Sunday, August 16, 2009

5 People You Don't Wanna Leave Your Kids With

Its a fucking jungle out there. Or so the story goes. Anyway, I was thinking about kids the other day, and more to the point my kids (if I ever have any) and I wondered what my screening process would be for babysitters. Everyone is pretty messed up in one way or another, but who would be the MOST messed up? That's who I'd pick. Toughen them up young, I don't want some whiny crybaby who is going to throw a fit every time I say the word "no." Without further ado... here are 5 people that YOU don't want to leave your kids with. Some of them are dead... but you get the point.

1. GG Allin Well just take a look at that picture. It says it all. Alot of people don't know who GG Allin was, and thats kind of a shame. I'm not going to describe exactly who GG was, but lets just say that if you went to a Murder Junkies show in the late 80's or early 90's there was a good chance you would either get raped (orally, vaginally and anally) beaten to within an inch of your life, or had piss, shit, blood and cum thrown on you by that guy right up there. So yeah leaving your kids with this guy would be a bad idea. Oddly enough, GG had a daughter. She's off the grid and with good reason, so we're not sure if she's started raping people yet, but we're almost positive shes thrown piss on at least one person. Oh and GG is dead, but I'm guessing you wouldn't wanna leave your kids with his ghost either.

2. The Character, Vern Schilinger from the Show Oz

Ohhh yeah you remember this guy. He raped Beecher and then carved a swastika into his ass with a red hot ball point pen. NOT a good guy to leave your kids with. Now there are two schools of thought here... Mine (the right one) and Yours, the reader's (the wrong one) Mine goes as follows: with the way the world is going and the direction this country is heading in, it might not be bad for a tyke to learn how to survive in prison, or at least how to make a shank. Yours goes like this: oh boo hoo I need another latte, little Piearson and Madison need to be taken care of when I'm out taking my daily constitutional, oh my stars boo hoo. You fuckin' pansy. But no seriously folks, don't leave your kids with nazis.

3. Lt. Dan TaylorI always liked this guy. Even in Ransom. Sinise is a good actor but Lt. Dan would be awful as a babysitter. Not because of his drinking, or his penchant for banging strippers, or his dirty appearance... but because he wouldn't be able to get around that easy and what if your kids decide to play in the stove? His wheels could get caught on something. Don't leave your kids with Lt. Dan or anyone else in a wheel chair.

4. Janeane Garofalo

Somehow she'd figure out a way to turn your kids into lesbians. Even if you have boys. There is something about this woman that just makes me queasy. She's not funny, attractive or important in any way shape or form in the entertainment business. She's a superfluous jerk. If you left your kids with her for a couple of hours they would instantly lose any future in having a sense of humor. Sometimes I think this woman was spawned just to remind us from time to time that there is always someone worse off than we. I know she has more money than me and that shes a C maybe B list celebrity but I can say without a doubt that I'm better than her. So are you. So are we all.

5. Me

Look at how regally my ascot is tucked into my waistcoat. Sheer poetry in clothing. Anyway no really I suck at watching kids. I was a camp counselor for about 5 years too... that didn't help anything. I used to play a game called "executioner" with my kids where everyday I'd select one of my campers to be my "hitman" and throughout the day we would pick out campers at random, take them about ten feet away from the group, make them kneel, execution style, and he or she and I would whip dodgeballs at the back of the kid's head - much to the delight of the other campers. They actually loved the game, and I got a kick out of throwing dodgeballs at kids. It was win win. I think one of the reasons that I don't think you'd want me to watch your kids is because I really don't like them. Maybe when they're my own I'll change my mind but I really doubt it. So I guess I am going to have to pawn them off on my parents until they reach an age when I won't find them so annoying... maybe around 23. Then I'll do the whole father thing with them. At this rate, I'm not worried about it because I don't even remember what a vagina looks like.

Woe is me.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

I'd Run The Gamut If I Knew What The Fuck a Gamut Was

Apparently, a gamut is every note in a hexachord. Great so what the hell is a hexachord? Please don't respond with the answer. Fact of the matter is that everywhere I go during the course of a regular day I am confronted with someone, or something, or someplace which claims to be an expert. For instance; Wendy's. Wendy's has the bacon cheeseburger market cornered. On their high deceptive menu I see at least 10 different sandwiches I can purchase. At least 8 of them have bacon on them. OK I get it, you like bacon. You know that we like bacon. So lets just bask in the greatness of your marketing department who after painstaking research have finally understood that the American people like bacon. That would be like Playboy coming out and giving us new and exciting ways to jerk off. Maybe if you slap your swinebeast between a bun with lettuce and ketchup you'll achieve the greatest orgasm of your life.

Bottom line; I am sick of people marketing things to me that I already know I like. I am also pissed that I am dim-witted enough to buy into the bullshit. I like being clean... but Axe makes you so clean that an army of women will wash me down. I like driving my Volkswagen.... but Volkswagen reaffirms my allegiance to their company. I like beer. Budweiser tells me I am right. Thank you faceless company, life was almost not worth living until your commercial reaffirmed my correctness. I love life. Thank you God. Thank you God: that should be enough. But it ain't. How far have we strayed as a people that non-sequitors become benchmarks albeit subconscious, in our own personal lexicon. I feel like yelling, "just do it." Just blow me. When I'm done, clean me with a warm towel. Only if it's sporting the swoosh though.

Well I suppose that is the nature of life. If it were as cut and dry as we would all like it to be, we would be able to order a cheeseburger, and decide if we want bacon when they ask you, "what would you like on that?" But we're too stupid. They have to show us a picture of a cheeseburger with bacon to remind us that we like bacon. Maybe we all have too much to think about, and this is the product of it. I doubt it though. Fact of the matter is... they realize how stupid we are. They make money off of it. In the end, we're all a little more idiotic, but at least we're eating the burger we wanted. Or at least the one we saw in the picture. Isn't that the point?

Hip Hop Once Saved My Life

Dear Children of Today,

You might hear some of us older (25 years+) fans of the rap genre clamoring for the days of yore as it pertains this creative outlet of artistic expression. Names like Gangstarr, De La Soul, A Tribe Called Quest and even the Wu-Tang Clan likely mean little to you. If you are reading this, you probably want to know what it was really like. Well kids, this was hip-hop as we all knew it:

If this music video teaches us anything its:

1) You can walk into a complete stranger's house and "rap" your way out of a breaking and entering.
2) Other than the obviously necessary bling and fly kicks, you can "flow" your way into taking whatever you want.
3) DO NOT include your ulterior motives in your rhymes.
4) Have fun!

Make sense? Long story short, my great grandparents might not have been too keen on Elvis' "crazy" (at the time) dance moves, my grandparents probably didn't "get" The Doors, my dad doesn't see the skill in rapping spoken word over a sample and I don't enjoy the new music with the auto-tuner in every song (although I feel my generational gap of good music has ended way too early). Every generation, by and large, dislikes the current trend and clamors back to the old days. Unfortunately, I have to come to grips with this at the age of 26. Can't music just be yabba-dabba delicous forever?


Monday, August 3, 2009


Recently, while on vacation I noticed a new trend which seems to be all the rage amongst young women these days. Let me set the scene for you ; walking down the street with my friends on our way to whatever bar looks like the most appealing, dressed well and looking not too shabby for a crew of drunk assholes, we spot a group of girls heading towards us and from a distance and they look great. Then we get closer and I notice that they're out looking for the same thing we are... which not to put too fine a point on it, is sex or any number of sexual activities that will eventually lead to an orgasm. Get a little closer and now we can see that theyre dressed to kill. Expensive dresses, makeup, hair, the whole nine yards. Basically they put some time and effort into looking the best they could for their night out. And then we notice it. They're all wearing flip flops. Did I miss something here? Or more importantly... didn't you miss something ladies?

A couple of months ago I posted about how I think it's ridiculous that women put so much emphasis on getting pedicures. The fact of the matter however, is that pedicures are apparently mucho important to alot of women. That's fine. So when you wear flip flops on a dress to impress night, what are you telling the world exactly? Last night while at a bar I asked the bartender whom I'm friendly with about this whole thing. Without missing a step she said, "Oh you mean dressy casual?" What the fuck does one thing have to do with the other? If I go on a job interview and wear a jacket and tie, you better believe I'm not gonna wear flip flops. So where the hell do the flip flops come in? Who decides this crap? Also... flip flops are annoying. Shoes are meant to keep feet warm and away from broken glass, not to announce your presence five steps before you get there. It's just lazy. Girls, you look stupid when you wear them with some five hundred dollar frock.

The other trend that I've noticed which isn't as bad as the whole flip flop thing but pretty close, is the apparent desire of young girls to walk around looking like Roman Centurions. It is the complete opposite of the lazy chicks who decide flip flops set off the final touch on their outfits. These women are telling the world that not only are their feet fantastic, but to frame that splendour (notice the brit spelling) with the most intricate leather-work sandals imaginable is the only way to go. (Girls thought process) - "I really wanna meet someone tonight, so I'm gonna go for the sexy casual look by way of Gladiator." Ladies, guys don't want to date a girl who looks like she could be pulling an oar on a galley, leave the sandals back in the 1st century where they belong.

In the end, I know absolutely nothing about fashion. I can look good if I try, but most of the time I just bum it. Unless I'm heading out to nice places. So I don't know what women should wear on their feet that would be sexy and not obnoxious. That's where fashion designers come in. They're falling down on the job. Don't even get me started on Uggs.