Monday, March 2, 2009

Johnstradamus : I Got Your End of the World, Right Here!

I have been reading about this 12/12/12 crap for a while. Apparently the world is supposed to end, because the sun will be in line with the center of the Milky Way. Here's the thing folks.... GOOD! For it was spoken to me, Johnstradamus on this very night, 3/3/09, that I have; if thou most humble readers pleasest... the spoken word of the time keeper of the universe. A recounting of the revelation in the most humble prose:
Angel of Time : BEHOLD, for I am the angel of time... Roger.
Me: Roger?
Roger : Oh fuck yeah.
Me: Well... Roger.. what word from the sands of infinite future do you have for us?
Roger: Ok first off... forget this 12/12/12 B.S. It's gonna happen when the Earth crashes into some gay-ass meteor and everyone and everything is gonna be like.. "whooooooaaaa holy shit this is so fucked up!"
Me: When might that be Rog?
Roger: My name is Roger dipshit.
Me: Sorry dude.
Roger: Whatever, you're so fucked, and you have no idea. You humans have labored under the assumption that you have knowledge that goes far beyond that of God's. You have been "building" this world... and you're still working at it.
Me: But Roger, it's gonna be pretty ok, and it's gonna look pret... (Roger interrupts)
Roger: It's gonna look like shit bro!!
Me: I'm sorry?
Roger: Me too dude. Do you have any soda, or like seltzer? I don't want beer. I'll even take milk.
Me: I might have some root beer.
Roger: Oh fucking great, I can't wait until you all die.
Me: Alright ROGER... tell me something about the apocolypse... something that I can at least tell my friends.
Roger: Fine Johnstradamus... the heavens have collided and from Deidre'sbosom and her cool tears I am arrived. Here is the prophecy of the end of time. "You are so doomed. All of you. The environment? There's a whole galaxy out there you egotistical butt rangers. Ok, so, your world is what concerns you... You know what concerns us, up in heavean? The fact that you've bestowed coronation ceremonies on Donal Trump, Bill Maher, Anne Coulter and Stevie Ray Vaughan.
Me: But Stevie was ... (interrupted by a smack from Roger)
Roger: Stevie was what? A lame dirtdink who could cover Little Wing... woahhh boy... I could do that right now.
Me: No you couldn't.
Roger: Whatever can I fucking finish? Ok so yeah, you're all screwed. Time... which you made, will most definitely one day end. It wont be because of anything you did you egotistical assholes... It'll end because we said so. Get over yourselves and Dane Cook is the Antichrist.
I woke up hours later with the stale taste of cigarettes and whiskey in my mouth. I thought it was all a dream... until I picked up Word Up magazine and saw a picture of Biggie and Iggy Pop drinking piss out of an upturned tambourine. The end is time... not the other way around.

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