Things.... That I Fuckin Hate

Ok so lists are a gimme now on this blog... but they work well and people seem to like them. Plus they're easy to write... so here goes yet another.

1. People Who Don't Text Back : I saw recently that there was a whole facebook group dedicated to this. Well fuck you guys too, I'm writing a whole paragraph on it. How lazy, or inconsiderate can you be? It takes about 30 seconds to write a text message. "Yo dude, you goin out tonight?"..... three hours pass by..... well either your friend isn't going out, theyre in jail, they're going out, but its with a girl you used to date, or their just lazy pieces of camelshit. How hard is it to use your thumbs to say, "No man sorry, call you soon"? It's tantamount to calling someone, they pick up and you say hello - and they don't answer. They just stay on the phone and breathe. Great, thank you. To all you soulless bastards and bitches who don't have the common decency to text back... I hope you are killed by a giant thumb.

2. Guys Who Always Want To Leave A Bar For A Different Bar : These are the guys who never get laid. There's no action here. The drinks are warm. This place sucks. I hate that guy. That bartender stiffed me. My ex girlfriend hangs out here. I've never met a girl here. I hate the music. It's too loud in here. Wait a minute.... that's actually me. Nevermind, you guys are awesome. Kings among men, and dick sizes that rival the Empire State Building in vertical splendor. God bless and keep you.

3. Girls Who Make Kissy Faces In Pictures : Awesome you can purse your lips! Congratulations, you have the same facial ability as Steven Hawking. What are you trying to say? That you have the ability to kiss? Excellent so does everyone. Are you blowing a kiss to whomever may be looking at your picture? Wonderful, so you're willing to kiss about a million people (if you post it on Fbook or Myspace). Well done, you're a whore. How about a nice smile? That always works. When was the last time a photographer said, "ok in three, two ... look like a guppie!:? It never happened and it never will.

4. Girls Who Religiously Get Pedicures : Sweet, your toenails are pink but your feet still smell like exactly what they are...a utilitarian appendage that sweats and not only sweats, but sweats in something as constricting as a sock. My favorite is the girl who goes out of her way to show them off. "I got my feet done today, aren't they pretty?" No they're not... they are deformed hands that sit at the bottom of a bulky arm that you have to shave. The worst are the ones who get little flowers, or designs on them. Do you think we can tell if your pedicure has a lotus blossom on it from where we stand?? At most it looks like someone fucked up your pedicure and you have a paint splotch on them... and you were too lazy to fix it. Here's and idea girls.. take that foot... and put it in a fucking shoe. I don't want to see your horny old toes.

5. People Who Like The Song, "Sweet Caroline" : Good times have never ever been near people who sing along to this song. Touching hands... touching you... killing myself with a gallon of canola oil. You will hear this song alot at the end of a night in college bars. People are so drunk that the chorus is easy enough that all you have to sing is, "oh oh oh." Rhodes scholars, the lot of you. You know what the best thing about Neil Diamond is? It's that he's 68, and has lived the life of a pop-star so he may die soon.

6. Guys Who Think Cologne Will Hide The Fact That They Didn't Shower That Day : Nothing like the sickly sweet smell of B.O. mixed with Cool Water to send a girl over the top with lust. They mine as well carry around a bag of horseshit with a Yankee Candle lit in the middle of it. Listen pal, we get it... you're lazy. I don't care, no one does... so stay at home, or take the 8 minutes it takes to shower out of your crowded schedule of masturbating and watching Antiques Roadshow and stop stinking up my night. Cool Water is pretty awesome though.

7. The Word, "Nigger" : Black men and women... what the hell are you thinking? Why would you EVER refer to anyone with a term that was used to humiliate and de-humanize your entire race? White guys, who because they have black friends think that they can get away with saying it are the worst. What a crock of shit. Try these words instead... bro, pal, dude, buddy, man, sister, brother, guy, chief, slick... etc...

I know I always say, "more to come"... but I will post more soon. Just very angry tonight.

The 80's

Such an ambiguous title you may say. Where is he going with this? This post is going to upset my colleague Jondrama as he is a lover of the 80's... but man... the 80's sucked. OK OK OK, before you lose it... there were certain things in the 80's that didn't completely blow, but they were few and far between. Here goes yet another list. Things that sucked :



1. The style. Nothing like ridiculously big hair on girls or tight stone washed jeans with white high top sneakers. Face it, if you were walking down the street and saw someone with a mullet, or with big thick hair, wearing a white tee-shirt, black suspenders and jeans so white they mine as well just be painters paints, tucked up almost to the belly button, and a pair of white Reebok's at the bottom of this lovely ensemble, what would you say? I'll tell you what you'd say... "Oh my God, I hope the retard isn't the drooling type." And then you'd probably cross to the other side of the street. Be sure, there were some pretty gorgeous women who made it big in the 80's, but lets face it... if you're beautiful, you're beautiful. If you're somewhat decent looking, wearing clothes from the 80's will do nothing but hinder your attempt to get laid.



2. The Music. It's a punchline now. For all the good bands that found their way in the 80's i.e. U2, Tears for Fears, etc... there was a plethora of dog shit. There hasn't been a decade so vacant of musical quality since the year 50 A.D. When all you were able to listen to would have been the sound of lepers dying of sunstroke, with the back beat of rampant coughing from cholera outbreaks. It was that bad people. There are a few songs from the 80's that I'll sing along too whether it is alone in my car, or with my friends on a Friday night after a couple... but that's where the music ends. There is no lasting value and for that I guess we can be lucky.


3. Movies. Name one excellent movie from the 1980's and I'll name 5 that to this day make me fume over with anger. There are a few iconic movies from the 80's, and they're iconic for all the wrong reasons. The Breakfast Club - I wanted every kid in that library to die. The Big Chill - I wanted everyone in that house to die. Rain Man - I wanted everyone in that casino to die. Top Gun - I wanted everyone in that plane to die, and got lucky by getting to watch one crap out. Back To The Future - I wanted everyone in 1955 to die. I don't think I need to go on.

4. Television. Give me a fucking break... the Facts of Life - here's a fact, you're all a bunch of homely lesbians. Charles In Charge - of what, sucking dick... because if that's the case, you'll get no argument here. The Cosby Show - how many uncles and grandfathers did these kids have for fuck's sake? Major Dad - thank God for the first Gulf War because there was a chance the Major would be court martialed for trying to sell secrets to the Iraqis. Mr. Belvedere - nothing like a pretentious Brit flit around the t.v. for a half hour. Roseanne - look they're poor white trash! huh hulk, I's can sure relate! Night Court - forget it.

So there's just a short list of some of the reasons why the decade just sucked flat. From the awful pop culture to that lovely cocaine/crack explosion, it was unbelievably sub-par. You wanna know what the strange thing is though? After all that, the 80's have a soft spot in my heart, and also... it's been downhill ever since.

Johnstradamus : I Got Your End of the World, Right Here!

I have been reading about this 12/12/12 crap for a while. Apparently the world is supposed to end, because the sun will be in line with the center of the Milky Way. Here's the thing folks.... GOOD! For it was spoken to me, Johnstradamus on this very night, 3/3/09, that I have; if thou most humble readers pleasest... the spoken word of the time keeper of the universe. A recounting of the revelation in the most humble prose:

Angel of Time : BEHOLD, for I am the angel of time... Roger.

Me: Roger?

Roger : Oh fuck yeah.

Me: Well... Roger.. what word from the sands of infinite future do you have for us?

Roger: Ok first off... forget this 12/12/12 B.S. It's gonna happen when the Earth crashes into some gay-ass meteor and everyone and everything is gonna be like.. "whooooooaaaa holy shit this is so fucked up!"

Me: When might that be Rog?

Roger: My name is Roger dipshit.

Me: Sorry dude.

Roger: Whatever, you're so fucked, and you have no idea. You humans have labored under the assumption that you have knowledge that goes far beyond that of God's. You have been "building" this world... and you're still working at it.

Me: But Roger, it's gonna be pretty ok, and it's gonna look pret... (Roger interrupts)

Roger: It's gonna look like shit bro!!

Me: I'm sorry?

Roger: Me too dude. Do you have any soda, or like seltzer? I don't want beer. I'll even take milk.

Me: I might have some root beer.

Roger: Oh fucking great, I can't wait until you all die.

Me: Alright ROGER... tell me something about the apocolypse... something that I can at least tell my friends.

Roger: Fine Johnstradamus... the heavens have collided and from Deidre'sbosom and her cool tears I am arrived. Here is the prophecy of the end of time. "You are so doomed. All of you. The environment? There's a whole galaxy out there you egotistical butt rangers. Ok, so, your world is what concerns you... You know what concerns us, up in heavean? The fact that you've bestowed coronation ceremonies on Donal Trump, Bill Maher, Anne Coulter and Stevie Ray Vaughan.

Me: But Stevie was ... (interrupted by a smack from Roger)

Roger: Stevie was what? A lame dirtdink who could cover Little Wing... woahhh boy... I could do that right now.

Me: No you couldn't.

Roger: Whatever can I fucking finish? Ok so yeah, you're all screwed. Time... which you made, will most definitely one day end. It wont be because of anything you did you egotistical assholes... It'll end because we said so. Get over yourselves and Dane Cook is the Antichrist.

I woke up hours later with the stale taste of cigarettes and whiskey in my mouth. I thought it was all a dream... until I picked up Word Up magazine and saw a picture of Biggie and Iggy Pop drinking piss out of an upturned tambourine. The end is time... not the other way around.

America's Obsession With The Oscars

Well, it's all over folks... Oscars that is. We have to wait another year to watch a boring spectacle featuring the most unbelievably pretentious celebrities the earth has ever puked up. Sean Penn.... no one cares about your politics. He made a jab at protestors during his acceptance speech. How liberal and free is that! I guess in Penn's mind it is only acceptable to protest or yell loudly, or scream whole-heartedly when whatever you're screaming about is something that Penn agrees with. Moving on, it was just really fucking boring. Hugh Jackman... tried but fell far short of the mark. So what to do? Heckle! Without further ado, this is a full transcript of Jon and I ripping the awards apart via AIM.

Johnnyboy (10:06:46 PM): Apeshit, the new fragrance by Christopher Walken
jondrama (10:07:02 PM): why?
Johnnyboy (10:07:15 PM): why not?
jondrama (10:08:04 PM): i think Apeshit, a new fragrance by Glenn Danzig
Johnnyboy (10:08:06 PM): NICE, heath ledger just won the academy award
jondrama (10:08:59 PM): he looks different
Johnnyboy (10:09:18 PM): yeah, he looks kind of dead
jondrama (10:33:19 PM): Gee i really dont want to see this slumdog horseshit anymore
Johnnyboy (10:33:31 PM): youre watching too i see
Johnnyboy (10:33:42 PM): yeah im pretty done with wanting to see it
Johnnyboy (10:33:52 PM): this may be one of the worst academy awards ive ever seen
jondrama (10:34:02 PM): well you reeled me in for heat bars award
jondrama (10:34:11 PM): we need to see best actor
Johnnyboy (10:34:38 PM): that isnt until right before the end
jondrama (10:35:09 PM): i actually wanted to see nrost/fixin
Johnnyboy (10:35:14 PM): meh
Johnnyboy (10:35:22 PM): i dont want to see any of these awful movies
Johnnyboy (10:35:23 PM): milk?
jondrama (10:35:33 PM): i dont tolerate lactose
Johnnyboy (10:35:43 PM): the only reason that dude got any press was because he got whacked by a dude who blamed his insanity on junk food
jondrama (10:36:03 PM): who Michael Milk?
Johnnyboy (10:36:13 PM): haha
jondrama (10:36:40 PM): Milky Cabereha
Johnnyboy (10:36:49 PM): jerry lewis?
jondrama (10:36:53 PM): glavin
Johnnyboy (10:37:16 PM): i would so fuck heidi klum with my .... DICK!
jondrama (10:37:44 PM): jerry lewis is like us throwin a 4B tribute to paul w...whats the point
jondrama (10:37:50 PM): daddy wargs
jondrama (10:44:23 PM): i think jerry lewis has jerked off to a pciture of a child...@ least once
Johnnyboy (10:44:56 PM): even worse, i bet out there, there is a child that has jerked off to a picture of jerry lewis.... way more than once
jondrama (10:45:06 PM): guilty
jondrama (10:45:16 PM): i am right now
Johnnyboy (10:45:38 PM): who wrote the pizza boy sketch?guilty....
jondrama (10:45:54 PM): thats a good example of a great sketch
Johnnyboy (10:46:21 PM): jerry looked.... off
jondrama (10:46:34 PM): great now when lewis dies we gotta hear all this shit about it

jondrama (10:48:17 PM): i dont love him, but i respect that he was funny in his younger years
jondrama (10:48:27 PM): and he influence ppl i like
Johnnyboy (10:48:33 PM): i respect his body of work
jondrama (10:49:13 PM): i thought george carlin made better movies
Johnnyboy (10:49:23 PM): i thought everyone made better movies
jondrama (10:49:26 PM): bill and ted, jersey girl
Johnnyboy (10:50:12 PM): yeah but j lewis beat him by living longer
jondrama (10:50:24 PM): i dislike huge cocksmen (Hugh Jackman)
Johnnyboy719 (10:50:32 PM): hes terrible this year
jondrama (10:50:51 PM): i liked him better in 97
Johnnyboy (10:51:13 PM): i liketed him better when i didnt know he existed
jondrama (10:51:14 PM): defiance, shh

Johnnyboy (10:51:53 PM): youre right
Johnnyboy (10:52:51 PM): nominated for best song in a motion picture, Glenn Danzig, Art Garfunkel, Mos Def and Clint Eastwood.... Gran Torino
jondrama (10:54:04 PM): zac effron looks like a robot
Johnnyboy (10:54:30 PM): he looks like a young jared leto. i guess hollywood just keeps churning out jared leto look alikes
jondrama (10:55:29 PM): im sick of dogdick hundredair
Johnnyboy (10:55:46 PM): so am i
Johnnyboy (10:56:07 PM): after best song, you have actress actor, director, foreign film and best movie
Johnnyboy (10:56:14 PM): so at least the good shit will be coming up

(At this point a lavish performance of whatever Indian bullshit song was nominated from Slumcock Fuckstickair)

jondrama (10:56:31 PM): that is how the next xmas party should be
Johnnyboy (10:56:44 PM): like this song?
jondrama (10:56:56 PM): start planning
Johnnyboy (10:57:04 PM): why do i feel like this is the kinda song you hear right before the terrorists cut off your head?
jondrama (10:58:12 PM): i really dont love his music, but john legend is still better than most new r&b
jondrama (10:58:37 PM): he tries to be old school, but yes i know...
jondrama (10:58:47 PM): he should sit in the back of the bus
Johnnyboy (10:58:50 PM): i like the song from the blacksinger!
jondrama (10:59:17 PM): hahaha
Johnnyboy (10:59:23 PM): this is awful
jondrama (10:59:26 PM): did you see the drummer in the aisle
jondrama (10:59:45 PM): i wish i could do that at the oscars...
Johnnyboy (11:00:13 PM): i can just imagine my grandmothers reaction to this spectacle, shes watching it right now
jondrama (11:00:17 PM): but naked w/ only thre drums hiding my charlie browns
jondrama (11:00:42 PM): lot of dark meat on stage, cripes
Johnnyboy (11:01:13 PM): this is some bullshit

(A. Rahman and Some dude named S. Gulzar have just been announced as winners for best song, for Slumfuck Thousandair)

jondrama (11:01:18 PM): ghoulzar???
jondrama (11:01:24 PM): LOL
Johnnyboy (11:01:25 PM): YES GHOULZAR!!!
Johnnyboy (11:01:47 PM): sounds like a ghostbusters arch villain
jondrama (11:02:16 PM): hahaha
jondrama (11:02:23 PM): this is a disaster
Johnnyboy (11:03:36 PM): hey mom, dad, this is Ghoulzar, she and i are to be wed.
Johnnyboy (11:03:51 PM): it and i *

(An Asian man accepting for best foreign film has just captivated the audience by say "Sank ooo" about five times because he can't speak English.)

jondrama (11:07:56 PM): spoken like a true prodigy
Johnnyboy (11:08:11 PM): seinfeld four!!!
jondrama (11:08:25 PM): he always here
jondrama (11:08:44 PM): ah i hope mickey wins and thats it
Johnnyboy (11:09:11 PM): that and i hope meryl streep doesnt win anything, or that cunt anne hathaway
jondrama (11:11:39 PM): ill take mickey or richard jenkins from stealing harvard to win
jondrama (11:11:48 PM): or trapped in paradise
Johnnyboy (11:12:35 PM): little brooks should be up soon
Johnnyboy (11:12:42 PM): whitmore died like two weeks ago
jondrama (11:13:06 PM): jaws died?
Johnnyboy (11:13:13 PM): yeah, sad day for me
Johnnyboy (11:14:29 PM): ha
Johnnyboy (11:14:46 PM): alone on the bus
jondrama (11:14:50 PM): didnt chuck heston die a while ago
Johnnyboy (11:15:29 PM): they keep brining him up.... just so we dont fuckin forget

In the end... it was pretty bad. Sean Penn won because he played a gay guy, Kate Winslet won because she was in a movie about nazis, Slumdog Millionaire won because... well it was actually a pretty shitty year for movies. That being said, I'm looking forward to next year. Toodles movie fans!

Little Brooks

With Oscar season upon us, one thing we can agree on this blog is that we all enjoy a good movie. Last year, I finally got to see The Shawshank Redemption. I mostly held out all of these years because it looked painfully long on cable, but once I saw it, I knew what so many others have been telling me all these years. It was just a great story. A scene in the movie that stayed with me is Brooks being released from prison after 50 years and having to adjust to the world as it was in the 1940s. There was a lot of change the world was going through and for those of you unfamilar check out the video around the 4:00 mark...



Now just imagine if someone were being released from prison trying to catch up with today's everchanging technology? It would drive them mad. With that said, I give my own little short story entitled Little Brooks

After being sentenced in 2001 at the wily age of 18, the now 26 year old Brooks Hatlen III is released from minimum security prison in the winter of 2009. Like his grandfather before him, he finds that life on the outside is quite different than the world he once knew. YouTube, Smartphones, Bluetooth, and googling are words that are quite foreign to this ripened civilian. This is a story of a man dealing with the maladjustment of his new life. This is a story of a man who feels the world has passed him by just like his grandfather once did. This is the story of Little Brooks.

Dear fellas,

“I can’t believe how fast things are moving in the unfathomable year of 2009. If the soaring prices of gasoline weren’t bothersome enough, cars that don’t even run on gas try to run me down now. I guess the world I once knew has a little less gas than it once did. I once saw a cable modem as a child, now they’re everywhere. The internet went and got itself in a big damn hurry. I can barely even Lycos or Ask Jeeves search anymore. Everyone wants me to “google”, but my hands hurt from typing the “Gs” and the “Os.” Sometimes after work I sit by my landline phone and wait for someone to call, but they never do. My once cherished VHS tapes have now been replaced with movies on compact discs and “blue rays.” My old friends back home now play Halo 3 on TVs bigger than a breadbox, but I’m too old for that nonsense. I barely played Halo 1. I don’t think they like me very much. I don’t like it here. The buildings are too big. I like pizza. I’m tired of being Twittered all the time and I’ve decided not to stay. I doubt they’ll kick up any fuss, not for an old dial-up connection like me.

P.S. Tell Little Heywood I’m sorry I put a knife to his balls. Just another day another dollar.”

-Little Brooks

I've been sitting on this silly idea for sketch for awhile now, I think it would be pretty funny, but we are a creative, yet fairly lazy bunch. With that said, Rest In Peace to the real man who played Brooks, James Whitmore and Rest In Peace to you, Little Brooks.

Books That Should Be Written

I do loves me a good book. Problem is, theyre not easy to find. Sure anyone can grab a book off of some ponderous library book shelf, or buy something that catches their eye when theyre browsing through Borders or B&N, but that doesn't mean youre going to enjoy it. I can't tell you how many times I've bought a book and then realized two chapters into it that I would have been better giving a homeless guy 15 bucks to smack me in the face with his bottle of ripple. That being said, I still love books. What I am proposing, is that instead of writing a short synopsis of the book on the dust jacket, the authors themselves write it on the front, with big red letters, so we the consumers can decide if we want to read it or not. Without further ado... books I would love to read.

1. The Cold Summer
Sam, a dimwitted bus driver discovers the topsy turvy world of running a bus terminal after his boss is arrested for exposing himself to the President's prized Yorkshire Terrier. Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll... although Sam doesn't realize that the sex will be with men, and not consensual, the drugs are prescription and make him gassy, and the Rock and Roll is Coldplay.

2. Money Well
Roger is a guy who finds some cash on the street, and a bunch of shit happens to him. It's not that great, but it's only 162 pages so whaddya say?

3. Sarah Von Rattledink Goes To Washington
Sarah, the precocious cock-tease that works at that Starbucks near my kids' school goes to Washington and bangs everything in sight. In the book, we follow Sarah as she showers, shaves her legs slowly, wears next to nothing and goes to sleep everynight with whatever catches her fancy, man woman or beast. In the end she learns a little something about Government when she is forced to run for President by Old Mr. Mcgillicuddy, the cratchety old chimney sweep.

4. Punch Me! The Story of a Small, Smelly Dipshit
Walter smells like urine and maple syrup. He's also really short, and kind of fat. We follow Wally around as he gets the ever-living shit kicked out of him by bigger cooler guys. In the end he tries to kill himself by eating as many marshmallows as he can and washing them down with a bottle of bleach.

5. Abe's Boys
Abraham O'Connel is a bit of a grumpy old miser. He is constantly being bothered by the neighborhood kids' attempts to bring a little love and friendship into his life. Eventually the boys grow up and return to the old 'hood to see if Mr. O'Connel is still loveless and sad. They find that unfortunately he's sadder than ever. After a meeting with the local Priest, the boys decide it's their duty to show Abe that he is loved. They accomplish their mission by mentally torturing the shit out of him for a period of six straight days, until Abe decides that he better love something and soon, or these deranged fucks are gonna finish him off.

6. A Child Abuser Gets Sodomized In Half by a Horse
Needs no description.

7. Ring Around The Rosy
A young man is forced to come to terms with his own mortality after he smokes a joint laced with dogshit.


In the end these books will never be written. I can dream. More to come!

Generation Y Should I Give A Fuck?

Before I go off on this bastardization of the English language, please let me preface. For those of you lucky enough to not be intimately familiar with “Generation Y,” Webster’s Dictionary defines it as:

Generation Y n. The generation following Generation X, especially people born in the United States and Canada from the early 1980s to the late 1990s. [Modeled on Generation X.]

Generation X was just a cool, somewhat mysterious way to name the post baby boomer era, the post “Father Knows Best” mentality. So I was born post Gen-X, during Reganomics, Wall Street yuppies, big hair metal days when Phil Collins ruled the world and a young Metallica was looking to destroy world as we knew it (you know before technology confused and scared them). A guy like He-Man kicked ass, Frankie said relax, Rocky IV ended the Cold War, early cell phone and video game technology was upon us and we weren’t having clip shows talking about this stuff, we were damn well living it. To me, the 1980s just plain rocked. I was too young to understand or concern myself with Regan’s politics. I didn’t care. I was growing up in an interesting time, discovering new technologies, contently laughing at cliché cartoons and sitcoms of the era. All right, AIDS and crack cocaine may have been a product of the time but I was too little to engage in hardcore drugs and sexual relations (would have been a really interesting first 7 years of my life though). Anyway all good chapters must come to an end and someone with a bullshit job just had to label our generation. Post Gen-X, how about Generation Y? Creative? Hardly. Bullshit? Indubitably.

My overall contempt of this term has come from my professional life (which I will not indulge any further in case Jon Drama and the man behind the keyboard get ousted). People nearly twice my age are telling me the “millennials” (another ricockulous term for Gen-Y) are the waaaave of the future and that I should be reading blogs to understand what my professional peers are up to. They tell me that I should be blogging (which I have been doing long before co-workers told me of the “fad”). I do this for fun and when I am old, married and slipping into senility, I can look back and see my thoughts of varying subjects and have a laugh and remind myself that I was once a witty, charming young man. Why would I want to talk about whatever I want, when I could find 5,000 different ways to talk about what Generation Y will do to “change the world.” As I said before, the people telling me to grasp these changes are twice my age, withered old dreamers of a bygone era and just don’t have a clue.

Sometimes my peers send me blogs to make me think about the changes this crazy world is undergoing. One of my co-workers knows my true feelings on Generation Y and sends me blogs to get me fired up so I can send a witty retort. Unsurprisingly, it works every time. My latest response was to a blog about Mobile Marketing And Generation Y. The bottom line is that our generation is annoyed with text message advertisements. I will not post “their” blog for sake of not creating a hassle, but here was my response:

“I actually just read this blog (I tend to have more free time up here) and it is utterly horrible. 514 words to simply say: Text advertisements aren’t effective. Period. It’s not a generational issue either. That’s another crock of shit. That is simply *****’s attempt to market and brand themselves (which has worked to a degree I guess). By doing this, aging people who think they are “up with the change” (here’s a hint his name rhymes with Crack) think they stumbled onto something revolutionary. Text message advertisements don’t work. Big shit. I think if my 90 year old grandma (bless her heart) had a cell phone, she would agree text messages selling a product suck balls. I think if I start a blog stating the painfully obvious, maybe I will get some unjustifiable respect. Here’s one:

Shitty Days Ahead: Why Generation Y Will Not Stand For 1-Ply Toilet Paper

Great! Throw it on Twitter. Twitter my balls I say. Twitter them indeed.”

For those of you unaware of what Twitter is, it is simply another social networking application that pretty much seems to function the same as Facebook’s status update. Fucking pointless. The more technology I have the more update to date I will be. Everyone’s status is awful too; for once I would just like to leave “Jon Drama is masturbating furiously before his date so he doesn’t blow a unctuous load on the off-chance the girl touches his dangle before night’s end.” Back to Generation Y, the blogs on the matter are obvious and redundant. Plus as much as it’s cool see know that my peers are “taking a stand” and attempting to carve out a niche for our era, where does all of this “advice” come from? Google, their parents, college professor, a “really neat” NPR podcast or just out of plain air? Its just plain subjective thinking at its finest marketed as key tips, “facts”, and various countdown lists that us youngens need to survive in today’s workplace. Who needs a book when you can just curl up with your laptop? Ugh, I love technology, but I still prefer a real book, a good newspaper and a phone conversation not inundated with text messages to get my point across. Since these Gen-Y blogs are so subjective, here is a top 10 list (!) of attention-grabbing, Gen-Y blog topics equally asinine:

1. Double Sided Dildos - The Future of Peer 2 Peer Networking…Today!
2. Today’s Pain In The Ass: Why Millennials Will Change Conventional Thinking About Anal Sex
3. Top Four Ways To Hide An Erection In The Office & Still Show How Horny You Are
4. Entrepreneur Or Korean Sex Trafficker? Does It Matter?
5. Why Swamp-ass Will Give You The Edge At The Company Picnic
6. How To Effectively Utilize A Bullwhip & A Bottle Of Gin In Today’s Workplace
7. Is It Better To Have A Raging Semi Or Stay Flaccid During Business After-hours?
8. Dildonic Delights: Plugging Up Estrogen Levels In The Millennial’s Workplace
9. How Showing Your Tits On Facebook Will Stimulate The Economy...and My Pants
10. Trim The Hedges or Scorch The Earth? Pubic Hair Grooming Tips For Young Professionals

Thanks for the tips Gen-Y, but if you are looking for real advice, here it is: live. Be young, make mistakes and learn from them. Live your fucking life. We are human. Fall on your ass and get up because tomorrow is a new day. So come back hungrier…or hornier, but live dammit, live.

"I pee sitting down." - Larry David

And what's wrong with that? I for one pee sitting down. At home of course. Have you ever tried to sit on a toilet seat in a bar, school, place of work, the Vatican for that matter? It is an exercise in the truly disgusting. First off, sitting down when you pee, gentlemen, does NOT make you any less of a man. If during your visit to the tinkle fairy you are reading Better Homes and Gardens, you may want to take inventory of your masculinity. If you aren't reading, or for that matter are reading (something gung-ho, or masculine)... guess what; you are amongst the silent and comfortable army.

Should we stand when we pee at all times? Looking over our shoulders at that pile of clothes on the floor that never made it into the hamper, that pile which started out as a molehill and now rivals Pike's Peak in vertical splendour? Should we have to be uncomfortable when comfort is just a knee's bend away? The answer is plain and simple and for all of the homophobic, painfully obvious. Sit your ass down. How many times have you exposed your tubesteak in a valiant show of manhood with legs stiff and hands on hips, only to let loose with the stream of beer, or soda, or whiskey, or vodka or you name it, to then at once with a twinge of urgency, realize that if you had sat down you would have been able to carry this measure of humanity through it's perfect product? Well at that point of male negligence on account of our ridiculous, ingrained notions of masculinity, you would have to stop mid-stream, thus posing serious mental and physical pain to both of your brains. Had you been sitting, nature could have taken it's course in the boldest form of testosterone driven antics... the full on fart n' shit. There is a reason why we as men, still chuckle at fart jokes. We laugh because essentially they are one of the things that evens the playing field, and quietly reminds us that, no matter our social position, we are just as crude and base as the Queen of England. (Can't tell me that Lizzy don't rip... at her age)

Moving along, I find it pathetic that men would view something as basic and essential to the subsistence of an individual as the explusion of waste to sustain a somewhat healthy life, to have boundaries and battle lines. If you sit when you pee, "you're a homo." Great, will if I stand when I pee should I admire my own wang? Should I marvel at God's creation of the ultimate utilitarian limb? Give me a break. I'm standing when I could be sitting and trying not to hit the rim. If I am sitting.. I am trying to have the greatest non-sexual orgasm of the day. Humankind's best thoughts have been articulated whilst someone was sitting. Thomas Jefferson didn't write the Declaration of Independence when he was jogging, the Gettysburg Address wasn't written on a treadmill and the Constitution wasn't penned during a 5k. Those great minds who wrote those famous pieces of human emotion and reason were sitting, and pondering in comfort when they eloquently set down our country's greatest notions. Notions that have since become gospel to the populous.

In the end, I did not intend for this post to be lengthy or to proselytize at great lengths about the joys of a good sit down pee. I just want it to be known that there are men on the planet who do sit when they pee... born of greatness? Perhaps. Born of complete laziness? You bet your ass cochese... and who amongst us can't rally behind that standard?

This One Could Get A Little Racy

I guess you knew this topic needed to be spoken about sooner or later and I really don’t know how funny this blog is going to be (its not trying to be mean, I swear). With MLK and Barack Obama’s inauguration fresh in our minds and hearts, I wanted to give my take on the age-old subject of race. Like Dr. King, I truly do want equality amongst the races. When black people (yes I DON’T say African American either, but I’ll get to that) attain a victory, be it small or momentous like Mr. Obama’s win, some cry, others are joyous and other rub it in everyone else’s face or worse yet riot. I just don’t get it. During black suppression or the 50s and 60s, I understand the Black Panther movement and the need to use aggressive action. Perhaps that’s all the younger baby boomers and Generation X knew. Why is it still continuing? I want to explore a few racial issues that I have seen in my years on the planet.

Prologue: I “Get” It
I suppose it would only be a bit more politically correct and authentic if I were to preface this. I am a young adult, half Italian, half Puerto Rican and very proud of both heritages. I love the NBA, rap music, James Brown, Motown, fried chicken (hey my nationalities are only associated with pasta and rice, so fuck off) and I’ve even gotten me some brown sugar a time or two (and plan on it again someday). It’s not an apology before the storm; I just want you to know where I’m coming from. In fact, historically I always befriend my Hispanic and black contingent in the workplace because I feel I can relate to them as I myself have always been raised to be racially accepting and for that matter, lower middle-class. “I can’t believe you know so much about hip-hop music!” “Wow, I didn’t know you liked basketball so much?” Even worse, “Jon, you’re alright for a white boy.” Who said I was bad? Why does the fact that I’m an okay guy or can relate to any minority yet alone black people seem so surprising? Larry David has been quoted as saying, “I nod to black people so they know I’m one of the good ones.” I feel as though I have to do the same still today. So I’m going to take a page out of his book, George Carlin’s and even George Lopez (yes he is an equal opportunists when it comes to race jokes in his stand-up), when I explore the pale fascination I have with black people.

Chapter 1: Not all contrasting races are xenophobic.
Yes, I know a white person might not hold the door or given you a dirty look while you were driving or walking, but that does not mean it is because of the color of your skin. Maybe it is because that person is an asshole, you were driving like a jerk, walking in the middle of moving traffic (many do it and it ALWAYS pisses any race off) or you are just plain ugly. But it’s okay there are plenty of ugly bloated, drunken Micks, Mexicans, Mexicants, greasy Dagos, dumb Pollocks, Swedes, Gooks, buffoonish Canadians and hook-nosed Jew bastards. My point is everybody of any race knows or has seen an ugly person. Maybe Garry White didn’t hold the door for LeShawn Black because he is a fucking asshole not a racist. People are assholes, not necessarily racists. I didn’t hold the door because I didn’t want to wait for the person to walk over to make it and Rosa Parks didn’t want to give up her seat. Why? Likely because we were both tired (did I just compare myself to Rosa Parks?). Just the other day I went to use the treadmill at my local gym, my only option were too jog next to a white guy or a black guy. I quickly glanced at both or them and they both caught me. Hey, I wanted to get an idea of who I would be jogging along side of for the next 30 minutes. In the end, I jogged next to the white guy. I think I saw the black guy give me a look that screamed, “Cause I’m black, huh.” I felt guilty for the next 0.0001 seconds. The black guy was going full speed with full sweat bouncing everywhere listening to “his shows” on the television. The white guy was quiet as a mouse, never distracted me once and left 5 minutes into my workout (hey, I was not offended). It’s a free country he could listen to whatever he wants and grunt to his heart’s content. That doesn’t mean I have to chill next to his sweaty ass, no matter what color he damn well is.

Chapter 2: The Politically Correct Way To Say “Black”
I never have nor will ever say African American. I say black. Black people say black, why can’t I? Then again they say nigga and I don’t (unless I am rapping along to a song in a car with whites or Hispanics), but what are you going to do? Elitist white people look at me funny when I say black. Listen up Tucker and Doreen, politically correct does not make up for the fact that you don’t want to be seen with “those people” or that you think Michael Buble (I say Bubbly) is the world’s greatest recording artist. I think Afro-American is just plain retarded too. All black people have afros then? My father (a white man, man) had an afro perm in the 70s, does that make him an Afro-American? It’s just retarded. That’s another word I think everyone should be able to use. Retarded. The PC way of saying retarded or slow is saying a person is mentally challenged. That’s what I say when referring to the mentally “troubled.” First those with problems way back when were called village idiots, then retarded, now mentally challenged. We can say idiots just fine, now retards (or wee-todds for you kids) should not be an issue. It’s just evolution of vocabulary slang. Anyway, black people have called me white (as I look too pale to be Puerto Rican to some, whatever) and I call them black. I call it being socially correct. To quote Zach Galifinakis, “I drank so much last night, I African Americaned out.” See we can be politically correct here too. So screw off, Tucker.

Chapter 3: Nappy Headed Media Hoes
So, do I think Don Imus was being racist when he called the women’s Rutgers basketball team “nappy headed hoes?” I’ve heard many of his shows through the years, so deep down he is just kind of a bigot who doesn’t know any better. Does that excuse him? Not really. Was I disappointed that he was taken off the air (he’s back but hidden in a station no one really gets)? Not really. It was a lame attempt at shock humor and any relevance the I-Man has had long since been fading. The people who brought him “to justice” were just bored and needed something to get riled up about (not unlike Johnnyboy said about liberals today). Howard Stern can get away with saying “racy” things because Robin is his trusted radio partner, has listeners of all races and is actually funny.

Michael Richards. His outburst was strange to everyone, which led to a media fixation around it. When Kramer enlisted the services of Jerry Seinfeld himself to help him apologize on David Letterman that was not good enough. His career was definitively over and Mr. Richards would now be known as Cosmo Kramer and the dude who is racist. That’s enough punishment for him to not leave the house during the day. Not for our racial media “leaders.” Al Sharpton has a perm and talks a lot; I don’t really care about him. My beef is with Jesse Jackson. Yes, the same Jesse Jackson who blew his political bid by calling New York Hymie Town. Then over 2 decades later, the United States is finally ready to embrace a black president, Jesse should lend his full support, right? Well if this is support, I don’t want to know what opposition is…



I understand. He didn’t know his mic was on and it was taken “out of context.” That’s where Kramer failed. He should have said the n-word when his mic was off by that way of thinking. They are both idiots, Jesse just has a better publicist. Cut my nuts off if I'm wrong, but i think this is why Obama distanced himself from the "great" Reverend.

So a “nappy headed ho” is not a good thing to be called, but I think the Jesse Jacksons and Al Sharptons of the world are something worse, media hoes (I prefer the word “whores” as it has stronger context). Enjoy your company as a media whore Jesse, right up there with Paris Hilton, Britney, K-Fed, The Beckhams, Fergie, Kim Kardashion and countless other fucks. To be a media whore, it is equal opportunity, regardless of race, religion, sexual orientation or gender. All you have to be is a douchebag looking for attention and a quick news story. Checkmate. Looking for real black leaders? Try Richard Pryor, Bill Cosby or even Warwick Dunn (an extremely charitable athlete) and many others. They pushed the boundaries of free speech, made us laugh, think and used their celebrity and fortune to benefit those who really needed it. Unlike some prick who preys on the ignorant to screw up and is bitter that he wasn’t president first.

Chapter 4: “We’ve Come A Long Way, Baby”
What makes this blog fun (or at least until we are taken down) is that Johnnyboy can write a blog about being a conservative Republican and regardless of what I say (I consider myself an indecisive moderate) I voted for Barack Obama. John has made some great points to deter the Obots, but the fact remains I voted for him and what’s done is done. I felt when I voted for him that a lower middle class young adult such as myself would have the best chance for a prosperous future. What happens from here is up in the air, but the fact is a black man is our president. It’s about time a higher standard has been set for minorities. After all of these years Jackie Robinson was a huge deal (and was for the time in baseball), but young people today can’t relate to that since segregation is almost a dead issue in sports (I’ll take a black guy as my quarterback if he is good and I could care less about hockey unless the Whalers come back). A lot of young inner city youth don’t even care about baseball (Real Sports will be the first to tell you) as Hispanics and even the Asian population seems to be gravitating towards the sport. So as gritty urban dramas and rap records have told us, there is either rapping, playing ball or hustling. That’s pretty much it for minorities in poverty. Well, adding president to that short list is definitely uplifting for those who think they don’t have a future. As my 90 year old gram put it, “He’s a very well spoke colored man. I would have voted for him.” Get over the fact that she said “colored” and pay attention to the fact that she would have voted (if she was in better health). She grew up in the Great Depression, World War II and the racial separation era. She says colored because that’s the era. The fact that a person at her age is accepting of the “change” (I’ll believe it when the economy is back on its feet) this country is undergoing; we really are making tremendous strides on that front.

Epilogue:
Have you ever been the only black person in a crew of preppy cracker asses? How about the only white guy in a crew of gangsta ass, well I better not say, type people. It can be awkward. Cultures are different. People are strange. Jeremy’s spoke in. Mama said knock you out. Punks jump up to get beat down. But we’re all living for the city, so big bang baby, don’t throw ya gunz, baby I need your loving sometimes it’s a cruel summer, we can all be a cult of personality, so put on your red shoes and dance the blues because dancing days are here again. After all, I’m on a plain, I can’t complain. So what does this mean for the contrasting races that make up this grand land of man and woo-man? As the late great George Carlin once said, “Make fuck not kill.” I think those are words we can all live by.


These have just been my views and if you stumbled on to this article, I hope you understand that I am an equal opportunist at calling out people on this forum. I feel I am a better person for talking about different races like I would my own. I understand there will always be racial sensitivity in some form, likely for the rest of my life. What if white was black and the history books been reversed? It’s a blog I dare not take to task, but The Pharcyde did in this video what is undoubtedly one of my favorite songs of all time and just a weird way to end this thing we call a weblog…

Welcome To Louder Than Bombs... "I would have blogged tonight, but I haven't got a stitch to wear."

Welcome to Louder Than Bombs. Ahhh so much has changed in the ten hours since Jon and I decided to start our own blog. Out with the old, and in with the new. Just because the term, "hatred" is not in our blog's name... does not mean this is going to be a sunshiney love-fest. On the contrary dear reader, Jon and I are still quite angry. On behalf of Jon and myself, welcome and enjoy. Check frequently and keep your chin up kids.