Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Motherboy: Television For Women

Sometimes the things I hate are byproducts of things I love. Case in point: I LOVE the series Arrested Development and regard it as one of the best shows ever produced. I HATE the fact that it was cancelled.
The legacy lives, however, as the Motherboy (a dinner dance aimed at promoting mother/son bonding) episode is being slightly reproduced by the twisted bastards at Lifetime (television for women). They are pimping out a new show, Your Mama Can’t Dance. The Motherboy concept, albeit twisted, lives on. In this reality series, some of America's hottest dancers auditioned for a chance to be a part of a new dance rivalry show under the fictitious name Dance Nation (they had to be tricked, let’s face it), but they had no idea that they would be getting screwed over majestically. They soon discovered that they'd be working with a partner and that their partner would be one of their parents and/or guardians! Now, five female dancers will be fox-trotting with their fathers (Fathergirl doesn’t sound as good) while five male dancers will be doing the mambo with their mothers as they vie for praise from the judges (yes that is directly from the Lifetime site, I had to leave it in).

So who are the judges you dare ask? They are the inevitable who’s who of shit-stains on Hollywood's Walk of Fame. First there’s Chris Judd, who’s bio on the Lifetime website (internet for women) mentions nothing of his failed marriage to J-Lo, his most famous work ever (if he knocked her up, he’d be sitting pretty like K-Fed). Then there’s Vitamin C, yes the Graduation (Friends Forever) songstress bitch, who made every girl and gay dude cry in the 2000 graduating class and I’m sure today’s classes have to painstakingly have to deal with that same garbage every summer. Then there’s the biggest goon of them all, Ben Vereen. Mister Vereen is widely regarded as a legendary actor and is probably a very credible judge…so I hear. To me he is nothing more than an asshole. Remember that episode of the Fresh Prince where Will’s dad (Ben Vereen) actually visits?? Things are going just swell (aside from the disappointment that Mr. Smith was a short, borderline homeless looking man). So much like Uncle Phil predicted, Papa Smith ditches Will…and I wish Uncle Phil whipped ass that day (yes that’s all I know Benjamin Vereen from, what’s it to ya?). Back to Motherdance, so the whole thing’s host by Steve Sanders himself, 90210’s Ian Ziering (so Mario Lopez is THAT busy these days I guess). So Captain Ziering uses whatever charm he stole from Luke Perry and Jason Priestley, while the producers worry if Ben Vereen will make up another lame excuse and bail on the show like he did Will. Oh, yeah and a bunch of kids get tricked into dancing with the parents much to Lifetime viewers’ pleasure. Well, all I know is this Friday, I’m watching some freestyle waltzing, boy’s choice! Ah, I digress, now if you want to see kids and adults interact in creepy and hilarious fashion, stick with Dateline: To Catch a Predator, thank you.

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