Saturday, February 23, 2008

The Mustachio Bashio Part 2: The Hairy Best…and The Rest

If you aren’t aware of this list please check out Part 1 for why we are even doing a Top 10 mustache list. So with Alex Trebek, the Original Brawny Man, Rollie Fingers/Keith Hernandez, Top Gun, and Mario dominating the 10 though 6 spots, let’s see just who cracked the Top 5 mustaches of all time (and to shorten any hate mail, there is also a rather lengthy honorable mention list)…

5) Geraldo Rivera – I would be remiss not to mention this “journalist.” In a world of credible news journalists, there is Geraldo. Many strive for perfection; Geraldo gets the dirt, all while stroking that pointy mustache every step of the way.

4) Don Mattingly – Ah, my favorite baseball player of all time. Donnie Baseball was tough, worked hard, and got the job done which is a common characteristic of all mustache-wearers. His Yankee plaque has that famous Yankee stache engraved in stone and in our hearts. So Mr. Mattingly, for the love of God, please stop shaving it. Sometimes we really don’t know which Don we are going to get, but when we get the mustache, you know everything is going to be alright.

3) Tom Selleck – Magnum P.I. to me was Mustache P.I. He has had an awesome run and is most notably known for having a mustache, but like Trebek and the new Brawny Man, sometimes insists on the clean shave, which would normally peg him down on this list. Not Selleck though, I once saw him on Conan O’ Brien sporting the mustache. Like me, Conan was confused on why he switched from time to time. He then handed Tom an electric razor to shave off half of his mustache to please both audiences. Mr. Selleck then noted that he had other interviews to attend to after Conan, now with his bizarre half-mustache. It was awesome. Tom Selleck, a great sport, a great man, a great mustache. (Blogger’s Note: It was really hard to pick one Selleck picture, there are thousands and they are all awesome.)

2) Burt Reynolds – What can I say? He’s a legend. From Smokey and the Bandit to the Boogie Nights beard, Burt’s done it all in mustache style. He looks like a different person without it (Stripetease: I wanted to see Demi in the buff and was disgusted because of Burt’s no-stache atrocity). So did the mustache make the man? No, this man made his own moustache and rules while still knowing he is bad-ass.

1) Hulk Hogan – Anyone that knows me, knew the Hulkster would ring in at number one. Why am I adamant about Hogan? He reminds me of my youth, the good old days, and he talked the talked and beat up the bad guys. He reminded me of a “super” dad because of his awesome fu manchu mustache and how you could look up to him (in all fairness to my dad, he still maintains a killer stache to this day). Hulk Hogan without a mustache is like the American flag without the stars and stripes, it is just unfathomable.

Honorable Mentions (Let's face it, I probably missed someone, maybe this will ease the pain):

Sam Elliott - Whether it's Tombstone (or any western, really) or the Big Lebowski, the Stache abides. The Stache abides. I don't know about you but I take comfort in that. It's good knowin' he's out there. The Stache. Takin' 'er easy for all us sinners. Shoosh. Now I want some good sarsaparilla, moving on...

Goose Gossage– another monster mustache and a legendary Yankee, but in the land of a top ten there is only room for so many baseball players. (wow, 2 Gooses on one list).

Wade Boggs – mustaches rocked the Yankees infield in the mid-90s with both Boggs and the above mentioned Mattingly (united by the stache), however his conversion to the goatee keeps him off the top 10.

Luigi - Don’t think I forgot Mario’s younger brother. His mustache is so important how did they think they were going to have a Mario Bros. movie WITHOUT Luigi sporting a mustache? The movie sucked and I still hold it against John Leguizamo to this day.

Monterey Jack – Chip and Dale’s Rescue Rangers needed some muscle and to the surprise of absolutely no one, this tough guy had a mustache.

Everyone else from 1980s Wrestling – The Hulkster wasn’t the only man sporting a killer stache beating people up in the 80s.

Groucho Marx – He didn’t influence me personally and sometimes it was just painted on, but when you think of the Marx Bros, you think of Groucho and is oversized facial hair from the bygone era.

Robert Goulet – As a kid, I knew Bob Goulet as an old school entertainer for an old school era. The man could sing and croon with the best of them (and was in Beetlejuice and Scrooged), but rose to greater infamy for our generation as “that guy Will Ferrell imitates on SNL”. I always wondered what he thought about that, anyway Mr. Goulet passed away last October, so rest in moustache heaven, Robert Goulet.

Chuck Norris – Although he’s sported a beard for quite some time now, the badass aura Chuck began, of course, rocking the stache.

Ned Flanders – Homer may hate him and Maude may be dead, but the one thing that lives on is the thing we love about Ned, that mustache.

1980s Top 40 Adult Contemporary: Lionel Richie and John Oates - If you didn’t like Oates’ stache, you’re out of touch and I’m of time. As for Lionel, it sum up his mustache is easy, easy like Sunday morning. The mustaches are both gone, but you can easily relive them on WEBE 108 or wherever cheese and guilty pleasures are sold.

Charles Bronson – Before you get your Death Wish, the last thing you’ll remember is his mustache.

Pat O’ Brien – Once respected 80s sports analyst turned rehab-stinting Anna Nicole/Britney updater. Maybe his voice wouldn’t be as nasally if he shaved, maybe that’s a chance we are never willing to take.

Every Awesome Dad Ever – My dad has one, maybe yours does too and they are awesome for maintaining it.

Unhonorable Mention: Adolf Hitler – No, I am not twisted from trying to include him, but it is interesting to note that he was so evil he has the one mustache that NO ONE will ever replicate (outside of Halloween, impersonators, and Laurel & Hardy conventions).

So what have learned through all of this? One thing I learned is that I have not or may not ever possibly see an American President with a mustache in my lifetime. Why because they are just way too relaxed, cool, tough, and importantly real men. When I find that special lady, we have some kids and settle in, one thing is for sure, the stache is coming back. After all ladies, who wouldn’t want a mustache ride?

Thursday, February 21, 2008

The Mustachio Bashio: A Top 10 Journey Through Hair Part 1

Ah, the mustache. There’s something almost comforting about it. My 1980’s heroes had them, my dad has one, and most of my friends’ dads have them as well. Even I had one for around three years. So where are they now?? They were all the rave in the 70s and 80s and were a trademark of the All-American-Man. “So guy, if you love ‘em so much why don’t you just grow one,” you may be saying as you read this. Truth is, I got no nookie partly because of my stache. In my young and na├»ve way of thinking, I thought only the “coolest dudes” were to have hair above their upper lip. Yet few chill people had them in my high school class, it was pretty much just me and two Indian kids. The only reason they had mustaches is because their facial hair was so out of control they had no choice. Even if they shaved, it’d be back by lunch anyway. As for me, well I accidentally nipped it while trimming and had to shave off the whole thing as a result. After several not-so-prosperous years of having that facial hair, many of my friends, peers, and the female persuasion by and large agreed I was better off without my hairy confidant (I laughed as I typed that). But why?!? Well, after conducting some focus groups and just plain showing girls my freshman year college ID (they made me keep the same picture all 5 ½ years), today’s young women DO NOT want the mustache. Well, screw off; I’m giving you 10 reasons, nay, 10 people that are icons because of their mustaches.

10) Alex Trebek – Here’s a perfect example of the mustache making the man. Throughout the majority of his quiz show tenure he has proudly sported his pepper-gray stache. Then, inexplicably, it was gone. But, oh yes, the memory remains. So much so that every time Will Ferrell partook in the Jeopardy parody on SNL, he wore the mustache. Why you ask? Well because it just would have been Will Ferrell trying to be the host of Jeopardy as opposed to an easily identifiable Trebek. I was hoping Ken Jennings was going to keep that winning streak going until Trebek agreed to grow it back. Alas, it was not to be, but I still think he’ll grow it back someday.

9) The Brawny Man – Let me be clear, THE Brawny Man, the one we all remember. I know there is a newer, younger hairless chap (once again why today’s newer, younger woman hates the excess hair, so there’s forced change) on the cover of today’s paper towels, but I’m talking about the sandy-brown haired beast that scared some kids in their infantile stages. Was I scared? A little, when I was very young. Did I respect him? More than words could do justice. That mustache was the real quicker, picker upper, folks.

8) MLB-Tie - Rollie Fingers/Keith Hernandez – There were so many great mustaches in Major League Baseball, but even if it was before your time, Rollie has the one stache that is the most striking. Curled-up and looking right out of the early 1900s, its so iconic it’s scary. As for Keith Hernandez, he was an 80s man, with an 80s stache which he reminds us every time you see a Just For Men hair commercial. However, he is a Met and kind of a jerk, so I respect him, but only as much as I can respect a Met.

7) Top Gun – How does a movie get on the list? Easy, there are two key mustaches here. There’s the big dog, the wily veteran Cmdr. Mike 'Viper' Metcalf, played by Tom Skerrit, who of course leads with an iron mustache. Then there were the hairless younger guys. This is how I imagine it went down: Director, Jerry Bruckheimer, “Ok one of you guys needs a mustache and damn it, we can’t cover Tom’s face, he’s the money maker and Val doesn’t need it. Anthony Edwards, you ain’t a vengeful nerd anymore, grow a mustache and be Goose…and die.” Alright, maybe that’s not exactly how it was discussed, but even if Goose’s facial hair is a bit unsettling in 2008, it was perfectly fine back in 1986, he even bagged a young, attractive Meg Ryan in the flick. You could do anything (or anyone) with the power of the mustache.

6) Mario - Speaking of death, one mustache that will never die is Mario. Yes, Super Mario who was a staple of my adolescence and continues to be for new generations of video gamers. Sonic the Hedgehog may have had is blow-out, Mega Man had his arm-canon/ helmet combo, and Pac-Man may have a, uh, mouth but Mario still manages to make classic games in his perfect over-the-top, over stereotyped Italian-mustached way.
So, this is all a bit to take in (and let's build some minor suspense), so the top five will be saved for the next post. Who made it? Why no love for Luigi? Don't worry more drama comin' in Part 2...

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

My Friend Phil….and Why I Hate Him

Hate? What do I hate? Who do I hate? The answer lies in our blog administrator….

Well, hate is a strong word but it gives the title that extra zing. Speaking of zing, let me tell you about this guy I know named Phil and why we are even friends. So I meet this kid when he was 15, whist I was 18 (and had a killer stache, but that’s another blog). We started off hating each other (truth be told it was on my end because I’m a bitter asshole). So we are at lame graduation party, wasted eating cake. The party ends, I hear of an after party, and inquire about going. I am greeted with a, “Shut the fuck up!” Of course it was from Phil. I brood in silence. I hate this punk. I just wanted to go to the after party. We never went to that after party and Phil would be a major part of what would be the best summer of my life (2001: A 4B Odyssey or the Summer of Love, whichever you wish). Our mutual love of good hip-hop, amputee boxing (remember that?), girls, CKY and Jackass-related forms of comedy, underage drinking (and other forms of getting wasted), and Jiminy Glick (I still can’t say the word “wonderful” without doing a raspy Glick voice) gave us a wonderful common ground for a prosperous and treacherous friendship.

So in the years that followed, Phil dressed really preppy, killed a lot of brain cells, and eventually wound up in a boys’ reform school (as we still call it Bad Kids’ Camp). We were decent friends, but at this point, I really wouldn’t care if the guy ran off to Mexico and started banging cattle. Soon he moved a mere 10 minutes away from me and it’s been great times, but we have got to hate on the shmuck. So, let’s get to just some of his many phases:

Sure, there’s been preppy (previously alluded to), occupational (shit, everyone wants to be something awesome until they realize what a loser they really are, Phil was no exception), line cook, snowboarder, and my personal favorite…METAL.

Sometime in the year 2005, Phil decided, “Fuck brody, I don’t just like metal I LOVE ITITIT!!!” Thus, a new Phil was born. Watching Phil lose his mind (and hair in the form of a mohawk) into a phenomenal genre of music, while temporary roommate Jay had to deal with this and sweep up Phil’s excess man-hair was a hilarious site to behold. In fact, it should have been a sitcom. It would have been the millennium version of Perfect Strangers. Speaking of Perfect Strangers, I think that could some up both of us in terms of our love of metal. I am Larry, calm, quiet, knowledgeable fan of metal, with an incredibly short fuse. Phil is Balki, an idiot. Looks and dresses stupid (ugh, those Travis Barker hoodies, come on Phil), but heart is in the right place. I digress, so there are many ways to show your love of heavy metal. You can really love the music, start a band and have the ballsy idea to make that your job forever while being a success. You can also just be a really big fan, write for a magazine, or have a semi-serious, yet light-hearted band (Tenacious D). Or you can be Phil and make the proclamation that you simply ARE metal without actually winning any actual contests or awards to prove so. Instead, he’s managed to obnoxiously rub it in all of his remaining friends’ faces and play music as loudly as possible. Do I think Phil is metal? Absolutely, if by metal you mean being born with a Silver Spoon in you mouth. But I guess by that way of thinking, Ricky Schroader is metal too. Ah, but wait tattoos make the metal and Phil’s got ‘em. Ask him how he paid for them and maybe you’ll get one too (when daddie comes back from the colonies, meh). So is this “metal” thing just a phase? If it still annoys my other friends and he stays true to the form, I sincerely hope it’s his way of life.

So, it is a new year, and a new phase must come. It has and it is in the form of snowboarding. I think snowboarding looks really fun and takes a degree of patience and skill to master (not as much athleticism as our tubby administrator would have you believe). So a couple of his old friends have moved away and thus, the snowboarding circle of trust has opened up a spot. Phil has jumped at the chance like a homeless dog in heat and is now a snowboarder this year. Sure, I’ve made fun of the boy for “shredding,” but it is because he deserves it for mentioning it every five minutes. Do I care? Not so much. Am I jealous? I am as jealous of snowboarders as much as I am jealous of firefighters. I don’t like too much heat and I don’t like too much cold. I am a rather lukewarm individual. Since this is a hate blog and not a bitch blog (and pretty much the only ones that read this are Phil and some other guy anyway), let’s safely tuck this blogredy up. Phil…

He’s a jerk. He’s out of shape. He gave me LESS food when he was a line cook at a local rib joint. He’ll shower only when he has too. His driving scares all my other friends. You stand the chance of getting arrested just hanging out with him. He listens to music too loudly and doesn’t care about your headache. He controls the TV like a modern day Hitler. He’s an Atheist. He talks too loud. He eats too much. He’s lazy. He’s unemployed most of the time. He never has much cash on him, but stands to inherit millions. He’ll tell you what an awesome time he had when you weren’t there…and painstakingly regurgitate every last detail of said “awesome time.” Yet I trust him with my life. He is one of my best friends. I guess the biggest compliment I can pay him is that I wrote a hateblog on him. Phil, I hate your guts like a brother. God bless. Oh, wait that Atheist thing, Bob Denver was an Atheist too, so Gilligan Bless.

Don’t worry Johnnyboy, you’ll get yours one day too…

Sunday, February 17, 2008

AIM Away Messages...

So, first, let me say that I think AIM is great. It's a hell of a lot easier than having to call someone and actually pretend to give a shit about what they're telling you. The one problem I have is with the FUCKING RETARDED away messages people leave. First off, if you're going to be away from your computer for hours on end, dont you think you should just... turn it off? When you go out for the night, do you leave your television on? I didn't think so. You're telling me that you're really SO important that everyone has to know what you're doing for the next six hours? Get over yourself. Here is a short list of acceptable and unacceptable away messages:

"Around" - what, the world in 80 days? Technically at all times you're around something, even in the desert you're around sand, in space, you're around planets, in the ocean, you're around giant squid. This one is okay though. This one is basically saying that you're close by, and if you see a message pop up you'll answer the person. However...if you put this one up and then go to the store or something like that, may a psycho kill you with an icicle. In the end, Acceptable.

"Out With My Girls" - Did you buy them? Inherit them from a rich uncle who just happened to have some enslaved girls in his basement? I know personally that I am not anyone's posession. In the end this horrible message is basically saying "I'm out drinking and slutting around, shave your balls, powder up and come ravage me with a street cone." This one is completely Unacceptable... ugh... I'm actually very angry now.

"Leave Some Love" - This one just scares me. Rapists say shit like that. "Hey man I left some love on the table for her to remember me by." One time I left a big puddle of love on my friends little brother's bed after I hooked up with my ex-girlfriend on it. Did I use that as an away message? Actually, I may have... Acceptable.

"Song Lyrics-Movie Quotes" - Alright, most of the time this can be acceptable. Under the following circumstances it is never acceptable: A. The song was written or performed by Dave Matthews. ; B. The movie's title is one word and that word is 'Notebook'. ; C. Lyrics are purposely chosen to show people that you are depressed. ; D. You wrote the lyrics. ; E. The movie you are quoting is a snuff film. Sometimes acceptable.

"Anything In Another Language" - WOW YOU CAN SPEAK SOMETHING OTHER THAN ENGLISH?? Holy shit, you must have gone to grammar school!! Lucky bastard! Unacceptable.
(Additionally, most of the time the unholy fuckers who put up away messages in other languages can't even speak that language.)

"Sappy Bullshit About Boy/Girlfriend" - Congratulations, you're getting laid regularly. These are simply the worst. No one, and I mean no one gives a living fuck about who you're currently with, "the sweetest guy/girl in the world". Most of the time these are put up by girls, as guys don't usually want to broadcast that they have a girlfriend and thusly discourage any other chicks who might be driving hard to the hoop. Girls love to make their friends jealous, and what better way than to let the world know that you can't talk to them on the computer because you're with Mr. Right. In actuality the situation is more like, your boyfriend comes over, pretends to listen to you for a couple hours, sits through whatever awful movie you pick, tries to convince you to have a couple drinks, stares at your tits, fucks the ever-living shit out of you then runs out of there as fast as he can. Oh, he may kiss you sweetly when he leaves, and he might even whisper "love you" as he walks out, but rest assured the minute that door is closed hes saying something like, "Jeeesus Christ". Unacceptable.

Addition by Phil-"Angry Bullshit About Boyfriend/Girlfriend" - Again, what the fuck needs to be explained here? You're in a relationship (which the whole world already knows because you made sure to spend a fucking week customizing your facebook profile around that fact) and you're mad at your significant other. I'm betting that's the first time that's ever happened in the history of the world. Like John said, you're getting laid regularly, and now, you get to have angry make-up (or break-up) sex with that person. Either way that's better than me, sitting at home jerking off and reading away messages hoping maybe I can get some from one of these dumb cunts. Suck it up (literally) and quit bitching about your significant other, and just be happy that you've got someone (as so many lonely fucks don't).

I could go on but I'm not going to. Long story short, no one is that important that their friends NEED to know what theyre doing when theyre not talking to them. Shit the spelll check isnt working. Please excuse the lack of punctuation. God Im pissed now.

Thursday, February 7, 2008

Britney Spears is going crazy.... I love it.

Britney Spears is slowly going insane and I for one fucking love it. I am a really twisted son of a bitch and I have no redeeming qualities, of these facts I am acutely aware, but there is a morbid curiosity not only felt by myself but by many others to watch the mighty fall. Ever drive down the road and see an accident and it looks really gnarly so you dont want to look but you do anyway and you dont see any blood or guts and for a split second you think to yourself, "SHIT!" Yeah you do you.
When I was 14-15? Britney Spears started swinging her saggy milk bags all over the TV in a Catholic school girl outfit, and oops... I did it again, I popped a boner thinking about it. As a 14 year old boy there was nothing "gayer" than liking Britney Spears, but we all jerked off like rhesus monkeys on Viagara when we saw her on TV or in magazines. Not that I have followed her career, but I have been aware of her music, and her movies, as being a fuctioning member of American society (who watches alot of TV) I am bombarded by pop culture all fucking day long, like we all are. Past couple of years... ol' Britney has been going, well.... completely balls to the roof of her mouth apeshit crazy.
Now I'm reading that she might mave multiple personality disorder. AWESOME!!! I cant wait until the evil Britney comes out and follows her around like the evil Link in Zelda 3. I think it was Zelda 3. There is something about watching someone with no talent and a shitload of unearned cash spiral down into the deepest circles of hell. Oh yeah and its better when they have a nasty choch too. Everyone saw the upskirt pictures of her. Now, when youre a kid and have no frame of pussy reference, the idea of pussy alone is enough to 'get the job done'. When you get older and start engaging in competitive sport fucking you start to realize there are some hatchet wounds that you just dont want to put your pal into. Shes got one. I think we can all remember that pic, if not, here it is...
Yuck dude. Take a look at the domain name on the URL. Britney has gone from America's sweetheart to a dumpsterslut. Back to the pussy thing though: if youre going to not wear panties and let everyone see your snatch... maybe you should make sure it doesn't have a fucking 5 o'clock shadow. Thats the pussy of a depressed diner waitress, not a chick who made out with Madonna.
In conclusion, there is nothing funny about a family being torn apart, kids losing their mother, or young promising lives being destroyed by drugs and insanity, unless its Britney Spears. I can't wait to see what happens next. Last year was great with the shaved head, losing her kids, nailing cars with umbrellas and stints in re-hab. Awesome, thats a slice of Americana.

Anxiously awaiting the next big spectacle...