Friday, December 25, 2009

Every Battle Is Won Before It's Fought

Jon and I like to have fun with this blog, and although our readership is minuscule, we do this for your benefit. So after my holiday post I feel it important to make this post. It's 1:15 on Christmas night... or more like 1:15 in the morning on Boxing Day. I didn't go to church today, but I spent the whole day with my family and sending Christmas pleasantries with my friends via texts and calls. I take this opportunity to say, Merry Christmas to you. CHRISTMAS. Not happy holidays. Whether you are Christian, or not you have to understand that the reason that you have a tree in your house, and that your received presents from loved ones today is because that Jesus Christ was born today. Or at least we've chosen this day to celebrate His birth. Love Him or not, believe in Him or not, without Him there's no Santa Claus, there's no egg nog, there's no nothing without Him, or the people who still have the balls to say they believe in and love Him. I say this for the simple fact that when I see a Jewish friend around this time of year I make it a point to say Happy Hanukkah. Because, after all it is Hanukkah time and I respect faith. If I see a Wiccan, after I stifle my vomit, I say Happy Solstice. Because I respect faith. When I see someone around Christmas, I as a Christian, am inclined to say Merry Christmas, just as the Wiccan is inclined to say Happy Solstice, or as a Jew is inclined to say Happy Hanukkah because it is something they believe in. Do I hold belief against someone if it is different from mine? No. I hear alot of keep Christ in Christmas talk. That's fine. He belongs in Christmas. The fact of the matter is that Christmas has taken on a mythic position in the minds of all. We're all a little nicer, and maybe we give the Salvation Army Santa a fiver instead of the dollar we give to the war vets who then hand you a cray paper flower. I say it is time to respect what the meaning of Christmas truly is. A time where we all realize that we are human beings with flaws, shortcomings and not all of us drive luxury cars. A time where I realize that alot of people don't have a beautiful Christmas tree next to them as I do, people who don't own a computer to blog on, great friends who would crawl for hell through them as I have, and a family that stands as a standard against time who's love is truly divine as I believe I have. Those people who don't... they need Christmas. We like it, they need it. Don't take Jesus out of Christmas. If we do, we eventually lose all of what Christmas means, as it is and is always, a very slippery slope. So I say to you as a Roman Catholic, Merry Christmas and glory to the world, as we have been given not only a Savior, but a time of year where we care a little bit more. If that isn't a product of the divine... well I really don't want to think about that.

Merry Christmas from Jon and John. Try to keep it through the year... you might surprise yourself.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Happy Holidays from the Lovely Bastards

Merry Christmas from Jon and myself. Probably won't be blogging between now and ol' Xmas so let me take this time to say... Enjoy your fucking egg nog and your over-cooked turkey. I hope your tree doesn't catch fire in the middle of the night on Xmas Eve and burn your house down. I truly wish that you aren't arrested for drunk driving on Xmas morn and raped by trogaladitic mongoloid inmates on Three Kings Day. Have a wonderful Kwaanza and any other bullshit, made up holidays that you feel important enough to celebrate. I know that this year I am truly looking forward to Crum Day, the day on which you profess your love for your family by eating cheesesteaks and drinking copious amounts of whiskey. May your Chanukkahdhsahjklfsd be filled with the glory of cheap oil heating, as it is this miracle which kept the Jewish people in affordable housing with utility costs at a bare minimum. All you lovely Wiccans out there... well... just die, please, seriously you're pathetic. Go read your "Cathy" comic strips and drink Chai Lattes until your gout finally claims your right foot and you have to hobble around like a chunky disabled witch. I'd sooner believe in the power of Dumbledor than the power of chanting nonsense words in a basement of some spinsters house while Enya endlessly drones on in the background.

Let me end this by paraphrasing the immortal words of The Night Before Christmas...

To My Dear Children, Love... Dad.
"Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house,
not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
and I was upstairs backdooring your mother, and pulling her hair.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I pulled out of ol' mom to see whats the matter?
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
my boner regally poking up against the glass.
When what to my wondering eyes did appear,
but some fat fucker in a red suit chugging a beer.
The moon on the crest of the new fallen snow,
made me realize that tomorrow I'd have to shovel and that just blows.
More rapid than horses his coursers they came,
and he whistled and shouted and called them by name:
On Slippy on Drippy on Gassy and Faggy,
on Dermot on Mongo and move your ass Mackey Sasser,
to the top of the house to the top of the wall, now dash away dash away
do it you fuckers!
His deer didn't look healthy and neither did he,
his clothes were all sooty and he was covered in piss. (Thought I'd say, 'pee' didn't ya?)
Snot was running all down his 'stache and his pants were worn away
at the seat of his ass,
His bag of toys was a joke as it was all filled with trash,
and he referred to Mrs. Claus as, "his old, whiney gash"
Santa said I, what the fuck bro?
He looked at me and told me where to go.
He turned and he farted and pull out his hog,
he pissed on my tree and shit on my dog.
He threw some crap into the stockings,
coughed violently for a minute and vomited from hocking.
Santa, do you need some help? I exclaimed
"I don't need your help clown, now get back upstairs,
finish banging that broad but go easy on the hair."
The next morn we woke up to find the presents all there,
but so was Santa as he had passed away on the stairs.
The tox report said that he'd been on ludes and blow,
and the cold air didn't help nor did the snow.
But I'll never forget the last thing he said as turned with a wink,
"Merry Christmas you jagoff, go puke in the sink."

The End

Happy Holidays!!!

Sunday, November 22, 2009

The Lovely Bastards Speak!

Join the Lovely Bastards as we exploit the world of podcasting with special guests Alex T, Sweet Daddy Wargs & play "Where In The World Is Jayson Sandiego" with Jayson Smuckface.

Click on the icon to play...

Monday, November 9, 2009

2009 : A Baseball Odyssey

Ok, so let me start off by congratulating the New York Yankees, the greatest team in the history of sports... the most wonderful group of human beings on the planet for their victory over the Phillies in the 2009 World Series. Phillies? Yeah... I want to root for a team named after a female horse. Blow me Jimmy Rollins, you are an idiot. Moving along, I want to convey to you dear reader, what it's like watching a baseball game with my friends. It is exhausting, angering and utterly disgusting at times. I watched the majority of the Yankee games I saw this season (probably close to 145-155 if we're counting radio broadcasts and blackberry alerts) In my own home. The rest of them, I'm gonna say maybe 35, at my friend's house. Lets call him Ray. That's alot of baseball to watch with someone who asks questions like, "are they playing at home right now?" Most of the time, I just shrugged the questions off and enjoyed the game, but after a while it got painful at best.

I don't pretend to be the biggest Yankee fan in the NY Metropolitan area, I am the biggest Yankee fan in the NY Metro area. I live and die with this team and have since my first game at the old stadium against Cal Ripken's Orioles in July, 1990. My Great Grandfather called a game with Mel Allen in the late 1940's, at Yankee stadium, in the booth. That's fucking cool. Needless to say, I am a bit obsessed. Sportswise, I enjoy football. Basketball is alright if its the playoffs. Hockey is cool live. Soccer isn't a sport, its a torture, but baseball, in my eyes, is the greatest game ever devised on this planet. The timing, accuracy and pace are pure perfection. Ken Burns put it best, "It is a leisurely game, that demands blinding speed. The only game, where the defense has the ball." Ok now that you understand where I'm coming from, you will see why Ray, our other friend Gill and Gill's dog, Flerberus made my post season a living hell.

I love my friends. They are great and I depend on them, I can only hope they look at me as someone they can depend on. Watching baseball with them though, well that's another story. Here are a couple instances from the 2009 post season which made my blood boil. Everything in Quotations is from the lips of Ray, Gill and Flerberus.

1. "Ok so wait, why is Jeter out?" Well, because he bunted it foul for a third strike. "But it went foul." Exactly, that's a strike. "I know bro, but it's a foul ball." Yes, but it was a fucking bunt... when you bunt it foul for a third strike, you're out. "Since when?" SINCE BASEBALL WAS INVENTED IN THE 19th CENTURY. "Calm down, I just didn't know."

2. This ump isn't giving Pettitte any room to breathe tonight. "Yeah well I mean shit." ..... Yeah, well? "Well what?" What do you mean? Do you think he's not throwing strikes or... just not getting the calls? "Either way dude." (I don't need to explain why this is aggravating.)

3. "Bro don't even worry I'm getting like 50 wings in about ten minutes, so we can just eat em and then get all drunk and fucked up" That's not the point Gill, we need to wrap this up tonight, I can't take another night of this stress. "Whatever bro its whatever, I mean shit we can win it at home, and so what if it goes to seven games dude, the Yankees always win game 7 at home, you know that." Um, the Yankees have never played a World Series game 7 at home. "Well whatever bro I mean seriously dude, its gonna be fine dude, we got CC going Wednesday." No we don't, its Pettitte on short rest. "Well whatever bro, I'm gonna go get the wings."

4. "Woof." Shutup Flerberus.

5. "When the Yankees win tonight..." - FUCKING JINX. Didn't these idiots ever play a sport before?

6. (I just pulled up to my friends apt. about 15 minutes into the 1st inning, Game 5) Why are you guys out here and not watching the game?? "Flerberus beefed pretty hard dude, we can't go in there right now." Wait, we can't go in because your dog farted? "Yeah bro it was pretty gnarly, he's been eating alot of cheese an shit recently." This is fucking stupid dude, I wanna watch the game, that's why I came here in the first place. "Well it should be kosher by the bottom of the 2nd at the latest."

Ladies and gentlemen, the problem here is that Ray claims to have played baseball as a kid so his questions about rules and the like are even more absurd. Gill likes the Yankees if they're in the playoffs. Palex Mudor, my other friend was there for a couple of games but he kept quiet and enjoyed the baseball. Thank you Palex. Flerberus is just a fucking goon who was put on this Earth to eventually eat Gill's dead body after his girlfriend inevitably shoots and kills him. The Yankees won though, and it was a fun post season I guess. Next year if the Yanks are good and lucky enough to get back to the tournament.... I may just catch the games at home.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Getting To Know Me...

So I've been blogging in some form for a while now and I feel I have failed you the reader to get to know me. With that said, I'm finally submitting my staff biography here at The Lovely Bastards...enjoy!

"Both as a wannabe graphic designer and co-author of this blog, Jonny F is a lifelong problem solver. Companies and semi-professionals of all ilks turn to him for help resolving their graphical and assorted nonsensical concerns. A human being in Connecticut for nearly 27 years, he knows the state's alcohol and Italian cuisine infrastructures in depth. Drawing upon his extensive knowledge and his knack for creative thinking, he prank-calls local laughingstock John “Beatboy” Melnicough on a weekly basis recurrently making fun of the same incessant individuals, oft “beating a dead horse.”

Mr. Jonny’s life encompasses virtually any type of dispute, whether between associates or involving outsiders. Mr. F cut his teeth in the schoolyard, being bullied and picked last in the “gym room”, making him bitter at individuals better suited for success than he. Through the years, he pigeon-holed his life to where it is today. While drinking and pointing out the shortcomings of others remain key areas of his focus, he now represents a wide variety of losers in a vast array of matters. Of particular emphasis to him are sleeping, eating, doing the same routine at the gym, spend money he really does not have and sabotaging any relationship he could potentially have due to his crippling fear of commitment and monogamy.

As his practice has grown and diversified, so has his involvement in community affairs and state and local politics. Mr. F sits on the board of directors of 4B Land-trust Foundation of Connecticut, Local 12 of the Ball Buster’s Union, The International House of Sauteed Onions, and Greater New Haven Alchemist’s Aid. He is extremely inactive in many local non-profit organizations, and has written many articles including Short Arms, Deep Pockets: I Need a Tax-Write-off, Okay? and Volunteerism Only Masks Your Deep Insecurities and Constant Need for External Approval.

Growth and diversification likewise characterize Mr. F’s leadership of the firm as its managing partner. He has been instrumental in helping The Lovely Bastards become one of Connecticut's leading organizations in underachieving. Under his management, the firm significantly lessened and weakened its practice areas. His lack of commitment to community has been a catalyst for the firm's greater captivation in doing absolutely nothing. Additionally, he was recently elected to the Bridgeport Bar Association with limited access to sleep on hardwood floors when applicable.

For his clients, Mr. F’s experience is key - experience in the lunchroom, in the bathroom and in the bar. Clients know that these elements add up to a man they can barely trust to solve any business problem they face, all the while keeping in mind what great hair he has…"

Thanks for reading,


Thursday, October 8, 2009


First off, let me say that the amount of emails Jon and I have gotten in this unannounced, "off-season" have been really obnoxious. We are busy, just give it some time and we will post. Anyway... hi. So one thing that I have been struggling with lately is the fact that everyone and everything is ascribed a label these days. Nerds are "gamers." Really? I thought they were just dorks who were better at fake situations and using their thumbs than real situations and using their dicks. Closet homosexuals are now, "hipsters." Complete with their own clothing, bicycles and slang. Here's one for ya brah.... hey bro wanna dip down to the corner alley and give each other blowjees? It'll be hella sick. AIDS may not be such a bad thing.

I am at my wits end with all this bullshit. I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to kill someone for the simple fact that I can tell they have something like Coldplay, or Frou Frou playing on their Ipods. Fuck this, I'm done writing. Just wanted to let our thousands of fans know we are still alive. I love you all.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

5 People You Don't Wanna Leave Your Kids With

Its a fucking jungle out there. Or so the story goes. Anyway, I was thinking about kids the other day, and more to the point my kids (if I ever have any) and I wondered what my screening process would be for babysitters. Everyone is pretty messed up in one way or another, but who would be the MOST messed up? That's who I'd pick. Toughen them up young, I don't want some whiny crybaby who is going to throw a fit every time I say the word "no." Without further ado... here are 5 people that YOU don't want to leave your kids with. Some of them are dead... but you get the point.

1. GG Allin Well just take a look at that picture. It says it all. Alot of people don't know who GG Allin was, and thats kind of a shame. I'm not going to describe exactly who GG was, but lets just say that if you went to a Murder Junkies show in the late 80's or early 90's there was a good chance you would either get raped (orally, vaginally and anally) beaten to within an inch of your life, or had piss, shit, blood and cum thrown on you by that guy right up there. So yeah leaving your kids with this guy would be a bad idea. Oddly enough, GG had a daughter. She's off the grid and with good reason, so we're not sure if she's started raping people yet, but we're almost positive shes thrown piss on at least one person. Oh and GG is dead, but I'm guessing you wouldn't wanna leave your kids with his ghost either.

2. The Character, Vern Schilinger from the Show Oz

Ohhh yeah you remember this guy. He raped Beecher and then carved a swastika into his ass with a red hot ball point pen. NOT a good guy to leave your kids with. Now there are two schools of thought here... Mine (the right one) and Yours, the reader's (the wrong one) Mine goes as follows: with the way the world is going and the direction this country is heading in, it might not be bad for a tyke to learn how to survive in prison, or at least how to make a shank. Yours goes like this: oh boo hoo I need another latte, little Piearson and Madison need to be taken care of when I'm out taking my daily constitutional, oh my stars boo hoo. You fuckin' pansy. But no seriously folks, don't leave your kids with nazis.

3. Lt. Dan TaylorI always liked this guy. Even in Ransom. Sinise is a good actor but Lt. Dan would be awful as a babysitter. Not because of his drinking, or his penchant for banging strippers, or his dirty appearance... but because he wouldn't be able to get around that easy and what if your kids decide to play in the stove? His wheels could get caught on something. Don't leave your kids with Lt. Dan or anyone else in a wheel chair.

4. Janeane Garofalo

Somehow she'd figure out a way to turn your kids into lesbians. Even if you have boys. There is something about this woman that just makes me queasy. She's not funny, attractive or important in any way shape or form in the entertainment business. She's a superfluous jerk. If you left your kids with her for a couple of hours they would instantly lose any future in having a sense of humor. Sometimes I think this woman was spawned just to remind us from time to time that there is always someone worse off than we. I know she has more money than me and that shes a C maybe B list celebrity but I can say without a doubt that I'm better than her. So are you. So are we all.

5. Me

Look at how regally my ascot is tucked into my waistcoat. Sheer poetry in clothing. Anyway no really I suck at watching kids. I was a camp counselor for about 5 years too... that didn't help anything. I used to play a game called "executioner" with my kids where everyday I'd select one of my campers to be my "hitman" and throughout the day we would pick out campers at random, take them about ten feet away from the group, make them kneel, execution style, and he or she and I would whip dodgeballs at the back of the kid's head - much to the delight of the other campers. They actually loved the game, and I got a kick out of throwing dodgeballs at kids. It was win win. I think one of the reasons that I don't think you'd want me to watch your kids is because I really don't like them. Maybe when they're my own I'll change my mind but I really doubt it. So I guess I am going to have to pawn them off on my parents until they reach an age when I won't find them so annoying... maybe around 23. Then I'll do the whole father thing with them. At this rate, I'm not worried about it because I don't even remember what a vagina looks like.

Woe is me.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

I'd Run The Gamut If I Knew What The Fuck a Gamut Was

Apparently, a gamut is every note in a hexachord. Great so what the hell is a hexachord? Please don't respond with the answer. Fact of the matter is that everywhere I go during the course of a regular day I am confronted with someone, or something, or someplace which claims to be an expert. For instance; Wendy's. Wendy's has the bacon cheeseburger market cornered. On their high deceptive menu I see at least 10 different sandwiches I can purchase. At least 8 of them have bacon on them. OK I get it, you like bacon. You know that we like bacon. So lets just bask in the greatness of your marketing department who after painstaking research have finally understood that the American people like bacon. That would be like Playboy coming out and giving us new and exciting ways to jerk off. Maybe if you slap your swinebeast between a bun with lettuce and ketchup you'll achieve the greatest orgasm of your life.

Bottom line; I am sick of people marketing things to me that I already know I like. I am also pissed that I am dim-witted enough to buy into the bullshit. I like being clean... but Axe makes you so clean that an army of women will wash me down. I like driving my Volkswagen.... but Volkswagen reaffirms my allegiance to their company. I like beer. Budweiser tells me I am right. Thank you faceless company, life was almost not worth living until your commercial reaffirmed my correctness. I love life. Thank you God. Thank you God: that should be enough. But it ain't. How far have we strayed as a people that non-sequitors become benchmarks albeit subconscious, in our own personal lexicon. I feel like yelling, "just do it." Just blow me. When I'm done, clean me with a warm towel. Only if it's sporting the swoosh though.

Well I suppose that is the nature of life. If it were as cut and dry as we would all like it to be, we would be able to order a cheeseburger, and decide if we want bacon when they ask you, "what would you like on that?" But we're too stupid. They have to show us a picture of a cheeseburger with bacon to remind us that we like bacon. Maybe we all have too much to think about, and this is the product of it. I doubt it though. Fact of the matter is... they realize how stupid we are. They make money off of it. In the end, we're all a little more idiotic, but at least we're eating the burger we wanted. Or at least the one we saw in the picture. Isn't that the point?

Hip Hop Once Saved My Life

Dear Children of Today,

You might hear some of us older (25 years+) fans of the rap genre clamoring for the days of yore as it pertains this creative outlet of artistic expression. Names like Gangstarr, De La Soul, A Tribe Called Quest and even the Wu-Tang Clan likely mean little to you. If you are reading this, you probably want to know what it was really like. Well kids, this was hip-hop as we all knew it:

If this music video teaches us anything its:

1) You can walk into a complete stranger's house and "rap" your way out of a breaking and entering.
2) Other than the obviously necessary bling and fly kicks, you can "flow" your way into taking whatever you want.
3) DO NOT include your ulterior motives in your rhymes.
4) Have fun!

Make sense? Long story short, my great grandparents might not have been too keen on Elvis' "crazy" (at the time) dance moves, my grandparents probably didn't "get" The Doors, my dad doesn't see the skill in rapping spoken word over a sample and I don't enjoy the new music with the auto-tuner in every song (although I feel my generational gap of good music has ended way too early). Every generation, by and large, dislikes the current trend and clamors back to the old days. Unfortunately, I have to come to grips with this at the age of 26. Can't music just be yabba-dabba delicous forever?


Monday, August 3, 2009


Recently, while on vacation I noticed a new trend which seems to be all the rage amongst young women these days. Let me set the scene for you ; walking down the street with my friends on our way to whatever bar looks like the most appealing, dressed well and looking not too shabby for a crew of drunk assholes, we spot a group of girls heading towards us and from a distance and they look great. Then we get closer and I notice that they're out looking for the same thing we are... which not to put too fine a point on it, is sex or any number of sexual activities that will eventually lead to an orgasm. Get a little closer and now we can see that theyre dressed to kill. Expensive dresses, makeup, hair, the whole nine yards. Basically they put some time and effort into looking the best they could for their night out. And then we notice it. They're all wearing flip flops. Did I miss something here? Or more importantly... didn't you miss something ladies?

A couple of months ago I posted about how I think it's ridiculous that women put so much emphasis on getting pedicures. The fact of the matter however, is that pedicures are apparently mucho important to alot of women. That's fine. So when you wear flip flops on a dress to impress night, what are you telling the world exactly? Last night while at a bar I asked the bartender whom I'm friendly with about this whole thing. Without missing a step she said, "Oh you mean dressy casual?" What the fuck does one thing have to do with the other? If I go on a job interview and wear a jacket and tie, you better believe I'm not gonna wear flip flops. So where the hell do the flip flops come in? Who decides this crap? Also... flip flops are annoying. Shoes are meant to keep feet warm and away from broken glass, not to announce your presence five steps before you get there. It's just lazy. Girls, you look stupid when you wear them with some five hundred dollar frock.

The other trend that I've noticed which isn't as bad as the whole flip flop thing but pretty close, is the apparent desire of young girls to walk around looking like Roman Centurions. It is the complete opposite of the lazy chicks who decide flip flops set off the final touch on their outfits. These women are telling the world that not only are their feet fantastic, but to frame that splendour (notice the brit spelling) with the most intricate leather-work sandals imaginable is the only way to go. (Girls thought process) - "I really wanna meet someone tonight, so I'm gonna go for the sexy casual look by way of Gladiator." Ladies, guys don't want to date a girl who looks like she could be pulling an oar on a galley, leave the sandals back in the 1st century where they belong.

In the end, I know absolutely nothing about fashion. I can look good if I try, but most of the time I just bum it. Unless I'm heading out to nice places. So I don't know what women should wear on their feet that would be sexy and not obnoxious. That's where fashion designers come in. They're falling down on the job. Don't even get me started on Uggs.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Facebook Suggests That You and I Become Friends, I Suggest You Drop Dead

I remember the first day of high school, and I remember the last. Ok, the first day of high school was nerve wracking, uncomfortable, new, exciting, and in the end started four years of my life that I would really rather forget. The last day, was liberating, exciting and offered me the options of either making connections that hopefully would last, or turning around and saying a big "drop dead" to the majority of people that were wearing caps and gowns that day. I chose to say drop dead. In fact, to this day I only speak to two people from high school regularly, and maybe a grand total of 5 altogether. Here's my point ; graduation offers every kid a crossroads, at a very special time in their adult-formative years and whichever road they choose says alot about how things are going to turn out for them. It is the first real social decision you'll ever make completely on your own. Up until that point, your social path has been laid out for you by parents and the inevitability of school. Then school itself shapes you: the music you like, the kind of person you are, the clothes you wear, the things you enjoy, will more than likely determine what "clique" you fall into. Graduation is the young man or young woman's first opportunity to decide about his or her path as they move away from being a kid and take the first step on the road to adulthood. You can either stay within the safety net of your clique, that comforted you for the previous four years or you can say 'fuck you' to the clique and decide to become your own person.

I said fuck you. So did Jon. So did my friend Paul. That is why the three of us who were friends in high school, became great friends over time after high school. So when facebook asks me if I'd like to be friends with someone that I went out of my way NOT to be friends with, it pisses me off. This is yet another option facebook came up with to try to keep the user on the site for a few more minutes than they would usually stay on... for the purposes of advertising. Now I know that to make a buck and more importantly, to keep facebook free of charge, they need to make money off of advertising. Great, I got it. This is another invasion of privacy that facebook has decided will make all of our lives better. I know I forget my best friends all the time... thank you facebook for reminding me of their presence on the planet. Its blatant, and annoying. Every once in a while, someone will "friend" me and I will wonder how the hell they even remembered my name from years ago; then it will dawn on me. "Suggestions." Fuck.

In the end it is not a big deal. I just feel that we are regressing slowly. Now technologies are subtly second-guessing important social and developmental decisions that we made / make. Do you really not want to be friends with this guy or girl? Shouldn't you bury the hatchet? Don't you want to be friendly? Give me a break. I'll make these decisions for myself and accept the consequences. If I blow someone off when I am 18 and then desperately want to re-connect ten years later but can't because I buried their name in my memory... I'll have to deal with that and maybe, just maybe I'll end up learning a lesson from it. Am I overreacting? Yes, I probably am. My point stands though; make up your own minds about people, and ignore the suggestions from machines.

Monday, July 13, 2009

I Have To Say I Really Don't Mind That All These "celebs" are Dying.

Ed McMahon. Farrah Fawcett. Michael Jackson. Billy Mays. Steve McNair. I think I'm probably missing a couple. But lets face it, who gives a shit? When I heard Ed McMahon died, I sorta shrugged. He was old, and unfortunately old people have a tendency to die. Now I'm not saying I wanna see more celebs drop dead, but I wouldn't mind a few more. It's been entertaining to say the least.


What a guy. His funeral bankrupted California. Talk about the king of the freaks sticking it to the State of clowns. That'd be like if Osama Bin Laden's funeral bankrupted Al Qaeda.


I guess I feel bad that this guy is dead. He never really pissed me off, aside from the yelling and slight lisp. I will say this... his pitch technique almost always made me not want to buy anything he was selling. So his shtick worked in reverse on me, but nevertheless it worked.


We expected this guy to hang on? Look at him. He looks like an extra on "The Sopranos : The Autumn Years" Whats with the velour track suit? Oh well. See ya Ed.


I bet alot of guys out there who jerked off to this poster fantasized about fucking Farrah Fawcett up the ass, and I hope the irony is not lost on them. That being said, she is the one celeb that we lost that I feel genuinely sorry for. She was overshadowed by the prince of jackass's death and Farrah was pushed to the back. Plus, she was gorgeous in her day. RIP Farrah

Death is a part of life. Or so they say. Either way when its a famous person we tend to care a bit more than say, oh I don't know a war hero or somebody like that. We give air-time and extravagant funerals to perverts though, and dammit, we're the best at that. God Bless the USA.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Books That Should Be Written, Vol. 2

Well, after weeks and weeks of reading sub-par books I've decided that I am going to compile another list of books that should be written. Without further ado...

1. Carrot Fucker ; The Katherine Hepburn Story.
We follow Kate's steps as she grew from a precocious spoiled little brat to a homely man-faced thespian. Also, we delve into my theory that she maintained her sanity on the set of "Suddenly Last Summer" by soothing her throbbing sexual urges with carrots, the popular phallic vegetable found in many salads. She then dies.

2. The Rainbow's Heart of Love
A biography on Adolph Hitler written by Al Sharpton, and in the voice and tone of Dr. Seuss' "Cat In The Hat." "Too cold to go out, to wet to play ball, so we sat in the Reichstag and did nothing at all... brothas and sistas."

3. Return Game
James is a retired CIA operative who is thrust into the world of underground slave trafficking. James has been down on his luck since he left the Agency, but now whether he likes it or not, he's going back undercover in a heroic attempt to save a young man's life. On his way to Mumbai to track down the little tyke, he loses interest completely and ends up blowing it hard over the weekend in London. Andy may be lost forever, but James will have stories to tell for years to come.

4. Watch Out!
A picture book of people doing everyday things, such as ; firing handguns at orphanages, masturbating with a wooden glove, old women picking fights with shadows, a cat shitting on the President's golf bag, two drunks dueling with dil-doh's, a Priest pimp smacking a ho, a toddler with "fuck off" tattooed on his forehead. Things like that.

5. Move Over Rover and Let Schlomo Take Over
Schlomo, the slow witted kosher butcher who has a love for rock music and checkers, decides to take his show on the road. He is mocked and beaten in every town he performs in until he hires, Reggie, the gruff old Irish dock worker to be his bodyguard / lover. Things get weird when Schlomo books a gig at a KKK rally, believing it to be the popular, " kool kosher kids " group he was thrown out of in his youth. After years of mediocre success, Schlomo challenges Matisyahu to a fight to the death, but Matisyahu is busy getting laid. Schlomo decides to kill himself, but Reggie has the gun and he's all the way across town so he grabs a burger instead.

6. Damage Report If You Please
A young girl is forced to come to grips with reality when she discovers that she beer she had been sipping had a cigarette in it.

7. Fudge
The dark, dismal story of Ebeneezer Fudge, the sexually retarded ice cream truck driver who gets his jolly's from peeing on hobo's in the night.

In the end none of these books will ever be written. That's why this country is going to hell.

Monday, July 6, 2009

Putting The "I" In Team

So I have made an attempt to join LinkedIn today (professional social networking for folks looking for employment contacts). It was an "attempt" because I realized I haven't received an award since the 8th grade (once I realized the system was bullshit) or been a part of a team deemed resume-worthy. I actually regretted this, but I don't really care anymore. I hate ass kissers and to be a "team player" in your bosses' eyes, that is what you have to do. I have a newer boss, I buck the system whenever I can. I work with others, but still maintain my individuality.

I know at some point someone is going to tell my nieces and nephew, "There is no "I" in team." I say maybe so, there is an "I" in Intelligence, Integrity, Independence and Individuality. I don't want to tell Facebook, LinkedIn and the like about my private life. After all, the best actors have maintained their individuality and privacy: Jack Nicholson, Edward Norton, Christopher Walken, Robert De Niro, you get the point. They aren't on Access Hollywood and The Insider, why should I be overexposed on "social networking?"

I say, avoid the hype that is teams. My circle of friends is getting smaller as I get older and that's how I like it. I'll only join a group if I must (union, silly Facebook group to shut someone up), but I don't care to participate.

Next time someone tells me that I'm not a team player, I'll just tell them how attentive I think they are. Are we playing fucking baseball here? Unless you want to be benched with the other unemployed “team losers” then get some hard facts behind your job. Chances are you hate your job (sometimes I do too), so be yourself and do it half ass. It's the American Way!


Sunday, July 5, 2009

Things I Should Say To A Hooters Waitress

Did I just refer to them as waitresses? The term waitress is indicative of work and effort. I digress, ah The Hooters. One of the last bastions of politically incorrect forms of "guy-time." I won't go into a terrible diatribe bashing Hoots, I don't care enough, but I'll say this; the food and service is terrible. At the end of the day, it's still a place of dining. Maybe your PG-13 version of sex and stripper-like clubs, but still a place of business nonetheless. I have never gone for the food, it's terrible. To me, it gets my Spike TV loving, thrill-seeking douchebag friends a chance to look at scantily-clad women pour beer into a mug while staring at some cleavage. One thing I noticed about the service is that the girls seem to show pity and thus some inkling of a personality towards fat losers, cripples and white trash people that bring the entire family, including the kids. I don't fall into any of those categories, so most of the time, I am shit out of luck in the customer service realm. With that said, here is a short list of things I'd like to say to a Hooters server:

Do you fuck while while wearing the "uniform?"
Make the hand-quotes when you ask too, just so they get the point. Unless she has a great personality (which I seriously doubt) or is too hot for you to ask, I really see no point in dating a "server" without doing this. Who wouldn't want to drop those tiny orange shorts at least once in their lifetime? Hmmm, perhaps that's another restaurant altogether (tossing the name Cooters around), but I'll save that for another blog.

You're gorgeous! You must be a high-end working girl!
I've been told I have an eye for the ones that are banging local mayors.

Do you have a boyfriend? I bet he has never introduced you to his parents!
I wouldn't either.

Thank you for the bill, may I grab your tits?
Even though I am the one getting fucked with overpriced, shitty food, I still like to grab a girl's boobs during any halfway decent American sexual encounter.

Get me some eggs, will ya?
Hey, no deep-seed issues with this one, sometimes I just want some damn eggs from time to time. They're fuckin healthy for ya.

Fuck off.
Kids learn this early on; the good looking people win in life in the interim. Sorry Molly Ringwold, but its usually true. You're good looking, you get attention, so you can get away with lousy, insincere service and still get that great tip by the fat, crippled guy. Looks fade, the tits will get saggy, unless crippy boy get you that lift. Fuck off.

When it's all said and done, when my friends go to Hooters, I walk to the nearby Friendlys and get better food at a friendlier price, then meet up for a beer. I'll take a fat chick serving me good food while providing excellent customer service any day of the week over a miserable Hooters girl that is more focused on having her loser boyfriend in the 1998 Honda Civic with the bad rims pick her up so she can get a "Mani" or a "Pedi." Chances are the fat chick at Friendly's is better in the sack too, after all, she did provide better service, right? I'm just sayin...


Wednesday, July 1, 2009

CKY Carver City... A Review From a Fan

Ok so first off... yes I am a fan. As is Jon. CKY has played as the soundtrack to our lives from juniors in high school until now. I even went out and bought a Parker Nitefly when I was 20. Saw them twice and still have an autographed set list hanging on my wall. I wanna talk about Carver City, CKY's new opus.

First off, Jess Margera has come a long way as a drummer. His skill is maturing. Wonderful. Deron Miller knows this as well and is now using Margera's drumming as a focal point to his songs. The stutter steps of Margera's drumming are not beyond, but in a different (yet familiar realm) than the music. Miller is improvising his guitar riffs over Margera's new role as not only the time keeper and backbone of the band, but as the driving force. This leaves Miller's riffs a bit underdone and overdone with production as a result. Nevertheless the man can write a hook. Bass accompanies, and CIG just does what he's told. He's happy to be part of something and I'm afraid to say it... that is where his influence ends. Moving on..

Miller's lyrics and emotional drive have matured. From "96 Quite Bitter Beings," immortal line, " they've deleted all the tourists at the bottom of the lake"... to "Boardwalk Body"'s "all evidence was washed out by the tide"... we see a growth from horror infused lyrics to an emotional cry born out of personal, and maybe a bit too esoteric memories. Bottom line is... horror movies are fun and a great platform to rock a band, but to endure that horror, one must be made to eat away at the listener. Favorite song on the album by far. Mainly because I don't like listening to it... the harmonies and riffs are too into the emotion. Miller has done it. I don't want to look at the body, just as the character in the song doesn't, but cant turn away. I cant turn away from this song or this album.

Some of the effects in the song are a bit overdone. Am I listening to Owl City, or am I listening to CKY? Its overdone and un-needed in some places. The genius guitar riffs and accompanying bass lines stand alone and are more than enough. The drumming is almost too good for the album and it seems as if the band is over-compensating for the fact that they now have a drummer who can really bring it. Drums aren't the show... fuck Grateful Dead... I want to hear rock. Margera's artistic voice is lost in Miller's whimsy. But this doesn't bother me.... but it may down the line.

Miller's lyrics aren't comic book anymore. He's getting older, the band is getting older and so are their fans. Margera's drumming is becoming a force in the band. The overall message remains the same, yet the imagery is becoming darker and more thought provoking. Well... well done I guess. It'll never be the first album, and it comes close to as good as IDR. But, not yet.

In the end, Carver City is a really good album. It needs some tweeks... and it needs some eliminations. Long story short; CKY is growing on the back of Miller's songwriting, and it is now being allowed to do so with the advent of Margera's new found ability to be a jazz drummer in a metal band. I personally think their next album may be a masterpiece just as the first was. maybe not in the same boat, but definitely in the ocean... I just feel that the talent and new found ability need to mesh with the lyrics and message in a way where we can remember the first album. Those guys were as good as they were going to be at such a young age with lyrics to match. The lyrics have matured.. and so had the music... but I feel like those driving forces are running opposite of each other. Every once in a while they crash. And every once in a while they hit the same track and run together. Once Jess and Deron finally fall on the same track... I can only imagine it will be terrific. Or at least I can hope.

Monday, June 29, 2009

Recent News... And Why I don't Give a Shit

Ok well first off, I am sure you were well aware that I had to write something about Michael Jackson. So let me get this one out of the way...

1. The Death of Michael Jackson : Firstly, I have to disagree with my colleague Jon on this one. There is no possible way this man was the greatest entertainer of all time. Elvis may not have had the pop craze that Jacko enjoyed, but Elvis' music made black rock and roll acceptable to white audiences. He influenced generations of musicians and to put it quite simply, without Elvis you wouldn't have had MJ. So Elvis supersedes him in musical importance. As a showman, Sinatra reigns supreme. Number of hits, longevity of career, the way his voice is considered the soundtrack to a generation (and not a compartmentalized generation - all listening to different music to show their individualism) movies, and his overall influence on the people of a country trumps Jacko's resume by light years. That 0ut of the way, I have to say I felt bad that I didn't feel bad when he died. He was around when I was a kid obviously and I remember him. I also remember thinking he was odd and that his music sucked. That being said, "Off The Wall" is a terrific album. There is no denying the man was talented, but the cons outweigh the pros here. I would also like to point out to my African American readers (if I have any) that this man is not an ambassador for you or for your race. He hated being black so much that he bleached his skin. Loving this man because he was your color once, for a brief time back in the day doesn't make him an icon. Also... and I mean this ; I believe that if you hurt, touch, molest or do anything to a child after making them drink "Jesus juice", you should be executed with a bottle of rubbing alcohol and nail clippers. That wipes out everything... wrote some good songs, danced like a maniac, ended up a freakish punchline for all the world to enjoy? Good. Touched a kid? Burn in fucking Hell. End of story. I have no patience or sympathy for pedophiles. I say burn down Neverland Ranch and salt the ground... it's a weird place anyway.

2. Health care Reform : I'm Pretty Positive Obama Has No Idea What He's Doing Now
That's what I want folks... politicians making my medical decisions for me. Nationalized health care... that's where he wants to head with this. What a joke. I like how democrats just want to give absolutely everything away for free, at the expense of the middle class to the point where the lazier people (and from looking around that's about 80% of the country) won't have to do a Goddamn thing one day and will be able to live quite comfortably. Bullshit. If the government can't get anything right, and sure as hell can't organize and execute their chosen offices and departments... what makes you think they'll be able to pull this off? Nationalized health care is stupid for alot of different reasons, but the one that really scares me ; is the fact that now your personal business will be EVERYONE'S business. Now if you're walking down the street, you have a small stake in everyone elses lives as they pass. "Hey buddy, put out that cigarette, I'm paying for your health care" - "Hey fatty lose some weight, I'm paying for your healthcare" - "Hey slutso stop sucking that guy off, I'm paying for your health care." And so on. It also gives the government free reign to ban all sorts of things. Imagine lowering your health care tax, by eliminating cancer research... by banning smoking! Lovely. I don't bring this specific point up because I'm a smoker... smoking is bad for you, no doubt about it, but this is a free fucking country that I am taxed to live in and at one time could have been drafted to go and die for. If I want to smoke, I am going to smoke. I am going to smoke, I am going to drink, I am going to go on roller coasters and go swimming and eat red meat and have sex with questionable women and here's the thing... if any of those activities that I participated in cause me to become ill or injured... I'll pay for it myself. I will not ask you to pay for it for me, nor will I expect you to. I am really starting to worry about the future of this country.

3. North Korea / Iran : One sick fuck wants missiles, ones got em. These two deranged assholes should get a timeshare together somewhere and let it be filmed. I know how to fix these problems people... ready? Drop a ton of porno, Budweiser, Jameson, Thomas Paine's Common Sense, Xbox's and Maxim Magazines by the ton into those countries. Let the youth see what they're missing and then when they get older they'll want it all the time. Iranian women are butt ugly from what I've seen and Korean women ain't much better (any attractive Iranian or Korean women who wish to prove me wrong can contact me through this blog and then come to my house and prove their beauty by blowing me) so I think American porn is just what the doctor ordered. I bet if we could convince Megan Fox to bang Kim Jong Ill (spelling?) and Ahmadinejadawhoositzmegalomaniacaljerkoff... there will be no more problems in either region. If that doesn't work I say we just let them do their thing. Take the leash off of Israel and let them turn Iran into a parking lot, and North Korea? Well I guess we're just gonna have to wipe you off the face of the planet and in your place build water slides and the like. That would be fucking awesome... a country completely made up of water slides. We could call it "Waterworld" and it wouldn't be half as confusing or aggravating as Kevin Costner's water opus.

So in the end, the country is on the brink of collapsing under our rookie President's best intentions, the North Koreans are threatening to wipe us off the map, the Iranians are being beaten and killed in the streets by the government because they are exercising their divine right to free speech, and all over the news... we are mourning the loss of a little boy touching punchline, a woman who made a career out of showing her nips through a shirt on a poster in the late seventies, and a guy who sold detergents on television. And you wonder why I'm so angry?

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Dead Up, Yo: A Blog For The Morbidly Deceased

Good Mourning, friends and well-wishers! Seeing all of my friends, peers and local laughingstocks tweet and Facebook stati (there's got to be a verb for the word status), everyone's got an uber "important" opinion on the recent slate of deaths. Since my words are not limited to 140 characters, here are some quick thoughts that I like to call, This Week In Celebrity Deaths:

Let's start in chronological order:

Ed McMahon - June 23, 2009
My dad told me about this one right as I was, as usual, running late to work. I grumbled, "Ah, no surprise." Harsh, yes, but Ed was old and lived a full life and career. One of the last times I saw him was briefly on some lousy Family Feud primetime special. The only reason I stopped at the channel was because I thought, "Shit, Ed McMahon looks bad." An 85 year old guy in a neck brace kind of drooling is not a sight for primetime television. It nearly broke my HD tuner. I pitied Ed till I found out how much back taxes he owed. Not even all those years on the Tonight Show, then Publisher's Clearing House and The Feud could save old Ed. Baby Boomers insist that the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson was great, I'm sure it was, but I was too young to care. I'm sure many, many (I hope) years from now when I tell my kid what a great man Andy Richter was, he or she or he-she won't care much either. I never did win that Publisher's Clearing House and met Ed McMahon or Dick Clark. R.I.P. Ed. Keep on truckin' Dick.

Farrah Fawchett - June 25, 2009

Another unsurprising one. A long battle with anal cancer, a fate best reserved for a person of Hitler-like proportions. I really don't have much to say on this one, I'm miffed that people I know that weren't even alive when Charlie's Angels was on the air, call her an 80's icon. Angels was canceled in 1980 and after that it was pretty much a supporting role in Cannonball Run....and a poster a LOT of young boys became men to (you know, slapping hand) in the 70's. In fact, it is the best selling pin-up poster of all time, selling 12 million copies. No other women could pose effortlessly seductive in 33 years??? A tribute to her hotness, although I never personally spanked it to that poster (and I'm NOT going to start now). Ryan O' Neal had plans to rewed Farrah when she was on her deathbed. Romantic? I guess, but then again there are some that see Natural Born Killers as a fantastic romantic romp. Expect Ryan O' Neal in some sort of TMZ-related mess in the near future.

Michael Jackson - June 25, 2009
A blog in itself. My personal focus group, which is social networking, has created two camps. One, which is he was a molester, fuck him. Two is he was the King of Pop, he entertained me. Truth be told, I was a big fan as a kid. I wore the one glove and danced around to his music. My mom even bought me a toy microphone, but I grew out of it. The problem with Michael, is that he never grew out of childhood. He was the ultimate Man-Child. Pedophilia is a terrible and frightening crime....yet I fall into the second camp that chooses to remember his wealth of music and entertainment value. Oh well to those kids and fuck their greedy parents too. MJ was the greatest showman of all time (fuck Elvis, a watered down "safe" choice for lame whites). Jacko didn't molest me and was a great entertainer. The bad is equal with the good, but the good says he was the greatest all around showman ever.

Billy Mays - June 28, 2009
While all of my peers posted about everyone else, I was among the first to post this one (I even included a picture in case you didn't know). Out of the other 3, why was this the only death I commented on publicly? Simply put, he was the only relevant one. The others were past their primes (even MJ, too much to comeback from), but Billy was a multi-millionaire (that means not in serious debt like Ed or Michael) and arguably the greatest pitchman of all time. He hocks cheesy titled products, but he also gave new inventors an opportunity to live their dreams. If you can sell a boatload of products this country doesn't really need, you are a success in my book. Boisterously hawking products to unsuspecting consumers on all hours of the day...maybe this is the American Dream these days? Billy did it better than them all and I look forward to Pitchmen on the Discovery Channel every week. The least famous, but most relevant will be missed.

It is sad to see people that we may have seen on our television screens through the years pass on, but to my peers with opinions, I didn't hear half as much talk when thousands died during Hurricane Katrina. Sorry they were not entertainers, pedophiles (as far as we know), talk show sidekicks, TV sluts and pitchmen. Get your GED, make your one comment and move the fuck on. Michael Jackson doesn't care what you think about him anymore now than when he was alive. It's over folks. Let's just hope the list of people celebrities and otherwise drying can stay low. R.I.P. to the deceased and a "Keep On Truckin'" to the rest.


Sunday, June 21, 2009

Fuck Hope

It's a strong title, but since this blog is a free-flowing one-sided conversation that regularly deals with mature subjects, I say on this Father's Day 2009, fuck hope. I also realize that my comrade Johnnyboy has dated a girl named Hope (better than a boy named Sue I suppose), I am not bashing her by any means Johnboy. I am bashing the idea of hope; perhaps what some feel is the "American Dream."

Why no hope? Well, honestly there is not all that much I believe in. Working hard certainly hasn't benefited the middle-class. Fuck, I did it. I usually refuse to associate myself with these lame affiliations we have been believed to hold sacred. I love many of the people I have met through the years, but I loathe that of which the associate themselves with mostly. I'd rather not be involved, cause a disagreement, war or something. I am particularly sick of political and social entertainers that always feel they have something important to say. I don't care for Jon Stewart and Steven Colbert (although I enjoy Bill Mahr's diverse forum from time to time). Political comedians seem to feel that things were once much better and with an ounce of effort, things could be much better and the way they were, you know the "good old days." Sure, I think they are talented and funny at what they do, but it gets tiring and they come off like catty girl scouts linked with wishful outcome and solution. It's bullshit.

George Carlin once said, "If you think there's a solution, then you are part of the problem." Amen, George. I concern myself with my own world. My friends, my family, women worthy of penetration and making money for selfish reasons (alcohol-fueled fun on the weekends, movies and "getting by" mostly). By not being emotionally attached to the outside world, my life has been much easier. Nothing I do is going to change the world for the better. I am not running for office, thus I have no reason to care.

Sure, I believe in a few things. I believe in limited happiness (mostly confined to orgasms, hearty laughter, chocolate chip cookies, alcohol & friends, but not necessarily altogether), some type of karmic God and love (along with mounds and mounds of toleration). Is this blog gloom and doom? No, I am a personal optimist. If I were a real cynic, I'd tell you everything is "gunna be alright." I'd bullshit you, but I don't do that, so fuck hope.

Since I started off mentioned Father's Day, it would only be proper to finish off by saying Happy Father's Day to my dad, Johnnyboy's dad, all the good dads out there and even the moms who do double duty thanks to deadbeat dad situations. Fuck those guys. Also, a small "fuck you" to the moms that picked out a real winner of a dad (a jail cornholder with a drug/drinking/murder problem) and put kids they weren't ready to have in a shitty situation. Thoughtless cunts. Anyway, Happy (good) Father's Day!!!

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Things.... That I Fuckin Hate

Ok so lists are a gimme now on this blog... but they work well and people seem to like them. Plus they're easy to write... so here goes yet another.

1. People Who Don't Text Back : I saw recently that there was a whole facebook group dedicated to this. Well fuck you guys too, I'm writing a whole paragraph on it. How lazy, or inconsiderate can you be? It takes about 30 seconds to write a text message. "Yo dude, you goin out tonight?"..... three hours pass by..... well either your friend isn't going out, theyre in jail, they're going out, but its with a girl you used to date, or their just lazy pieces of camelshit. How hard is it to use your thumbs to say, "No man sorry, call you soon"? It's tantamount to calling someone, they pick up and you say hello - and they don't answer. They just stay on the phone and breathe. Great, thank you. To all you soulless bastards and bitches who don't have the common decency to text back... I hope you are killed by a giant thumb.

2. Guys Who Always Want To Leave A Bar For A Different Bar : These are the guys who never get laid. There's no action here. The drinks are warm. This place sucks. I hate that guy. That bartender stiffed me. My ex girlfriend hangs out here. I've never met a girl here. I hate the music. It's too loud in here. Wait a minute.... that's actually me. Nevermind, you guys are awesome. Kings among men, and dick sizes that rival the Empire State Building in vertical splendor. God bless and keep you.

3. Girls Who Make Kissy Faces In Pictures : Awesome you can purse your lips! Congratulations, you have the same facial ability as Steven Hawking. What are you trying to say? That you have the ability to kiss? Excellent so does everyone. Are you blowing a kiss to whomever may be looking at your picture? Wonderful, so you're willing to kiss about a million people (if you post it on Fbook or Myspace). Well done, you're a whore. How about a nice smile? That always works. When was the last time a photographer said, "ok in three, two ... look like a guppie!:? It never happened and it never will.

4. Girls Who Religiously Get Pedicures : Sweet, your toenails are pink but your feet still smell like exactly what they are...a utilitarian appendage that sweats and not only sweats, but sweats in something as constricting as a sock. My favorite is the girl who goes out of her way to show them off. "I got my feet done today, aren't they pretty?" No they're not... they are deformed hands that sit at the bottom of a bulky arm that you have to shave. The worst are the ones who get little flowers, or designs on them. Do you think we can tell if your pedicure has a lotus blossom on it from where we stand?? At most it looks like someone fucked up your pedicure and you have a paint splotch on them... and you were too lazy to fix it. Here's and idea girls.. take that foot... and put it in a fucking shoe. I don't want to see your horny old toes.

5. People Who Like The Song, "Sweet Caroline" : Good times have never ever been near people who sing along to this song. Touching hands... touching you... killing myself with a gallon of canola oil. You will hear this song alot at the end of a night in college bars. People are so drunk that the chorus is easy enough that all you have to sing is, "oh oh oh." Rhodes scholars, the lot of you. You know what the best thing about Neil Diamond is? It's that he's 68, and has lived the life of a pop-star so he may die soon.

6. Guys Who Think Cologne Will Hide The Fact That They Didn't Shower That Day : Nothing like the sickly sweet smell of B.O. mixed with Cool Water to send a girl over the top with lust. They mine as well carry around a bag of horseshit with a Yankee Candle lit in the middle of it. Listen pal, we get it... you're lazy. I don't care, no one does... so stay at home, or take the 8 minutes it takes to shower out of your crowded schedule of masturbating and watching Antiques Roadshow and stop stinking up my night. Cool Water is pretty awesome though.

7. The Word, "Nigger" : Black men and women... what the hell are you thinking? Why would you EVER refer to anyone with a term that was used to humiliate and de-humanize your entire race? White guys, who because they have black friends think that they can get away with saying it are the worst. What a crock of shit. Try these words instead... bro, pal, dude, buddy, man, sister, brother, guy, chief, slick... etc...

I know I always say, "more to come"... but I will post more soon. Just very angry tonight.

Monday, March 23, 2009

The 80's

Such an ambiguous title you may say. Where is he going with this? This post is going to upset my colleague Jondrama as he is a lover of the 80's... but man... the 80's sucked. OK OK OK, before you lose it... there were certain things in the 80's that didn't completely blow, but they were few and far between. Here goes yet another list. Things that sucked :

1. The style. Nothing like ridiculously big hair on girls or tight stone washed jeans with white high top sneakers. Face it, if you were walking down the street and saw someone with a mullet, or with big thick hair, wearing a white tee-shirt, black suspenders and jeans so white they mine as well just be painters paints, tucked up almost to the belly button, and a pair of white Reebok's at the bottom of this lovely ensemble, what would you say? I'll tell you what you'd say... "Oh my God, I hope the retard isn't the drooling type." And then you'd probably cross to the other side of the street. Be sure, there were some pretty gorgeous women who made it big in the 80's, but lets face it... if you're beautiful, you're beautiful. If you're somewhat decent looking, wearing clothes from the 80's will do nothing but hinder your attempt to get laid.

2. The Music. It's a punchline now. For all the good bands that found their way in the 80's i.e. U2, Tears for Fears, etc... there was a plethora of dog shit. There hasn't been a decade so vacant of musical quality since the year 50 A.D. When all you were able to listen to would have been the sound of lepers dying of sunstroke, with the back beat of rampant coughing from cholera outbreaks. It was that bad people. There are a few songs from the 80's that I'll sing along too whether it is alone in my car, or with my friends on a Friday night after a couple... but that's where the music ends. There is no lasting value and for that I guess we can be lucky.

3. Movies. Name one excellent movie from the 1980's and I'll name 5 that to this day make me fume over with anger. There are a few iconic movies from the 80's, and they're iconic for all the wrong reasons. The Breakfast Club - I wanted every kid in that library to die. The Big Chill - I wanted everyone in that house to die. Rain Man - I wanted everyone in that casino to die. Top Gun - I wanted everyone in that plane to die, and got lucky by getting to watch one crap out. Back To The Future - I wanted everyone in 1955 to die. I don't think I need to go on.

4. Television. Give me a fucking break... the Facts of Life - here's a fact, you're all a bunch of homely lesbians. Charles In Charge - of what, sucking dick... because if that's the case, you'll get no argument here. The Cosby Show - how many uncles and grandfathers did these kids have for fuck's sake? Major Dad - thank God for the first Gulf War because there was a chance the Major would be court martialed for trying to sell secrets to the Iraqis. Mr. Belvedere - nothing like a pretentious Brit flit around the t.v. for a half hour. Roseanne - look they're poor white trash! huh hulk, I's can sure relate! Night Court - forget it.

So there's just a short list of some of the reasons why the decade just sucked flat. From the awful pop culture to that lovely cocaine/crack explosion, it was unbelievably sub-par. You wanna know what the strange thing is though? After all that, the 80's have a soft spot in my heart, and also... it's been downhill ever since.

Monday, March 2, 2009

Johnstradamus : I Got Your End of the World, Right Here!

I have been reading about this 12/12/12 crap for a while. Apparently the world is supposed to end, because the sun will be in line with the center of the Milky Way. Here's the thing folks.... GOOD! For it was spoken to me, Johnstradamus on this very night, 3/3/09, that I have; if thou most humble readers pleasest... the spoken word of the time keeper of the universe. A recounting of the revelation in the most humble prose:
Angel of Time : BEHOLD, for I am the angel of time... Roger.
Me: Roger?
Roger : Oh fuck yeah.
Me: Well... Roger.. what word from the sands of infinite future do you have for us?
Roger: Ok first off... forget this 12/12/12 B.S. It's gonna happen when the Earth crashes into some gay-ass meteor and everyone and everything is gonna be like.. "whooooooaaaa holy shit this is so fucked up!"
Me: When might that be Rog?
Roger: My name is Roger dipshit.
Me: Sorry dude.
Roger: Whatever, you're so fucked, and you have no idea. You humans have labored under the assumption that you have knowledge that goes far beyond that of God's. You have been "building" this world... and you're still working at it.
Me: But Roger, it's gonna be pretty ok, and it's gonna look pret... (Roger interrupts)
Roger: It's gonna look like shit bro!!
Me: I'm sorry?
Roger: Me too dude. Do you have any soda, or like seltzer? I don't want beer. I'll even take milk.
Me: I might have some root beer.
Roger: Oh fucking great, I can't wait until you all die.
Me: Alright ROGER... tell me something about the apocolypse... something that I can at least tell my friends.
Roger: Fine Johnstradamus... the heavens have collided and from Deidre'sbosom and her cool tears I am arrived. Here is the prophecy of the end of time. "You are so doomed. All of you. The environment? There's a whole galaxy out there you egotistical butt rangers. Ok, so, your world is what concerns you... You know what concerns us, up in heavean? The fact that you've bestowed coronation ceremonies on Donal Trump, Bill Maher, Anne Coulter and Stevie Ray Vaughan.
Me: But Stevie was ... (interrupted by a smack from Roger)
Roger: Stevie was what? A lame dirtdink who could cover Little Wing... woahhh boy... I could do that right now.
Me: No you couldn't.
Roger: Whatever can I fucking finish? Ok so yeah, you're all screwed. Time... which you made, will most definitely one day end. It wont be because of anything you did you egotistical assholes... It'll end because we said so. Get over yourselves and Dane Cook is the Antichrist.
I woke up hours later with the stale taste of cigarettes and whiskey in my mouth. I thought it was all a dream... until I picked up Word Up magazine and saw a picture of Biggie and Iggy Pop drinking piss out of an upturned tambourine. The end is time... not the other way around.

Monday, February 23, 2009

America's Obsession With The Oscars

Well, it's all over folks... Oscars that is. We have to wait another year to watch a boring spectacle featuring the most unbelievably pretentious celebrities the earth has ever puked up. Sean Penn.... no one cares about your politics. He made a jab at protestors during his acceptance speech. How liberal and free is that! I guess in Penn's mind it is only acceptable to protest or yell loudly, or scream whole-heartedly when whatever you're screaming about is something that Penn agrees with. Moving on, it was just really fucking boring. Hugh Jackman... tried but fell far short of the mark. So what to do? Heckle! Without further ado, this is a full transcript of Jon and I ripping the awards apart via AIM.

Johnnyboy (10:06:46 PM): Apeshit, the new fragrance by Christopher Walken
jondrama (10:07:02 PM): why?
Johnnyboy (10:07:15 PM): why not?
jondrama (10:08:04 PM): i think Apeshit, a new fragrance by Glenn Danzig
Johnnyboy (10:08:06 PM): NICE, heath ledger just won the academy award
jondrama (10:08:59 PM): he looks different
Johnnyboy (10:09:18 PM): yeah, he looks kind of dead
jondrama (10:33:19 PM): Gee i really dont want to see this slumdog horseshit anymore
Johnnyboy (10:33:31 PM): youre watching too i see
Johnnyboy (10:33:42 PM): yeah im pretty done with wanting to see it
Johnnyboy (10:33:52 PM): this may be one of the worst academy awards ive ever seen
jondrama (10:34:02 PM): well you reeled me in for heat bars award
jondrama (10:34:11 PM): we need to see best actor
Johnnyboy (10:34:38 PM): that isnt until right before the end
jondrama (10:35:09 PM): i actually wanted to see nrost/fixin
Johnnyboy (10:35:14 PM): meh
Johnnyboy (10:35:22 PM): i dont want to see any of these awful movies
Johnnyboy (10:35:23 PM): milk?
jondrama (10:35:33 PM): i dont tolerate lactose
Johnnyboy (10:35:43 PM): the only reason that dude got any press was because he got whacked by a dude who blamed his insanity on junk food
jondrama (10:36:03 PM): who Michael Milk?
Johnnyboy (10:36:13 PM): haha
jondrama (10:36:40 PM): Milky Cabereha
Johnnyboy (10:36:49 PM): jerry lewis?
jondrama (10:36:53 PM): glavin
Johnnyboy (10:37:16 PM): i would so fuck heidi klum with my .... DICK!
jondrama (10:37:44 PM): jerry lewis is like us throwin a 4B tribute to paul w...whats the point
jondrama (10:37:50 PM): daddy wargs
jondrama (10:44:23 PM): i think jerry lewis has jerked off to a pciture of a child...@ least once
Johnnyboy (10:44:56 PM): even worse, i bet out there, there is a child that has jerked off to a picture of jerry lewis.... way more than once
jondrama (10:45:06 PM): guilty
jondrama (10:45:16 PM): i am right now
Johnnyboy (10:45:38 PM): who wrote the pizza boy sketch?guilty....
jondrama (10:45:54 PM): thats a good example of a great sketch
Johnnyboy (10:46:21 PM): jerry looked.... off
jondrama (10:46:34 PM): great now when lewis dies we gotta hear all this shit about it

jondrama (10:48:17 PM): i dont love him, but i respect that he was funny in his younger years
jondrama (10:48:27 PM): and he influence ppl i like
Johnnyboy (10:48:33 PM): i respect his body of work
jondrama (10:49:13 PM): i thought george carlin made better movies
Johnnyboy (10:49:23 PM): i thought everyone made better movies
jondrama (10:49:26 PM): bill and ted, jersey girl
Johnnyboy (10:50:12 PM): yeah but j lewis beat him by living longer
jondrama (10:50:24 PM): i dislike huge cocksmen (Hugh Jackman)
Johnnyboy719 (10:50:32 PM): hes terrible this year
jondrama (10:50:51 PM): i liked him better in 97
Johnnyboy (10:51:13 PM): i liketed him better when i didnt know he existed
jondrama (10:51:14 PM): defiance, shh

Johnnyboy (10:51:53 PM): youre right
Johnnyboy (10:52:51 PM): nominated for best song in a motion picture, Glenn Danzig, Art Garfunkel, Mos Def and Clint Eastwood.... Gran Torino
jondrama (10:54:04 PM): zac effron looks like a robot
Johnnyboy (10:54:30 PM): he looks like a young jared leto. i guess hollywood just keeps churning out jared leto look alikes
jondrama (10:55:29 PM): im sick of dogdick hundredair
Johnnyboy (10:55:46 PM): so am i
Johnnyboy (10:56:07 PM): after best song, you have actress actor, director, foreign film and best movie
Johnnyboy (10:56:14 PM): so at least the good shit will be coming up

(At this point a lavish performance of whatever Indian bullshit song was nominated from Slumcock Fuckstickair)

jondrama (10:56:31 PM): that is how the next xmas party should be
Johnnyboy (10:56:44 PM): like this song?
jondrama (10:56:56 PM): start planning
Johnnyboy (10:57:04 PM): why do i feel like this is the kinda song you hear right before the terrorists cut off your head?
jondrama (10:58:12 PM): i really dont love his music, but john legend is still better than most new r&b
jondrama (10:58:37 PM): he tries to be old school, but yes i know...
jondrama (10:58:47 PM): he should sit in the back of the bus
Johnnyboy (10:58:50 PM): i like the song from the blacksinger!
jondrama (10:59:17 PM): hahaha
Johnnyboy (10:59:23 PM): this is awful
jondrama (10:59:26 PM): did you see the drummer in the aisle
jondrama (10:59:45 PM): i wish i could do that at the oscars...
Johnnyboy (11:00:13 PM): i can just imagine my grandmothers reaction to this spectacle, shes watching it right now
jondrama (11:00:17 PM): but naked w/ only thre drums hiding my charlie browns
jondrama (11:00:42 PM): lot of dark meat on stage, cripes
Johnnyboy (11:01:13 PM): this is some bullshit

(A. Rahman and Some dude named S. Gulzar have just been announced as winners for best song, for Slumfuck Thousandair)

jondrama (11:01:18 PM): ghoulzar???
jondrama (11:01:24 PM): LOL
Johnnyboy (11:01:25 PM): YES GHOULZAR!!!
Johnnyboy (11:01:47 PM): sounds like a ghostbusters arch villain
jondrama (11:02:16 PM): hahaha
jondrama (11:02:23 PM): this is a disaster
Johnnyboy (11:03:36 PM): hey mom, dad, this is Ghoulzar, she and i are to be wed.
Johnnyboy (11:03:51 PM): it and i *

(An Asian man accepting for best foreign film has just captivated the audience by say "Sank ooo" about five times because he can't speak English.)

jondrama (11:07:56 PM): spoken like a true prodigy
Johnnyboy (11:08:11 PM): seinfeld four!!!
jondrama (11:08:25 PM): he always here
jondrama (11:08:44 PM): ah i hope mickey wins and thats it
Johnnyboy (11:09:11 PM): that and i hope meryl streep doesnt win anything, or that cunt anne hathaway
jondrama (11:11:39 PM): ill take mickey or richard jenkins from stealing harvard to win
jondrama (11:11:48 PM): or trapped in paradise
Johnnyboy (11:12:35 PM): little brooks should be up soon
Johnnyboy (11:12:42 PM): whitmore died like two weeks ago
jondrama (11:13:06 PM): jaws died?
Johnnyboy (11:13:13 PM): yeah, sad day for me
Johnnyboy (11:14:29 PM): ha
Johnnyboy (11:14:46 PM): alone on the bus
jondrama (11:14:50 PM): didnt chuck heston die a while ago
Johnnyboy (11:15:29 PM): they keep brining him up.... just so we dont fuckin forget

In the end... it was pretty bad. Sean Penn won because he played a gay guy, Kate Winslet won because she was in a movie about nazis, Slumdog Millionaire won because... well it was actually a pretty shitty year for movies. That being said, I'm looking forward to next year. Toodles movie fans!