ablaze.
• Recant a story to my children about running over a bunch gang bangers that attempted to mug me with my car. When my pussy son asks if any of them died, I reply, “Don’t know. Never turned back to look.” Then I put a cigarette out on my tongue.
• Break an iPad in half over my knee like a baseball bat.
• Give someone a VCR as a Christmas present.
• Pull off my father’s mustache and yell, “A-ha!!” He later tells me I’m adopted and disowns me.
• Jump into a public swimming pool with a knife between teeth.
• Take a girl out to a smoky jazz club, whisper something to the doorman that gets a chuckle out of him and gets us in for free. When the girl asks what I said, I look at her like she’s crazy.
• Fend off a large Samoan with a tiki torch.
• Get rich and famous enough to tell my current Facebook friends to go fuck themselves.
• When a girl refuses to kiss me due to a scruffy 5 o’clock shadow, I pull out a bowie knife and shave in front of her. We make love for several hours afterwards.  

In the end, I'm probably just going to take a last breath, crap my pants and be buried in my suit that I wore for my Confirmation when I was 15, so I might as well enjoy life before my body says, "fuck it."

-JF

Hip Hop Once Saved My Life

Dear Children of Today,

You might hear some of us older (25 years+) fans of the rap genre clamoring for the days of yore as it pertains this creative outlet of artistic expression. Names like Gangstarr, De La Soul, A Tribe Called Quest and even the Wu-Tang Clan likely mean little to you. If you are reading this, you probably want to know what it was really like. Well kids, this was hip-hop as we all knew it:



If this music video teaches us anything its:

1) You can walk into a complete stranger's house and "rap" your way out of a breaking and entering.
2) Other than the obviously necessary bling and fly kicks, you can "flow" your way into taking whatever you want.
3) DO NOT include your ulterior motives in your rhymes.
4) Have fun!

Make sense? Long story short, my great grandparents might not have been too keen on Elvis' "crazy" (at the time) dance moves, my grandparents probably didn't "get" The Doors, my dad doesn't see the skill in rapping spoken word over a sample and I don't enjoy the new music with the auto-tuner in every song (although I feel my generational gap of good music has ended way too early). Every generation, by and large, dislikes the current trend and clamors back to the old days. Unfortunately, I have to come to grips with this at the age of 26. Can't music just be yabba-dabba delicous forever?

-JF