Sunday, August 16, 2009

5 People You Don't Wanna Leave Your Kids With

Its a fucking jungle out there. Or so the story goes. Anyway, I was thinking about kids the other day, and more to the point my kids (if I ever have any) and I wondered what my screening process would be for babysitters. Everyone is pretty messed up in one way or another, but who would be the MOST messed up? That's who I'd pick. Toughen them up young, I don't want some whiny crybaby who is going to throw a fit every time I say the word "no." Without further ado... here are 5 people that YOU don't want to leave your kids with. Some of them are dead... but you get the point.

1. GG Allin Well just take a look at that picture. It says it all. Alot of people don't know who GG Allin was, and thats kind of a shame. I'm not going to describe exactly who GG was, but lets just say that if you went to a Murder Junkies show in the late 80's or early 90's there was a good chance you would either get raped (orally, vaginally and anally) beaten to within an inch of your life, or had piss, shit, blood and cum thrown on you by that guy right up there. So yeah leaving your kids with this guy would be a bad idea. Oddly enough, GG had a daughter. She's off the grid and with good reason, so we're not sure if she's started raping people yet, but we're almost positive shes thrown piss on at least one person. Oh and GG is dead, but I'm guessing you wouldn't wanna leave your kids with his ghost either.

2. The Character, Vern Schilinger from the Show Oz

Ohhh yeah you remember this guy. He raped Beecher and then carved a swastika into his ass with a red hot ball point pen. NOT a good guy to leave your kids with. Now there are two schools of thought here... Mine (the right one) and Yours, the reader's (the wrong one) Mine goes as follows: with the way the world is going and the direction this country is heading in, it might not be bad for a tyke to learn how to survive in prison, or at least how to make a shank. Yours goes like this: oh boo hoo I need another latte, little Piearson and Madison need to be taken care of when I'm out taking my daily constitutional, oh my stars boo hoo. You fuckin' pansy. But no seriously folks, don't leave your kids with nazis.

3. Lt. Dan TaylorI always liked this guy. Even in Ransom. Sinise is a good actor but Lt. Dan would be awful as a babysitter. Not because of his drinking, or his penchant for banging strippers, or his dirty appearance... but because he wouldn't be able to get around that easy and what if your kids decide to play in the stove? His wheels could get caught on something. Don't leave your kids with Lt. Dan or anyone else in a wheel chair.

4. Janeane Garofalo

Somehow she'd figure out a way to turn your kids into lesbians. Even if you have boys. There is something about this woman that just makes me queasy. She's not funny, attractive or important in any way shape or form in the entertainment business. She's a superfluous jerk. If you left your kids with her for a couple of hours they would instantly lose any future in having a sense of humor. Sometimes I think this woman was spawned just to remind us from time to time that there is always someone worse off than we. I know she has more money than me and that shes a C maybe B list celebrity but I can say without a doubt that I'm better than her. So are you. So are we all.

5. Me

Look at how regally my ascot is tucked into my waistcoat. Sheer poetry in clothing. Anyway no really I suck at watching kids. I was a camp counselor for about 5 years too... that didn't help anything. I used to play a game called "executioner" with my kids where everyday I'd select one of my campers to be my "hitman" and throughout the day we would pick out campers at random, take them about ten feet away from the group, make them kneel, execution style, and he or she and I would whip dodgeballs at the back of the kid's head - much to the delight of the other campers. They actually loved the game, and I got a kick out of throwing dodgeballs at kids. It was win win. I think one of the reasons that I don't think you'd want me to watch your kids is because I really don't like them. Maybe when they're my own I'll change my mind but I really doubt it. So I guess I am going to have to pawn them off on my parents until they reach an age when I won't find them so annoying... maybe around 23. Then I'll do the whole father thing with them. At this rate, I'm not worried about it because I don't even remember what a vagina looks like.

Woe is me.

1 comment:

Kooper said...

Unfortunately, the character Vern Schilinger and the actor J.K. Simmons aren't very different, as my son Les and I painfully discovered. Mr. Simmons babysat my son and within 15 minutes of my departure, I receive a text message saying "im guna make a man outta Les." This was odd, considering Mr. Simmons claimed in our interview that he hadn't quite made the leap to touchtone. Anyway, I arrive home only to see the phrase "LES IS MORE" embrazened on my son's forehead while a very pleased Mr. Simmons looks on with content. When I inquire about my son's head, Mr. Simmons cuts me off mid-sentence and simply replies, "Just Kause." I guess we now know what the J.K. stand for...