Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Facebook Suggests That You and I Become Friends, I Suggest You Drop Dead

I remember the first day of high school, and I remember the last. Ok, the first day of high school was nerve wracking, uncomfortable, new, exciting, and in the end started four years of my life that I would really rather forget. The last day, was liberating, exciting and offered me the options of either making connections that hopefully would last, or turning around and saying a big "drop dead" to the majority of people that were wearing caps and gowns that day. I chose to say drop dead. In fact, to this day I only speak to two people from high school regularly, and maybe a grand total of 5 altogether. Here's my point ; graduation offers every kid a crossroads, at a very special time in their adult-formative years and whichever road they choose says alot about how things are going to turn out for them. It is the first real social decision you'll ever make completely on your own. Up until that point, your social path has been laid out for you by parents and the inevitability of school. Then school itself shapes you: the music you like, the kind of person you are, the clothes you wear, the things you enjoy, will more than likely determine what "clique" you fall into. Graduation is the young man or young woman's first opportunity to decide about his or her path as they move away from being a kid and take the first step on the road to adulthood. You can either stay within the safety net of your clique, that comforted you for the previous four years or you can say 'fuck you' to the clique and decide to become your own person.

I said fuck you. So did Jon. So did my friend Paul. That is why the three of us who were friends in high school, became great friends over time after high school. So when facebook asks me if I'd like to be friends with someone that I went out of my way NOT to be friends with, it pisses me off. This is yet another option facebook came up with to try to keep the user on the site for a few more minutes than they would usually stay on... for the purposes of advertising. Now I know that to make a buck and more importantly, to keep facebook free of charge, they need to make money off of advertising. Great, I got it. This is another invasion of privacy that facebook has decided will make all of our lives better. I know I forget my best friends all the time... thank you facebook for reminding me of their presence on the planet. Its blatant, and annoying. Every once in a while, someone will "friend" me and I will wonder how the hell they even remembered my name from years ago; then it will dawn on me. "Suggestions." Fuck.

In the end it is not a big deal. I just feel that we are regressing slowly. Now technologies are subtly second-guessing important social and developmental decisions that we made / make. Do you really not want to be friends with this guy or girl? Shouldn't you bury the hatchet? Don't you want to be friendly? Give me a break. I'll make these decisions for myself and accept the consequences. If I blow someone off when I am 18 and then desperately want to re-connect ten years later but can't because I buried their name in my memory... I'll have to deal with that and maybe, just maybe I'll end up learning a lesson from it. Am I overreacting? Yes, I probably am. My point stands though; make up your own minds about people, and ignore the suggestions from machines.

Monday, July 13, 2009

I Have To Say I Really Don't Mind That All These "celebs" are Dying.

Ed McMahon. Farrah Fawcett. Michael Jackson. Billy Mays. Steve McNair. I think I'm probably missing a couple. But lets face it, who gives a shit? When I heard Ed McMahon died, I sorta shrugged. He was old, and unfortunately old people have a tendency to die. Now I'm not saying I wanna see more celebs drop dead, but I wouldn't mind a few more. It's been entertaining to say the least.


What a guy. His funeral bankrupted California. Talk about the king of the freaks sticking it to the State of clowns. That'd be like if Osama Bin Laden's funeral bankrupted Al Qaeda.


I guess I feel bad that this guy is dead. He never really pissed me off, aside from the yelling and slight lisp. I will say this... his pitch technique almost always made me not want to buy anything he was selling. So his shtick worked in reverse on me, but nevertheless it worked.


We expected this guy to hang on? Look at him. He looks like an extra on "The Sopranos : The Autumn Years" Whats with the velour track suit? Oh well. See ya Ed.


I bet alot of guys out there who jerked off to this poster fantasized about fucking Farrah Fawcett up the ass, and I hope the irony is not lost on them. That being said, she is the one celeb that we lost that I feel genuinely sorry for. She was overshadowed by the prince of jackass's death and Farrah was pushed to the back. Plus, she was gorgeous in her day. RIP Farrah

Death is a part of life. Or so they say. Either way when its a famous person we tend to care a bit more than say, oh I don't know a war hero or somebody like that. We give air-time and extravagant funerals to perverts though, and dammit, we're the best at that. God Bless the USA.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Books That Should Be Written, Vol. 2

Well, after weeks and weeks of reading sub-par books I've decided that I am going to compile another list of books that should be written. Without further ado...

1. Carrot Fucker ; The Katherine Hepburn Story.
We follow Kate's steps as she grew from a precocious spoiled little brat to a homely man-faced thespian. Also, we delve into my theory that she maintained her sanity on the set of "Suddenly Last Summer" by soothing her throbbing sexual urges with carrots, the popular phallic vegetable found in many salads. She then dies.

2. The Rainbow's Heart of Love
A biography on Adolph Hitler written by Al Sharpton, and in the voice and tone of Dr. Seuss' "Cat In The Hat." "Too cold to go out, to wet to play ball, so we sat in the Reichstag and did nothing at all... brothas and sistas."

3. Return Game
James is a retired CIA operative who is thrust into the world of underground slave trafficking. James has been down on his luck since he left the Agency, but now whether he likes it or not, he's going back undercover in a heroic attempt to save a young man's life. On his way to Mumbai to track down the little tyke, he loses interest completely and ends up blowing it hard over the weekend in London. Andy may be lost forever, but James will have stories to tell for years to come.

4. Watch Out!
A picture book of people doing everyday things, such as ; firing handguns at orphanages, masturbating with a wooden glove, old women picking fights with shadows, a cat shitting on the President's golf bag, two drunks dueling with dil-doh's, a Priest pimp smacking a ho, a toddler with "fuck off" tattooed on his forehead. Things like that.

5. Move Over Rover and Let Schlomo Take Over
Schlomo, the slow witted kosher butcher who has a love for rock music and checkers, decides to take his show on the road. He is mocked and beaten in every town he performs in until he hires, Reggie, the gruff old Irish dock worker to be his bodyguard / lover. Things get weird when Schlomo books a gig at a KKK rally, believing it to be the popular, " kool kosher kids " group he was thrown out of in his youth. After years of mediocre success, Schlomo challenges Matisyahu to a fight to the death, but Matisyahu is busy getting laid. Schlomo decides to kill himself, but Reggie has the gun and he's all the way across town so he grabs a burger instead.

6. Damage Report If You Please
A young girl is forced to come to grips with reality when she discovers that she beer she had been sipping had a cigarette in it.

7. Fudge
The dark, dismal story of Ebeneezer Fudge, the sexually retarded ice cream truck driver who gets his jolly's from peeing on hobo's in the night.

In the end none of these books will ever be written. That's why this country is going to hell.

Monday, July 6, 2009

Putting The "I" In Team

So I have made an attempt to join LinkedIn today (professional social networking for folks looking for employment contacts). It was an "attempt" because I realized I haven't received an award since the 8th grade (once I realized the system was bullshit) or been a part of a team deemed resume-worthy. I actually regretted this, but I don't really care anymore. I hate ass kissers and to be a "team player" in your bosses' eyes, that is what you have to do. I have a newer boss, I buck the system whenever I can. I work with others, but still maintain my individuality.

I know at some point someone is going to tell my nieces and nephew, "There is no "I" in team." I say maybe so, there is an "I" in Intelligence, Integrity, Independence and Individuality. I don't want to tell Facebook, LinkedIn and the like about my private life. After all, the best actors have maintained their individuality and privacy: Jack Nicholson, Edward Norton, Christopher Walken, Robert De Niro, you get the point. They aren't on Access Hollywood and The Insider, why should I be overexposed on "social networking?"

I say, avoid the hype that is teams. My circle of friends is getting smaller as I get older and that's how I like it. I'll only join a group if I must (union, silly Facebook group to shut someone up), but I don't care to participate.

Next time someone tells me that I'm not a team player, I'll just tell them how attentive I think they are. Are we playing fucking baseball here? Unless you want to be benched with the other unemployed “team losers” then get some hard facts behind your job. Chances are you hate your job (sometimes I do too), so be yourself and do it half ass. It's the American Way!


Sunday, July 5, 2009

Things I Should Say To A Hooters Waitress

Did I just refer to them as waitresses? The term waitress is indicative of work and effort. I digress, ah The Hooters. One of the last bastions of politically incorrect forms of "guy-time." I won't go into a terrible diatribe bashing Hoots, I don't care enough, but I'll say this; the food and service is terrible. At the end of the day, it's still a place of dining. Maybe your PG-13 version of sex and stripper-like clubs, but still a place of business nonetheless. I have never gone for the food, it's terrible. To me, it gets my Spike TV loving, thrill-seeking douchebag friends a chance to look at scantily-clad women pour beer into a mug while staring at some cleavage. One thing I noticed about the service is that the girls seem to show pity and thus some inkling of a personality towards fat losers, cripples and white trash people that bring the entire family, including the kids. I don't fall into any of those categories, so most of the time, I am shit out of luck in the customer service realm. With that said, here is a short list of things I'd like to say to a Hooters server:

Do you fuck while while wearing the "uniform?"
Make the hand-quotes when you ask too, just so they get the point. Unless she has a great personality (which I seriously doubt) or is too hot for you to ask, I really see no point in dating a "server" without doing this. Who wouldn't want to drop those tiny orange shorts at least once in their lifetime? Hmmm, perhaps that's another restaurant altogether (tossing the name Cooters around), but I'll save that for another blog.

You're gorgeous! You must be a high-end working girl!
I've been told I have an eye for the ones that are banging local mayors.

Do you have a boyfriend? I bet he has never introduced you to his parents!
I wouldn't either.

Thank you for the bill, may I grab your tits?
Even though I am the one getting fucked with overpriced, shitty food, I still like to grab a girl's boobs during any halfway decent American sexual encounter.

Get me some eggs, will ya?
Hey, no deep-seed issues with this one, sometimes I just want some damn eggs from time to time. They're fuckin healthy for ya.

Fuck off.
Kids learn this early on; the good looking people win in life in the interim. Sorry Molly Ringwold, but its usually true. You're good looking, you get attention, so you can get away with lousy, insincere service and still get that great tip by the fat, crippled guy. Looks fade, the tits will get saggy, unless crippy boy get you that lift. Fuck off.

When it's all said and done, when my friends go to Hooters, I walk to the nearby Friendlys and get better food at a friendlier price, then meet up for a beer. I'll take a fat chick serving me good food while providing excellent customer service any day of the week over a miserable Hooters girl that is more focused on having her loser boyfriend in the 1998 Honda Civic with the bad rims pick her up so she can get a "Mani" or a "Pedi." Chances are the fat chick at Friendly's is better in the sack too, after all, she did provide better service, right? I'm just sayin...


Wednesday, July 1, 2009

CKY Carver City... A Review From a Fan

Ok so first off... yes I am a fan. As is Jon. CKY has played as the soundtrack to our lives from juniors in high school until now. I even went out and bought a Parker Nitefly when I was 20. Saw them twice and still have an autographed set list hanging on my wall. I wanna talk about Carver City, CKY's new opus.

First off, Jess Margera has come a long way as a drummer. His skill is maturing. Wonderful. Deron Miller knows this as well and is now using Margera's drumming as a focal point to his songs. The stutter steps of Margera's drumming are not beyond, but in a different (yet familiar realm) than the music. Miller is improvising his guitar riffs over Margera's new role as not only the time keeper and backbone of the band, but as the driving force. This leaves Miller's riffs a bit underdone and overdone with production as a result. Nevertheless the man can write a hook. Bass accompanies, and CIG just does what he's told. He's happy to be part of something and I'm afraid to say it... that is where his influence ends. Moving on..

Miller's lyrics and emotional drive have matured. From "96 Quite Bitter Beings," immortal line, " they've deleted all the tourists at the bottom of the lake"... to "Boardwalk Body"'s "all evidence was washed out by the tide"... we see a growth from horror infused lyrics to an emotional cry born out of personal, and maybe a bit too esoteric memories. Bottom line is... horror movies are fun and a great platform to rock a band, but to endure that horror, one must be made to eat away at the listener. Favorite song on the album by far. Mainly because I don't like listening to it... the harmonies and riffs are too into the emotion. Miller has done it. I don't want to look at the body, just as the character in the song doesn't, but cant turn away. I cant turn away from this song or this album.

Some of the effects in the song are a bit overdone. Am I listening to Owl City, or am I listening to CKY? Its overdone and un-needed in some places. The genius guitar riffs and accompanying bass lines stand alone and are more than enough. The drumming is almost too good for the album and it seems as if the band is over-compensating for the fact that they now have a drummer who can really bring it. Drums aren't the show... fuck Grateful Dead... I want to hear rock. Margera's artistic voice is lost in Miller's whimsy. But this doesn't bother me.... but it may down the line.

Miller's lyrics aren't comic book anymore. He's getting older, the band is getting older and so are their fans. Margera's drumming is becoming a force in the band. The overall message remains the same, yet the imagery is becoming darker and more thought provoking. Well... well done I guess. It'll never be the first album, and it comes close to as good as IDR. But, not yet.

In the end, Carver City is a really good album. It needs some tweeks... and it needs some eliminations. Long story short; CKY is growing on the back of Miller's songwriting, and it is now being allowed to do so with the advent of Margera's new found ability to be a jazz drummer in a metal band. I personally think their next album may be a masterpiece just as the first was. maybe not in the same boat, but definitely in the ocean... I just feel that the talent and new found ability need to mesh with the lyrics and message in a way where we can remember the first album. Those guys were as good as they were going to be at such a young age with lyrics to match. The lyrics have matured.. and so had the music... but I feel like those driving forces are running opposite of each other. Every once in a while they crash. And every once in a while they hit the same track and run together. Once Jess and Deron finally fall on the same track... I can only imagine it will be terrific. Or at least I can hope.