Wednesday, January 28, 2009

This One Could Get A Little Racy

I guess you knew this topic needed to be spoken about sooner or later and I really don’t know how funny this blog is going to be (its not trying to be mean, I swear). With MLK and Barack Obama’s inauguration fresh in our minds and hearts, I wanted to give my take on the age-old subject of race. Like Dr. King, I truly do want equality amongst the races. When black people (yes I DON’T say African American either, but I’ll get to that) attain a victory, be it small or momentous like Mr. Obama’s win, some cry, others are joyous and other rub it in everyone else’s face or worse yet riot. I just don’t get it. During black suppression or the 50s and 60s, I understand the Black Panther movement and the need to use aggressive action. Perhaps that’s all the younger baby boomers and Generation X knew. Why is it still continuing? I want to explore a few racial issues that I have seen in my years on the planet.

Prologue: I “Get” It
I suppose it would only be a bit more politically correct and authentic if I were to preface this. I am a young adult, half Italian, half Puerto Rican and very proud of both heritages. I love the NBA, rap music, James Brown, Motown, fried chicken (hey my nationalities are only associated with pasta and rice, so fuck off) and I’ve even gotten me some brown sugar a time or two (and plan on it again someday). It’s not an apology before the storm; I just want you to know where I’m coming from. In fact, historically I always befriend my Hispanic and black contingent in the workplace because I feel I can relate to them as I myself have always been raised to be racially accepting and for that matter, lower middle-class. “I can’t believe you know so much about hip-hop music!” “Wow, I didn’t know you liked basketball so much?” Even worse, “Jon, you’re alright for a white boy.” Who said I was bad? Why does the fact that I’m an okay guy or can relate to any minority yet alone black people seem so surprising? Larry David has been quoted as saying, “I nod to black people so they know I’m one of the good ones.” I feel as though I have to do the same still today. So I’m going to take a page out of his book, George Carlin’s and even George Lopez (yes he is an equal opportunists when it comes to race jokes in his stand-up), when I explore the pale fascination I have with black people.

Chapter 1: Not all contrasting races are xenophobic.
Yes, I know a white person might not hold the door or given you a dirty look while you were driving or walking, but that does not mean it is because of the color of your skin. Maybe it is because that person is an asshole, you were driving like a jerk, walking in the middle of moving traffic (many do it and it ALWAYS pisses any race off) or you are just plain ugly. But it’s okay there are plenty of ugly bloated, drunken Micks, Mexicans, Mexicants, greasy Dagos, dumb Pollocks, Swedes, Gooks, buffoonish Canadians and hook-nosed Jew bastards. My point is everybody of any race knows or has seen an ugly person. Maybe Garry White didn’t hold the door for LeShawn Black because he is a fucking asshole not a racist. People are assholes, not necessarily racists. I didn’t hold the door because I didn’t want to wait for the person to walk over to make it and Rosa Parks didn’t want to give up her seat. Why? Likely because we were both tired (did I just compare myself to Rosa Parks?). Just the other day I went to use the treadmill at my local gym, my only option were too jog next to a white guy or a black guy. I quickly glanced at both or them and they both caught me. Hey, I wanted to get an idea of who I would be jogging along side of for the next 30 minutes. In the end, I jogged next to the white guy. I think I saw the black guy give me a look that screamed, “Cause I’m black, huh.” I felt guilty for the next 0.0001 seconds. The black guy was going full speed with full sweat bouncing everywhere listening to “his shows” on the television. The white guy was quiet as a mouse, never distracted me once and left 5 minutes into my workout (hey, I was not offended). It’s a free country he could listen to whatever he wants and grunt to his heart’s content. That doesn’t mean I have to chill next to his sweaty ass, no matter what color he damn well is.

Chapter 2: The Politically Correct Way To Say “Black”
I never have nor will ever say African American. I say black. Black people say black, why can’t I? Then again they say nigga and I don’t (unless I am rapping along to a song in a car with whites or Hispanics), but what are you going to do? Elitist white people look at me funny when I say black. Listen up Tucker and Doreen, politically correct does not make up for the fact that you don’t want to be seen with “those people” or that you think Michael Buble (I say Bubbly) is the world’s greatest recording artist. I think Afro-American is just plain retarded too. All black people have afros then? My father (a white man, man) had an afro perm in the 70s, does that make him an Afro-American? It’s just retarded. That’s another word I think everyone should be able to use. Retarded. The PC way of saying retarded or slow is saying a person is mentally challenged. That’s what I say when referring to the mentally “troubled.” First those with problems way back when were called village idiots, then retarded, now mentally challenged. We can say idiots just fine, now retards (or wee-todds for you kids) should not be an issue. It’s just evolution of vocabulary slang. Anyway, black people have called me white (as I look too pale to be Puerto Rican to some, whatever) and I call them black. I call it being socially correct. To quote Zach Galifinakis, “I drank so much last night, I African Americaned out.” See we can be politically correct here too. So screw off, Tucker.

Chapter 3: Nappy Headed Media Hoes
So, do I think Don Imus was being racist when he called the women’s Rutgers basketball team “nappy headed hoes?” I’ve heard many of his shows through the years, so deep down he is just kind of a bigot who doesn’t know any better. Does that excuse him? Not really. Was I disappointed that he was taken off the air (he’s back but hidden in a station no one really gets)? Not really. It was a lame attempt at shock humor and any relevance the I-Man has had long since been fading. The people who brought him “to justice” were just bored and needed something to get riled up about (not unlike Johnnyboy said about liberals today). Howard Stern can get away with saying “racy” things because Robin is his trusted radio partner, has listeners of all races and is actually funny.

Michael Richards. His outburst was strange to everyone, which led to a media fixation around it. When Kramer enlisted the services of Jerry Seinfeld himself to help him apologize on David Letterman that was not good enough. His career was definitively over and Mr. Richards would now be known as Cosmo Kramer and the dude who is racist. That’s enough punishment for him to not leave the house during the day. Not for our racial media “leaders.” Al Sharpton has a perm and talks a lot; I don’t really care about him. My beef is with Jesse Jackson. Yes, the same Jesse Jackson who blew his political bid by calling New York Hymie Town. Then over 2 decades later, the United States is finally ready to embrace a black president, Jesse should lend his full support, right? Well if this is support, I don’t want to know what opposition is…

I understand. He didn’t know his mic was on and it was taken “out of context.” That’s where Kramer failed. He should have said the n-word when his mic was off by that way of thinking. They are both idiots, Jesse just has a better publicist. Cut my nuts off if I'm wrong, but i think this is why Obama distanced himself from the "great" Reverend.

So a “nappy headed ho” is not a good thing to be called, but I think the Jesse Jacksons and Al Sharptons of the world are something worse, media hoes (I prefer the word “whores” as it has stronger context). Enjoy your company as a media whore Jesse, right up there with Paris Hilton, Britney, K-Fed, The Beckhams, Fergie, Kim Kardashion and countless other fucks. To be a media whore, it is equal opportunity, regardless of race, religion, sexual orientation or gender. All you have to be is a douchebag looking for attention and a quick news story. Checkmate. Looking for real black leaders? Try Richard Pryor, Bill Cosby or even Warwick Dunn (an extremely charitable athlete) and many others. They pushed the boundaries of free speech, made us laugh, think and used their celebrity and fortune to benefit those who really needed it. Unlike some prick who preys on the ignorant to screw up and is bitter that he wasn’t president first.

Chapter 4: “We’ve Come A Long Way, Baby”
What makes this blog fun (or at least until we are taken down) is that Johnnyboy can write a blog about being a conservative Republican and regardless of what I say (I consider myself an indecisive moderate) I voted for Barack Obama. John has made some great points to deter the Obots, but the fact remains I voted for him and what’s done is done. I felt when I voted for him that a lower middle class young adult such as myself would have the best chance for a prosperous future. What happens from here is up in the air, but the fact is a black man is our president. It’s about time a higher standard has been set for minorities. After all of these years Jackie Robinson was a huge deal (and was for the time in baseball), but young people today can’t relate to that since segregation is almost a dead issue in sports (I’ll take a black guy as my quarterback if he is good and I could care less about hockey unless the Whalers come back). A lot of young inner city youth don’t even care about baseball (Real Sports will be the first to tell you) as Hispanics and even the Asian population seems to be gravitating towards the sport. So as gritty urban dramas and rap records have told us, there is either rapping, playing ball or hustling. That’s pretty much it for minorities in poverty. Well, adding president to that short list is definitely uplifting for those who think they don’t have a future. As my 90 year old gram put it, “He’s a very well spoke colored man. I would have voted for him.” Get over the fact that she said “colored” and pay attention to the fact that she would have voted (if she was in better health). She grew up in the Great Depression, World War II and the racial separation era. She says colored because that’s the era. The fact that a person at her age is accepting of the “change” (I’ll believe it when the economy is back on its feet) this country is undergoing; we really are making tremendous strides on that front.

Have you ever been the only black person in a crew of preppy cracker asses? How about the only white guy in a crew of gangsta ass, well I better not say, type people. It can be awkward. Cultures are different. People are strange. Jeremy’s spoke in. Mama said knock you out. Punks jump up to get beat down. But we’re all living for the city, so big bang baby, don’t throw ya gunz, baby I need your loving sometimes it’s a cruel summer, we can all be a cult of personality, so put on your red shoes and dance the blues because dancing days are here again. After all, I’m on a plain, I can’t complain. So what does this mean for the contrasting races that make up this grand land of man and woo-man? As the late great George Carlin once said, “Make fuck not kill.” I think those are words we can all live by.

These have just been my views and if you stumbled on to this article, I hope you understand that I am an equal opportunist at calling out people on this forum. I feel I am a better person for talking about different races like I would my own. I understand there will always be racial sensitivity in some form, likely for the rest of my life. What if white was black and the history books been reversed? It’s a blog I dare not take to task, but The Pharcyde did in this video what is undoubtedly one of my favorite songs of all time and just a weird way to end this thing we call a weblog…

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