Saturday, April 25, 2009

Things.... That I Fuckin Hate

Ok so lists are a gimme now on this blog... but they work well and people seem to like them. Plus they're easy to write... so here goes yet another.

1. People Who Don't Text Back : I saw recently that there was a whole facebook group dedicated to this. Well fuck you guys too, I'm writing a whole paragraph on it. How lazy, or inconsiderate can you be? It takes about 30 seconds to write a text message. "Yo dude, you goin out tonight?"..... three hours pass by..... well either your friend isn't going out, theyre in jail, they're going out, but its with a girl you used to date, or their just lazy pieces of camelshit. How hard is it to use your thumbs to say, "No man sorry, call you soon"? It's tantamount to calling someone, they pick up and you say hello - and they don't answer. They just stay on the phone and breathe. Great, thank you. To all you soulless bastards and bitches who don't have the common decency to text back... I hope you are killed by a giant thumb.

2. Guys Who Always Want To Leave A Bar For A Different Bar : These are the guys who never get laid. There's no action here. The drinks are warm. This place sucks. I hate that guy. That bartender stiffed me. My ex girlfriend hangs out here. I've never met a girl here. I hate the music. It's too loud in here. Wait a minute.... that's actually me. Nevermind, you guys are awesome. Kings among men, and dick sizes that rival the Empire State Building in vertical splendor. God bless and keep you.

3. Girls Who Make Kissy Faces In Pictures : Awesome you can purse your lips! Congratulations, you have the same facial ability as Steven Hawking. What are you trying to say? That you have the ability to kiss? Excellent so does everyone. Are you blowing a kiss to whomever may be looking at your picture? Wonderful, so you're willing to kiss about a million people (if you post it on Fbook or Myspace). Well done, you're a whore. How about a nice smile? That always works. When was the last time a photographer said, "ok in three, two ... look like a guppie!:? It never happened and it never will.

4. Girls Who Religiously Get Pedicures : Sweet, your toenails are pink but your feet still smell like exactly what they are...a utilitarian appendage that sweats and not only sweats, but sweats in something as constricting as a sock. My favorite is the girl who goes out of her way to show them off. "I got my feet done today, aren't they pretty?" No they're not... they are deformed hands that sit at the bottom of a bulky arm that you have to shave. The worst are the ones who get little flowers, or designs on them. Do you think we can tell if your pedicure has a lotus blossom on it from where we stand?? At most it looks like someone fucked up your pedicure and you have a paint splotch on them... and you were too lazy to fix it. Here's and idea girls.. take that foot... and put it in a fucking shoe. I don't want to see your horny old toes.

5. People Who Like The Song, "Sweet Caroline" : Good times have never ever been near people who sing along to this song. Touching hands... touching you... killing myself with a gallon of canola oil. You will hear this song alot at the end of a night in college bars. People are so drunk that the chorus is easy enough that all you have to sing is, "oh oh oh." Rhodes scholars, the lot of you. You know what the best thing about Neil Diamond is? It's that he's 68, and has lived the life of a pop-star so he may die soon.

6. Guys Who Think Cologne Will Hide The Fact That They Didn't Shower That Day : Nothing like the sickly sweet smell of B.O. mixed with Cool Water to send a girl over the top with lust. They mine as well carry around a bag of horseshit with a Yankee Candle lit in the middle of it. Listen pal, we get it... you're lazy. I don't care, no one does... so stay at home, or take the 8 minutes it takes to shower out of your crowded schedule of masturbating and watching Antiques Roadshow and stop stinking up my night. Cool Water is pretty awesome though.

7. The Word, "Nigger" : Black men and women... what the hell are you thinking? Why would you EVER refer to anyone with a term that was used to humiliate and de-humanize your entire race? White guys, who because they have black friends think that they can get away with saying it are the worst. What a crock of shit. Try these words instead... bro, pal, dude, buddy, man, sister, brother, guy, chief, slick... etc...

I know I always say, "more to come"... but I will post more soon. Just very angry tonight.