Sunday, October 25, 2009

Getting To Know Me...

So I've been blogging in some form for a while now and I feel I have failed you the reader to get to know me. With that said, I'm finally submitting my staff biography here at The Lovely Bastards...enjoy!

"Both as a wannabe graphic designer and co-author of this blog, Jonny F is a lifelong problem solver. Companies and semi-professionals of all ilks turn to him for help resolving their graphical and assorted nonsensical concerns. A human being in Connecticut for nearly 27 years, he knows the state's alcohol and Italian cuisine infrastructures in depth. Drawing upon his extensive knowledge and his knack for creative thinking, he prank-calls local laughingstock John “Beatboy” Melnicough on a weekly basis recurrently making fun of the same incessant individuals, oft “beating a dead horse.”

Mr. Jonny’s life encompasses virtually any type of dispute, whether between associates or involving outsiders. Mr. F cut his teeth in the schoolyard, being bullied and picked last in the “gym room”, making him bitter at individuals better suited for success than he. Through the years, he pigeon-holed his life to where it is today. While drinking and pointing out the shortcomings of others remain key areas of his focus, he now represents a wide variety of losers in a vast array of matters. Of particular emphasis to him are sleeping, eating, doing the same routine at the gym, spend money he really does not have and sabotaging any relationship he could potentially have due to his crippling fear of commitment and monogamy.

As his practice has grown and diversified, so has his involvement in community affairs and state and local politics. Mr. F sits on the board of directors of 4B Land-trust Foundation of Connecticut, Local 12 of the Ball Buster’s Union, The International House of Sauteed Onions, and Greater New Haven Alchemist’s Aid. He is extremely inactive in many local non-profit organizations, and has written many articles including Short Arms, Deep Pockets: I Need a Tax-Write-off, Okay? and Volunteerism Only Masks Your Deep Insecurities and Constant Need for External Approval.

Growth and diversification likewise characterize Mr. F’s leadership of the firm as its managing partner. He has been instrumental in helping The Lovely Bastards become one of Connecticut's leading organizations in underachieving. Under his management, the firm significantly lessened and weakened its practice areas. His lack of commitment to community has been a catalyst for the firm's greater captivation in doing absolutely nothing. Additionally, he was recently elected to the Bridgeport Bar Association with limited access to sleep on hardwood floors when applicable.

For his clients, Mr. F’s experience is key - experience in the lunchroom, in the bathroom and in the bar. Clients know that these elements add up to a man they can barely trust to solve any business problem they face, all the while keeping in mind what great hair he has…"

Thanks for reading,


Thursday, October 8, 2009


First off, let me say that the amount of emails Jon and I have gotten in this unannounced, "off-season" have been really obnoxious. We are busy, just give it some time and we will post. Anyway... hi. So one thing that I have been struggling with lately is the fact that everyone and everything is ascribed a label these days. Nerds are "gamers." Really? I thought they were just dorks who were better at fake situations and using their thumbs than real situations and using their dicks. Closet homosexuals are now, "hipsters." Complete with their own clothing, bicycles and slang. Here's one for ya brah.... hey bro wanna dip down to the corner alley and give each other blowjees? It'll be hella sick. AIDS may not be such a bad thing.

I am at my wits end with all this bullshit. I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to kill someone for the simple fact that I can tell they have something like Coldplay, or Frou Frou playing on their Ipods. Fuck this, I'm done writing. Just wanted to let our thousands of fans know we are still alive. I love you all.