The Decline of Western Civilization Part One Million

No, I’m not going to insult the Jersey Shore. I watch the Jersey Shore. I like the Jersey Shore. I’ve made many foolish mistakes in my past, but this show broadcasts public displays of stupidity out to the public and it actually makes me feel better about myself. One of the foolish mistakes on the show is right on cast member Deena’s face. No, it’s not a herpe, although it may be a bedazzled herpe nonetheless. Yes, it’s that weird piercing the ladies of this era have, where a natural beauty mark would be. 

Cindy Crawford reluctantly has kept her trademark beauty mark, but weird fans have made her want to get rid of it, while Enrique Iglesias wisely removed what looked like a squashed bug from his cheekbone. The point is people don’t want/need shit on their face. Yet girls that don’t have a beauty mark pierce one on their face. I’ve seen and heard of piercing the ears, nose, breast, tongue, even clit, but face? I was at a college recruitment event and as the presenter speaking she turned to the side, the light hit her face at a certain angle and I noticed this same piercing. A professional recruiter?!? Her presentation still had about 15 minutes to go, but now the only presentation going on was in my mind, imagining how good and raunchy at sex she must be.

Fellas, ever been with a girl with a piercing in a “non-traditional” area? Three thoughts come to mind.

1. The sex is going to be great 
2. I’m definitely not bringing her home to the parents
3. I better use protection

It tends to play out this way every time too.

Once the back tattoo was officially classified as the “tramp stamp,” it became cliché for whorish girls to have. What better way to announce your sexuality rather than a weird piercing that makes absolutely no sense? I sought answers, so I went to a local Black Bear Saloon (a shitty bar/restaurant chain) to investigate. Within 16 seconds of being in that sweat hole, a shot girl approached me asking me if I’d like a gelatin drink that tastes shit, but thinks I should purchase because she’s been told she’s attractive her entire life. Now, stupidity, but ultimately guilt makes men purchase these drinks. If we don’t buy, the pretty girl might make a frowny face. This particular girl had a frowny disposition given her lot in life, so naturally she happened to have the face piercing. I asked her why she had it. She replied, “Five dollars.” I asked again, this time pointing to my face where her piercing was. She wiped her face, thinking something was on it (other than body glitter, tanning lotion and that cunty piercing) and replied, “Five dollars.” I’d bet hookers have better bedside manners, so I turned around bought my own shot at the bar and tried to black out what had just happened.   

Girls, we'll never notice nor give two shits about piercings. I never been erect due to noticing a piercing, but if you're going to pierce, stick to the ears or places we can't notice right off the bat. In terms of Deena's (or Black Bear shot girls') piercing, I'd adhere to Christian Bale's line in American Psycho, “Not in the face! Not the fucking face!!” 

I'd Run The Gamut If I Knew What The Fuck a Gamut Was

Apparently, a gamut is every note in a hexachord. Great so what the hell is a hexachord? Please don't respond with the answer. Fact of the matter is that everywhere I go during the course of a regular day I am confronted with someone, or something, or someplace which claims to be an expert. For instance; Wendy's. Wendy's has the bacon cheeseburger market cornered. On their high deceptive menu I see at least 10 different sandwiches I can purchase. At least 8 of them have bacon on them. OK I get it, you like bacon. You know that we like bacon. So lets just bask in the greatness of your marketing department who after painstaking research have finally understood that the American people like bacon. That would be like Playboy coming out and giving us new and exciting ways to jerk off. Maybe if you slap your swinebeast between a bun with lettuce and ketchup you'll achieve the greatest orgasm of your life.

Bottom line; I am sick of people marketing things to me that I already know I like. I am also pissed that I am dim-witted enough to buy into the bullshit. I like being clean... but Axe makes you so clean that an army of women will wash me down. I like driving my Volkswagen.... but Volkswagen reaffirms my allegiance to their company. I like beer. Budweiser tells me I am right. Thank you faceless company, life was almost not worth living until your commercial reaffirmed my correctness. I love life. Thank you God. Thank you God: that should be enough. But it ain't. How far have we strayed as a people that non-sequitors become benchmarks albeit subconscious, in our own personal lexicon. I feel like yelling, "just do it." Just blow me. When I'm done, clean me with a warm towel. Only if it's sporting the swoosh though.

Well I suppose that is the nature of life. If it were as cut and dry as we would all like it to be, we would be able to order a cheeseburger, and decide if we want bacon when they ask you, "what would you like on that?" But we're too stupid. They have to show us a picture of a cheeseburger with bacon to remind us that we like bacon. Maybe we all have too much to think about, and this is the product of it. I doubt it though. Fact of the matter is... they realize how stupid we are. They make money off of it. In the end, we're all a little more idiotic, but at least we're eating the burger we wanted. Or at least the one we saw in the picture. Isn't that the point?

Flops

Recently, while on vacation I noticed a new trend which seems to be all the rage amongst young women these days. Let me set the scene for you ; walking down the street with my friends on our way to whatever bar looks like the most appealing, dressed well and looking not too shabby for a crew of drunk assholes, we spot a group of girls heading towards us and from a distance and they look great. Then we get closer and I notice that they're out looking for the same thing we are... which not to put too fine a point on it, is sex or any number of sexual activities that will eventually lead to an orgasm. Get a little closer and now we can see that theyre dressed to kill. Expensive dresses, makeup, hair, the whole nine yards. Basically they put some time and effort into looking the best they could for their night out. And then we notice it. They're all wearing flip flops. Did I miss something here? Or more importantly... didn't you miss something ladies?



A couple of months ago I posted about how I think it's ridiculous that women put so much emphasis on getting pedicures. The fact of the matter however, is that pedicures are apparently mucho important to alot of women. That's fine. So when you wear flip flops on a dress to impress night, what are you telling the world exactly? Last night while at a bar I asked the bartender whom I'm friendly with about this whole thing. Without missing a step she said, "Oh you mean dressy casual?" What the fuck does one thing have to do with the other? If I go on a job interview and wear a jacket and tie, you better believe I'm not gonna wear flip flops. So where the hell do the flip flops come in? Who decides this crap? Also... flip flops are annoying. Shoes are meant to keep feet warm and away from broken glass, not to announce your presence five steps before you get there. It's just lazy. Girls, you look stupid when you wear them with some five hundred dollar frock.

The other trend that I've noticed which isn't as bad as the whole flip flop thing but pretty close, is the apparent desire of young girls to walk around looking like Roman Centurions. It is the complete opposite of the lazy chicks who decide flip flops set off the final touch on their outfits. These women are telling the world that not only are their feet fantastic, but to frame that splendour (notice the brit spelling) with the most intricate leather-work sandals imaginable is the only way to go. (Girls thought process) - "I really wanna meet someone tonight, so I'm gonna go for the sexy casual look by way of Gladiator." Ladies, guys don't want to date a girl who looks like she could be pulling an oar on a galley, leave the sandals back in the 1st century where they belong.

In the end, I know absolutely nothing about fashion. I can look good if I try, but most of the time I just bum it. Unless I'm heading out to nice places. So I don't know what women should wear on their feet that would be sexy and not obnoxious. That's where fashion designers come in. They're falling down on the job. Don't even get me started on Uggs.

AIM Away Messages...

So, first, let me say that I think AIM is great. It's a hell of a lot easier than having to call someone and actually pretend to give a shit about what they're telling you. The one problem I have is with the FUCKING RETARDED away messages people leave. First off, if you're going to be away from your computer for hours on end, dont you think you should just... turn it off? When you go out for the night, do you leave your television on? I didn't think so. You're telling me that you're really SO important that everyone has to know what you're doing for the next six hours? Get over yourself. Here is a short list of acceptable and unacceptable away messages:

"Around" - what, the world in 80 days? Technically at all times you're around something, even in the desert you're around sand, in space, you're around planets, in the ocean, you're around giant squid. This one is okay though. This one is basically saying that you're close by, and if you see a message pop up you'll answer the person. However...if you put this one up and then go to the store or something like that, may a psycho kill you with an icicle. In the end, Acceptable.

"Out With My Girls" - Did you buy them? Inherit them from a rich uncle who just happened to have some enslaved girls in his basement? I know personally that I am not anyone's posession. In the end this horrible message is basically saying "I'm out drinking and slutting around, shave your balls, powder up and come ravage me with a street cone." This one is completely Unacceptable... ugh... I'm actually very angry now.

"Leave Some Love" - This one just scares me. Rapists say shit like that. "Hey man I left some love on the table for her to remember me by." One time I left a big puddle of love on my friends little brother's bed after I hooked up with my ex-girlfriend on it. Did I use that as an away message? Actually, I may have... Acceptable.

"Song Lyrics-Movie Quotes" - Alright, most of the time this can be acceptable. Under the following circumstances it is never acceptable: A. The song was written or performed by Dave Matthews. ; B. The movie's title is one word and that word is 'Notebook'. ; C. Lyrics are purposely chosen to show people that you are depressed. ; D. You wrote the lyrics. ; E. The movie you are quoting is a snuff film. Sometimes acceptable.

"Anything In Another Language" - WOW YOU CAN SPEAK SOMETHING OTHER THAN ENGLISH?? Holy shit, you must have gone to grammar school!! Lucky bastard! Unacceptable.
(Additionally, most of the time the unholy fuckers who put up away messages in other languages can't even speak that language.)

"Sappy Bullshit About Boy/Girlfriend" - Congratulations, you're getting laid regularly. These are simply the worst. No one, and I mean no one gives a living fuck about who you're currently with, "the sweetest guy/girl in the world". Most of the time these are put up by girls, as guys don't usually want to broadcast that they have a girlfriend and thusly discourage any other chicks who might be driving hard to the hoop. Girls love to make their friends jealous, and what better way than to let the world know that you can't talk to them on the computer because you're with Mr. Right. In actuality the situation is more like, your boyfriend comes over, pretends to listen to you for a couple hours, sits through whatever awful movie you pick, tries to convince you to have a couple drinks, stares at your tits, fucks the ever-living shit out of you then runs out of there as fast as he can. Oh, he may kiss you sweetly when he leaves, and he might even whisper "love you" as he walks out, but rest assured the minute that door is closed hes saying something like, "Jeeesus Christ". Unacceptable.

Addition by Phil-"Angry Bullshit About Boyfriend/Girlfriend" - Again, what the fuck needs to be explained here? You're in a relationship (which the whole world already knows because you made sure to spend a fucking week customizing your facebook profile around that fact) and you're mad at your significant other. I'm betting that's the first time that's ever happened in the history of the world. Like John said, you're getting laid regularly, and now, you get to have angry make-up (or break-up) sex with that person. Either way that's better than me, sitting at home jerking off and reading away messages hoping maybe I can get some from one of these dumb cunts. Suck it up (literally) and quit bitching about your significant other, and just be happy that you've got someone (as so many lonely fucks don't).

I could go on but I'm not going to. Long story short, no one is that important that their friends NEED to know what theyre doing when theyre not talking to them. Shit the spelll check isnt working. Please excuse the lack of punctuation. God Im pissed now.