Sunday, March 16, 2008

Things I wish I could do... and Will Probably Try

Alright so Ive gotten some positive feedback from my list of away messages posts and I'm told that people ... "like lists". That's a direct quote, from myself. I like lists and I'm a people. So here's another one. The 5 things I would like to do before I die.

5. Get a blowjob while eating a cheesesteak
Honestly, think about how fucking unreal that would be. Even better if you could time your last bite to coincide with your orgasm. There is really no way to pull this one off though, I mean think about it, how would that conversation go... "honey Id really love a blowjob, I had such a bad day and I'm so stressed out, you can make it an early Christmas present to me... oh and while you do it I'm going to eat a loose meat sandwich, you know... to save time." Not going to work. I suppose you could hide the sandwich until she starts sucking you off but theoretically its a logistical nightmare. The smell of the sandwich would definitely tip her off and then you'd probably have to share it with her and that defeats the purpose of the cheesesteak blow. The prospect of dropping hot onions and mushrooms on her head while shes knobbing me is actually making me horny.. and hungry. Lets move on.

4. Buy a hobo a tuxedo
For no real reason. I think that if I bought a hobo a tux, I would feel fulfilled. Think about it, if you see some bum rustling through the garbage with a bindle and a scraggly beard with a squirrel living in it you get depressed, angry, murderous, horny... I don't know, but you don't feel good. Now imagine that same bum... in a tux, BAM James Bond. The bum may be able to parlay his new duds into some sort of job, or money making enterprise... and then you would that something you did for someone changed their life for the better. The bum would also feel better about himself and become an idol for all the other 'gentleman of the street' or as I like to call them, 'knights of the sacred order of sleeping in shit'. Its a humanitarians wet dream.

3. Open a school and name it, Its Never Going to Get any Better Academy
I'm sick of generation after generation of kids getting their hopes up to be ultimately disappointed in the end. Remember when you were a little kid and you started grammar school? Alright it sucked not being able to play Nintendo... or Sega (if you were one of those pretentious little bastards) but all in all it was pretty fucking tits. Snack time, recess, lunch, taking a piss and then going home. That's really all it was. So I'm sure many of you, like myself thought it was just going to get better as the grades wore on. Well it fucking doesn't and we all found out the hard way. I would do away with "kindergarten" in my school... and start off by telling the students... "you're all going to be stuck in this building for the next nine years respectively. Then you will go to another depressing building and listen to things you don't care about for four years, and you'll get to do it while your body goes through terrifying, disgusting changes, sorta like swampthing. Then after that you'll go to a bigger building and it will be alot of fun for four years, then after that you will sit at another desk until the day you die. So take this year and play like you will never play again, because honestly boys and girls... that's pretty much whats going to be the case." Then when 1st grade rolled around Id start whomping ass.

2. Have anal sex with the queen of England
Someone once told me that to be the President of the United States would be great, but being a king or queen would be even better. Well, they were right. But even better than that... would be fucking the queen in her ass. As an American, I really don't care either way about the Brits, but as an Irish guy, I fucking hate them. Alright shes crusty and old and it would be like having sex with a box of raisins but lets be honest here, it would be worth it. Every job interview would be so fucking cool... "I know I am grossly unqualified for this job, I am also aware that I'm not wearing pants right now or to make up for that fact, a clean shirt, but what you don't know is that Ive had my dick in the queen of England, and that alone makes me more successful than anyone you are going to interview today." Holy shit that would be so cool.

1. Adopt a kid and raise him to be a complete asshole
I'm ripe with problems, and Ill be the first to admit it. At this rate reproduction with a human female while probable, just seems like it would be a very bad idea. I wouldn't want some kid walking around with the same issues, health wise and behavioral that I deal with. That being said I really want to have a kid to carry on the good name of being a jerk. There aren't enough cynics in this world, and there aren't enough people out there telling kids that they suck. If you grow up thinking you suck, you're going to try to better yourself. If you're told that you're awesome your whole life... theres no incentive to be anything other than what you already are, and 9 out of 10 kids are fucking losers. So yes, I am going to tell my son that he sucks and everything he does is wrong, and he will be a better person for it. Eventually he will kill me. Which in a way is pretty fucked up but perhaps he will adopt and spread the true word like his old man did. Maybe he'll grow up to be president, and then he could have a real shot at fucking the queen in the ass. Two birds with one stone... eh makes sense to me.

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