Monday, November 9, 2009

2009 : A Baseball Odyssey

Ok, so let me start off by congratulating the New York Yankees, the greatest team in the history of sports... the most wonderful group of human beings on the planet for their victory over the Phillies in the 2009 World Series. Phillies? Yeah... I want to root for a team named after a female horse. Blow me Jimmy Rollins, you are an idiot. Moving along, I want to convey to you dear reader, what it's like watching a baseball game with my friends. It is exhausting, angering and utterly disgusting at times. I watched the majority of the Yankee games I saw this season (probably close to 145-155 if we're counting radio broadcasts and blackberry alerts) In my own home. The rest of them, I'm gonna say maybe 35, at my friend's house. Lets call him Ray. That's alot of baseball to watch with someone who asks questions like, "are they playing at home right now?" Most of the time, I just shrugged the questions off and enjoyed the game, but after a while it got painful at best.

I don't pretend to be the biggest Yankee fan in the NY Metropolitan area, I am the biggest Yankee fan in the NY Metro area. I live and die with this team and have since my first game at the old stadium against Cal Ripken's Orioles in July, 1990. My Great Grandfather called a game with Mel Allen in the late 1940's, at Yankee stadium, in the booth. That's fucking cool. Needless to say, I am a bit obsessed. Sportswise, I enjoy football. Basketball is alright if its the playoffs. Hockey is cool live. Soccer isn't a sport, its a torture, but baseball, in my eyes, is the greatest game ever devised on this planet. The timing, accuracy and pace are pure perfection. Ken Burns put it best, "It is a leisurely game, that demands blinding speed. The only game, where the defense has the ball." Ok now that you understand where I'm coming from, you will see why Ray, our other friend Gill and Gill's dog, Flerberus made my post season a living hell.

I love my friends. They are great and I depend on them, I can only hope they look at me as someone they can depend on. Watching baseball with them though, well that's another story. Here are a couple instances from the 2009 post season which made my blood boil. Everything in Quotations is from the lips of Ray, Gill and Flerberus.

1. "Ok so wait, why is Jeter out?" Well, because he bunted it foul for a third strike. "But it went foul." Exactly, that's a strike. "I know bro, but it's a foul ball." Yes, but it was a fucking bunt... when you bunt it foul for a third strike, you're out. "Since when?" SINCE BASEBALL WAS INVENTED IN THE 19th CENTURY. "Calm down, I just didn't know."

2. This ump isn't giving Pettitte any room to breathe tonight. "Yeah well I mean shit." ..... Yeah, well? "Well what?" What do you mean? Do you think he's not throwing strikes or... just not getting the calls? "Either way dude." (I don't need to explain why this is aggravating.)

3. "Bro don't even worry I'm getting like 50 wings in about ten minutes, so we can just eat em and then get all drunk and fucked up" That's not the point Gill, we need to wrap this up tonight, I can't take another night of this stress. "Whatever bro its whatever, I mean shit we can win it at home, and so what if it goes to seven games dude, the Yankees always win game 7 at home, you know that." Um, the Yankees have never played a World Series game 7 at home. "Well whatever bro I mean seriously dude, its gonna be fine dude, we got CC going Wednesday." No we don't, its Pettitte on short rest. "Well whatever bro, I'm gonna go get the wings."

4. "Woof." Shutup Flerberus.

5. "When the Yankees win tonight..." - FUCKING JINX. Didn't these idiots ever play a sport before?

6. (I just pulled up to my friends apt. about 15 minutes into the 1st inning, Game 5) Why are you guys out here and not watching the game?? "Flerberus beefed pretty hard dude, we can't go in there right now." Wait, we can't go in because your dog farted? "Yeah bro it was pretty gnarly, he's been eating alot of cheese an shit recently." This is fucking stupid dude, I wanna watch the game, that's why I came here in the first place. "Well it should be kosher by the bottom of the 2nd at the latest."

Ladies and gentlemen, the problem here is that Ray claims to have played baseball as a kid so his questions about rules and the like are even more absurd. Gill likes the Yankees if they're in the playoffs. Palex Mudor, my other friend was there for a couple of games but he kept quiet and enjoyed the baseball. Thank you Palex. Flerberus is just a fucking goon who was put on this Earth to eventually eat Gill's dead body after his girlfriend inevitably shoots and kills him. The Yankees won though, and it was a fun post season I guess. Next year if the Yanks are good and lucky enough to get back to the tournament.... I may just catch the games at home.


Anonymous said...

whose jonny fat?

Anonymous said...

or jonny f at...he must be huge wid a space in der