Sunday, September 25, 2011

Fuck It: A 2011 Bucket List

Everyone wants to get rich, go skydiving or share an intimate last moment with a significant other before they die. My goals are a little different than most, so with that said, here is my own bucket list of things I want to do before I die.

  • Walk into a hot girl’s house and start playing the beginning to Van Halen’s Right Now. After finding out that the girl has no frame of reference because she is hot and thus unimpressed with my piano playing, I flip the piano over and set it ablaze.
  • Recant a story to my children about running over a bunch gang bangers that attempted to mug me with my car. When my pussy son asks if any of them died, I reply, “Don’t know. Never turned back to look.” Then I put a cigarette out on my tongue.
  • Break an iPad in half over my knee like a baseball bat.
  • Give someone a VCR as a Christmas present.
  • Pull off my father’s mustache and yell, “A-ha!!” He later tells me I’m adopted and disowns me.
  • Jump into a public swimming pool with a knife between teeth.
  • Take a girl out to a smoky jazz club, whisper something to the doorman that gets a chuckle out of him and gets us in for free. When the girl asks what I said, I look at her like she’s crazy.
  • Fend off a large Samoan with a tiki torch.
  • Get rich and famous enough to tell my current Facebook friends to go fuck themselves.
  • When a girl refuses to kiss me due to a scruffy 5 o’clock shadow, I pull out a bowie knife and shave in front of her. We make love for several hours afterwards.  
In the end, I'm probably just going to take a last breath, crap my pants and be buried in my suit that I wore for my Confirmation when I was 15, so I might as well enjoy life before my body says, "fuck it."


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