Thursday, March 20, 2008

Voting Is For Losers

Ok, I know what all you little haters out there are wondering, when are these guys going to talk politics? Johnnyboy already touched on those annoying Bush bashers, but never officially stated a political affiliation (or at least as far as I read). Well, I am your beacon of hope and I will tell you who to vote for…The Sane Choice: Jim “The Ultimate Warrior” Hellwig and Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake. Hellwig is a beast for one, he won’t get polio like that lame old FDR from a few years back. Beefcake, well, I suppose Hellwig could have chosen anyone for a running mate, but the Warrior/Beefcake ticket just seems to flow. "Dad, I'm voting for Hellwig & Beefcake." I like the sound of that. What are Hellwig’s policies you ask? Here’s a taste of what you can expect…Bin Laden: smashed. Taxes: tapped out. Homelessness: powerbombed. The Budget: balanced due to more smashing. Steroids: legalized and encouraged (finally). AIDS: Piledriven. Children: fighting machines. That’s right kids, Uncle Warrior and Vice Uncle Beefcake will no longer tolerate insubordination. Junk food out (sans Slim Jims, of course). X Boxes and Playstations will be destroyed and melted into weapons of mass destruction (not Wiis though, Hellwig is intrigued). Everyone must have the proper children’s hairstyle from the 1980s, no questions asked, after all our new VP is a professionally untrained barber. Oh, and cigarettes? Still worried if little Tairy or teenie Henrietta might starting smoking young? What the hell(wig) do you think?

I blog, I update. Hellwig and Beefcake are reclusive and computers are foreign to them. In turn, America will now be updated with handwritten holiday cards like so. Here is a Thanksgiving update:

I case you haven’t figured it out, I don’t care about voting. It’s not for losers (that was just a hateful title), but I don’t care what or who you’re voting for. As far as everyone knows, on Election Day I’m voting, but in reality I’m just going to treat myself to ice cream. Where? I’m not sure yet, but I’m looking forward to it. Then when I have kids and it’s time to vote for Chelsea Clinton, Hammock Obama, Flava Flav, or whoever else, guess what? Yes, we are not voting and going out for ice cream (unless my kids are fat, then just Slim Jims for them). So when you’re deciding Obama, Hilary, or McCain, my choices of chocolate, vanilla, or cookie dough will be more delicious than yours. Remember, your vote doesn’t count and no one will blame you if you stay home and eat, it’s the American Way.

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