Monday, June 23, 2008

The Funniest Grandpa I Ever Knew

I never really knew my grandfathers. On my Italian side, my grandfather was your traditional hard worker that made sure he put food on the table for his family. He seemed like a great man, but died ten years before I was born. On my Puerto Rican side, my grandfather lived on the island, while I lived here in the states. He seemed like a fun-loving, great guy, but passed away when I was five, so I never really got to know him and my memories of him are pleasant, but limited. Where am I going with this? When I have kids and they have kids, I guess my days are numbered.

So where does an impressionable young boy go to find a grandfather-like figure? Many, many years ago our family received (by accident and illegally) HBO. Sure there were your new movies as always on Saturday nights, but on rare occasions (even rarer today) they would have stand-up comedian preform. As a young kid, I saw this mean looking man with a white beard and ponytail, dressed in all black standing alone on stage making people laugh by saying bad words. He cursed, made funny faces, acted animated, and made my brother and father laugh. Most importantly, there was some push back on my mom’s part with me watching it, so I knew I absolutely had to. I was memorized. I didn’t even know what I was laughing at most of the time, but it was never forced laughter. It was George Carlin. He could tell you about the state of the economy, question religion, present some observational ramblings, then crack a few fart jokes. That what I loved about Carlin. He was never above what makes us all laugh (even if we think we are too old for it) with the most intelligent things a mortal man would never think of or the simplest things in life that we take for granted. He challenged and pushed the boundaries of free speech, makes no apologies and made it look easy. Comedians like Carlin don’t grow old and die, they become legends and pioneers. If my family, friends, colleagues, associates, romantic interests, and co-workers have wondered why I complain, make off-the cuff remarks, say things that others are afraid to say, make inappropriate jokes, and question “the system”? It’s because I probably listened to too many George Carlin records in my time and have tried to emulate his style, sometimes knowingly, often unknowingly. I write on this blog and feel like an asshole-weirdo with some of the absurd things I say. Why do I say these things? Why do I think these things? Am I insane? Am I adopted? Am I drunk? (yes, no, and most of the time). About a month ago, I listened to some of my old Carlin CDs and realized one thing: he did it first. I no longer felt alone. He set the standard and all I can do is follow in footsteps, as only this patriarch and grandfather of comedy can do.

On the subject of George Carlin, I wrote a blog a couple of months ago after listening to a few his CDs. I got inspired and wrote this blog, which is angry, weird, and absurd. In the vein of (but not as good as, hey I’m not a professional, fuck off) George Carlin, here is…

Thinking Wilde

"Quotation is a serviceable substitute for wit." Oscar Wilde

Oscar Wilde said that. Nothing more wilde has ever been so true (although that dude was a freak). Truth be told, be it written, printed, AIM away message (more on that here), or Facebook, a lot of people quote. Why? Some people want to be holistic (The Bible), some people want to be clever (insert comedian here), and some people want to get punched in the face (Paris Hilton or random whore here). Frankly, we have all quoted someone’s brain droppings at some point because we ourselves have nothing overly creative to say. Even in high school, we sum up the accumulation of 4 years (or more) by inserting a quote in our senior yearbook. I never did that, though. While my peers were quoting Steely Dan, The Bible, and Positive K (I got a man), I had zilch under my name. In hindsight, I deeply regret it. In further hindsight, I don’t at all, but in the furthest hindsight, I kind of do again. My biggest initial obstacle in failing to choose a person to quote was making sure another classmate (especially one I loathed) hadn’t already chosen the quote I likely had my probably bloodshot (I don’t remember) eyes on. I always wanted to quote someone that has never been quoted before. My choice today would have to be George Carlin. Although he is a quotable fellow that had been cited a ton of times, I recall George on stage one night pondering a sentence that had never been uttered by another human being…ever. It had to be first-rate and completely outlandish. He then came up with, “As soon as I pull this hot poker out of my ass, I’m going to chop my dick off!!” Carlin was the first ever to string those bizarre words together (I hope at least). Has that ever been quoted, in a yearbook no less? I think not.

As seen here at the 1:16 mark:

Ok, so that one is a bit extreme. I have actually seen the quote "Make love, not war" in a yearbook. While I thought that was cliche, George Carlin actually wished he was the man that created it. He didn't, so he offered up this one: "Make fuck, not kill." We have a winner, teach. It’s great to be the first. I can’t wait for that 10 year reunion coming up. So with the way technology changes, the way we can “quote” changes as well. For those of us who are too money for reading, you can watch videos online instead. Dig this, daddio, you can embed (or “put in” for you normals) videos into your own website text or Blogger account (that’s us!). I like that word embed, it’s a classy way of saying rape. That would make the news less nauseating. While we have the sentence “Serial killer Prance Hartfeld raped this latest victim”, the word “embed” and some additional synonyms could change that. Entertainment in installments eradicator Slick Prance Hartfeld embedded his swinebeast in his least tardy chicky-poo that was askin’ for it. Okay, that’s appalling. Admittedly, I’ve raped YouTube videos onto this blog. Our own Blogger Phil even tried serial rape his way into becoming the unofficial poster-boy for HULU. What better way to be original than show a video someone else made (several years ago at that). I digress, I suppose I never really cared what my peers thought of my in high school. In fact, a Carlin quote I always used for my AIM profile (talk about hypocritical) was "People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think. " Anyway, back to my yearbook quote, I wonder what that quote would look like had I been on our crack yearbook staff…..

In any case, thanks, George. You will be greatly missed by this asshole. Let us know if God is anything like Joe Pesci like you wanted. Rest in Peace, you will not be forgotten.

Saying Goodbye To the King... R.I.P George Carlin

The world of bitching lost it's greatest ambassador today. Rest In Peace, George Carlin. From rants ranging from tongue-in-cheek to true on hate... we are going to miss his gruff voice, his ratty goatee, and his stance on well, everything. JonDrama is planning a tribute post in the man's honor and I am sure that it will not disappoint, but I felt it proper, that this blog should put up a post on the date of his passing. Thanks for the years of hilarity, the way he made us think about things we took as fact and the escape from social bullshit that he offered. I'd say, "he's with God now", but he'd probably call me a schmuck for it. Anyway... see you in the good land Irishman.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

LTB Sports: A Single, A Double, and a Walk-off Mustache

Okay, so this blog is as worthless as Phil's HULU suckfest, but come on, look at that. It's Jason Giambi's moving tribute to Don Mattingly circa his "Hitman" era playing days. I for one love it. Clean-cut Yankees manager Joe Girardi has viewed all the scouting reports and believes the Yankees owe their recent success to the power of the mustache. Johnny Damon and others are following. As for Giambi, he's breaking slumps and the hearts of single 40-something women everywhere. No mortal man can be certain as to when the first whiskers sprouted on Giambi’s upper lip but since May 15th Giambi has a .388 batting average with 5 dingers and 11 RBIs. Oh, not to mention he has upped his batting average 77 points from .181 to a much more respectable .258. How cool are Burt Renyolds and Tom Selleck now? Now the Yanks have a bit of a winning streak, so come along for the mustache ride, drink a brew or 10 and enjoy the summer.

P.S. I realized the ladies may like a fella with a clean-cut look. Well sorry, ladies if you want a clean stache, it's going to look a lot like this....

So do you want to know why you can never have this guy, ladies? Because he is strong, sensitive, and has a boyfriend. And yes, he is the best Met of the past 15 years. Kind of sad really. My third blog on mustaches, but don't worry I don't play on Piazza's team.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

A Declaration Of Independence

In CONGRESS, June 13, 2008
The unanimous Declaration of Independence from the Blog of Hatredy
When in the course of human events it becomes painfully clear that the founder of a blog has forsaken its' existence and left its' contributors to piss blindly into the wind it becomes self evident that it is altogether fitting and proper that the contributors should dissolve all allegiance to said blog and its' tyrannical creator. Phil R. Jacobs has become an abomination to the world of blogging. It has been thusly left to myself and my colleague Jonathan A. Dramathan to rear this bastard-child into a productive beacon of hope for all those who hate. In the beginning our creator posted regularly, and with much studious hilarity. In recent times, the posts have been few and when they do appear they bring much shame to the Blog of Hatredy. Hulu Phil? C'mon. We are told half-truths of busy days toiling for mere dollars and tails of a dog which has become a behemoth of hell which plagues our nights out with the Tyrant, Phil. We are told of female troubles. We are told of personal health issues. We are told of others whom just recently have returned to the fold with false-promises of powder-snow dreams. We have been replaced with false idols and have suffered through all slings and arrows without a word. Today June, 13 2008, Jonathan A. Dramathan and John N. Melnikov have decided to pledge to ourselves our sacred honor as writers of Hatredy and hereby as of this day dissolve all allegiance to the Blog and its' creator, which govern all matters of tact, prudence and language. From here out as contributors we shall post freely what we truly feel, yet were unable to properly convey, due to our newly destroyed ties to the original creator. As of this day, Hatredy will no longer exist an Shitshow Blog is created. In name we are to remain hatredy, but in spirit, Shitshow shall reign forever. We are to no longer be be-littled, we are to no longer be subject to talking about Phil's hair, nor shall we stand for the slander of our Sacred crew of 4B, by the names and petty anecdotes of outsiders. We hold these truths to be self-evident that all men are created somewhat-equal, but it is our sacred right, to rebel against tyrants in the name of free literary expression.
John N. Melnikov
Jonathan A. Dramathan
June 13 2008

Sunday, June 8, 2008

This One Might Piss Some People Off

Here we go folks... another list. Tough titty, deal with it

Things Hitler Could Have Done To Make Himself Seem Less Evil

1. Get Rid of That Moustache
What the hell was he thinking? That thing just reeks of evil. Hell even psychos in old timey movies had Snidely Whiplash handle bar moustaches. Even though 'ol Snidely was trying the blond virgin to the train tracks, there was something about that 'stash that made you think, "eh I kinda like this guy." Sorry Adolph... the moustache was a bad idea.

2. Instead of Killing Millions of Jews, Kill Millions of Coldplay Fans.
So what if they didn't exist in the 1930's-1940's... They all deserve to get it. There's nothing more dis-heartening than flipping on the radio and hearing that whiny bullshit band clanging away. It almost makes me want to drive my car into a tree. Maybe he could have killed the forefathers of Coldplay fans... how would he have know you ask? Just round up all the guys out there who cry when they see a flower, or guys who wore socks that matched their shirts. Bastards all of them.

3. Stop Yelling All The Fucking Time
Did he have to yell all the time? I mean c'mon Aloise (yes if you didn't know the bastard's real name was Aloise Shicklegruber, Adolph Hitler doesn't sound too bad now does it?) just pipe down. What was it like taking that guys order in a restaurant? "And for you mien fuhrer?" "GIVE ME THE CHICKEN, THE CHICKEN, NO RICE, I HATE RICE, MAYBE SOME ICE WATER TO HAVE WITH IT, MY TUMMY HURTS!!! DO YOU HAVE ALKA SELTZER??" No wonder his ho offed herself.

4. Stop Trying to Kill My Grandfather
OK so maybe Hitler didn't personally try to kill my Grandfather, but his fucking army sure as hell made it a mission to do so. That shit pisses me off. My Grandfather waxed a shitload of Nazi's and that's pretty awesome. He probably would have gotten alot more if they hadn't been shooting at his tank constantly. Dirty Nazi schmucks... they had to make things complicated.

5. Shot Himself About Twenty Years Before 1945
What would people say about him then? "Oh yeah Hitler? yeah he was that short weirdo painter who wrote that book about how he was the man and that Jews and pretty much everyone else in the world were bad. He was a dick dude... but who cares, lets get some pizza."

Hitler was a mass-murdering cocksucker, but there are still backwards psychos out there who think he was A-OK. What a world. Wow I want pizza now.

A Couple Things To Try ...

Yes people, yet another list. You have to understand that my job mainly consists of sitting on my ass with long periods of time where I do nothing but stare blankly until something gets my attention like a fly landing on my eyeball, or something as equally stupid. (That happened today) I was bored... very bored and I was thinking of a couple things that if I had not been at work might have served as lovely time-passing distractions.

1. Write An Article For The Newspaper

Not just any article folks... an op-ed piece. Ranting maniacally about something that happened to you when you were jerking off the other day. "So there I was, elbow deep in my own ass, hand vigorously going to town on myself and what happens? I hear a siren! Well that just threw me into a tizzy. I couldn't finish. I was too worried about wherever the police were heading. From now on I say that if anyone is going to be calling the police ..

Lazy Sunday Blogging

Fuck effort. For the record, I do put some into this, but I'm hungover today. My head hurts. My stomach is growling (I don't know if it wants food or wants to reject it). I'm pretty sure I made an ass out of myself last night (as my late night phone log would dictate). Yet the world is at my fingertips. It's Sunday. I might sleep all day. I might buy an X Box 360. I might visit Grandma. I might buy Grandma an X Box 360 and take a nap. Who knows? There's a lot to do today, so I don't have time to type. Instead, I'll use this as a forum to post old Photochopped (I don't want to get sued by Adobe) images that have been sitting around for awhile.....

I think Jason Bateman and Paul Rudd are underrated comedic actors that could star in a really good movie, but together, it would be box office gold. When thinking of a title for said buddy flick, what would the title be? RuddBate. It made me laugh hysterically for five minutes given the fact that there is absolutely no plot. After creating this, I didn't find it as funny (I'm sure you dont either). Onward....

Congratulations to my buddy Tony. He's the first of my bros to start a family. Here's a picture of that happy family.....
Ok, maybe not. This bizarre photo was supposed to be part of a greater creation as a comedic foray into video, but you guessed it, I was too lazy. Maybe the video will appear on the site one day.

R.I.P. Hatredy's very own Phil. His dog ate him.

But who would commission such an act of trechary? Hmmm. Clearly someone that knows him but doesnt like him much. But I dont know any angry, evil millionaires, wait....

Mutual admiration, right there folks.

Speaking of anger, I've saved the best for last. Ladies who are pro-choice, I want to give you an option. I'm not about pro-choice, I'm about pro-choices. This is a new option....

Thanks to blogger for fucking up the picture, but I'm to lazy to do anything about it and could care less if you enjoyed this. Have a great day.