Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Kids Are Assholes

As a full grown human adult, I realize one thing: I can be, at times and generally, an asshole. Some say its my most negative and some (especially my comrades here) think its so negative, it’s almost a positive trait. Whether it’s “borrowing” a DVD I don’t intend on ever giving back to an aquaintance, photochopping a friend in an unflattering light, avoiding or pretending I didn’t see someone in public from high school, work, or from my not that distant past (oh yeah, I saw you), I am an asshole. Hell, we are a society based on assholes. We’ve all purposefully ate the last slice without asking, parked where we weren’t supposed to, not picked up the phone for someone that doesn’t know what a loser they are, “called out sick,” threatened harsh acts of death towards fellow drivers, or just plain killed a guy. Some of our most successful public figures are assholes (Donald Trump, Gene Simmons, most U.S. Presidents, etc.). I could go on and on, but I am here to talk about a whole other society of assholes that oft times go well overlooked: children.

Children are assholes. Sure, when they are born they come out of one hole, but they act like the other in turn. Ever wonder why people say, “Don’t act like a baby.” Simply stated, you are acting like a first class, Grade-A, Glenn Guilia asshole. I’m not bashing kids, I love my nieces and nephew. I think they are awesome, but like any decently flawed human being, they do act accordingly. Crying to get your way, pandering for the newest toys, dominating the television, wearing your shoes on the wrong foot, watching the same DVD over AND OVER again, and knowingly taking what’s not yours, I even know some people my age that still act that way. I have to admire it in a way. If life was hockey, children would be goons. Yet, why aren’t children brought to justice and called out on these flaws? Well, some are grounded and some get a “time out” (mostly by pussy white parents that need to go back to “Caucasia” forever), but we forgive children because they are young, unknowledgeable, immature and don’t know any better, like your typical Mets fan. If you knew, sooner or later, that you would have to grow up, wouldn’t you really milk acting however you want? Bear in mind that there are many adults who act this way and, of course, the mentally challenged are excused. However, should you read this and still do any of these acts of childhoody, you may in fact be mentally challenged. If so, ask your folks what the deal is or if they are too busy drooling and laughing at a pink bouncy ball (or watching According To Jim on syndication), please see a doctor. With that said, I am majestically segwaying into another list. Why majestically? Because I myself am a royal asshole. Anyway, here’s a short list of things children do to make themselves Lil Denis Learies…

Pee wherever you want (while sober) – I miss this one, especially in the tub. Nothing like waking up, taking a shower to clean off the grime of hours elasped, and getting rid of some excess urine in the process (sorry, ladies). Taking a piss naked is great (I am man, hear me roar…and drip). Somewhere down the line, I knew that my parents standing on my old urine (soap can’t rid everything) was wrong and stopped (regardless of pipes leading to one place, Costanza). I think when I was an infant and fully potty-trained I remember knowingly pissing myself one last time, thinking, “Mom, will make the arrangements.” That, my friends, is the work of a true asshole. Great work, pissy pants.

Spill something and NOT pick it up – This was awesome. There is nothing funnier and scarier than a really little kid trying to pour a 2 liter or gallon container into a tiny cup or glass. Best and worst case scenario, the glass is missed, the beverage container is dropped, spilled, and the glass is shattered. It really sucks if you are the adult and have to clean it up and naturally you would be peterbed. This leads to anger at the child. If you are a smart child, you cry, the parent feels sorry, and said child gets the beverage and didn’t have to clean up anything. Nice play, bucktooth.

Eating “stuff” – Stuff isn’t limited to food, either. How do you think we know that grass, ear wax, boogers, and Legos tasted bad (alright this blog is turning into the Freddy Got Fingered script). “Excuse me waiter, I’ll have the dandelion, mashed french fries sprinkled with your finest boogers and for desert I’ll have some ear wax along with the Lego. You know, the ones small enough to get lodged in my throat, so I may possibly die, sir.” Excellent choice. Way to live on the edge, Bingo. Moving on…

Wear whatever you want (while being deemed a “normal”) - I once went out of the house to play in a cartoon-Magic Johnson sweatshirt, cheap neon sunglasses, red jean shorts, yellow Hulk Hogan wristbands, purple Donatello TMNT kneepads, cheap neon green and blue sneakers from Bob’s, a cape and a tophat (yes, I had one back then too). I was the Teenage Mutant Hogan Johnson Magician Turtle Retard (I don’t feel tardy). My brother concurred to say the least. Way to dress, Palooka.

Wear flip-flops everywhere and not be an asshole – As a kid I wore my fair share of cartoon-themed sandals. To me it’s a beach and kid thing. But from stoners with “Jesus” sandals to women wearing them out at night, flip-flops are everywhere. I am writing this at work as we speak (a professional office job) and I hear that unmistakable flip-flop sound…and it gives me a friggin tumor (actually, it’s not a tuma). Flippity-floppity, open-toed whores. It annoys me, you ain’t at the beach sweetpants and unless you’re a kid, don’t do it. Be a fuckin pro, dollface.

If you are a kid and are smart enough to read this, keep it up, your cuteness will die sooner than you think. A Long Island drunk once said, these are the times to remember, so do just that. P.S. – if you are an ugly kid: beware. The tables will drastically turn. As Americans, we feel sorry for ugly kids, but in adulthood, you’ll get what coming to you, you ugly stupid kid. Until next time, learn to love it, learn to live with it, diamonds are forever, but your youth ain’t, you little shits.

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