It Happens

My Grandmother died today.

It happens. It happened to me today.

Nothing more need be said. Grab a family member or a friend. A loved one. Hell... grab a complete stranger. Embrace them. Life is too short.

Sorry I can't be funny about this. Just don't feel like being a clown tonight.

Eugenia Melnikov. God hold her.

Hold us all.

-John

The Decline of Western Civilization Part One Million

No, I’m not going to insult the Jersey Shore. I watch the Jersey Shore. I like the Jersey Shore. I’ve made many foolish mistakes in my past, but this show broadcasts public displays of stupidity out to the public and it actually makes me feel better about myself. One of the foolish mistakes on the show is right on cast member Deena’s face. No, it’s not a herpe, although it may be a bedazzled herpe nonetheless. Yes, it’s that weird piercing the ladies of this era have, where a natural beauty mark would be. 

Cindy Crawford reluctantly has kept her trademark beauty mark, but weird fans have made her want to get rid of it, while Enrique Iglesias wisely removed what looked like a squashed bug from his cheekbone. The point is people don’t want/need shit on their face. Yet girls that don’t have a beauty mark pierce one on their face. I’ve seen and heard of piercing the ears, nose, breast, tongue, even clit, but face? I was at a college recruitment event and as the presenter speaking she turned to the side, the light hit her face at a certain angle and I noticed this same piercing. A professional recruiter?!? Her presentation still had about 15 minutes to go, but now the only presentation going on was in my mind, imagining how good and raunchy at sex she must be.

Fellas, ever been with a girl with a piercing in a “non-traditional” area? Three thoughts come to mind.

1. The sex is going to be great 
2. I’m definitely not bringing her home to the parents
3. I better use protection

It tends to play out this way every time too.

Once the back tattoo was officially classified as the “tramp stamp,” it became cliché for whorish girls to have. What better way to announce your sexuality rather than a weird piercing that makes absolutely no sense? I sought answers, so I went to a local Black Bear Saloon (a shitty bar/restaurant chain) to investigate. Within 16 seconds of being in that sweat hole, a shot girl approached me asking me if I’d like a gelatin drink that tastes shit, but thinks I should purchase because she’s been told she’s attractive her entire life. Now, stupidity, but ultimately guilt makes men purchase these drinks. If we don’t buy, the pretty girl might make a frowny face. This particular girl had a frowny disposition given her lot in life, so naturally she happened to have the face piercing. I asked her why she had it. She replied, “Five dollars.” I asked again, this time pointing to my face where her piercing was. She wiped her face, thinking something was on it (other than body glitter, tanning lotion and that cunty piercing) and replied, “Five dollars.” I’d bet hookers have better bedside manners, so I turned around bought my own shot at the bar and tried to black out what had just happened.   

Girls, we'll never notice nor give two shits about piercings. I never been erect due to noticing a piercing, but if you're going to pierce, stick to the ears or places we can't notice right off the bat. In terms of Deena's (or Black Bear shot girls') piercing, I'd adhere to Christian Bale's line in American Psycho, “Not in the face! Not the fucking face!!”