5 People You Don't Wanna Leave Your Kids With

Its a fucking jungle out there. Or so the story goes. Anyway, I was thinking about kids the other day, and more to the point my kids (if I ever have any) and I wondered what my screening process would be for babysitters. Everyone is pretty messed up in one way or another, but who would be the MOST messed up? That's who I'd pick. Toughen them up young, I don't want some whiny crybaby who is going to throw a fit every time I say the word "no." Without further ado... here are 5 people that YOU don't want to leave your kids with. Some of them are dead... but you get the point.

1. GG Allin Well just take a look at that picture. It says it all. Alot of people don't know who GG Allin was, and thats kind of a shame. I'm not going to describe exactly who GG was, but lets just say that if you went to a Murder Junkies show in the late 80's or early 90's there was a good chance you would either get raped (orally, vaginally and anally) beaten to within an inch of your life, or had piss, shit, blood and cum thrown on you by that guy right up there. So yeah leaving your kids with this guy would be a bad idea. Oddly enough, GG had a daughter. She's off the grid and with good reason, so we're not sure if she's started raping people yet, but we're almost positive shes thrown piss on at least one person. Oh and GG is dead, but I'm guessing you wouldn't wanna leave your kids with his ghost either.

2. The Character, Vern Schilinger from the Show Oz

Ohhh yeah you remember this guy. He raped Beecher and then carved a swastika into his ass with a red hot ball point pen. NOT a good guy to leave your kids with. Now there are two schools of thought here... Mine (the right one) and Yours, the reader's (the wrong one) Mine goes as follows: with the way the world is going and the direction this country is heading in, it might not be bad for a tyke to learn how to survive in prison, or at least how to make a shank. Yours goes like this: oh boo hoo I need another latte, little Piearson and Madison need to be taken care of when I'm out taking my daily constitutional, oh my stars boo hoo. You fuckin' pansy. But no seriously folks, don't leave your kids with nazis.

3. Lt. Dan TaylorI always liked this guy. Even in Ransom. Sinise is a good actor but Lt. Dan would be awful as a babysitter. Not because of his drinking, or his penchant for banging strippers, or his dirty appearance... but because he wouldn't be able to get around that easy and what if your kids decide to play in the stove? His wheels could get caught on something. Don't leave your kids with Lt. Dan or anyone else in a wheel chair.

4. Janeane Garofalo

Somehow she'd figure out a way to turn your kids into lesbians. Even if you have boys. There is something about this woman that just makes me queasy. She's not funny, attractive or important in any way shape or form in the entertainment business. She's a superfluous jerk. If you left your kids with her for a couple of hours they would instantly lose any future in having a sense of humor. Sometimes I think this woman was spawned just to remind us from time to time that there is always someone worse off than we. I know she has more money than me and that shes a C maybe B list celebrity but I can say without a doubt that I'm better than her. So are you. So are we all.

5. Me

Look at how regally my ascot is tucked into my waistcoat. Sheer poetry in clothing. Anyway no really I suck at watching kids. I was a camp counselor for about 5 years too... that didn't help anything. I used to play a game called "executioner" with my kids where everyday I'd select one of my campers to be my "hitman" and throughout the day we would pick out campers at random, take them about ten feet away from the group, make them kneel, execution style, and he or she and I would whip dodgeballs at the back of the kid's head - much to the delight of the other campers. They actually loved the game, and I got a kick out of throwing dodgeballs at kids. It was win win. I think one of the reasons that I don't think you'd want me to watch your kids is because I really don't like them. Maybe when they're my own I'll change my mind but I really doubt it. So I guess I am going to have to pawn them off on my parents until they reach an age when I won't find them so annoying... maybe around 23. Then I'll do the whole father thing with them. At this rate, I'm not worried about it because I don't even remember what a vagina looks like.

Woe is me.

Kids Are Assholes

As a full grown human adult, I realize one thing: I can be, at times and generally, an asshole. Some say its my most negative and some (especially my comrades here) think its so negative, it’s almost a positive trait. Whether it’s “borrowing” a DVD I don’t intend on ever giving back to an aquaintance, photochopping a friend in an unflattering light, avoiding or pretending I didn’t see someone in public from high school, work, or from my not that distant past (oh yeah, I saw you), I am an asshole. Hell, we are a society based on assholes. We’ve all purposefully ate the last slice without asking, parked where we weren’t supposed to, not picked up the phone for someone that doesn’t know what a loser they are, “called out sick,” threatened harsh acts of death towards fellow drivers, or just plain killed a guy. Some of our most successful public figures are assholes (Donald Trump, Gene Simmons, most U.S. Presidents, etc.). I could go on and on, but I am here to talk about a whole other society of assholes that oft times go well overlooked: children.

Children are assholes. Sure, when they are born they come out of one hole, but they act like the other in turn. Ever wonder why people say, “Don’t act like a baby.” Simply stated, you are acting like a first class, Grade-A, Glenn Guilia asshole. I’m not bashing kids, I love my nieces and nephew. I think they are awesome, but like any decently flawed human being, they do act accordingly. Crying to get your way, pandering for the newest toys, dominating the television, wearing your shoes on the wrong foot, watching the same DVD over AND OVER again, and knowingly taking what’s not yours, I even know some people my age that still act that way. I have to admire it in a way. If life was hockey, children would be goons. Yet, why aren’t children brought to justice and called out on these flaws? Well, some are grounded and some get a “time out” (mostly by pussy white parents that need to go back to “Caucasia” forever), but we forgive children because they are young, unknowledgeable, immature and don’t know any better, like your typical Mets fan. If you knew, sooner or later, that you would have to grow up, wouldn’t you really milk acting however you want? Bear in mind that there are many adults who act this way and, of course, the mentally challenged are excused. However, should you read this and still do any of these acts of childhoody, you may in fact be mentally challenged. If so, ask your folks what the deal is or if they are too busy drooling and laughing at a pink bouncy ball (or watching According To Jim on syndication), please see a doctor. With that said, I am majestically segwaying into another list. Why majestically? Because I myself am a royal asshole. Anyway, here’s a short list of things children do to make themselves Lil Denis Learies…

Pee wherever you want (while sober) – I miss this one, especially in the tub. Nothing like waking up, taking a shower to clean off the grime of hours elasped, and getting rid of some excess urine in the process (sorry, ladies). Taking a piss naked is great (I am man, hear me roar…and drip). Somewhere down the line, I knew that my parents standing on my old urine (soap can’t rid everything) was wrong and stopped (regardless of pipes leading to one place, Costanza). I think when I was an infant and fully potty-trained I remember knowingly pissing myself one last time, thinking, “Mom, will make the arrangements.” That, my friends, is the work of a true asshole. Great work, pissy pants.

Spill something and NOT pick it up – This was awesome. There is nothing funnier and scarier than a really little kid trying to pour a 2 liter or gallon container into a tiny cup or glass. Best and worst case scenario, the glass is missed, the beverage container is dropped, spilled, and the glass is shattered. It really sucks if you are the adult and have to clean it up and naturally you would be peterbed. This leads to anger at the child. If you are a smart child, you cry, the parent feels sorry, and said child gets the beverage and didn’t have to clean up anything. Nice play, bucktooth.

Eating “stuff” – Stuff isn’t limited to food, either. How do you think we know that grass, ear wax, boogers, and Legos tasted bad (alright this blog is turning into the Freddy Got Fingered script). “Excuse me waiter, I’ll have the dandelion, mashed french fries sprinkled with your finest boogers and for desert I’ll have some ear wax along with the Lego. You know, the ones small enough to get lodged in my throat, so I may possibly die, sir.” Excellent choice. Way to live on the edge, Bingo. Moving on…

Wear whatever you want (while being deemed a “normal”) - I once went out of the house to play in a cartoon-Magic Johnson sweatshirt, cheap neon sunglasses, red jean shorts, yellow Hulk Hogan wristbands, purple Donatello TMNT kneepads, cheap neon green and blue sneakers from Bob’s, a cape and a tophat (yes, I had one back then too). I was the Teenage Mutant Hogan Johnson Magician Turtle Retard (I don’t feel tardy). My brother concurred to say the least. Way to dress, Palooka.

Wear flip-flops everywhere and not be an asshole – As a kid I wore my fair share of cartoon-themed sandals. To me it’s a beach and kid thing. But from stoners with “Jesus” sandals to women wearing them out at night, flip-flops are everywhere. I am writing this at work as we speak (a professional office job) and I hear that unmistakable flip-flop sound…and it gives me a friggin tumor (actually, it’s not a tuma). Flippity-floppity, open-toed whores. It annoys me, you ain’t at the beach sweetpants and unless you’re a kid, don’t do it. Be a fuckin pro, dollface.

If you are a kid and are smart enough to read this, keep it up, your cuteness will die sooner than you think. A Long Island drunk once said, these are the times to remember, so do just that. P.S. – if you are an ugly kid: beware. The tables will drastically turn. As Americans, we feel sorry for ugly kids, but in adulthood, you’ll get what coming to you, you ugly stupid kid. Until next time, learn to love it, learn to live with it, diamonds are forever, but your youth ain’t, you little shits.