Monday, June 29, 2009

Recent News... And Why I don't Give a Shit

Ok well first off, I am sure you were well aware that I had to write something about Michael Jackson. So let me get this one out of the way...

1. The Death of Michael Jackson : Firstly, I have to disagree with my colleague Jon on this one. There is no possible way this man was the greatest entertainer of all time. Elvis may not have had the pop craze that Jacko enjoyed, but Elvis' music made black rock and roll acceptable to white audiences. He influenced generations of musicians and to put it quite simply, without Elvis you wouldn't have had MJ. So Elvis supersedes him in musical importance. As a showman, Sinatra reigns supreme. Number of hits, longevity of career, the way his voice is considered the soundtrack to a generation (and not a compartmentalized generation - all listening to different music to show their individualism) movies, and his overall influence on the people of a country trumps Jacko's resume by light years. That 0ut of the way, I have to say I felt bad that I didn't feel bad when he died. He was around when I was a kid obviously and I remember him. I also remember thinking he was odd and that his music sucked. That being said, "Off The Wall" is a terrific album. There is no denying the man was talented, but the cons outweigh the pros here. I would also like to point out to my African American readers (if I have any) that this man is not an ambassador for you or for your race. He hated being black so much that he bleached his skin. Loving this man because he was your color once, for a brief time back in the day doesn't make him an icon. Also... and I mean this ; I believe that if you hurt, touch, molest or do anything to a child after making them drink "Jesus juice", you should be executed with a bottle of rubbing alcohol and nail clippers. That wipes out everything... wrote some good songs, danced like a maniac, ended up a freakish punchline for all the world to enjoy? Good. Touched a kid? Burn in fucking Hell. End of story. I have no patience or sympathy for pedophiles. I say burn down Neverland Ranch and salt the ground... it's a weird place anyway.

2. Health care Reform : I'm Pretty Positive Obama Has No Idea What He's Doing Now
That's what I want folks... politicians making my medical decisions for me. Nationalized health care... that's where he wants to head with this. What a joke. I like how democrats just want to give absolutely everything away for free, at the expense of the middle class to the point where the lazier people (and from looking around that's about 80% of the country) won't have to do a Goddamn thing one day and will be able to live quite comfortably. Bullshit. If the government can't get anything right, and sure as hell can't organize and execute their chosen offices and departments... what makes you think they'll be able to pull this off? Nationalized health care is stupid for alot of different reasons, but the one that really scares me ; is the fact that now your personal business will be EVERYONE'S business. Now if you're walking down the street, you have a small stake in everyone elses lives as they pass. "Hey buddy, put out that cigarette, I'm paying for your health care" - "Hey fatty lose some weight, I'm paying for your healthcare" - "Hey slutso stop sucking that guy off, I'm paying for your health care." And so on. It also gives the government free reign to ban all sorts of things. Imagine lowering your health care tax, by eliminating cancer research... by banning smoking! Lovely. I don't bring this specific point up because I'm a smoker... smoking is bad for you, no doubt about it, but this is a free fucking country that I am taxed to live in and at one time could have been drafted to go and die for. If I want to smoke, I am going to smoke. I am going to smoke, I am going to drink, I am going to go on roller coasters and go swimming and eat red meat and have sex with questionable women and here's the thing... if any of those activities that I participated in cause me to become ill or injured... I'll pay for it myself. I will not ask you to pay for it for me, nor will I expect you to. I am really starting to worry about the future of this country.

3. North Korea / Iran : One sick fuck wants missiles, ones got em. These two deranged assholes should get a timeshare together somewhere and let it be filmed. I know how to fix these problems people... ready? Drop a ton of porno, Budweiser, Jameson, Thomas Paine's Common Sense, Xbox's and Maxim Magazines by the ton into those countries. Let the youth see what they're missing and then when they get older they'll want it all the time. Iranian women are butt ugly from what I've seen and Korean women ain't much better (any attractive Iranian or Korean women who wish to prove me wrong can contact me through this blog and then come to my house and prove their beauty by blowing me) so I think American porn is just what the doctor ordered. I bet if we could convince Megan Fox to bang Kim Jong Ill (spelling?) and Ahmadinejadawhoositzmegalomaniacaljerkoff... there will be no more problems in either region. If that doesn't work I say we just let them do their thing. Take the leash off of Israel and let them turn Iran into a parking lot, and North Korea? Well I guess we're just gonna have to wipe you off the face of the planet and in your place build water slides and the like. That would be fucking awesome... a country completely made up of water slides. We could call it "Waterworld" and it wouldn't be half as confusing or aggravating as Kevin Costner's water opus.

So in the end, the country is on the brink of collapsing under our rookie President's best intentions, the North Koreans are threatening to wipe us off the map, the Iranians are being beaten and killed in the streets by the government because they are exercising their divine right to free speech, and all over the news... we are mourning the loss of a little boy touching punchline, a woman who made a career out of showing her nips through a shirt on a poster in the late seventies, and a guy who sold detergents on television. And you wonder why I'm so angry?

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Dead Up, Yo: A Blog For The Morbidly Deceased

Good Mourning, friends and well-wishers! Seeing all of my friends, peers and local laughingstocks tweet and Facebook stati (there's got to be a verb for the word status), everyone's got an uber "important" opinion on the recent slate of deaths. Since my words are not limited to 140 characters, here are some quick thoughts that I like to call, This Week In Celebrity Deaths:

Let's start in chronological order:

Ed McMahon - June 23, 2009
My dad told me about this one right as I was, as usual, running late to work. I grumbled, "Ah, no surprise." Harsh, yes, but Ed was old and lived a full life and career. One of the last times I saw him was briefly on some lousy Family Feud primetime special. The only reason I stopped at the channel was because I thought, "Shit, Ed McMahon looks bad." An 85 year old guy in a neck brace kind of drooling is not a sight for primetime television. It nearly broke my HD tuner. I pitied Ed till I found out how much back taxes he owed. Not even all those years on the Tonight Show, then Publisher's Clearing House and The Feud could save old Ed. Baby Boomers insist that the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson was great, I'm sure it was, but I was too young to care. I'm sure many, many (I hope) years from now when I tell my kid what a great man Andy Richter was, he or she or he-she won't care much either. I never did win that Publisher's Clearing House and met Ed McMahon or Dick Clark. R.I.P. Ed. Keep on truckin' Dick.

Farrah Fawchett - June 25, 2009

Another unsurprising one. A long battle with anal cancer, a fate best reserved for a person of Hitler-like proportions. I really don't have much to say on this one, I'm miffed that people I know that weren't even alive when Charlie's Angels was on the air, call her an 80's icon. Angels was canceled in 1980 and after that it was pretty much a supporting role in Cannonball Run....and a poster a LOT of young boys became men to (you know, slapping hand) in the 70's. In fact, it is the best selling pin-up poster of all time, selling 12 million copies. No other women could pose effortlessly seductive in 33 years??? A tribute to her hotness, although I never personally spanked it to that poster (and I'm NOT going to start now). Ryan O' Neal had plans to rewed Farrah when she was on her deathbed. Romantic? I guess, but then again there are some that see Natural Born Killers as a fantastic romantic romp. Expect Ryan O' Neal in some sort of TMZ-related mess in the near future.

Michael Jackson - June 25, 2009
A blog in itself. My personal focus group, which is social networking, has created two camps. One, which is he was a molester, fuck him. Two is he was the King of Pop, he entertained me. Truth be told, I was a big fan as a kid. I wore the one glove and danced around to his music. My mom even bought me a toy microphone, but I grew out of it. The problem with Michael, is that he never grew out of childhood. He was the ultimate Man-Child. Pedophilia is a terrible and frightening crime....yet I fall into the second camp that chooses to remember his wealth of music and entertainment value. Oh well to those kids and fuck their greedy parents too. MJ was the greatest showman of all time (fuck Elvis, a watered down "safe" choice for lame whites). Jacko didn't molest me and was a great entertainer. The bad is equal with the good, but the good says he was the greatest all around showman ever.

Billy Mays - June 28, 2009
While all of my peers posted about everyone else, I was among the first to post this one (I even included a picture in case you didn't know). Out of the other 3, why was this the only death I commented on publicly? Simply put, he was the only relevant one. The others were past their primes (even MJ, too much to comeback from), but Billy was a multi-millionaire (that means not in serious debt like Ed or Michael) and arguably the greatest pitchman of all time. He hocks cheesy titled products, but he also gave new inventors an opportunity to live their dreams. If you can sell a boatload of products this country doesn't really need, you are a success in my book. Boisterously hawking products to unsuspecting consumers on all hours of the day...maybe this is the American Dream these days? Billy did it better than them all and I look forward to Pitchmen on the Discovery Channel every week. The least famous, but most relevant will be missed.

It is sad to see people that we may have seen on our television screens through the years pass on, but to my peers with opinions, I didn't hear half as much talk when thousands died during Hurricane Katrina. Sorry they were not entertainers, pedophiles (as far as we know), talk show sidekicks, TV sluts and pitchmen. Get your GED, make your one comment and move the fuck on. Michael Jackson doesn't care what you think about him anymore now than when he was alive. It's over folks. Let's just hope the list of people celebrities and otherwise drying can stay low. R.I.P. to the deceased and a "Keep On Truckin'" to the rest.


Sunday, June 21, 2009

Fuck Hope

It's a strong title, but since this blog is a free-flowing one-sided conversation that regularly deals with mature subjects, I say on this Father's Day 2009, fuck hope. I also realize that my comrade Johnnyboy has dated a girl named Hope (better than a boy named Sue I suppose), I am not bashing her by any means Johnboy. I am bashing the idea of hope; perhaps what some feel is the "American Dream."

Why no hope? Well, honestly there is not all that much I believe in. Working hard certainly hasn't benefited the middle-class. Fuck, I did it. I usually refuse to associate myself with these lame affiliations we have been believed to hold sacred. I love many of the people I have met through the years, but I loathe that of which the associate themselves with mostly. I'd rather not be involved, cause a disagreement, war or something. I am particularly sick of political and social entertainers that always feel they have something important to say. I don't care for Jon Stewart and Steven Colbert (although I enjoy Bill Mahr's diverse forum from time to time). Political comedians seem to feel that things were once much better and with an ounce of effort, things could be much better and the way they were, you know the "good old days." Sure, I think they are talented and funny at what they do, but it gets tiring and they come off like catty girl scouts linked with wishful outcome and solution. It's bullshit.

George Carlin once said, "If you think there's a solution, then you are part of the problem." Amen, George. I concern myself with my own world. My friends, my family, women worthy of penetration and making money for selfish reasons (alcohol-fueled fun on the weekends, movies and "getting by" mostly). By not being emotionally attached to the outside world, my life has been much easier. Nothing I do is going to change the world for the better. I am not running for office, thus I have no reason to care.

Sure, I believe in a few things. I believe in limited happiness (mostly confined to orgasms, hearty laughter, chocolate chip cookies, alcohol & friends, but not necessarily altogether), some type of karmic God and love (along with mounds and mounds of toleration). Is this blog gloom and doom? No, I am a personal optimist. If I were a real cynic, I'd tell you everything is "gunna be alright." I'd bullshit you, but I don't do that, so fuck hope.

Since I started off mentioned Father's Day, it would only be proper to finish off by saying Happy Father's Day to my dad, Johnnyboy's dad, all the good dads out there and even the moms who do double duty thanks to deadbeat dad situations. Fuck those guys. Also, a small "fuck you" to the moms that picked out a real winner of a dad (a jail cornholder with a drug/drinking/murder problem) and put kids they weren't ready to have in a shitty situation. Thoughtless cunts. Anyway, Happy (good) Father's Day!!!