Monday, February 23, 2009

America's Obsession With The Oscars

Well, it's all over folks... Oscars that is. We have to wait another year to watch a boring spectacle featuring the most unbelievably pretentious celebrities the earth has ever puked up. Sean Penn.... no one cares about your politics. He made a jab at protestors during his acceptance speech. How liberal and free is that! I guess in Penn's mind it is only acceptable to protest or yell loudly, or scream whole-heartedly when whatever you're screaming about is something that Penn agrees with. Moving on, it was just really fucking boring. Hugh Jackman... tried but fell far short of the mark. So what to do? Heckle! Without further ado, this is a full transcript of Jon and I ripping the awards apart via AIM.

Johnnyboy (10:06:46 PM): Apeshit, the new fragrance by Christopher Walken
jondrama (10:07:02 PM): why?
Johnnyboy (10:07:15 PM): why not?
jondrama (10:08:04 PM): i think Apeshit, a new fragrance by Glenn Danzig
Johnnyboy (10:08:06 PM): NICE, heath ledger just won the academy award
jondrama (10:08:59 PM): he looks different
Johnnyboy (10:09:18 PM): yeah, he looks kind of dead
jondrama (10:33:19 PM): Gee i really dont want to see this slumdog horseshit anymore
Johnnyboy (10:33:31 PM): youre watching too i see
Johnnyboy (10:33:42 PM): yeah im pretty done with wanting to see it
Johnnyboy (10:33:52 PM): this may be one of the worst academy awards ive ever seen
jondrama (10:34:02 PM): well you reeled me in for heat bars award
jondrama (10:34:11 PM): we need to see best actor
Johnnyboy (10:34:38 PM): that isnt until right before the end
jondrama (10:35:09 PM): i actually wanted to see nrost/fixin
Johnnyboy (10:35:14 PM): meh
Johnnyboy (10:35:22 PM): i dont want to see any of these awful movies
Johnnyboy (10:35:23 PM): milk?
jondrama (10:35:33 PM): i dont tolerate lactose
Johnnyboy (10:35:43 PM): the only reason that dude got any press was because he got whacked by a dude who blamed his insanity on junk food
jondrama (10:36:03 PM): who Michael Milk?
Johnnyboy (10:36:13 PM): haha
jondrama (10:36:40 PM): Milky Cabereha
Johnnyboy (10:36:49 PM): jerry lewis?
jondrama (10:36:53 PM): glavin
Johnnyboy (10:37:16 PM): i would so fuck heidi klum with my .... DICK!
jondrama (10:37:44 PM): jerry lewis is like us throwin a 4B tribute to paul w...whats the point
jondrama (10:37:50 PM): daddy wargs
jondrama (10:44:23 PM): i think jerry lewis has jerked off to a pciture of a child...@ least once
Johnnyboy (10:44:56 PM): even worse, i bet out there, there is a child that has jerked off to a picture of jerry lewis.... way more than once
jondrama (10:45:06 PM): guilty
jondrama (10:45:16 PM): i am right now
Johnnyboy (10:45:38 PM): who wrote the pizza boy sketch?guilty....
jondrama (10:45:54 PM): thats a good example of a great sketch
Johnnyboy (10:46:21 PM): jerry looked.... off
jondrama (10:46:34 PM): great now when lewis dies we gotta hear all this shit about it

jondrama (10:48:17 PM): i dont love him, but i respect that he was funny in his younger years
jondrama (10:48:27 PM): and he influence ppl i like
Johnnyboy (10:48:33 PM): i respect his body of work
jondrama (10:49:13 PM): i thought george carlin made better movies
Johnnyboy (10:49:23 PM): i thought everyone made better movies
jondrama (10:49:26 PM): bill and ted, jersey girl
Johnnyboy (10:50:12 PM): yeah but j lewis beat him by living longer
jondrama (10:50:24 PM): i dislike huge cocksmen (Hugh Jackman)
Johnnyboy719 (10:50:32 PM): hes terrible this year
jondrama (10:50:51 PM): i liked him better in 97
Johnnyboy (10:51:13 PM): i liketed him better when i didnt know he existed
jondrama (10:51:14 PM): defiance, shh

Johnnyboy (10:51:53 PM): youre right
Johnnyboy (10:52:51 PM): nominated for best song in a motion picture, Glenn Danzig, Art Garfunkel, Mos Def and Clint Eastwood.... Gran Torino
jondrama (10:54:04 PM): zac effron looks like a robot
Johnnyboy (10:54:30 PM): he looks like a young jared leto. i guess hollywood just keeps churning out jared leto look alikes
jondrama (10:55:29 PM): im sick of dogdick hundredair
Johnnyboy (10:55:46 PM): so am i
Johnnyboy (10:56:07 PM): after best song, you have actress actor, director, foreign film and best movie
Johnnyboy (10:56:14 PM): so at least the good shit will be coming up

(At this point a lavish performance of whatever Indian bullshit song was nominated from Slumcock Fuckstickair)

jondrama (10:56:31 PM): that is how the next xmas party should be
Johnnyboy (10:56:44 PM): like this song?
jondrama (10:56:56 PM): start planning
Johnnyboy (10:57:04 PM): why do i feel like this is the kinda song you hear right before the terrorists cut off your head?
jondrama (10:58:12 PM): i really dont love his music, but john legend is still better than most new r&b
jondrama (10:58:37 PM): he tries to be old school, but yes i know...
jondrama (10:58:47 PM): he should sit in the back of the bus
Johnnyboy (10:58:50 PM): i like the song from the blacksinger!
jondrama (10:59:17 PM): hahaha
Johnnyboy (10:59:23 PM): this is awful
jondrama (10:59:26 PM): did you see the drummer in the aisle
jondrama (10:59:45 PM): i wish i could do that at the oscars...
Johnnyboy (11:00:13 PM): i can just imagine my grandmothers reaction to this spectacle, shes watching it right now
jondrama (11:00:17 PM): but naked w/ only thre drums hiding my charlie browns
jondrama (11:00:42 PM): lot of dark meat on stage, cripes
Johnnyboy (11:01:13 PM): this is some bullshit

(A. Rahman and Some dude named S. Gulzar have just been announced as winners for best song, for Slumfuck Thousandair)

jondrama (11:01:18 PM): ghoulzar???
jondrama (11:01:24 PM): LOL
Johnnyboy (11:01:25 PM): YES GHOULZAR!!!
Johnnyboy (11:01:47 PM): sounds like a ghostbusters arch villain
jondrama (11:02:16 PM): hahaha
jondrama (11:02:23 PM): this is a disaster
Johnnyboy (11:03:36 PM): hey mom, dad, this is Ghoulzar, she and i are to be wed.
Johnnyboy (11:03:51 PM): it and i *

(An Asian man accepting for best foreign film has just captivated the audience by say "Sank ooo" about five times because he can't speak English.)

jondrama (11:07:56 PM): spoken like a true prodigy
Johnnyboy (11:08:11 PM): seinfeld four!!!
jondrama (11:08:25 PM): he always here
jondrama (11:08:44 PM): ah i hope mickey wins and thats it
Johnnyboy (11:09:11 PM): that and i hope meryl streep doesnt win anything, or that cunt anne hathaway
jondrama (11:11:39 PM): ill take mickey or richard jenkins from stealing harvard to win
jondrama (11:11:48 PM): or trapped in paradise
Johnnyboy (11:12:35 PM): little brooks should be up soon
Johnnyboy (11:12:42 PM): whitmore died like two weeks ago
jondrama (11:13:06 PM): jaws died?
Johnnyboy (11:13:13 PM): yeah, sad day for me
Johnnyboy (11:14:29 PM): ha
Johnnyboy (11:14:46 PM): alone on the bus
jondrama (11:14:50 PM): didnt chuck heston die a while ago
Johnnyboy (11:15:29 PM): they keep brining him up.... just so we dont fuckin forget

In the end... it was pretty bad. Sean Penn won because he played a gay guy, Kate Winslet won because she was in a movie about nazis, Slumdog Millionaire won because... well it was actually a pretty shitty year for movies. That being said, I'm looking forward to next year. Toodles movie fans!

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Little Brooks

With Oscar season upon us, one thing we can agree on this blog is that we all enjoy a good movie. Last year, I finally got to see The Shawshank Redemption. I mostly held out all of these years because it looked painfully long on cable, but once I saw it, I knew what so many others have been telling me all these years. It was just a great story. A scene in the movie that stayed with me is Brooks being released from prison after 50 years and having to adjust to the world as it was in the 1940s. There was a lot of change the world was going through and for those of you unfamilar check out the video around the 4:00 mark...

Now just imagine if someone were being released from prison trying to catch up with today's everchanging technology? It would drive them mad. With that said, I give my own little short story entitled Little Brooks

After being sentenced in 2001 at the wily age of 18, the now 26 year old Brooks Hatlen III is released from minimum security prison in the winter of 2009. Like his grandfather before him, he finds that life on the outside is quite different than the world he once knew. YouTube, Smartphones, Bluetooth, and googling are words that are quite foreign to this ripened civilian. This is a story of a man dealing with the maladjustment of his new life. This is a story of a man who feels the world has passed him by just like his grandfather once did. This is the story of Little Brooks.

Dear fellas,

“I can’t believe how fast things are moving in the unfathomable year of 2009. If the soaring prices of gasoline weren’t bothersome enough, cars that don’t even run on gas try to run me down now. I guess the world I once knew has a little less gas than it once did. I once saw a cable modem as a child, now they’re everywhere. The internet went and got itself in a big damn hurry. I can barely even Lycos or Ask Jeeves search anymore. Everyone wants me to “google”, but my hands hurt from typing the “Gs” and the “Os.” Sometimes after work I sit by my landline phone and wait for someone to call, but they never do. My once cherished VHS tapes have now been replaced with movies on compact discs and “blue rays.” My old friends back home now play Halo 3 on TVs bigger than a breadbox, but I’m too old for that nonsense. I barely played Halo 1. I don’t think they like me very much. I don’t like it here. The buildings are too big. I like pizza. I’m tired of being Twittered all the time and I’ve decided not to stay. I doubt they’ll kick up any fuss, not for an old dial-up connection like me.

P.S. Tell Little Heywood I’m sorry I put a knife to his balls. Just another day another dollar.”

-Little Brooks
I've been sitting on this silly idea for sketch for awhile now, I think it would be pretty funny, but we are a creative, yet fairly lazy bunch. With that said, Rest In Peace to the real man who played Brooks, James Whitmore and Rest In Peace to you, Little Brooks.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Books That Should Be Written

I do loves me a good book. Problem is, theyre not easy to find. Sure anyone can grab a book off of some ponderous library book shelf, or buy something that catches their eye when theyre browsing through Borders or B&N, but that doesn't mean youre going to enjoy it. I can't tell you how many times I've bought a book and then realized two chapters into it that I would have been better giving a homeless guy 15 bucks to smack me in the face with his bottle of ripple. That being said, I still love books. What I am proposing, is that instead of writing a short synopsis of the book on the dust jacket, the authors themselves write it on the front, with big red letters, so we the consumers can decide if we want to read it or not. Without further ado... books I would love to read.

1. The Cold Summer
Sam, a dimwitted bus driver discovers the topsy turvy world of running a bus terminal after his boss is arrested for exposing himself to the President's prized Yorkshire Terrier. Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll... although Sam doesn't realize that the sex will be with men, and not consensual, the drugs are prescription and make him gassy, and the Rock and Roll is Coldplay.

2. Money Well
Roger is a guy who finds some cash on the street, and a bunch of shit happens to him. It's not that great, but it's only 162 pages so whaddya say?

3. Sarah Von Rattledink Goes To Washington
Sarah, the precocious cock-tease that works at that Starbucks near my kids' school goes to Washington and bangs everything in sight. In the book, we follow Sarah as she showers, shaves her legs slowly, wears next to nothing and goes to sleep everynight with whatever catches her fancy, man woman or beast. In the end she learns a little something about Government when she is forced to run for President by Old Mr. Mcgillicuddy, the cratchety old chimney sweep.

4. Punch Me! The Story of a Small, Smelly Dipshit
Walter smells like urine and maple syrup. He's also really short, and kind of fat. We follow Wally around as he gets the ever-living shit kicked out of him by bigger cooler guys. In the end he tries to kill himself by eating as many marshmallows as he can and washing them down with a bottle of bleach.

5. Abe's Boys
Abraham O'Connel is a bit of a grumpy old miser. He is constantly being bothered by the neighborhood kids' attempts to bring a little love and friendship into his life. Eventually the boys grow up and return to the old 'hood to see if Mr. O'Connel is still loveless and sad. They find that unfortunately he's sadder than ever. After a meeting with the local Priest, the boys decide it's their duty to show Abe that he is loved. They accomplish their mission by mentally torturing the shit out of him for a period of six straight days, until Abe decides that he better love something and soon, or these deranged fucks are gonna finish him off.

6. A Child Abuser Gets Sodomized In Half by a Horse
Needs no description.

7. Ring Around The Rosy
A young man is forced to come to terms with his own mortality after he smokes a joint laced with dogshit.

In the end these books will never be written. I can dream. More to come!

Monday, February 2, 2009

Generation Y Should I Give A Fuck?

Before I go off on this bastardization of the English language, please let me preface. For those of you lucky enough to not be intimately familiar with “Generation Y,” Webster’s Dictionary defines it as:

Generation Y n. The generation following Generation X, especially people born in the United States and Canada from the early 1980s to the late 1990s. [Modeled on Generation X.]

Generation X was just a cool, somewhat mysterious way to name the post baby boomer era, the post “Father Knows Best” mentality. So I was born post Gen-X, during Reganomics, Wall Street yuppies, big hair metal days when Phil Collins ruled the world and a young Metallica was looking to destroy world as we knew it (you know before technology confused and scared them). A guy like He-Man kicked ass, Frankie said relax, Rocky IV ended the Cold War, early cell phone and video game technology was upon us and we weren’t having clip shows talking about this stuff, we were damn well living it. To me, the 1980s just plain rocked. I was too young to understand or concern myself with Regan’s politics. I didn’t care. I was growing up in an interesting time, discovering new technologies, contently laughing at cliché cartoons and sitcoms of the era. All right, AIDS and crack cocaine may have been a product of the time but I was too little to engage in hardcore drugs and sexual relations (would have been a really interesting first 7 years of my life though). Anyway all good chapters must come to an end and someone with a bullshit job just had to label our generation. Post Gen-X, how about Generation Y? Creative? Hardly. Bullshit? Indubitably.

My overall contempt of this term has come from my professional life (which I will not indulge any further in case Jon Drama and the man behind the keyboard get ousted). People nearly twice my age are telling me the “millennials” (another ricockulous term for Gen-Y) are the waaaave of the future and that I should be reading blogs to understand what my professional peers are up to. They tell me that I should be blogging (which I have been doing long before co-workers told me of the “fad”). I do this for fun and when I am old, married and slipping into senility, I can look back and see my thoughts of varying subjects and have a laugh and remind myself that I was once a witty, charming young man. Why would I want to talk about whatever I want, when I could find 5,000 different ways to talk about what Generation Y will do to “change the world.” As I said before, the people telling me to grasp these changes are twice my age, withered old dreamers of a bygone era and just don’t have a clue.

Sometimes my peers send me blogs to make me think about the changes this crazy world is undergoing. One of my co-workers knows my true feelings on Generation Y and sends me blogs to get me fired up so I can send a witty retort. Unsurprisingly, it works every time. My latest response was to a blog about Mobile Marketing And Generation Y. The bottom line is that our generation is annoyed with text message advertisements. I will not post “their” blog for sake of not creating a hassle, but here was my response:

“I actually just read this blog (I tend to have more free time up here) and it is utterly horrible. 514 words to simply say: Text advertisements aren’t effective. Period. It’s not a generational issue either. That’s another crock of shit. That is simply *****’s attempt to market and brand themselves (which has worked to a degree I guess). By doing this, aging people who think they are “up with the change” (here’s a hint his name rhymes with Crack) think they stumbled onto something revolutionary. Text message advertisements don’t work. Big shit. I think if my 90 year old grandma (bless her heart) had a cell phone, she would agree text messages selling a product suck balls. I think if I start a blog stating the painfully obvious, maybe I will get some unjustifiable respect. Here’s one:

Shitty Days Ahead: Why Generation Y Will Not Stand For 1-Ply Toilet Paper

Great! Throw it on Twitter. Twitter my balls I say. Twitter them indeed.”

For those of you unaware of what Twitter is, it is simply another social networking application that pretty much seems to function the same as Facebook’s status update. Fucking pointless. The more technology I have the more update to date I will be. Everyone’s status is awful too; for once I would just like to leave “Jon Drama is masturbating furiously before his date so he doesn’t blow a unctuous load on the off-chance the girl touches his dangle before night’s end.” Back to Generation Y, the blogs on the matter are obvious and redundant. Plus as much as it’s cool see know that my peers are “taking a stand” and attempting to carve out a niche for our era, where does all of this “advice” come from? Google, their parents, college professor, a “really neat” NPR podcast or just out of plain air? Its just plain subjective thinking at its finest marketed as key tips, “facts”, and various countdown lists that us youngens need to survive in today’s workplace. Who needs a book when you can just curl up with your laptop? Ugh, I love technology, but I still prefer a real book, a good newspaper and a phone conversation not inundated with text messages to get my point across. Since these Gen-Y blogs are so subjective, here is a top 10 list (!) of attention-grabbing, Gen-Y blog topics equally asinine:

  1. Double Sided Dildos - The Future of Peer 2 Peer Networking…Today!
  2. Today’s Pain In The Ass: Why Millennials Will Change Conventional Thinking About Anal Sex
  3. Top Four Ways To Hide An Erection In The Office & Still Show How Horny You Are
  4. Entrepreneur Or Korean Sex Trafficker? Does It Matter?
  5. Why Swamp-ass Will Give You The Edge At The Company Picnic
  6. How To Effectively Utilize A Bullwhip & A Bottle Of Gin In Today’s Workplace
  7. Is It Better To Have A Raging Semi Or Stay Flaccid During Business After-hours?
  8. Dildonic Delights: Plugging Up Estrogen Levels In The Millennial’s Workplace
  9. How Showing Your Tits On Facebook Will Stimulate The Economy...and My Pants
  10. Trim The Hedges or Scorch The Earth? Pubic Hair Grooming Tips For Young Professionals

Thanks for the tips Gen-Y, but if you are looking for real advice, here it is: live. Be young, make mistakes and learn from them. Live your fucking life. We are human. Fall on your ass and get up because tomorrow is a new day. So come back hungrier…or hornier, but live dammit, live.