Monday, February 2, 2009

Generation Y Should I Give A Fuck?

Before I go off on this bastardization of the English language, please let me preface. For those of you lucky enough to not be intimately familiar with “Generation Y,” Webster’s Dictionary defines it as:

Generation Y n. The generation following Generation X, especially people born in the United States and Canada from the early 1980s to the late 1990s. [Modeled on Generation X.]

Generation X was just a cool, somewhat mysterious way to name the post baby boomer era, the post “Father Knows Best” mentality. So I was born post Gen-X, during Reganomics, Wall Street yuppies, big hair metal days when Phil Collins ruled the world and a young Metallica was looking to destroy world as we knew it (you know before technology confused and scared them). A guy like He-Man kicked ass, Frankie said relax, Rocky IV ended the Cold War, early cell phone and video game technology was upon us and we weren’t having clip shows talking about this stuff, we were damn well living it. To me, the 1980s just plain rocked. I was too young to understand or concern myself with Regan’s politics. I didn’t care. I was growing up in an interesting time, discovering new technologies, contently laughing at cliché cartoons and sitcoms of the era. All right, AIDS and crack cocaine may have been a product of the time but I was too little to engage in hardcore drugs and sexual relations (would have been a really interesting first 7 years of my life though). Anyway all good chapters must come to an end and someone with a bullshit job just had to label our generation. Post Gen-X, how about Generation Y? Creative? Hardly. Bullshit? Indubitably.

My overall contempt of this term has come from my professional life (which I will not indulge any further in case Jon Drama and the man behind the keyboard get ousted). People nearly twice my age are telling me the “millennials” (another ricockulous term for Gen-Y) are the waaaave of the future and that I should be reading blogs to understand what my professional peers are up to. They tell me that I should be blogging (which I have been doing long before co-workers told me of the “fad”). I do this for fun and when I am old, married and slipping into senility, I can look back and see my thoughts of varying subjects and have a laugh and remind myself that I was once a witty, charming young man. Why would I want to talk about whatever I want, when I could find 5,000 different ways to talk about what Generation Y will do to “change the world.” As I said before, the people telling me to grasp these changes are twice my age, withered old dreamers of a bygone era and just don’t have a clue.

Sometimes my peers send me blogs to make me think about the changes this crazy world is undergoing. One of my co-workers knows my true feelings on Generation Y and sends me blogs to get me fired up so I can send a witty retort. Unsurprisingly, it works every time. My latest response was to a blog about Mobile Marketing And Generation Y. The bottom line is that our generation is annoyed with text message advertisements. I will not post “their” blog for sake of not creating a hassle, but here was my response:

“I actually just read this blog (I tend to have more free time up here) and it is utterly horrible. 514 words to simply say: Text advertisements aren’t effective. Period. It’s not a generational issue either. That’s another crock of shit. That is simply *****’s attempt to market and brand themselves (which has worked to a degree I guess). By doing this, aging people who think they are “up with the change” (here’s a hint his name rhymes with Crack) think they stumbled onto something revolutionary. Text message advertisements don’t work. Big shit. I think if my 90 year old grandma (bless her heart) had a cell phone, she would agree text messages selling a product suck balls. I think if I start a blog stating the painfully obvious, maybe I will get some unjustifiable respect. Here’s one:

Shitty Days Ahead: Why Generation Y Will Not Stand For 1-Ply Toilet Paper

Great! Throw it on Twitter. Twitter my balls I say. Twitter them indeed.”

For those of you unaware of what Twitter is, it is simply another social networking application that pretty much seems to function the same as Facebook’s status update. Fucking pointless. The more technology I have the more update to date I will be. Everyone’s status is awful too; for once I would just like to leave “Jon Drama is masturbating furiously before his date so he doesn’t blow a unctuous load on the off-chance the girl touches his dangle before night’s end.” Back to Generation Y, the blogs on the matter are obvious and redundant. Plus as much as it’s cool see know that my peers are “taking a stand” and attempting to carve out a niche for our era, where does all of this “advice” come from? Google, their parents, college professor, a “really neat” NPR podcast or just out of plain air? Its just plain subjective thinking at its finest marketed as key tips, “facts”, and various countdown lists that us youngens need to survive in today’s workplace. Who needs a book when you can just curl up with your laptop? Ugh, I love technology, but I still prefer a real book, a good newspaper and a phone conversation not inundated with text messages to get my point across. Since these Gen-Y blogs are so subjective, here is a top 10 list (!) of attention-grabbing, Gen-Y blog topics equally asinine:

  1. Double Sided Dildos - The Future of Peer 2 Peer Networking…Today!
  2. Today’s Pain In The Ass: Why Millennials Will Change Conventional Thinking About Anal Sex
  3. Top Four Ways To Hide An Erection In The Office & Still Show How Horny You Are
  4. Entrepreneur Or Korean Sex Trafficker? Does It Matter?
  5. Why Swamp-ass Will Give You The Edge At The Company Picnic
  6. How To Effectively Utilize A Bullwhip & A Bottle Of Gin In Today’s Workplace
  7. Is It Better To Have A Raging Semi Or Stay Flaccid During Business After-hours?
  8. Dildonic Delights: Plugging Up Estrogen Levels In The Millennial’s Workplace
  9. How Showing Your Tits On Facebook Will Stimulate The Economy...and My Pants
  10. Trim The Hedges or Scorch The Earth? Pubic Hair Grooming Tips For Young Professionals

Thanks for the tips Gen-Y, but if you are looking for real advice, here it is: live. Be young, make mistakes and learn from them. Live your fucking life. We are human. Fall on your ass and get up because tomorrow is a new day. So come back hungrier…or hornier, but live dammit, live.

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