Sunday, September 25, 2011

Fuck It: A 2011 Bucket List

Everyone wants to get rich, go skydiving or share an intimate last moment with a significant other before they die. My goals are a little different than most, so with that said, here is my own bucket list of things I want to do before I die.

  • Walk into a hot girl’s house and start playing the beginning to Van Halen’s Right Now. After finding out that the girl has no frame of reference because she is hot and thus unimpressed with my piano playing, I flip the piano over and set it ablaze.
  • Recant a story to my children about running over a bunch gang bangers that attempted to mug me with my car. When my pussy son asks if any of them died, I reply, “Don’t know. Never turned back to look.” Then I put a cigarette out on my tongue.
  • Break an iPad in half over my knee like a baseball bat.
  • Give someone a VCR as a Christmas present.
  • Pull off my father’s mustache and yell, “A-ha!!” He later tells me I’m adopted and disowns me.
  • Jump into a public swimming pool with a knife between teeth.
  • Take a girl out to a smoky jazz club, whisper something to the doorman that gets a chuckle out of him and gets us in for free. When the girl asks what I said, I look at her like she’s crazy.
  • Fend off a large Samoan with a tiki torch.
  • Get rich and famous enough to tell my current Facebook friends to go fuck themselves.
  • When a girl refuses to kiss me due to a scruffy 5 o’clock shadow, I pull out a bowie knife and shave in front of her. We make love for several hours afterwards.  
In the end, I'm probably just going to take a last breath, crap my pants and be buried in my suit that I wore for my Confirmation when I was 15, so I might as well enjoy life before my body says, "fuck it."


Monday, September 12, 2011

Books That Should be Written Vol. 3

Hey people. How are you? I don't care. Last night I posted something quite serious about, 9/11. To offset the somber note I left this blog on, I shall honor you with more books that I think should be written. Read, become inspired, and then don't bother me.

1. SHIT!
Shit follows the story of the darkest day in this blogger's life. The day I was coming home from breakfast and shit my pants instead of the innocent fart which I had anticipated. A story of pain, it is only a few pages long and ends with me getting my front seat steam cleaned.

2. Winds of Time
An ancient mariner, Morty, returns to his mystical land to find that nothing is as it seems. His wife is nowhere to be found, his children are missing and the council of elders' chamber is empty. After a pretty slow moving three days, Morty the mariner stumbles upon some bullshit dog and pony show about the end of the world and realizes his kids and all the rest of 'em have taken off on a long hike to find a gold fleece or something. Morty gets tanked and takes a nap.

3. De-fence
A scrappy, rough-and-tumble football team made up of inner city youths finds itself thrust into the limelight when their coach finds out he has, cancer, AIDS, Diabeetus and Crabs all at the same time. This inspires the little team of minorities to come together and play some serious Gatdamn football. They reach the national championship where to their horror, the coach finds out all of his diseases are gone. With nothing to play for they end up robbing the other teams.

4. Lets Get the Lead Out
A pencil company exec has to face reality after his pencils end up in the hands of stupid kids. He must come to grips with the fact that lead is much more than just a writing instrument, it is also a Zeppelin. He spends the rest of his days stalking Pete Townshend who to his bemusement, is almost enjoying the stalking until he realizes that Townshend was in, "The Who." He then shoots himself.

5. Just This Once, Phil
Badger Whackstick is a new father. He is terrified and wants to do a good job. He absolutely obsesses over his baby son. Nothing but the best for Badger's boy. The words, "Just This Once, Phil" will however, forever haunt Badger after a night of drinking where his overweight, dipshit of a friend Phil swears that he can juggle a rabid possum and a baby at the same time.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Were you there? 9/11 Tribute

As a Christian, I have heard the hymn, "Were You There" many times. It is usually sung during the Veneration of the Cross on Good Friday service in my Parish. I am sure, many of you have heard it. It is haunting and solemn. The way it should be. Recently, however, I have listened to the lyrics and paid closer attention. So, on this ten year anniversary of the most horrific attack on our American soil, I ask the Lord; were you there?

Were you there, when the planes were hijacked? When the innocent faces of the passengers turned from the dull gaze of a plane trip to the terrified stares of a confused people?

Were you there when the first tower was hit? Did you feel the anguish of the lives that ended too suddenly?

Were you there when the second tower was hit? Did you feel the anguish of yet another group of people who's lives ended before their time should have been up?

Were you there in Pennsylvania and Washington when the planes took more lives? Were you there when the United States of America was brought to its knees by the misguided hatred of those who swore to serve your mission on Earth? A mission that humans manufactured in order to serve a purpose born of hate.

Were you there when the towers collapsed and buried their sons and daughter under tons of debris?

Did you hear the prayers of those who jumped from such a great height?

Did you hear the prayers of the families left behind who begged you to let their wives, husbands, daughters, sons, aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews, friends, co-workers, live?

Were you there when the terrorists screamed your name in invocation of the murder of thousands?

Are you present in the tears of the families who will never see their loved ones again?

Were you there when we cried and begged you to make it stop?

Are you here now?

Does our pain still ring in your Spirit?

Do you feel us when we give up on you?

Do you try to bring us back to you?

Are you listening?

Do you know why I feel it is alright to be angry with you sometimes?

Because I know that you will always forgive me.



It causes me to tremble.