Wednesday, January 28, 2009

"I pee sitting down." - Larry David

And what's wrong with that? I for one pee sitting down. At home of course. Have you ever tried to sit on a toilet seat in a bar, school, place of work, the Vatican for that matter? It is an exercise in the truly disgusting. First off, sitting down when you pee, gentlemen, does NOT make you any less of a man. If during your visit to the tinkle fairy you are reading Better Homes and Gardens, you may want to take inventory of your masculinity. If you aren't reading, or for that matter are reading (something gung-ho, or masculine)... guess what; you are amongst the silent and comfortable army.

Should we stand when we pee at all times? Looking over our shoulders at that pile of clothes on the floor that never made it into the hamper, that pile which started out as a molehill and now rivals Pike's Peak in vertical splendour? Should we have to be uncomfortable when comfort is just a knee's bend away? The answer is plain and simple and for all of the homophobic, painfully obvious. Sit your ass down. How many times have you exposed your tubesteak in a valiant show of manhood with legs stiff and hands on hips, only to let loose with the stream of beer, or soda, or whiskey, or vodka or you name it, to then at once with a twinge of urgency, realize that if you had sat down you would have been able to carry this measure of humanity through it's perfect product? Well at that point of male negligence on account of our ridiculous, ingrained notions of masculinity, you would have to stop mid-stream, thus posing serious mental and physical pain to both of your brains. Had you been sitting, nature could have taken it's course in the boldest form of testosterone driven antics... the full on fart n' shit. There is a reason why we as men, still chuckle at fart jokes. We laugh because essentially they are one of the things that evens the playing field, and quietly reminds us that, no matter our social position, we are just as crude and base as the Queen of England. (Can't tell me that Lizzy don't rip... at her age)

Moving along, I find it pathetic that men would view something as basic and essential to the subsistence of an individual as the explusion of waste to sustain a somewhat healthy life, to have boundaries and battle lines. If you sit when you pee, "you're a homo." Great, will if I stand when I pee should I admire my own wang? Should I marvel at God's creation of the ultimate utilitarian limb? Give me a break. I'm standing when I could be sitting and trying not to hit the rim. If I am sitting.. I am trying to have the greatest non-sexual orgasm of the day. Humankind's best thoughts have been articulated whilst someone was sitting. Thomas Jefferson didn't write the Declaration of Independence when he was jogging, the Gettysburg Address wasn't written on a treadmill and the Constitution wasn't penned during a 5k. Those great minds who wrote those famous pieces of human emotion and reason were sitting, and pondering in comfort when they eloquently set down our country's greatest notions. Notions that have since become gospel to the populous.

In the end, I did not intend for this post to be lengthy or to proselytize at great lengths about the joys of a good sit down pee. I just want it to be known that there are men on the planet who do sit when they pee... born of greatness? Perhaps. Born of complete laziness? You bet your ass cochese... and who amongst us can't rally behind that standard?

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