My Friend Phil….and Why I Hate Him

Hate? What do I hate? Who do I hate? The answer lies in our blog administrator….

Well, hate is a strong word but it gives the title that extra zing. Speaking of zing, let me tell you about this guy I know named Phil and why we are even friends. So I meet this kid when he was 15, whist I was 18 (and had a killer stache, but that’s another blog). We started off hating each other (truth be told it was on my end because I’m a bitter asshole). So we are at lame graduation party, wasted eating cake. The party ends, I hear of an after party, and inquire about going. I am greeted with a, “Shut the fuck up!” Of course it was from Phil. I brood in silence. I hate this punk. I just wanted to go to the after party. We never went to that after party and Phil would be a major part of what would be the best summer of my life (2001: A 4B Odyssey or the Summer of Love, whichever you wish). Our mutual love of good hip-hop, amputee boxing (remember that?), girls, CKY and Jackass-related forms of comedy, underage drinking (and other forms of getting wasted), and Jiminy Glick (I still can’t say the word “wonderful” without doing a raspy Glick voice) gave us a wonderful common ground for a prosperous and treacherous friendship.

So in the years that followed, Phil dressed really preppy, killed a lot of brain cells, and eventually wound up in a boys’ reform school (as we still call it Bad Kids’ Camp). We were decent friends, but at this point, I really wouldn’t care if the guy ran off to Mexico and started banging cattle. Soon he moved a mere 10 minutes away from me and it’s been great times, but we have got to hate on the shmuck. So, let’s get to just some of his many phases:

Sure, there’s been preppy (previously alluded to), occupational (shit, everyone wants to be something awesome until they realize what a loser they really are, Phil was no exception), line cook, snowboarder, and my personal favorite…METAL.

Sometime in the year 2005, Phil decided, “Fuck brody, I don’t just like metal I LOVE ITITIT!!!” Thus, a new Phil was born. Watching Phil lose his mind (and hair in the form of a mohawk) into a phenomenal genre of music, while temporary roommate Jay had to deal with this and sweep up Phil’s excess man-hair was a hilarious site to behold. In fact, it should have been a sitcom. It would have been the millennium version of Perfect Strangers. Speaking of Perfect Strangers, I think that could some up both of us in terms of our love of metal. I am Larry, calm, quiet, knowledgeable fan of metal, with an incredibly short fuse. Phil is Balki, an idiot. Looks and dresses stupid (ugh, those Travis Barker hoodies, come on Phil), but heart is in the right place. I digress, so there are many ways to show your love of heavy metal. You can really love the music, start a band and have the ballsy idea to make that your job forever while being a success. You can also just be a really big fan, write for a magazine, or have a semi-serious, yet light-hearted band (Tenacious D). Or you can be Phil and make the proclamation that you simply ARE metal without actually winning any actual contests or awards to prove so. Instead, he’s managed to obnoxiously rub it in all of his remaining friends’ faces and play music as loudly as possible. Do I think Phil is metal? Absolutely, if by metal you mean being born with a Silver Spoon in you mouth. But I guess by that way of thinking, Ricky Schroader is metal too. Ah, but wait tattoos make the metal and Phil’s got ‘em. Ask him how he paid for them and maybe you’ll get one too (when daddie comes back from the colonies, meh). So is this “metal” thing just a phase? If it still annoys my other friends and he stays true to the form, I sincerely hope it’s his way of life.

So, it is a new year, and a new phase must come. It has and it is in the form of snowboarding. I think snowboarding looks really fun and takes a degree of patience and skill to master (not as much athleticism as our tubby administrator would have you believe). So a couple of his old friends have moved away and thus, the snowboarding circle of trust has opened up a spot. Phil has jumped at the chance like a homeless dog in heat and is now a snowboarder this year. Sure, I’ve made fun of the boy for “shredding,” but it is because he deserves it for mentioning it every five minutes. Do I care? Not so much. Am I jealous? I am as jealous of snowboarders as much as I am jealous of firefighters. I don’t like too much heat and I don’t like too much cold. I am a rather lukewarm individual. Since this is a hate blog and not a bitch blog (and pretty much the only ones that read this are Phil and some other guy anyway), let’s safely tuck this blogredy up. Phil…

He’s a jerk. He’s out of shape. He gave me LESS food when he was a line cook at a local rib joint. He’ll shower only when he has too. His driving scares all my other friends. You stand the chance of getting arrested just hanging out with him. He listens to music too loudly and doesn’t care about your headache. He controls the TV like a modern day Hitler. He’s an Atheist. He talks too loud. He eats too much. He’s lazy. He’s unemployed most of the time. He never has much cash on him, but stands to inherit millions. He’ll tell you what an awesome time he had when you weren’t there…and painstakingly regurgitate every last detail of said “awesome time.” Yet I trust him with my life. He is one of my best friends. I guess the biggest compliment I can pay him is that I wrote a hateblog on him. Phil, I hate your guts like a brother. God bless. Oh, wait that Atheist thing, Bob Denver was an Atheist too, so Gilligan Bless.

Don’t worry Johnnyboy, you’ll get yours one day too…

AIM Away Messages...

So, first, let me say that I think AIM is great. It's a hell of a lot easier than having to call someone and actually pretend to give a shit about what they're telling you. The one problem I have is with the FUCKING RETARDED away messages people leave. First off, if you're going to be away from your computer for hours on end, dont you think you should just... turn it off? When you go out for the night, do you leave your television on? I didn't think so. You're telling me that you're really SO important that everyone has to know what you're doing for the next six hours? Get over yourself. Here is a short list of acceptable and unacceptable away messages:

"Around" - what, the world in 80 days? Technically at all times you're around something, even in the desert you're around sand, in space, you're around planets, in the ocean, you're around giant squid. This one is okay though. This one is basically saying that you're close by, and if you see a message pop up you'll answer the person. However...if you put this one up and then go to the store or something like that, may a psycho kill you with an icicle. In the end, Acceptable.

"Out With My Girls" - Did you buy them? Inherit them from a rich uncle who just happened to have some enslaved girls in his basement? I know personally that I am not anyone's posession. In the end this horrible message is basically saying "I'm out drinking and slutting around, shave your balls, powder up and come ravage me with a street cone." This one is completely Unacceptable... ugh... I'm actually very angry now.

"Leave Some Love" - This one just scares me. Rapists say shit like that. "Hey man I left some love on the table for her to remember me by." One time I left a big puddle of love on my friends little brother's bed after I hooked up with my ex-girlfriend on it. Did I use that as an away message? Actually, I may have... Acceptable.

"Song Lyrics-Movie Quotes" - Alright, most of the time this can be acceptable. Under the following circumstances it is never acceptable: A. The song was written or performed by Dave Matthews. ; B. The movie's title is one word and that word is 'Notebook'. ; C. Lyrics are purposely chosen to show people that you are depressed. ; D. You wrote the lyrics. ; E. The movie you are quoting is a snuff film. Sometimes acceptable.

"Anything In Another Language" - WOW YOU CAN SPEAK SOMETHING OTHER THAN ENGLISH?? Holy shit, you must have gone to grammar school!! Lucky bastard! Unacceptable.
(Additionally, most of the time the unholy fuckers who put up away messages in other languages can't even speak that language.)

"Sappy Bullshit About Boy/Girlfriend" - Congratulations, you're getting laid regularly. These are simply the worst. No one, and I mean no one gives a living fuck about who you're currently with, "the sweetest guy/girl in the world". Most of the time these are put up by girls, as guys don't usually want to broadcast that they have a girlfriend and thusly discourage any other chicks who might be driving hard to the hoop. Girls love to make their friends jealous, and what better way than to let the world know that you can't talk to them on the computer because you're with Mr. Right. In actuality the situation is more like, your boyfriend comes over, pretends to listen to you for a couple hours, sits through whatever awful movie you pick, tries to convince you to have a couple drinks, stares at your tits, fucks the ever-living shit out of you then runs out of there as fast as he can. Oh, he may kiss you sweetly when he leaves, and he might even whisper "love you" as he walks out, but rest assured the minute that door is closed hes saying something like, "Jeeesus Christ". Unacceptable.

Addition by Phil-"Angry Bullshit About Boyfriend/Girlfriend" - Again, what the fuck needs to be explained here? You're in a relationship (which the whole world already knows because you made sure to spend a fucking week customizing your facebook profile around that fact) and you're mad at your significant other. I'm betting that's the first time that's ever happened in the history of the world. Like John said, you're getting laid regularly, and now, you get to have angry make-up (or break-up) sex with that person. Either way that's better than me, sitting at home jerking off and reading away messages hoping maybe I can get some from one of these dumb cunts. Suck it up (literally) and quit bitching about your significant other, and just be happy that you've got someone (as so many lonely fucks don't).

I could go on but I'm not going to. Long story short, no one is that important that their friends NEED to know what theyre doing when theyre not talking to them. Shit the spelll check isnt working. Please excuse the lack of punctuation. God Im pissed now.

Britney Spears is going crazy.... I love it.

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Don't Like Bush? I Don't Care.

"There comes a time in every man's life when he must affirm his allegiance to his country, and to stop bitching about things he cannot change, or suck an enormous jungle cock." - Thomas Jefferson

Alright maybe Thomas Jefferson didn't say that, but then again maybe he did... were you there?? yeah thought so. Listen up people, like him or hate him he's going to be in office for another year. I personally don't hate the man. I don't love him either. I like alot of his policies, especially the ones where we get to pump hot lead into Qu'ran-sucking jihadist muslim scum-fucks. I also dislike alot of his policies. As you're reading this, I bet you're saying to yourself... "I don't care". Good, now you know how I feel.

Yesterday I saw a bumper sticker that said something to the effect of, "only one more year"... after pulling over to the side of the road and collecting myself after about thirty seconds of epileptic rage which made me lose my breath and see the face of Satan himself, I relaxed. What the living son of a fuck point is this guy trying to make? "Boy I really dislike our current president, but I only have to deal with him for another year... I shall purchase a bumper sticker to inform everyone driving behind me that I am unhappy with our current leadership, then I shall shove my own head up my anus"... because anyone who thinks they are so important that their personal political views must be known by all, needs to be shot in the head with a large, sharp, dil-doh shaped arrow, preferably on fire. Bumper stickers predicting the inevitable... we are all going to hell slowly. I am going to get a sticker made up saying, "Dec. 25 Is Christmas". It's just as ridiculous.

If Hitler had killed ego-maniacal cocksuckers instead of well... everyone that wasn't him, I bet there would be statues of him all over the globe. My point is this... shut up. No one cares about how you feel about the president, and I would put a thousand dollars down on a bet that if you randomly asked affirmed Bush haters why they hated the man they would probably say... "because of the war". Follow that question with what don't you like about the war? they'd probably say, "ummm cuz war is bad". No shit. Go suck some patchouli hippie... this isn't the 60's and you can't change the world, and your pissy bumper stickers, t-shirts and protests aren't going to make this year go by any faster.

I think the problem is that kids today are told that they are special and unique and their opinions are important. Let me finish this by telling you the cold, hard awful awful truth...

YOU SUCK AND NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR YOU WHINE

God Bless America

An Observation In Prose, A Sight for Sore Eyes.

I have said this before, and actually written about the feeling I am going to convey to you, dear reader, so here it goes. Blind people just piss me off. Maybe it"s because they're so driven, or maybe it's because I saw "Road House" recently, and I fucking hate Jeff Healey, but the feeling remains the same, and I'll tell you why.

Blind people are the most selfish bastards on the planet. I'm sorry that you can't see, that must suck, but shut up about it, you're not dead, dying, or in the process of trying to die. You got dealt a shitty hand, but so did a lot of other people. Why is sight the most important sense? I know personally, that if I couldn't listen to the sound of babies crying, or the sound of grown men crying, I would probably off myself with the nearest sharp object.

"How could he say that?", you ask yourself...trust me, it's easy and you probably feel the same way about some group of unfortunate slobs, but you are too much of a pansy to say anything about it. We put a man on the moon, we split the atom, we made a longer lasting light bulb...yet still, we slaughter each other by the dumpster load for the most ridiculous reasons. Don't fool yourself. It's survival of the fittest. It is natural to look down on someone for being, well...disadvantaged, but that's not a license to give ol' blind willy a flat tire and a slap to the cock. Don't spend thousands on therapy because of your guilt for calling the retarded kid from the third grade "Mongo".

That being said... shut up, blind people. Until you start donating money, and time, and effort to people without other senses...I don't want to see you, your thick Ray-Bans, or your smelly-ass seeing eye dogs anywhere. (HAHAHA!! That's right, I said "see you".)