Thursday, February 5, 2009

Books That Should Be Written

I do loves me a good book. Problem is, theyre not easy to find. Sure anyone can grab a book off of some ponderous library book shelf, or buy something that catches their eye when theyre browsing through Borders or B&N, but that doesn't mean youre going to enjoy it. I can't tell you how many times I've bought a book and then realized two chapters into it that I would have been better giving a homeless guy 15 bucks to smack me in the face with his bottle of ripple. That being said, I still love books. What I am proposing, is that instead of writing a short synopsis of the book on the dust jacket, the authors themselves write it on the front, with big red letters, so we the consumers can decide if we want to read it or not. Without further ado... books I would love to read.

1. The Cold Summer
Sam, a dimwitted bus driver discovers the topsy turvy world of running a bus terminal after his boss is arrested for exposing himself to the President's prized Yorkshire Terrier. Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll... although Sam doesn't realize that the sex will be with men, and not consensual, the drugs are prescription and make him gassy, and the Rock and Roll is Coldplay.

2. Money Well
Roger is a guy who finds some cash on the street, and a bunch of shit happens to him. It's not that great, but it's only 162 pages so whaddya say?

3. Sarah Von Rattledink Goes To Washington
Sarah, the precocious cock-tease that works at that Starbucks near my kids' school goes to Washington and bangs everything in sight. In the book, we follow Sarah as she showers, shaves her legs slowly, wears next to nothing and goes to sleep everynight with whatever catches her fancy, man woman or beast. In the end she learns a little something about Government when she is forced to run for President by Old Mr. Mcgillicuddy, the cratchety old chimney sweep.

4. Punch Me! The Story of a Small, Smelly Dipshit
Walter smells like urine and maple syrup. He's also really short, and kind of fat. We follow Wally around as he gets the ever-living shit kicked out of him by bigger cooler guys. In the end he tries to kill himself by eating as many marshmallows as he can and washing them down with a bottle of bleach.

5. Abe's Boys
Abraham O'Connel is a bit of a grumpy old miser. He is constantly being bothered by the neighborhood kids' attempts to bring a little love and friendship into his life. Eventually the boys grow up and return to the old 'hood to see if Mr. O'Connel is still loveless and sad. They find that unfortunately he's sadder than ever. After a meeting with the local Priest, the boys decide it's their duty to show Abe that he is loved. They accomplish their mission by mentally torturing the shit out of him for a period of six straight days, until Abe decides that he better love something and soon, or these deranged fucks are gonna finish him off.

6. A Child Abuser Gets Sodomized In Half by a Horse
Needs no description.

7. Ring Around The Rosy
A young man is forced to come to terms with his own mortality after he smokes a joint laced with dogshit.

In the end these books will never be written. I can dream. More to come!

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