Books That Should Be Written, Vol. 2

Well, after weeks and weeks of reading sub-par books I've decided that I am going to compile another list of books that should be written. Without further ado...

1. Carrot Fucker ; The Katherine Hepburn Story.
We follow Kate's steps as she grew from a precocious spoiled little brat to a homely man-faced thespian. Also, we delve into my theory that she maintained her sanity on the set of "Suddenly Last Summer" by soothing her throbbing sexual urges with carrots, the popular phallic vegetable found in many salads. She then dies.

2. The Rainbow's Heart of Love
A biography on Adolph Hitler written by Al Sharpton, and in the voice and tone of Dr. Seuss' "Cat In The Hat." "Too cold to go out, to wet to play ball, so we sat in the Reichstag and did nothing at all... brothas and sistas."

3. Return Game
James is a retired CIA operative who is thrust into the world of underground slave trafficking. James has been down on his luck since he left the Agency, but now whether he likes it or not, he's going back undercover in a heroic attempt to save a young man's life. On his way to Mumbai to track down the little tyke, he loses interest completely and ends up blowing it hard over the weekend in London. Andy may be lost forever, but James will have stories to tell for years to come.

4. Watch Out!
A picture book of people doing everyday things, such as ; firing handguns at orphanages, masturbating with a wooden glove, old women picking fights with shadows, a cat shitting on the President's golf bag, two drunks dueling with dil-doh's, a Priest pimp smacking a ho, a toddler with "fuck off" tattooed on his forehead. Things like that.

5. Move Over Rover and Let Schlomo Take Over
Schlomo, the slow witted kosher butcher who has a love for rock music and checkers, decides to take his show on the road. He is mocked and beaten in every town he performs in until he hires, Reggie, the gruff old Irish dock worker to be his bodyguard / lover. Things get weird when Schlomo books a gig at a KKK rally, believing it to be the popular, " kool kosher kids " group he was thrown out of in his youth. After years of mediocre success, Schlomo challenges Matisyahu to a fight to the death, but Matisyahu is busy getting laid. Schlomo decides to kill himself, but Reggie has the gun and he's all the way across town so he grabs a burger instead.

6. Damage Report If You Please
A young girl is forced to come to grips with reality when she discovers that she beer she had been sipping had a cigarette in it.

7. Fudge
The dark, dismal story of Ebeneezer Fudge, the sexually retarded ice cream truck driver who gets his jolly's from peeing on hobo's in the night.



In the end none of these books will ever be written. That's why this country is going to hell.

Putting The "I" In Team

So I have made an attempt to join LinkedIn today (professional social networking for folks looking for employment contacts). It was an "attempt" because I realized I haven't received an award since the 8th grade (once I realized the system was bullshit) or been a part of a team deemed resume-worthy. I actually regretted this, but I don't really care anymore. I hate ass kissers and to be a "team player" in your bosses' eyes, that is what you have to do. I have a newer boss, I buck the system whenever I can. I work with others, but still maintain my individuality.

I know at some point someone is going to tell my nieces and nephew, "There is no "I" in team." I say maybe so, there is an "I" in Intelligence, Integrity, Independence and Individuality. I don't want to tell Facebook, LinkedIn and the like about my private life. After all, the best actors have maintained their individuality and privacy: Jack Nicholson, Edward Norton, Christopher Walken, Robert De Niro, you get the point. They aren't on Access Hollywood and The Insider, why should I be overexposed on "social networking?"

I say, avoid the hype that is teams. My circle of friends is getting smaller as I get older and that's how I like it. I'll only join a group if I must (union, silly Facebook group to shut someone up), but I don't care to participate.

Next time someone tells me that I'm not a team player, I'll just tell them how attentive I think they are. Are we playing fucking baseball here? Unless you want to be benched with the other unemployed “team losers” then get some hard facts behind your job. Chances are you hate your job (sometimes I do too), so be yourself and do it half ass. It's the American Way!

-JF

Things I Should Say To A Hooters Waitress

Did I just refer to them as waitresses? The term waitress is indicative of work and effort. I digress, ah The Hooters. One of the last bastions of politically incorrect forms of "guy-time." I won't go into a terrible diatribe bashing Hoots, I don't care enough, but I'll say this; the food and service is terrible. At the end of the day, it's still a place of dining. Maybe your PG-13 version of sex and stripper-like clubs, but still a place of business nonetheless. I have never gone for the food, it's terrible. To me, it gets my Spike TV loving, thrill-seeking douchebag friends a chance to look at scantily-clad women pour beer into a mug while staring at some cleavage. One thing I noticed about the service is that the girls seem to show pity and thus some inkling of a personality towards fat losers, cripples and white trash people that bring the entire family, including the kids. I don't fall into any of those categories, so most of the time, I am shit out of luck in the customer service realm. With that said, here is a short list of things I'd like to say to a Hooters server:

Do you fuck while while wearing the "uniform?"
Make the hand-quotes when you ask too, just so they get the point. Unless she has a great personality (which I seriously doubt) or is too hot for you to ask, I really see no point in dating a "server" without doing this. Who wouldn't want to drop those tiny orange shorts at least once in their lifetime? Hmmm, perhaps that's another restaurant altogether (tossing the name Cooters around), but I'll save that for another blog.

You're gorgeous! You must be a high-end working girl!
I've been told I have an eye for the ones that are banging local mayors.

Do you have a boyfriend? I bet he has never introduced you to his parents!
I wouldn't either.

Thank you for the bill, may I grab your tits?
Even though I am the one getting fucked with overpriced, shitty food, I still like to grab a girl's boobs during any halfway decent American sexual encounter.

Get me some eggs, will ya?
Hey, no deep-seed issues with this one, sometimes I just want some damn eggs from time to time. They're fuckin healthy for ya.

Fuck off.
Kids learn this early on; the good looking people win in life in the interim. Sorry Molly Ringwold, but its usually true. You're good looking, you get attention, so you can get away with lousy, insincere service and still get that great tip by the fat, crippled guy. Looks fade, the tits will get saggy, unless crippy boy get you that lift. Fuck off.

When it's all said and done, when my friends go to Hooters, I walk to the nearby Friendlys and get better food at a friendlier price, then meet up for a beer. I'll take a fat chick serving me good food while providing excellent customer service any day of the week over a miserable Hooters girl that is more focused on having her loser boyfriend in the 1998 Honda Civic with the bad rims pick her up so she can get a "Mani" or a "Pedi." Chances are the fat chick at Friendly's is better in the sack too, after all, she did provide better service, right? I'm just sayin...

-JF

CKY Carver City... A Review From a Fan

Ok so first off... yes I am a fan. As is Jon. CKY has played as the soundtrack to our lives from juniors in high school until now. I even went out and bought a Parker Nitefly when I was 20. Saw them twice and still have an autographed set list hanging on my wall. I wanna talk about Carver City, CKY's new opus.

First off, Jess Margera has come a long way as a drummer. His skill is maturing. Wonderful. Deron Miller knows this as well and is now using Margera's drumming as a focal point to his songs. The stutter steps of Margera's drumming are not beyond, but in a different (yet familiar realm) than the music. Miller is improvising his guitar riffs over Margera's new role as not only the time keeper and backbone of the band, but as the driving force. This leaves Miller's riffs a bit underdone and overdone with production as a result. Nevertheless the man can write a hook. Bass accompanies, and CIG just does what he's told. He's happy to be part of something and I'm afraid to say it... that is where his influence ends. Moving on..

Miller's lyrics and emotional drive have matured. From "96 Quite Bitter Beings," immortal line, " they've deleted all the tourists at the bottom of the lake"... to "Boardwalk Body"'s "all evidence was washed out by the tide"... we see a growth from horror infused lyrics to an emotional cry born out of personal, and maybe a bit too esoteric memories. Bottom line is... horror movies are fun and a great platform to rock a band, but to endure that horror, one must be made to eat away at the listener. Favorite song on the album by far. Mainly because I don't like listening to it... the harmonies and riffs are too into the emotion. Miller has done it. I don't want to look at the body, just as the character in the song doesn't, but cant turn away. I cant turn away from this song or this album.

Some of the effects in the song are a bit overdone. Am I listening to Owl City, or am I listening to CKY? Its overdone and un-needed in some places. The genius guitar riffs and accompanying bass lines stand alone and are more than enough. The drumming is almost too good for the album and it seems as if the band is over-compensating for the fact that they now have a drummer who can really bring it. Drums aren't the show... fuck Grateful Dead... I want to hear rock. Margera's artistic voice is lost in Miller's whimsy. But this doesn't bother me.... but it may down the line.

Miller's lyrics aren't comic book anymore. He's getting older, the band is getting older and so are their fans. Margera's drumming is becoming a force in the band. The overall message remains the same, yet the imagery is becoming darker and more thought provoking. Well... well done I guess. It'll never be the first album, and it comes close to as good as IDR. But, not yet.

In the end, Carver City is a really good album. It needs some tweeks... and it needs some eliminations. Long story short; CKY is growing on the back of Miller's songwriting, and it is now being allowed to do so with the advent of Margera's new found ability to be a jazz drummer in a metal band. I personally think their next album may be a masterpiece just as the first was. maybe not in the same boat, but definitely in the ocean... I just feel that the talent and new found ability need to mesh with the lyrics and message in a way where we can remember the first album. Those guys were as good as they were going to be at such a young age with lyrics to match. The lyrics have matured.. and so had the music... but I feel like those driving forces are running opposite of each other. Every once in a while they crash. And every once in a while they hit the same track and run together. Once Jess and Deron finally fall on the same track... I can only imagine it will be terrific. Or at least I can hope.

Recent News... And Why I don't Give a Shit

Ok well first off, I am sure you were well aware that I had to write something about Michael Jackson. So let me get this one out of the way...

1. The Death of Michael Jackson : Firstly, I have to disagree with my colleague Jon on this one. There is no possible way this man was the greatest entertainer of all time. Elvis may not have had the pop craze that Jacko enjoyed, but Elvis' music made black rock and roll acceptable to white audiences. He influenced generations of musicians and to put it quite simply, without Elvis you wouldn't have had MJ. So Elvis supersedes him in musical importance. As a showman, Sinatra reigns supreme. Number of hits, longevity of career, the way his voice is considered the soundtrack to a generation (and not a compartmentalized generation - all listening to different music to show their individualism) movies, and his overall influence on the people of a country trumps Jacko's resume by light years. That 0ut of the way, I have to say I felt bad that I didn't feel bad when he died. He was around when I was a kid obviously and I remember him. I also remember thinking he was odd and that his music sucked. That being said, "Off The Wall" is a terrific album. There is no denying the man was talented, but the cons outweigh the pros here. I would also like to point out to my African American readers (if I have any) that this man is not an ambassador for you or for your race. He hated being black so much that he bleached his skin. Loving this man because he was your color once, for a brief time back in the day doesn't make him an icon. Also... and I mean this ; I believe that if you hurt, touch, molest or do anything to a child after making them drink "Jesus juice", you should be executed with a bottle of rubbing alcohol and nail clippers. That wipes out everything... wrote some good songs, danced like a maniac, ended up a freakish punchline for all the world to enjoy? Good. Touched a kid? Burn in fucking Hell. End of story. I have no patience or sympathy for pedophiles. I say burn down Neverland Ranch and salt the ground... it's a weird place anyway.

2. Health care Reform : I'm Pretty Positive Obama Has No Idea What He's Doing Now
That's what I want folks... politicians making my medical decisions for me. Nationalized health care... that's where he wants to head with this. What a joke. I like how democrats just want to give absolutely everything away for free, at the expense of the middle class to the point where the lazier people (and from looking around that's about 80% of the country) won't have to do a Goddamn thing one day and will be able to live quite comfortably. Bullshit. If the government can't get anything right, and sure as hell can't organize and execute their chosen offices and departments... what makes you think they'll be able to pull this off? Nationalized health care is stupid for alot of different reasons, but the one that really scares me ; is the fact that now your personal business will be EVERYONE'S business. Now if you're walking down the street, you have a small stake in everyone elses lives as they pass. "Hey buddy, put out that cigarette, I'm paying for your health care" - "Hey fatty lose some weight, I'm paying for your healthcare" - "Hey slutso stop sucking that guy off, I'm paying for your health care." And so on. It also gives the government free reign to ban all sorts of things. Imagine lowering your health care tax, by eliminating cancer research... by banning smoking! Lovely. I don't bring this specific point up because I'm a smoker... smoking is bad for you, no doubt about it, but this is a free fucking country that I am taxed to live in and at one time could have been drafted to go and die for. If I want to smoke, I am going to smoke. I am going to smoke, I am going to drink, I am going to go on roller coasters and go swimming and eat red meat and have sex with questionable women and here's the thing... if any of those activities that I participated in cause me to become ill or injured... I'll pay for it myself. I will not ask you to pay for it for me, nor will I expect you to. I am really starting to worry about the future of this country.

3. North Korea / Iran : One sick fuck wants missiles, ones got em. These two deranged assholes should get a timeshare together somewhere and let it be filmed. I know how to fix these problems people... ready? Drop a ton of porno, Budweiser, Jameson, Thomas Paine's Common Sense, Xbox's and Maxim Magazines by the ton into those countries. Let the youth see what they're missing and then when they get older they'll want it all the time. Iranian women are butt ugly from what I've seen and Korean women ain't much better (any attractive Iranian or Korean women who wish to prove me wrong can contact me through this blog and then come to my house and prove their beauty by blowing me) so I think American porn is just what the doctor ordered. I bet if we could convince Megan Fox to bang Kim Jong Ill (spelling?) and Ahmadinejadawhoositzmegalomaniacaljerkoff... there will be no more problems in either region. If that doesn't work I say we just let them do their thing. Take the leash off of Israel and let them turn Iran into a parking lot, and North Korea? Well I guess we're just gonna have to wipe you off the face of the planet and in your place build water slides and the like. That would be fucking awesome... a country completely made up of water slides. We could call it "Waterworld" and it wouldn't be half as confusing or aggravating as Kevin Costner's water opus.


So in the end, the country is on the brink of collapsing under our rookie President's best intentions, the North Koreans are threatening to wipe us off the map, the Iranians are being beaten and killed in the streets by the government because they are exercising their divine right to free speech, and all over the news... we are mourning the loss of a little boy touching punchline, a woman who made a career out of showing her nips through a shirt on a poster in the late seventies, and a guy who sold detergents on television. And you wonder why I'm so angry?

Dead Up, Yo: A Blog For The Morbidly Deceased

Good Mourning, friends and well-wishers! Seeing all of my friends, peers and local laughingstocks tweet and Facebook stati (there's got to be a verb for the word status), everyone's got an uber "important" opinion on the recent slate of deaths. Since my words are not limited to 140 characters, here are some quick thoughts that I like to call, This Week In Celebrity Deaths:

Let's start in chronological order:

Ed McMahon - June 23, 2009
My dad told me about this one right as I was, as usual, running late to work. I grumbled, "Ah, no surprise." Harsh, yes, but Ed was old and lived a full life and career. One of the last times I saw him was briefly on some lousy Family Feud primetime special. The only reason I stopped at the channel was because I thought, "Shit, Ed McMahon looks bad." An 85 year old guy in a neck brace kind of drooling is not a sight for primetime television. It nearly broke my HD tuner. I pitied Ed till I found out how much back taxes he owed. Not even all those years on the Tonight Show, then Publisher's Clearing House and The Feud could save old Ed. Baby Boomers insist that the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson was great, I'm sure it was, but I was too young to care. I'm sure many, many (I hope) years from now when I tell my kid what a great man Andy Richter was, he or she or he-she won't care much either. I never did win that Publisher's Clearing House and met Ed McMahon or Dick Clark. R.I.P. Ed. Keep on truckin' Dick.


Farrah Fawchett - June 25, 2009
Another unsurprising one. A long battle with anal cancer, a fate best reserved for a person of Hitler-like proportions. I really don't have much to say on this one, I'm miffed that people I know that weren't even alive when Charlie's Angels was on the air, call her an 80's icon. Angels was canceled in 1980 and after that it was pretty much a supporting role in Cannonball Run....and a poster a LOT of young boys became men to (you know, slapping hand) in the 70's. In fact, it is the best selling pin-up poster of all time, selling 12 million copies. No other women could pose effortlessly seductive in 33 years??? A tribute to her hotness, although I never personally spanked it to that poster (and I'm NOT going to start now). Ryan O' Neal had plans to rewed Farrah when she was on her deathbed. Romantic? I guess, but then again there are some that see Natural Born Killers as a fantastic romantic romp. Expect Ryan O' Neal in some sort of TMZ-related mess in the near future.

Michael Jackson - June 25, 2009
A blog in itself. My personal focus group, which is social networking, has created two camps. One, which is he was a molester, fuck him. Two is he was the King of Pop, he entertained me. Truth be told, I was a big fan as a kid. I wore the one glove and danced around to his music. My mom even bought me a toy microphone, but I grew out of it. The problem with Michael, is that he never grew out of childhood. He was the ultimate Man-Child. Pedophilia is a terrible and frightening crime....yet I fall into the second camp that chooses to remember his wealth of music and entertainment value. Oh well to those kids and fuck their greedy parents too. MJ was the greatest showman of all time (fuck Elvis, a watered down "safe" choice for lame whites). Jacko didn't molest me and was a great entertainer. The bad is equal with the good, but the good says he was the greatest all around showman ever.

Billy Mays - June 28, 2009
While all of my peers posted about everyone else, I was among the first to post this one (I even included a picture in case you didn't know). Out of the other 3, why was this the only death I commented on publicly? Simply put, he was the only relevant one. The others were past their primes (even MJ, too much to comeback from), but Billy was a multi-millionaire (that means not in serious debt like Ed or Michael) and arguably the greatest pitchman of all time. He hocks cheesy titled products, but he also gave new inventors an opportunity to live their dreams. If you can sell a boatload of products this country doesn't really need, you are a success in my book. Boisterously hawking products to unsuspecting consumers on all hours of the day...maybe this is the American Dream these days? Billy did it better than them all and I look forward to Pitchmen on the Discovery Channel every week. The least famous, but most relevant will be missed.

It is sad to see people that we may have seen on our television screens through the years pass on, but to my peers with opinions, I didn't hear half as much talk when thousands died during Hurricane Katrina. Sorry they were not entertainers, pedophiles (as far as we know), talk show sidekicks, TV sluts and pitchmen. Get your GED, make your one comment and move the fuck on. Michael Jackson doesn't care what you think about him anymore now than when he was alive. It's over folks. Let's just hope the list of people celebrities and otherwise drying can stay low. R.I.P. to the deceased and a "Keep On Truckin'" to the rest.

-JF

Fuck Hope

It's a strong title, but since this blog is a free-flowing one-sided conversation that regularly deals with mature subjects, I say on this Father's Day 2009, fuck hope. I also realize that my comrade Johnnyboy has dated a girl named Hope (better than a boy named Sue I suppose), I am not bashing her by any means Johnboy. I am bashing the idea of hope; perhaps what some feel is the "American Dream."

Why no hope? Well, honestly there is not all that much I believe in. Working hard certainly hasn't benefited the middle-class. Fuck, I did it. I usually refuse to associate myself with these lame affiliations we have been believed to hold sacred. I love many of the people I have met through the years, but I loathe that of which the associate themselves with mostly. I'd rather not be involved, cause a disagreement, war or something. I am particularly sick of political and social entertainers that always feel they have something important to say. I don't care for Jon Stewart and Steven Colbert (although I enjoy Bill Mahr's diverse forum from time to time). Political comedians seem to feel that things were once much better and with an ounce of effort, things could be much better and the way they were, you know the "good old days." Sure, I think they are talented and funny at what they do, but it gets tiring and they come off like catty girl scouts linked with wishful outcome and solution. It's bullshit.

George Carlin once said, "If you think there's a solution, then you are part of the problem." Amen, George. I concern myself with my own world. My friends, my family, women worthy of penetration and making money for selfish reasons (alcohol-fueled fun on the weekends, movies and "getting by" mostly). By not being emotionally attached to the outside world, my life has been much easier. Nothing I do is going to change the world for the better. I am not running for office, thus I have no reason to care.

Sure, I believe in a few things. I believe in limited happiness (mostly confined to orgasms, hearty laughter, chocolate chip cookies, alcohol & friends, but not necessarily altogether), some type of karmic God and love (along with mounds and mounds of toleration). Is this blog gloom and doom? No, I am a personal optimist. If I were a real cynic, I'd tell you everything is "gunna be alright." I'd bullshit you, but I don't do that, so fuck hope.

Since I started off mentioned Father's Day, it would only be proper to finish off by saying Happy Father's Day to my dad, Johnnyboy's dad, all the good dads out there and even the moms who do double duty thanks to deadbeat dad situations. Fuck those guys. Also, a small "fuck you" to the moms that picked out a real winner of a dad (a jail cornholder with a drug/drinking/murder problem) and put kids they weren't ready to have in a shitty situation. Thoughtless cunts. Anyway, Happy (good) Father's Day!!!

Things.... That I Fuckin Hate

Ok so lists are a gimme now on this blog... but they work well and people seem to like them. Plus they're easy to write... so here goes yet another.

1. People Who Don't Text Back : I saw recently that there was a whole facebook group dedicated to this. Well fuck you guys too, I'm writing a whole paragraph on it. How lazy, or inconsiderate can you be? It takes about 30 seconds to write a text message. "Yo dude, you goin out tonight?"..... three hours pass by..... well either your friend isn't going out, theyre in jail, they're going out, but its with a girl you used to date, or their just lazy pieces of camelshit. How hard is it to use your thumbs to say, "No man sorry, call you soon"? It's tantamount to calling someone, they pick up and you say hello - and they don't answer. They just stay on the phone and breathe. Great, thank you. To all you soulless bastards and bitches who don't have the common decency to text back... I hope you are killed by a giant thumb.

2. Guys Who Always Want To Leave A Bar For A Different Bar : These are the guys who never get laid. There's no action here. The drinks are warm. This place sucks. I hate that guy. That bartender stiffed me. My ex girlfriend hangs out here. I've never met a girl here. I hate the music. It's too loud in here. Wait a minute.... that's actually me. Nevermind, you guys are awesome. Kings among men, and dick sizes that rival the Empire State Building in vertical splendor. God bless and keep you.

3. Girls Who Make Kissy Faces In Pictures : Awesome you can purse your lips! Congratulations, you have the same facial ability as Steven Hawking. What are you trying to say? That you have the ability to kiss? Excellent so does everyone. Are you blowing a kiss to whomever may be looking at your picture? Wonderful, so you're willing to kiss about a million people (if you post it on Fbook or Myspace). Well done, you're a whore. How about a nice smile? That always works. When was the last time a photographer said, "ok in three, two ... look like a guppie!:? It never happened and it never will.

4. Girls Who Religiously Get Pedicures : Sweet, your toenails are pink but your feet still smell like exactly what they are...a utilitarian appendage that sweats and not only sweats, but sweats in something as constricting as a sock. My favorite is the girl who goes out of her way to show them off. "I got my feet done today, aren't they pretty?" No they're not... they are deformed hands that sit at the bottom of a bulky arm that you have to shave. The worst are the ones who get little flowers, or designs on them. Do you think we can tell if your pedicure has a lotus blossom on it from where we stand?? At most it looks like someone fucked up your pedicure and you have a paint splotch on them... and you were too lazy to fix it. Here's and idea girls.. take that foot... and put it in a fucking shoe. I don't want to see your horny old toes.

5. People Who Like The Song, "Sweet Caroline" : Good times have never ever been near people who sing along to this song. Touching hands... touching you... killing myself with a gallon of canola oil. You will hear this song alot at the end of a night in college bars. People are so drunk that the chorus is easy enough that all you have to sing is, "oh oh oh." Rhodes scholars, the lot of you. You know what the best thing about Neil Diamond is? It's that he's 68, and has lived the life of a pop-star so he may die soon.

6. Guys Who Think Cologne Will Hide The Fact That They Didn't Shower That Day : Nothing like the sickly sweet smell of B.O. mixed with Cool Water to send a girl over the top with lust. They mine as well carry around a bag of horseshit with a Yankee Candle lit in the middle of it. Listen pal, we get it... you're lazy. I don't care, no one does... so stay at home, or take the 8 minutes it takes to shower out of your crowded schedule of masturbating and watching Antiques Roadshow and stop stinking up my night. Cool Water is pretty awesome though.

7. The Word, "Nigger" : Black men and women... what the hell are you thinking? Why would you EVER refer to anyone with a term that was used to humiliate and de-humanize your entire race? White guys, who because they have black friends think that they can get away with saying it are the worst. What a crock of shit. Try these words instead... bro, pal, dude, buddy, man, sister, brother, guy, chief, slick... etc...

I know I always say, "more to come"... but I will post more soon. Just very angry tonight.

The 80's

Such an ambiguous title you may say. Where is he going with this? This post is going to upset my colleague Jondrama as he is a lover of the 80's... but man... the 80's sucked. OK OK OK, before you lose it... there were certain things in the 80's that didn't completely blow, but they were few and far between. Here goes yet another list. Things that sucked :



1. The style. Nothing like ridiculously big hair on girls or tight stone washed jeans with white high top sneakers. Face it, if you were walking down the street and saw someone with a mullet, or with big thick hair, wearing a white tee-shirt, black suspenders and jeans so white they mine as well just be painters paints, tucked up almost to the belly button, and a pair of white Reebok's at the bottom of this lovely ensemble, what would you say? I'll tell you what you'd say... "Oh my God, I hope the retard isn't the drooling type." And then you'd probably cross to the other side of the street. Be sure, there were some pretty gorgeous women who made it big in the 80's, but lets face it... if you're beautiful, you're beautiful. If you're somewhat decent looking, wearing clothes from the 80's will do nothing but hinder your attempt to get laid.



2. The Music. It's a punchline now. For all the good bands that found their way in the 80's i.e. U2, Tears for Fears, etc... there was a plethora of dog shit. There hasn't been a decade so vacant of musical quality since the year 50 A.D. When all you were able to listen to would have been the sound of lepers dying of sunstroke, with the back beat of rampant coughing from cholera outbreaks. It was that bad people. There are a few songs from the 80's that I'll sing along too whether it is alone in my car, or with my friends on a Friday night after a couple... but that's where the music ends. There is no lasting value and for that I guess we can be lucky.


3. Movies. Name one excellent movie from the 1980's and I'll name 5 that to this day make me fume over with anger. There are a few iconic movies from the 80's, and they're iconic for all the wrong reasons. The Breakfast Club - I wanted every kid in that library to die. The Big Chill - I wanted everyone in that house to die. Rain Man - I wanted everyone in that casino to die. Top Gun - I wanted everyone in that plane to die, and got lucky by getting to watch one crap out. Back To The Future - I wanted everyone in 1955 to die. I don't think I need to go on.

4. Television. Give me a fucking break... the Facts of Life - here's a fact, you're all a bunch of homely lesbians. Charles In Charge - of what, sucking dick... because if that's the case, you'll get no argument here. The Cosby Show - how many uncles and grandfathers did these kids have for fuck's sake? Major Dad - thank God for the first Gulf War because there was a chance the Major would be court martialed for trying to sell secrets to the Iraqis. Mr. Belvedere - nothing like a pretentious Brit flit around the t.v. for a half hour. Roseanne - look they're poor white trash! huh hulk, I's can sure relate! Night Court - forget it.

So there's just a short list of some of the reasons why the decade just sucked flat. From the awful pop culture to that lovely cocaine/crack explosion, it was unbelievably sub-par. You wanna know what the strange thing is though? After all that, the 80's have a soft spot in my heart, and also... it's been downhill ever since.

Johnstradamus : I Got Your End of the World, Right Here!

I have been reading about this 12/12/12 crap for a while. Apparently the world is supposed to end, because the sun will be in line with the center of the Milky Way. Here's the thing folks.... GOOD! For it was spoken to me, Johnstradamus on this very night, 3/3/09, that I have; if thou most humble readers pleasest... the spoken word of the time keeper of the universe. A recounting of the revelation in the most humble prose:

Angel of Time : BEHOLD, for I am the angel of time... Roger.

Me: Roger?

Roger : Oh fuck yeah.

Me: Well... Roger.. what word from the sands of infinite future do you have for us?

Roger: Ok first off... forget this 12/12/12 B.S. It's gonna happen when the Earth crashes into some gay-ass meteor and everyone and everything is gonna be like.. "whooooooaaaa holy shit this is so fucked up!"

Me: When might that be Rog?

Roger: My name is Roger dipshit.

Me: Sorry dude.

Roger: Whatever, you're so fucked, and you have no idea. You humans have labored under the assumption that you have knowledge that goes far beyond that of God's. You have been "building" this world... and you're still working at it.

Me: But Roger, it's gonna be pretty ok, and it's gonna look pret... (Roger interrupts)

Roger: It's gonna look like shit bro!!

Me: I'm sorry?

Roger: Me too dude. Do you have any soda, or like seltzer? I don't want beer. I'll even take milk.

Me: I might have some root beer.

Roger: Oh fucking great, I can't wait until you all die.

Me: Alright ROGER... tell me something about the apocolypse... something that I can at least tell my friends.

Roger: Fine Johnstradamus... the heavens have collided and from Deidre'sbosom and her cool tears I am arrived. Here is the prophecy of the end of time. "You are so doomed. All of you. The environment? There's a whole galaxy out there you egotistical butt rangers. Ok, so, your world is what concerns you... You know what concerns us, up in heavean? The fact that you've bestowed coronation ceremonies on Donal Trump, Bill Maher, Anne Coulter and Stevie Ray Vaughan.

Me: But Stevie was ... (interrupted by a smack from Roger)

Roger: Stevie was what? A lame dirtdink who could cover Little Wing... woahhh boy... I could do that right now.

Me: No you couldn't.

Roger: Whatever can I fucking finish? Ok so yeah, you're all screwed. Time... which you made, will most definitely one day end. It wont be because of anything you did you egotistical assholes... It'll end because we said so. Get over yourselves and Dane Cook is the Antichrist.

I woke up hours later with the stale taste of cigarettes and whiskey in my mouth. I thought it was all a dream... until I picked up Word Up magazine and saw a picture of Biggie and Iggy Pop drinking piss out of an upturned tambourine. The end is time... not the other way around.